What is wrong with men?

[Nottodayplease36]

I have been OLD since January (I took a break for a few months because I got sick of it) and I just can’t believe the amount of strange annoying men I have encountered.

I’ve been out with four different men, all very keen at the beginning. Three of them I have been on multiple dates with (3/4) so I don’t think I don’t look like my photos or anything.

They have all messaged me after the first date telling me that they had a great time. I’ve been careful not to chase/double text etc but always replied when they text me. At the beginning I’m getting “good morning” texts, them arranging dates etc. Yet every single one has just ghosted without any real notice and I just don’t get it.

I’m told I am quite funny, I’ve got my shit together, good job, own house etc. I’ve not slept with any of them but happily kissed, when they have suggested going away for the weekend I’ve said I would happily once I get to know them etc.

I’m starting to feel like there is no point. I would love just to meet a nice normal guy. Are other people having these sort of experiences? I’ve literally not got past 5 weeks🙈

Spot on - it’s not “ have it at all it’s can DO it all”

So painfully accurate for the modern women - they sold us a lie eh 😆

And just to add I’m grateful for the great male friends, colleagues and relatives I have in my life who remind me it is very possible to find men who pull their weight in the home and feel equally responsible for making flexible working requests to accommodate childcare etc , but I don’t believe this is the norm unfortunately and research backs this up.

Maybe it’s our age but I can honestly say not a single one of my single female friends want a ‘traditional’ man. And certainly we all take our debit card out on dates and always offer to pay our way - though the vast majority of men I’ve met insist on paying for the first date.

@Oatycookies
I’m not sure what statistics you are referring to, but in my personal experience is women changing the dating rules not men.

chivalry is long dead ( as is should be), and many women claim they don’t need men ( all over this forum), yet in my ( albeit limited) experience on OLD these same people still expect men to fulfill their old fashioned gender stereotypes but offer very little in return 🤷🏻

re. Dating I can also find heaps of threads on here about men who text to come round a woman’s house for sex and food and don’t bother taking her out. I literally just posted on one such active thread a few minutes ago but beyond anecdotal evidence The stats I mean is the heaps of research that show:

A. Most women in couples/families work and

B. Working women do the lion share of housework as well as (for those with kids) arranging play dates, attending school events, speaking to teachers and making flexible working requests.

C. Many women who go part time (while the man carries on working full time ) to do childcare will end up disadvantaged when it comes to pensions.

Therefore regardless what these profiles you’re doing across are requesting for dating which is a fairly short term thing , the reality is most women are getting the rough end of the deal in marriages/long term relationships as evidenced by research as well as what I ( and others on this thread) have observed.

Yeah I only know about two who wanted a man to the only one who provides while they stay at home. The others ended up in that situation through discussion and rising childcare costs but most actually work.

honestly with all the pay inequality against women and the “beauty tax” (ie women are expected to pay money to beautify themselves using makeup etc ) if a man is going to get his knickers in twist over paying for a few dates he’s probably not my cup of tea anyways but yeah I’ve offered to pay too and they say no.

Chivalry isn’t dead depending on how you define it. I take it to mean the men who offer to carry my suitcase when they see me struggling, or who walk me to the train station or watch me get in my hoist if they drop me off … that still happens and I’m not unhappy about it.

House not hoist lol

I don't think it's just men. It's online dating. Personally I think the problem is everyone has too many options and everyone is dating multiple people at the same time and it just creates indecisiveness in yourself in the main real qualities you are looking for, and lack of trust in the person you are dating.

To pave the way for sex?

Chivalry isn’t dead depending on how you define it. I take it to mean the men who offer to carry my suitcase when they see me struggling, or who walk me to the train station or watch me get in my hoist if they drop me off … that still happens and I’m not unhappy about it.

that’s just basic good manners, ( and women should reflect that back ) nothing to do the code of Chivalry when women were objects to be won

Well they certainly don’t get sex from me for the price of a gastro pub dinner

@SamW98

😂

It is utterly soul destroying. I gave up a decade ago but it was horrendous. I can connect with people. I do and I did and yet whenever we moved beyond small talk to a potentially fledgling connection and I extended a bit of trust, because what else can you do, at some point you have to trust, pooooof! they disappeared. Some ghosted, some gave me terribly self-righteous speeches about how sorry they were to have messed me around, eugh, just torture. I stopped because it was destroying the self-esteem that I was working hard to build on outside of dating and then simultaneously destroying through repeated rejections and disrespect online.

Yep, I had the exact same experience. It made me feel like utter shit, that there must be something seriously wrong with me. I wasn't even going for handsome guys. The last one to do this was objectively quite unattractive, overweight, and seriously balding, and he basically stayed on the apps even when we were dating because he thought he could do better than me. I look back at photos of me then and I was gorgeous! Only I didn't know it, because I kept being treated like this over and over. I'm still friends with that guy on FB, by the way, and he never did meet anyone. He seems convinced that he's this great catch and deserves a supermodel or something.

Men are just delusional, OP. Most of them never seem to be able to objectively assess the situation and see that they're actually doing well to be dating you. I also suspect that the vast majority don't actually want an equal partner, they want a dogsbody to do the housework and somebody to talk down to.

This is pretty much me. Men tell me it's because I'm 38 and too old now, but to be honest, I've been encountering this behaviour since my late twenties. Back then, I did get more interest, but it was almost all men ten years older wanting a younger woman to have their kids. I was patronised and spoken down to all the time, and it was just awful. Even in my prime looks-wise (probably 30ish) when my skin was lovely, I had long thick hair, and I was in amazing shape, meeting someone decent was like finding a needle in a haystack. People act like I was just fannying around wasting time in my prime years, but I wasn't! I was out there living my life, going out, going to events, using OLD...no luck.

I've experienced the same as you multiple times - men pursuing me, being ridiculously keen, introducing me to friends and family, making future plans, and then suddenly pulling back and telling me it's too intense, when they literally drove all of it and all I did was respond with the same energy.

I honestly think it's just men. I've started to become extremely attracted to women recently, and now my head is a mess, because I'm not sure if I've actually been a lesbian this entire time and oblivious to it, or it's because I'm so tired of men treating me like shit.

I kinda think it's how people were raised as well. I was mainly raised by women and older generation and was taught to respect others and especially women. From a young age I was taught to do my share and had to do cleaning, my own washing, ironing and change beds and not to expect a women to do everything.

So for me I get the feeling that perhaps a result of this is I think more along the lines of a woman, perhaps. I think it should be equal neither is above the other and communication is important, should be able to talk about anything including feelings, feel comfortable together.

It's not just men though and from my experience at least I met my wife on OLD and thought it was perfect but it actually turned out abusive and I got trapped, not long out. She's now taken everything including withholding our children, it's like role reversal in my case.

Stings especially as I am self employed, was a SAHD and did all the chores, cooking cleaning and childcare.

So at some point I'll likely try again but this has changed me to a point and I now know about red flags at least, which I didn't understand before.

Both sides of the pool are tainted unfortunately.

ilyana I’m so sorry you’ve had similar experiences. It helps to know im not the only one but not ideal. I don’t get men. I really don’t.

I'm now smugly happily married. Met DH at a music festival >10 years ago.

Can't imagine how grim the OLD situation must be.

In the early days of MySpace (that's how ancient I am!), I had a long correspondence with a guy who was absolutely phenomenal in words. I went to visit him, a L-O-N-G drive... the minute he opened the door, I knew it was a complete disaaaaaaaster 😨 but I slept with him anyway as I felt I owed it to him after all those lovely long letters!

Obviously this was before Mumsnet would have knocked some sense into me. Boundaries have never been my strong point 😜

All I'm trying to say is that online "meeting" is sort of bullshit, although obviously if you play your cards right and get lucky it can work out. I'd be interested to know the %s though...

Meeting the right person, in my case, made me realise how many decades of my life (I'm not exaggerating) I'd wasted on the wrong blokes, including a miserable first marriage that went on for years and years and years.

If I had my time again, I'd (1) have a personality transplant in order to do (2) go out all over the place, pubs, beaches, festivals... and pretend to be a reporter or something, interviewing every nice-looking (which isn't the same as good-looking) bloke I saw, asking sort of speed-dating questions.

Honing the questions to ask early on is a worthwhile exercise. My now-DH says he always asked women various questions on meeting them, on an exclude exclude exclude basis.

Good luck everyone! 💗 and JibbaJab, I hope your Inbox is full 😃

🤣 Love you 💗

P.S. On reflection, I think music festivals (small, independent ones... not Leeds/Reading/whatever) are a great way to meet someone. Not least because for various reasons, it was important for me to find someone who behaves like a decent and caring human being when shitfaced. You don't find out that side of things online.

I totally agree. It’s not just men. The poster up thread who treats OLD as a numbers game and bins off the ones who don’t cut it is doing just the same, but she gets praised for it while this thread is criticising men for doing the same.

It IS a numbers game. But if you’re lucky and meet someone who falls in love with you, they won’t give the app a backwards glance. The ‘flaky’ men who ghost just aren’t that into you and there’s no consequence of just disappearing, so they do. It doesn’t mean there’s anything ‘wrong’ - it just means the connection isn’t there. When it is, they’ll stop looking elsewhere.

I want to know what your DH’s questions were!

oh well… I count that as chivalry when men especially random men eg. offer to carry my heavy bags and many people do think thats part of chivalry. Yes sometimes women do it for each other to be polite but in my experience it’s been mostly men who offer.

The irony of your username!

Oh okay, maybe I’m underselling myself then 😀, when I used to commute to work a lot in London I used help with women with Suitcases and getting push chairs up and down stairs quite often I’m either very chivalrous or I dress like a railway porter 😂, I was taught that was just good manners