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Original poster

Husband always checking up on me

165 replies

Masterofhappydays · 28/07/2023 11:42

This is a really weird one. I sound totally loopy writing it out but any insight I’d appreciate so much.
Married to DH for 17 yrs. Happy etc.

I find though he is always checking up on me and I’m not sure what to make of it.

I am doing two masters degrees at the moment and we have 4 DC, I also work too at a school. So the only time I get to do my masters coursework is in the evenings and my day off midweek.

While I am upstairs doing my studying, he is constantly coming up, almost like he’s checking up on me. For example, he’ll bring me a coffee or snack (so very welcome!), but I know his secret agenda is to see what I’m up to. He knows I am studying!!! Sometimes he’ll come upstairs to “collect a mug” or a random item. Or he’ll come upstairs to use the upstairs toilet even though there is one downstairs. He doesn’t disturb me usually, he does it all in silence but it’s really weird and is starting to get annoying. I know he’s only doing this to walk past the room I’m in to check out what I’m up to. I feel like he thinks I’m doing something else. If I do shut the door, he is constantly coming in asking me if I want anything. So I can’t say “yes to be fucking left alone” because he’s ‘being nice’ while spying. I literally just want to study in peace. Each time he’s walking past now I just get annoyed and lose track of thought.

This eve, I’m trying to watch some tutorials on zoom which were recorded and in the half hour I’ve been up here he’s made me two coffees, asked me if I need anything once, walked in to collect an empty mug once, walked in to get a pair of socks once (even though he has a pair on and there’s about 250 pairs downstairs in the clean washing pile that needs to be brought up), used the upstairs loo once and has randomly walked passed one more time. That is within just under 30 mins that he’s ‘checked up’ on me seven times. This is happening every single time now. What the fuck??

I know this is such a minor issue in the grand scheme of things but it’s really bugging me now. I know if I tell him to not disturb me he’ll be passive aggressive and miserable for days with the intention to make me feel shit (which I won’t)….

Any ideas why he’s doing this? He gets plenty of attention, I literally try and study 2-3 nights a week but the more he disturbs me the more nights I’m going to have to study. He’s a bloody 45 year old man, he can make do without me for a few hours a night I do know.

OP posts:
AlligatorPsychopath · 28/07/2023 14:21

AuntyPenny · 28/07/2023 14:19

It sounds as though intimacy in your relationship may be lacking somewhat?
You've already said you do spend some time alone together, but is there romance and passion?

How often do you go out together, have sex and lay in bed and chat? Open communication also seems it might be an issue.

Congratulations on being the maddest thing I've read on here in some time.😁🤔

Nanny0gg · 28/07/2023 14:22

Masterofhappydays · 28/07/2023 11:53

Possibly.
It is two nights per week though. There’s sport on TV, Netflix, four children he can assist with homework or spend time with, housework. I spend time with him when he gets home from work and we eat as a family. I just need/want a couple of hours in the evening twice a week.

You absolutely can tell him to go away and leave you in peace.

I would not be putting up with that.

And he's a grown man. He can find something to do!

Original poster
Masterofhappydays · 28/07/2023 14:24

AuntyPenny · 28/07/2023 14:19

It sounds as though intimacy in your relationship may be lacking somewhat?
You've already said you do spend some time alone together, but is there romance and passion?

How often do you go out together, have sex and lay in bed and chat? Open communication also seems it might be an issue.

Oh my god yea. I think I’m peri menopausal as I have a lust bug at the moment so our sex life is like we’re 19 again! Sorry if TMI! Daily. More than daily!

We go out a lot. I tell him everything I want and need to. We’re close. He’s been my best friend since we were in primary school, so communication is definitely not an issue. He just can’t leave me the fuck alone when I’m trying to do my uni work.

I think half the issue is that he has forgotten what it’s like to study too.

OP posts:
AuntyPenny · 28/07/2023 14:25

@AlligatorPsychopath Care to expand?

Nanny0gg · 28/07/2023 14:25

Masterofhappydays · 28/07/2023 13:27

I think this is maybe the most accurate response and one I hadn’t even thought of. So thank you.

That’s actually a really sweet idea, I will invite him in with his laptop. This would make a lot of sense as he’s always, always with someone so maybe just can’t be alone? Not out of loneliness or boredom, but just because he needs to be within close proximity of his fave person. Gosh now I feel awful for assuming he was checking up on me being suspicious when perhaps he just wanted to be near by and couldn’t articulate that.

This definitely makes more sense than him being a controlling cheater!

Show quote history

Sorry

That would give me the total ick.

Original poster
Masterofhappydays · 28/07/2023 14:26

hev126 · 28/07/2023 14:13

Does he maybe think you're up there relaxing/scrolling through your phone while he's left with the housework and 4 DC? Not suggesting that's what you're actually doing but just trying to think what he could be "checking"?

Yeah could be this. Not that he has to do anything if he doesn’t want to. He could just watch TV. But yeah, I imagine there’s an element of this to it.

OP posts:
toochesterdraws · 28/07/2023 14:32

Buy a 'Do Not Disturb' sign like they have in hotels. Hang it on the door handle and shut the door.

Seaweed42 · 28/07/2023 14:34

"He’s always with someone"

Hmm. Now it becomes clearer.

He works with his Dad and your son. He's probably never really been independent has he?

He's either lived at home, worked in his family business and then when both of you were very young, formed your own family but he remained the 'child' in his own family as such.

So yeah, he's always 'with' someone. So he's very much the little boy who relies on grownup/a parent to tell him what to do.

That's why he's asking your what your children want for lunch because he doesn't see himself as an adult.

So he'll dodge anything that involves making a decision alone (like making dinner) because he's never had to do that.

cyncope · 28/07/2023 14:35

Lock on the door and a do not disturb sign!

midlifecrash · 28/07/2023 15:05

Does he ever use your laptop?

AgnesX · 28/07/2023 15:30

Maybe he's just a bit needy and wants/needs company.

Nothing very strange..... maybe you could ask?

BiscuitsBiscuitsEverywhere · 28/07/2023 16:29

His behaviour would drive me insane. From an outsider's perspective, I do think there's an element of control in his actions, though I appreciate that you don't think that's the issue. I also agree with a PP that he is like a child who needs to know that Mummy is always there, so that may also factor in.

In your place, I certainly wouldn't invite him to join me. Nor would I go to the pub (unless I actually wanted to). I would make a point of saying every time that I need to concentrate and not to disturb me for the next 2-3 hours. Every single time. If he bothered me anyway, I'd just repeat it. And close the door. As you said, your DH may respond passive aggressively but you've also said that you genuinely don't care about that. Are you a teacher? If so, you must have developed the fine art of repeating instructions! Wink

Aquarelles · 28/07/2023 16:59

It really jumped out at me OP, that you specifically think he is "spying" on you, and not just being clingy. I say this because I also "just knew" that my ex was spying on me.

He would find any excuse to come into my office while I was WFH and stare at my screen to see what I was doing. He would also lurk quietly on the stairs while I was in Teams calls.

I too got the "I'm just checking if you need anything!" and the sad puppy dog eyes whenever I asked him to stop.

No solutions to suggest really - apart from a lock on the door. But just be careful this behaviour doesn't get any worse or roll over into other aspects of your life.

Mine did. He ended up following me to the office to make sure I was there, and taking note of my colleagues' cars to see who else was working that day. He would then quiz me when I got home to see if I would lie to him about who was in the office that day. Really creepy.

Travelfan2021 · 28/07/2023 17:16

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 28/07/2023 17:16

He continually does something that you have repeatedly asked him not to do. That's not normal behaviour OP. He's telling you something, God knows what though. I certainly wouldn't invite him in with his laptop. He gets his time away from the house, you deserve time for you too. The best option is to go to the pub/starbucks or wherever. If he complains, which I suspect he will then say 'I have repeatedly asked you over the last 2 years to give me some peace. You get your time away from the grind, I would like to too'. Then go. The other option is a lock on the door or arranging your workspace so you are facing the door with the back of the monitor facing the door so he cannot see what you are doing. He has ignored your wishes for a long time. Simply, that is not on.

ManchesterLu · 28/07/2023 17:49

Haha I'm awful for this when me and DP are working. I can get away without being tied to the desk whereas he can't, but I'm always popping into his office. I'm just trying to put off doing my own job! (I don't get paid per hour so I'm only hurting myself!)

SeamsLegit · 28/07/2023 17:50

This situation has inexplicably INFURIATED me. I don't know how you put up with this, or how this hasn't given you the ick, regardless of how he behaves otherwise. The cling, the feigned innocence, the pathetic excuses, the passive aggressive behaviour for DAYS after being told to stop the weird behaviour, restarting the behaviour EVEN ONCE never mind like clockwork for YEARS, the puppy dog eyes, SEVEN TIMES in 30 mins... I am in disbelief that a woman of your obvious intelligence would accept this. Long before this stage, I would have had a conversation before each and every study session..... "I am about to begin studying. If you need anything from that room, get it now. I do not need ANYTHING. If I DO need anything, I will ask. Please parent the toddler for the durity of my study session, that includes preventing them from approaching the door. Thank you for NOT interrupting, I appreciate your support in getting the study done as quickly and efficiently as possible." Hell I might have had a script printed out! How on earth are you still with him???

PurpleBugz · 28/07/2023 18:00

I think the passive aggressive response to you asking him to not interrupt is concerning. Id have a think if there are other red flags, maybe he is just paranoid or needy.

Maybe the masters will lead to your earning more than him? I had an ex who couldn't cope with it once I earnt more. Maybe he thinks with the career progression he will not be appealing to you as a partner.

I would tackle it by every time he asked if you need something give him housework. "Oh yes would be great if you can clean the bathroom it will give us more quality time if I don't have to worry" "that massive pile of washing downstairs needs putting away please thank you" etc.

tidalway · 28/07/2023 18:02

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Keykaty · 28/07/2023 18:18

Don't over analyse. This invasion of your space is driving you mad. Tell him to shape up or ship out. If he refuses to leave you alone to study, go out to Costa.

I think he is afraid that the qualification that you are studying for gives you options for more independence in the future, perhaps even away from him, and he doesn't like that.

Feministwoman · 28/07/2023 19:47

Cherrysoup · 28/07/2023 12:48

Honestly, you need to tell him directly to stop interrupting you. It’s weird and would piss me right off. When I was studying, my DH left well alone, I was timing myself doing essays etc, I couldn’t have tolerated being brought coffee on a constant!

This.

No excusing, finding lists for him to do, no accommodating or making excuses. He's being fucking weird.
Ignore him and if he keeps doing it, tell him to fuck off

Feministwoman · 28/07/2023 19:48

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 28/07/2023 17:16

He continually does something that you have repeatedly asked him not to do. That's not normal behaviour OP. He's telling you something, God knows what though. I certainly wouldn't invite him in with his laptop. He gets his time away from the house, you deserve time for you too. The best option is to go to the pub/starbucks or wherever. If he complains, which I suspect he will then say 'I have repeatedly asked you over the last 2 years to give me some peace. You get your time away from the grind, I would like to too'. Then go. The other option is a lock on the door or arranging your workspace so you are facing the door with the back of the monitor facing the door so he cannot see what you are doing. He has ignored your wishes for a long time. Simply, that is not on.

This

Cherrysoup · 28/07/2023 20:24

SeamsLegit · 28/07/2023 17:50

This situation has inexplicably INFURIATED me. I don't know how you put up with this, or how this hasn't given you the ick, regardless of how he behaves otherwise. The cling, the feigned innocence, the pathetic excuses, the passive aggressive behaviour for DAYS after being told to stop the weird behaviour, restarting the behaviour EVEN ONCE never mind like clockwork for YEARS, the puppy dog eyes, SEVEN TIMES in 30 mins... I am in disbelief that a woman of your obvious intelligence would accept this. Long before this stage, I would have had a conversation before each and every study session..... "I am about to begin studying. If you need anything from that room, get it now. I do not need ANYTHING. If I DO need anything, I will ask. Please parent the toddler for the durity of my study session, that includes preventing them from approaching the door. Thank you for NOT interrupting, I appreciate your support in getting the study done as quickly and efficiently as possible." Hell I might have had a script printed out! How on earth are you still with him???

I have never wanted a 'like' button more!

PowPurry · 29/07/2023 21:49

IHRTWT.. but the post alone wore me out.

I applied for Paramedic Sciences and got really far, but didn’t get in ultimately.

I have four children also and it’s worked out for the best. I’ve set up my own business and it’s doing really well. Whatever you’re doing your masters in.. create a niche and go with it. It’s all down to confidence to just go for it.

PowPurry · 29/07/2023 22:08

Just read your posting message. He sounds v much like my husband. In unchartered waters now his wife is doing something other than raising babies.
He’s panicking with the changes. But your marriage has nothing to worry about.

You're bettering yourselves. You love each other as you’ve stated.

Good luck with your degree(s!)