What is wrong with men?

[Nottodayplease36]

I have been OLD since January (I took a break for a few months because I got sick of it) and I just can’t believe the amount of strange annoying men I have encountered.

I’ve been out with four different men, all very keen at the beginning. Three of them I have been on multiple dates with (3/4) so I don’t think I don’t look like my photos or anything.

They have all messaged me after the first date telling me that they had a great time. I’ve been careful not to chase/double text etc but always replied when they text me. At the beginning I’m getting “good morning” texts, them arranging dates etc. Yet every single one has just ghosted without any real notice and I just don’t get it.

I’m told I am quite funny, I’ve got my shit together, good job, own house etc. I’ve not slept with any of them but happily kissed, when they have suggested going away for the weekend I’ve said I would happily once I get to know them etc.

I’m starting to feel like there is no point. I would love just to meet a nice normal guy. Are other people having these sort of experiences? I’ve literally not got past 5 weeks🙈

The question asked in the title, my answer..

Insecurity..

As for the topic of OLD.
I reckon men treat it like a cookie jar. They're unlikely to settle on just one cookie when the next cookie may be even more chocolatey and have even more sprinkles, so they keep dipping in and pulling out a cookie. More often than not all they want the cookie for is to stick their dick in and fuck off... (Think my analogy went a bit wrong there...)

Omg you sound like me.

Similar to you I’m 33 and pretty sorted: fit, fun, own house etc. I don’t pursue, go with an open mind and don’t over invest. I have a full life outside of dating and keep coming up against men who blow very hot and then dwindle off/panic as you’ve described. I also have a radar for men on the apps who just want the validation that comes from speaking to a woman, but can’t actually motivate themselves to meet her. A friend of mine has been talking to some flake for a YEAR and he keeps making excuses! I digress.

I think the paradox of choice is partly to do with the odd behaviour from certain men on OLD. When you meet someone in the wild, the social contract is in place that rather determines you behave better when you’re taking out your friend’s sister/woman from the gym class. Because if you don’t there will be social consequences. OLD doesn’t present the same issue for guys (or women!) because they can skip merrily along to whoever has taken their fancy next without their social group passing comment or holding them to account.

I am convinced it’s not personal, OP. The problem is a them problem, so if I were you I would not turn the focus inwards, as tempting as it is to do so. Just build a big juicy life, don’t take any of it seriously and try to laugh. But I do understand how painful it is. I’ve been right there with you.

I’m glad I’m not the only one. I also have a fun full life outside dating. I honestly don’t know what they’re looking for. I look like my photos, I’m not clingy, I can chat to anyone. If I found someone like me I’d be delighted🤣(jokes)

I totally agree it’s a them problem but it’s so bloody draining. The wasted time and energy that goes into replying and meeting these flakes only for them to text you non stop for weeks and then one day just vanish. My latest flake was texting constantly, calling me, planning dates, paying for everything (even tho I offered half) and now he’s disappeared🙈 I’m not going to text or call him, I just wish I could meet a normal grown up man.

Totally not me reading your post title and thinking 'Well how long have you got' xD

Hmm...if someone was 'texting constantly' after just a few dates I'd get the ick. Be careful you aren't attracting love bombers and just not spotting it.

They tend to be very keen and then suddenly blow cold.

Someone giving Mr good morning texts after just a few dates would probably put me off them too though tbf. I don't want to live in someone's back pocket. Let alone at just 1 month in.

Noticing wrong with you. I’ve been on Bumble since Feb, had 3 dates none of which were successful. Spoken to a few guys on phone, dates been arranged then they either disappeared or - in 2 separate cases - I got sent almost nude photos the day before!

My single friends give pretty similar feedback. It’s pretty grim out there

I think you just haven’t met someone you have chemistry with yet. It’s a numbers game. Many of the men on OLD do treat it like a cookie jar, but at some point you might meet one who you click with. Then it won’t be hard work.

I kissed a few frogs before I met DP. He was so refreshing. Told me he thought I was amazing straight after the first date, asked to see me again, was straightforward, honest and open with his feelings. No messing around, we were just very taken with each other.

When you know you know.

Keep going.

I honestly don’t know why these sort of men do this. It’s the weirdest thing, I do wish I could just meet someone in real life.

It's not you it's them op.

No idea why they do it, but they do often.

I've given up on OLD now, it just doesn't appeal any more. hundreds of men telling me I'm super funny, amazing, beautiful, etc (I am all of those things), and they just disappear. It's deeply rude and disrespectful. My latest one has just ghosted me out of nowhere after an entire year. And he was one of the good ones.

It's just not worth it op. As a cohort, they're just not good enough and don't deserve us.

OLD is a numbers game unfortunately, I would guess that these men are probably multi dating or multi chatting ( as per the advice given to women on this forum), and you are just not the fit for them.

Sorry.

also don’t take it personally, I’m male and women do exactly the same things, it’s so rude

Guys perspective here but yeah don't beat yourself up, it's not you. As PP said I've also experienced this from women on OLD I think it's just how it goes and it's disheartening.

I dunno why people can't just be straightforward would save a lot of time and energy for everyone.

That’s the thing I honestly don’t get about them. These idiots have attractive, smart, fit, shit together girls who are genuinely interested in them and then they disappear🤷‍♀️Some of the guys I’ve went on dates with were very average, and they’ve still ghosted me.

I think I’m going to call it a day too, I can’t bare to go through the whole “what do you do for a living, what’s your dog called” convo with some loser again.

The last one definitely wasn’t multi dating, he spent most of his time out of work phoning me. I always had to cut short the call because he would have spoken for hours and hours.

I’m not bothered that he’s ghosted me really, it’s just the change of behaviour that I find weird.

It’s crap isn’t it? Feel like those of us who are honest and genuine on OLD are very few and far between.

They cast a wide net, they lovebomb to an extent to keep you there then they focus on the one they like best at the time.

You have your shit together, but they don’t. If they did they'd either be married or dating younger woman.

They don’t want a woman with her shit together, they want a woman they can be themselves with, a dirty messy arrogant prick with an inferiority complex that they can take out on you to relieve themselves and get a shag when they want.

If you want a woman with her shit together you go to the places she hangs out because you hang out there too because you have your shit together.

Yeah and I think it's probably the same on both sides, the genuine ones are lost in that massive pool of time wasters or those who straight up lie of their intentions or outlooks. Be helpful if there was a way to just filter all those out but probably a reach.

They don’t want a woman with her shit together, they want a woman they can be themselves with, a dirty messy arrogant prick with an inferiority complex that they can take out on you to relieve themselves and get a shag when they want
THIS!
you are not easy enough to manipulate so they carry on until they find a victim they feel able to control

What @BeaumontLivingston said. Absolute key-unts

If you want a woman with her shit together you go to the places she hangs out because you hang out there too because you have your shit together.

This only really works if you're outgoing and gregarious though? If you're already a social butterfly and one of the cool cats in town, then to be honest (no disrespect at all to OP or anyone else) you're not going to be looking for love in a phone app.

Honestly, being a man I don't even understand most men myself and have never really had much in common. Guarantee first words are what team do you support and it's dead in water when I say I don't, it's like blasphemy, outcast.

It is also insane how most will find fault in some way when there's nothing wrong or are more like magpies, never content or just cannot or do not want commit to anything.There is also a fair amount who find self sufficient women daunting, for some reason. Then those who are looking for anything quick and easy, obviously.

Although it's draining and soul destroying don't give up there are genuine ones out there but are generally lost in the sea of time waster men, who are also dredging through their own sea of time wasters seeking something genuine.

I've had some good successes with online dating, but only because my filter is set to max.

Here my formula:
Roughly, out of 30-40 messages there will be about 5 people that sounds worth messaging back. Out of those 5 prospective dates I will probably only meet 1 in person as the others are boring or they communicate in an annoying way so they get filtered out. Rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat.

Out of 3 people that make it through to the privilege of an in-person meeting, I will dislike 2 of them because they something annoying about them like one guy wore a necklace and the other one took me to Wetherspoons. That leaves one person of interest.

On the second date get them to do something for you like build a flat pack wardrobe or drive you to the supermarket, then at least if they're no good then you've got something productive done and not wasted time.

Basically your job is to filter them OUT. Do not filter them IN. Filter filter filter. Your job is to dislike. Anything slightly annoying or boring and they're OUT. That's the only way you find a good one and don't waste your time.

This sounds like good advice, ruthless but good. I think I need to start being more harsh. The last guy wore joggers on our date which did annoy me, zero effort, but I thought he was quite sweet, until he ghosted me the next day🙈

Thank you, it’s just so disheartening and time wasting.

@Nottodayplease36 I don't think they know what they are looking for either lovely- it's not you that's the issue

They might be like a single mum I knew for awhile- I got the impression she liked the idea of dates but actually wasn't that bothered about relationships -as actually apart from money quite liked her status quo- she used on line dating as a source of entertainment/social life

I am a massively successful, gorgeous man and even I found online dating frustrating. It's full of losers IME.