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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What is wrong with men?

155 replies

Nottodayplease36 · 27/07/2023 14:47

I have been OLD since January (I took a break for a few months because I got sick of it) and I just can’t believe the amount of strange annoying men I have encountered.

I’ve been out with four different men, all very keen at the beginning. Three of them I have been on multiple dates with (3/4) so I don’t think I don’t look like my photos or anything.

They have all messaged me after the first date telling me that they had a great time. I’ve been careful not to chase/double text etc but always replied when they text me. At the beginning I’m getting “good morning” texts, them arranging dates etc. Yet every single one has just ghosted without any real notice and I just don’t get it.

I’m told I am quite funny, I’ve got my shit together, good job, own house etc. I’ve not slept with any of them but happily kissed, when they have suggested going away for the weekend I’ve said I would happily once I get to know them etc.

I’m starting to feel like there is no point. I would love just to meet a nice normal guy. Are other people having these sort of experiences? I’ve literally not got past 5 weeks🙈

OP posts:
Original poster
Nottodayplease36 · 28/07/2023 17:36

Aloen · 28/07/2023 17:10

I’ve been ghosted after 2 years

and after 8 months recently

Both from online dating

Wow! That has to be a new low, two years.

OP posts:
Aloen · 28/07/2023 17:42

The recent guy was going to move in and we had a holiday booked, upon his suggestion, when he decided to walk. I don’t get it 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
Nottodayplease36 · 28/07/2023 17:54

heartbroken40 · 28/07/2023 15:45

The way I did it, I was chatting to 4-5 at the same time and "dating" them at the same time.

Say you have 5 first dates, 4 second dates, 4 third dates, 3 10th dates

No kisses (on cheek is fine). Then you can't be needy because you have 3 on the go

The lucky one gets a kiss on date 12-13 and the other 2 get a "sorry not working out"

Even if you don't think you come across as needy, probably if you put all your eggs in one basket you subconsciously start to hope.

Please try the multi dating approach (but no "cheating" ie no kissing any of them until you've decided on the lucky one)

Good luck

I’m going to try multi dating, thank you. It did cross my mind to do that before but I find it hard work, I think it’s the way forward.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nottodayplease36 · 28/07/2023 17:57

Aloen · 28/07/2023 17:42

The recent guy was going to move in and we had a holiday booked, upon his suggestion, when he decided to walk. I don’t get it 🤷‍♀️

That is so bad and gets back to the original question, what is wrong with them? I mean he was obviously very into you, and then one day he just decides to walk? I honestly don’t get it.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 28/07/2023 18:01

Nottodayplease36 · 28/07/2023 17:57

That is so bad and gets back to the original question, what is wrong with them? I mean he was obviously very into you, and then one day he just decides to walk? I honestly don’t get it.

Show quote history

Or he just wanted her to be really into him. Booking trips and talking about moving in together to see if she was up for those things. So he could convince himself of how desirable he was.

Aloen · 28/07/2023 18:05

Well, he lost a lot of money he didn’t have by booking the holiday and not going on it

Seems a lot to prove I liked him - I liked him anyway!

I don’t get it 🤷‍♀️

Pinkbonbon · 28/07/2023 18:10

Just all about his ego.

Don't be surprised if he reappears telling you some sob story about being scared in a few months pp.

Don't be slow to tell him to fuck off if he does.

Aloen · 28/07/2023 18:18

Pinkbonbon he wanted time and space first of all
then I found him on a dating site
I wished him well and he took three weeks to reply to wish me well too - on the day we were due to fly on holiday!
I sent him some angry msgs so I hope he stays fucked off 😊

DizzyRascal · 28/07/2023 18:35

I tried multi- dating once but accidentally shagged one of them on the first date, and 10 years later he's still making the place look untidy [fail]

Cherryblossom200 · 28/07/2023 18:50

This is avoidant behaviour! Read the book Attached, it's all there. It's a brilliant book. It talks about three main attachment styles, secure, anxious and avoidant. The majority of securely attached people are married and happy, the main dating pool is filled with anxious and mainly avoidant men and women. So it's hard finding someone who is securely attached who you will be able to have a healthy relationship with...plus someone you actually like! That's why dating is not easy 😬

Original poster
Nottodayplease36 · 28/07/2023 18:59

DizzyRascal · 28/07/2023 18:35

I tried multi- dating once but accidentally shagged one of them on the first date, and 10 years later he's still making the place look untidy [fail]

🤣🤣🤣

At least you found someone you like who wasn’t an avoidant man child.

I have one date arranged for next week and I’m talking to two. I’m getting on with the multi dating, although this could all fall apart by next week. I’ve got to try!

OP posts:
heartbroken40 · 28/07/2023 19:04

@Livelifelaughter multi dating works because it changes YOUR behaviour. So you're not so invested in one man that you lose the sense of perspective. Unfortunately I am an independent woman and all that but I still tend to overthink and overanalyse. So multi dating made the overthinking really impossible because if one didn't message, the other did and so on

I wasn't friend zoned. They knew ours were dates so no definitely no friend zoning. Just try and come back in 6-9 months and feel free to thank me then when you find an amazing man Grin

ColonelOfTruth · 28/07/2023 19:08

33goingunder · 27/07/2023 14:57

Omg you sound like me.

Similar to you I’m 33 and pretty sorted: fit, fun, own house etc. I don’t pursue, go with an open mind and don’t over invest. I have a full life outside of dating and keep coming up against men who blow very hot and then dwindle off/panic as you’ve described. I also have a radar for men on the apps who just want the validation that comes from speaking to a woman, but can’t actually motivate themselves to meet her. A friend of mine has been talking to some flake for a YEAR and he keeps making excuses! I digress.

I think the paradox of choice is partly to do with the odd behaviour from certain men on OLD. When you meet someone in the wild, the social contract is in place that rather determines you behave better when you’re taking out your friend’s sister/woman from the gym class. Because if you don’t there will be social consequences. OLD doesn’t present the same issue for guys (or women!) because they can skip merrily along to whoever has taken their fancy next without their social group passing comment or holding them to account.

I am convinced it’s not personal, OP. The problem is a them problem, so if I were you I would not turn the focus inwards, as tempting as it is to do so. Just build a big juicy life, don’t take any of it seriously and try to laugh. But I do understand how painful it is. I’ve been right there with you.

I have to say 33, this is a bloody brilliant response! Never thought of it this way.

heartbroken40 · 28/07/2023 19:10

@Nottodayplease36 sorry wanted to tag you on my message below. Multi dating is what you need. Don't tell them you are doing that (if they want to do the same, let them). It's great for your self confidence and great for your demeanour towards them. Highly highly recommended

DizzyRascal · 28/07/2023 19:25

At least you found someone you like who wasn’t an avoidant man child.
Oh I wouldn't say that...!

Livelifelaughter · 28/07/2023 21:55

heartbroken40 · 28/07/2023 19:04

@Livelifelaughter multi dating works because it changes YOUR behaviour. So you're not so invested in one man that you lose the sense of perspective. Unfortunately I am an independent woman and all that but I still tend to overthink and overanalyse. So multi dating made the overthinking really impossible because if one didn't message, the other did and so on

I wasn't friend zoned. They knew ours were dates so no definitely no friend zoning. Just try and come back in 6-9 months and feel free to thank me then when you find an amazing man Grin

You are fabulous. And frankly a bloody inspiration.

Livelifelaughter · 28/07/2023 22:02

ColonelOfTruth · 28/07/2023 19:08

I have to say 33, this is a bloody brilliant response! Never thought of it this way.

Show quote history

I agree totally.
I was heartbroken after being dumped by a guy I met through connections... honestly I think if he was being honest with himself, he only ever really wanted a casual relationship but couldn't label it as such because it would look awful to friends.
The trouble now is with OLD people bounce from one relationship to another and as you say there's no web of social connections. But all the men I have met IRL are honestly no better because they may also have done OLD and have a similar mindset. That's my view but would be very open to hear other views...

guineacup · 28/07/2023 23:24

@EightyfirstCat

On the second date get them to do something for you like build a flat pack wardrobe...

If you asked me to build you a flat pack wardrobe on a SECOND date, then I'd think you were crazy, and you wouldn't get that second date.... and I'm someone's whose more than happy to build flat pack furniture for people too, just on a second date!!

guineacup · 28/07/2023 23:32

@heartbroken40

The lucky one gets a kiss on date 12-13 and the other 2 get a "sorry not working out"

I'm generally not one for kissing or initiating physical contact too early, but I can't imagine many men, or women, being willing to wait until date 12 or 13 for a kiss! And I'm someone who's waited until date 5!

TheAverageJoanne · 28/07/2023 23:36

Pinkbonbon · 28/07/2023 18:01

Or he just wanted her to be really into him. Booking trips and talking about moving in together to see if she was up for those things. So he could convince himself of how desirable he was.

Show quote history

I've never thought of it like that but it makes sense as to why they do such stupid things.

toomanyleggings · 28/07/2023 23:37

If they find you moderately attractive they will usually stick around a few weeks to see if a shag emerges but if you’re not forthcoming they’ll ghost. They’d still have ghosted or dumped you of course just a little later. You just have to keep dating a ton and eventually you’ll find a keen one that you also like. It’s just a numbers game.

guineacup · 28/07/2023 23:42

.... just on NOT a second date!! (Sorry, a "not" was missing that changes the whole meaning!)

Oatycookies · 29/07/2023 00:29

This is one of the most relatable threads I’ve read on here about dating. And it’s making me feel a lot better because I’ve had some of these things happen and thought it was just me . Like many on this thread I’m not rushing into bed with these men and I think they can sense it.

A guy I was interested in after talking on phone once was off with me then after I declined to send pictures (not nudes) on WhatsApp. I said to him let’s meet first and see how it goes. The fact he pulled back after that tells me he wasn’t planning to meet anytime soon if at all and just wanted validation. He tried to breadcrumb me but I said “looks like you’re busy. Message me when you want to meet. “ I’ll probably not hear from him again but at least I put an end to the time wasting text chat.

Many are very lazy or stingy and want to chat online for ages. Some have no plan of meeting girls ever or for others they reckon when you meet them after texting regularly it will feel like a third or 4th date and therefore you’ll more likely be up for sex!

I’ve learnt to sniff out the time wasters and love bombers and unmatch fast if they are messaging me frequently but haven’t suggested a date after 1-2 weeks as that’s when I suspect they’re trying to build fake intimacy through the app/phone as well as what’s known as “future faking”.

heartbroken40 · 29/07/2023 07:42

@guineacup just try please. There are more men than you think willing to wait. And then the "lucky one" will tell you - "I was dying to kiss you that day at the cinemas (say date 3-4). They want it, they have self control, they wait for you.

If you're OLD, just try. You will be very very surprised, it's a new world and one I like. Normally they are a "type" - professional jobs, confident, decent looking (I don't really care about looks too much), no chip on their shoulders. Those who NEVER slag off their ex wives and actually often co parent successfully, involved fathers and really good people.

There are more than you think on dating apps, hinge but even tinder (well I haven't dated now for almost 2 years but I doubt it's changed that much)

guineacup · 29/07/2023 08:24

@heartbroken40

That's interesting and good that you can make that work, but it just seems completely at odds with every literally other person's experience of OLD I've heard of...

The fact that you can get 3 decent, professional, good-looking guys to wait patiently until date 12, with you then taking your pick of the top guy, indicates that you must be an exceptionally attractive and engaging woman.