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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband always checking up on me

165 replies

Masterofhappydays · 28/07/2023 11:42

This is a really weird one. I sound totally loopy writing it out but any insight I’d appreciate so much.
Married to DH for 17 yrs. Happy etc.

I find though he is always checking up on me and I’m not sure what to make of it.

I am doing two masters degrees at the moment and we have 4 DC, I also work too at a school. So the only time I get to do my masters coursework is in the evenings and my day off midweek.

While I am upstairs doing my studying, he is constantly coming up, almost like he’s checking up on me. For example, he’ll bring me a coffee or snack (so very welcome!), but I know his secret agenda is to see what I’m up to. He knows I am studying!!! Sometimes he’ll come upstairs to “collect a mug” or a random item. Or he’ll come upstairs to use the upstairs toilet even though there is one downstairs. He doesn’t disturb me usually, he does it all in silence but it’s really weird and is starting to get annoying. I know he’s only doing this to walk past the room I’m in to check out what I’m up to. I feel like he thinks I’m doing something else. If I do shut the door, he is constantly coming in asking me if I want anything. So I can’t say “yes to be fucking left alone” because he’s ‘being nice’ while spying. I literally just want to study in peace. Each time he’s walking past now I just get annoyed and lose track of thought.

This eve, I’m trying to watch some tutorials on zoom which were recorded and in the half hour I’ve been up here he’s made me two coffees, asked me if I need anything once, walked in to collect an empty mug once, walked in to get a pair of socks once (even though he has a pair on and there’s about 250 pairs downstairs in the clean washing pile that needs to be brought up), used the upstairs loo once and has randomly walked passed one more time. That is within just under 30 mins that he’s ‘checked up’ on me seven times. This is happening every single time now. What the fuck??

I know this is such a minor issue in the grand scheme of things but it’s really bugging me now. I know if I tell him to not disturb me he’ll be passive aggressive and miserable for days with the intention to make me feel shit (which I won’t)….

Any ideas why he’s doing this? He gets plenty of attention, I literally try and study 2-3 nights a week but the more he disturbs me the more nights I’m going to have to study. He’s a bloody 45 year old man, he can make do without me for a few hours a night I do know.

OP posts:
tidalway · 01/08/2023 09:16

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Seaoftroubles · 01/08/2023 09:40

If you think it's bad now OP just imagine what he will be like in the future when you're both retired! Definitely time to make a stand now as it will only get worse.

GingerIsBest · 01/08/2023 11:48

At least now I’ll have a few days peace as he will not follow me.

I assume because he will be sulking and waiting for you to apologise for snapping at him.

This may be your normal and you don't seem too bothered by it but I couldn't live like this.

Cornflakes44 · 01/08/2023 12:54

Do you think he thinks you’re pretending to study to get out of childcare/ housework? And he’s checking you’re doing something he considers a valid excuse for excusing yourself from family life? Might be a bit cynical.

AnotherEmma · 01/08/2023 13:04

Masterofhappydays · 01/08/2023 00:41

Reading this made me angry (on behalf of myself). Because you’re so right. I am allowed uninterrupted time in my own home.

Last night I was in the garage on the treadmill and guess what, he pops his head around the door to check I’m ok. I lost my fucking shit at this point. Got the usual “why are you being like that, I was just checking if you’re ok and if you needed anything” to which I said I’m bloody 40 years old, if I wasn’t ok I’d damn well let someone know. Cue him looking hurt, telling me he won’t bother trying to make my life easier next time etc 🙄 At least now I’ll have a few days peace as he will not follow me.

Show quote history

At risk of pointing out the glaringly obvious, you need to have a proper conversation with him, not just seething inwardly most of the time, ranting on mumsnet or finally snapping and telling him to leave you alone. Choose a good moment when you are both calm and don't have stuff to do, maybe in the evening after toddler is in bed, and talk about it then. Tell him calmly and as neutrally as possible how it makes you feel when he interrupts you constantly, tell him you'd like him to give you some space and time without interruptions, without you having to remind him beforehand or tell him to leave you alone when he does it. Talk to him about the silent treatment, too; that's not in any way healthy and no way to treat someone you're supposed to love, nor is it what he should be modelling to the children, either. If the two of you can't have calm and constructive conversations about what's bothering each of you, it's not a great relationship is it?

You say you have teenagers and a toddler - is he the father of the teenagers too, or just the toddler? I'm wondering if it's a second relationship and blended family, and if so whether that has any impact on the dynamics.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 01/08/2023 13:07

Cornflakes44 · 01/08/2023 12:54

Do you think he thinks you’re pretending to study to get out of childcare/ housework? And he’s checking you’re doing something he considers a valid excuse for excusing yourself from family life? Might be a bit cynical.

This is what I have been wondering.

In any event I couldn't live with it.

Original poster
Masterofhappydays · 01/08/2023 13:23

AnotherEmma · 01/08/2023 13:04

At risk of pointing out the glaringly obvious, you need to have a proper conversation with him, not just seething inwardly most of the time, ranting on mumsnet or finally snapping and telling him to leave you alone. Choose a good moment when you are both calm and don't have stuff to do, maybe in the evening after toddler is in bed, and talk about it then. Tell him calmly and as neutrally as possible how it makes you feel when he interrupts you constantly, tell him you'd like him to give you some space and time without interruptions, without you having to remind him beforehand or tell him to leave you alone when he does it. Talk to him about the silent treatment, too; that's not in any way healthy and no way to treat someone you're supposed to love, nor is it what he should be modelling to the children, either. If the two of you can't have calm and constructive conversations about what's bothering each of you, it's not a great relationship is it?

You say you have teenagers and a toddler - is he the father of the teenagers too, or just the toddler? I'm wondering if it's a second relationship and blended family, and if so whether that has any impact on the dynamics.

Show quote history

He’s the father of all the children.
We have been together since we were in school.

He wasn’t always like this.

I have had conversations with him about it. He plays ignorant and pretends he has no idea what I’m talking about. Or claims he doesn’t interrupt me, he is “just trying to make my life easier” etc.
I think everyone on here feels I’m incapable of having a conversation with him!! That’s not the case. It’s just difficult to articulate to him how I feel about it when in his head, he doesn’t think he’s doing it.

OP posts:
ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 01/08/2023 13:25

He knows he's doing it. He's sabotaging you, for some reason.

Original poster
Masterofhappydays · 01/08/2023 13:26

Cornflakes44 · 01/08/2023 12:54

Do you think he thinks you’re pretending to study to get out of childcare/ housework? And he’s checking you’re doing something he considers a valid excuse for excusing yourself from family life? Might be a bit cynical.

No because 9/10 there’s no childcare duties as all kids are in bed (toddler) or in their own rooms studying.

Housework is largely done. There’s always something but he is the most chill person about that in the world.

He is like a pet. Independent but has to check the owner is ok all the bloody time!

OP posts:
Original poster
Masterofhappydays · 01/08/2023 13:30

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 01/08/2023 13:25

He knows he's doing it. He's sabotaging you, for some reason.

I don’t know. I do think he knows he’s doing it. I don’t think he’s trying to sabotage my studies or running though. He is supportive. He paid one of the masters courses for me as a birthday present and embarrassingly boasts to everyone about me doing 2 x masters at once.

I am wondering if he is in some way doing it to get some sort of credit for it? Like once I graduate both in December, I’ll be thankful for the endless coffee and checking up he did for the duration of my studies and then tell everyone how I couldn’t have done it without him?

OP posts:
Roussette · 01/08/2023 14:02

You said in an earlier post that 'he could be genuinely checking up on me'.

What on earth does that mean?! As you say, you're a 40 yo, surely if you want a coffee, you'll get a coffee, if you need him to take out the bins, you'll tell him. etc.

I would log how many times he comes in. Then after the seventh time, say... "for god's sake, why on earth are you doing this? You've been checking up on me for weeks now, and I am sick to death of it. And don't you dare have a sulk about it, now I've mentioned it. I need peace and quiet and not your constant bringing me coffee, getting a pair of socks, or a loo roll. Stop, just stop"

My DH spends a lot of time in his study with hobbies. The door is open, I might take him a cuppa once in a blue moon, if not, I leave him to it. It would drive me up the wall and back down again and I'd find it smothering if my DH was doing this with me. You need to explode.

AnotherEmma · 01/08/2023 14:31

Masterofhappydays · 01/08/2023 13:23

He’s the father of all the children.
We have been together since we were in school.

He wasn’t always like this.

I have had conversations with him about it. He plays ignorant and pretends he has no idea what I’m talking about. Or claims he doesn’t interrupt me, he is “just trying to make my life easier” etc.
I think everyone on here feels I’m incapable of having a conversation with him!! That’s not the case. It’s just difficult to articulate to him how I feel about it when in his head, he doesn’t think he’s doing it.

Show quote history

I don't think you're incapable, no.
The more you post, and the more you explain that you've tried talking to him and he just denies it, the clearer it becomes that he's gaslighting you.
It's very worrying tbh.

ohsuzannah · 01/08/2023 14:39

"He is like a pet. Independent but has to check the owner is ok all the bloody time!"
He sounds exactly like my dachshunds. I can't even go to the bathroom 🤦🏽‍♀️

GingerIsBest · 01/08/2023 14:52

I think everyone on here feels I’m incapable of having a conversation with him!!

I think that some people probably DO think this because they can't get their head around a woman telling her DH something like this and he simply ignores her - which is what happens to you. And you can't be firmer with him because then he'll have a strop.

But for many of us, we absolutely recognise this behaviour as the behaviour of a man child who is, in some way or another, controlling and doing his best to ensure that he is centred.

PousseyNotMoira · 01/08/2023 17:23

GingerIsBest · 01/08/2023 14:52

I think everyone on here feels I’m incapable of having a conversation with him!!

I think that some people probably DO think this because they can't get their head around a woman telling her DH something like this and he simply ignores her - which is what happens to you. And you can't be firmer with him because then he'll have a strop.

But for many of us, we absolutely recognise this behaviour as the behaviour of a man child who is, in some way or another, controlling and doing his best to ensure that he is centred.

I think that some people probably DO think this because they can't get their head around a woman telling her DH something like this and he simply ignores her - which is what happens to you. And you can't be firmer with him because then he'll have a strop.

I think I’m guilty of this. I just can’t fathom how these conversations go, if this is still happening, so concluded she wasn’t communicating properly. As opposed to him just straight up refusing to listen or respect what she’s said.

My apologies, OP.

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