What is wrong with men?

[Nottodayplease36]

I have been OLD since January (I took a break for a few months because I got sick of it) and I just can’t believe the amount of strange annoying men I have encountered.

I’ve been out with four different men, all very keen at the beginning. Three of them I have been on multiple dates with (3/4) so I don’t think I don’t look like my photos or anything.

They have all messaged me after the first date telling me that they had a great time. I’ve been careful not to chase/double text etc but always replied when they text me. At the beginning I’m getting “good morning” texts, them arranging dates etc. Yet every single one has just ghosted without any real notice and I just don’t get it.

I’m told I am quite funny, I’ve got my shit together, good job, own house etc. I’ve not slept with any of them but happily kissed, when they have suggested going away for the weekend I’ve said I would happily once I get to know them etc.

I’m starting to feel like there is no point. I would love just to meet a nice normal guy. Are other people having these sort of experiences? I’ve literally not got past 5 weeks🙈

Also, I'm a man. And from my experience over the years, that pace would have been too slow for literally every woman I've dated, even the cautious ones. If I was a man doing this, I'm pretty sure women would think I'm friend-zoning them and we wouldn't get beyond date 4 or 5, sooner even in many cases.

These threads are common now.
Rather than conspiracy theories.
I believe.
A date doesn't hold much significance if there is no communication between the parties or if one party is not interested. This could mean that there is little to no connection or that the other person has found someone better suited for them.

The advice to build a flat pack was absurd. There should and will be very, very little investment early on. Most men don't care about their dates hobbies, careers, or their homes etc. Sex, in my experience a genuine sexual connection and chemistry is very, very rare. So it's not just an objective act people are looking for.

To summarise, dating online gives an expectation of meeting the one quickly, but the reality doesn't quite play out like that. Years ago I multi-dated and had a number of dates (Hundred plus), most were fine, only a handful were memorable, and 3 or 4 had relationship potential.

@guineacup I am normal looking, take good care of myself, but totally natural.

Key selling points are my level of education (extremely high) and my language skills (I speak five languages fluently). Some men find that attractive and "geeky" - as such I feel I have more leeway but I don't know

The ones who got to date 5-6 + have told me I have "something" - perhaps I'm very ugly but interesting?

I don't know, found this amazing guy and he's just perfect for me

I’m going to be honest and hope I don’t come across arrogant. I’m really not. I’m told I’m very attractive. And highly educated with a great job, my own place. I date good looking professional men. I tell them I’m looking for something serious. I’m very nice and decent. They wait weeks and weeks for sex after dating. It’s always how I’ve done it. But they no different. They ghost, lie etc like others. Now I’m 38 I barely get any guys messaging me despite matching with lots on Hinge (I can only deduce my age has changed - not much else has). Lots of looks from men in daily life but they don’t approach.

I thought my recent ex was amazing and it. We were due to go on holiday. He pursued me for months. Cooked for me. Did things around my house. Then sudddnly one day he couldn’t commit and didn’t feel strongly enough. a total headfuck.

i was even ‘out of his league.’ He drove all of it.

men are bizarre.

I doubt you are ugly having had dates and assuming success. I for one prefer women who are natural looking without makeup. A bit is fine but also not necessary, certainly not plastered, prefer to see the real person.

Someone with your education would stand out to me too and would say you've got a lot more about you underneath that would be worth knowing.

Personally, if there was a connection I would wait for progression and that would further indicate it's worthwhile long term, if that makes sense.

Just off the top of my head, again I am a guy but the only thing I can think of is the type of men you are going for?

I obviously don't know full details but are these men more professional career focused types who's main concern isn't a relationship but their own success. If so the likely fallout from that may be, in their mind, they do and please as they like and that's how they are professionally but that transfers into other aspects.

In terms of every day scenario, for me, although I don't look it, I am humble and introverted and don't approach women because I don't really know whether they would interested or not, so.

No, as this thread shows, it’s men. Doesn’t matter if they’re professional or not. I’ve dated finance man, teachers, accountants etc. all from different backgrounds. So have my friends. Most are painfully selfish and entitled. Most on the dating apps are looking for sex.

Finance men*

sorry for lots of typos in my posts

Ah that sucks, sorry. There are good ones out there but few and far between. I find most confusing to be honest but I dunno whether that's because I was mainly raised by women or I'm just wired differently.

There will be someone out there, hard I know but unfortunately especially with OLD you're gonna run into a lot of those I guess.

I think this works both ways really, if a man doesn’t want children, some will see no reason to get into a relationship, or commit to marriage, the way women have moved forward in society has allowed some men to evaluate if they actually want to step into that stereotype of the provider role, not all men will

JibbaJab thanks 👍

@Cherryblossom200

I think what you're saying is true, but yet, it's women who still appear more relationship-minded than men when it comes to dating. Neither sex seems to be as keen to get tied down, especially having had a long term relationship(s) and children.

The last 3 people I've seen longterm/been in relationships with haven't wanted children (I don't either so it's fine).

It's not fair to say people who don't want children also don't want relationships. And I'm bloody glad it's not the case or I'd be single forever lol.

@Pinkbonbon
mt comment was really to the person talking about gender stereotypes and men being providers blah blah.

I have a good job , house etc & am dating a woman with a good job, house & kids etc.

I don’t need to provide anything , but I might do so,
BUT some posters get so hung up the idea the women don’t need men, they seem to forget to ask if men actually need or even want them 🤷🏻

I haven’t read every single post but I suspect people say women don’t need , men it’s because a. men traditionally pursue women (although of course that’s not always the case nowadays). And b. historically there’s been more of a mentality that a woman needs a man than the other way around. If a man is single it tends to be assumed it’s a choice when a woman is it’s often assumed she “can’t find a man” .

Has it become worse? What do people think?

or do we become more selective and pickier?

im not sure

I don’t know…i have become more selective the older I get but still I think dating overall is worse partly due to dating apps. There are some men people meet via that that they would have been able to filter out quicker had they met in person and the platform encourages ghosting and for people to keep on looking for “better”.

But it’s not just about the apps, even beyond those more men seem to want this curious mix of not being a traditional provider but having traditional partners who carry the burden of domestic duties . It’s incredible the amount of people who have men sponging off them nowadays and not pulling their weight at home . It’s kind of like the worst of both worlds.

Women need to see OLD for what it is.
It's like they expect to pull a diamond out of a cesspit.
The only people profiting from OLD are the owners who must be laughing all the way to the bank. Most of the profiles are fake, the ones that aren't fake have usually been on there years, but conveniently forgot to update photo. l got told some of the men communicate between themselves as to whose an easy target.
I wouldn't touch it with a bargepole, l respect myself too much.
It's just the same as ordering fast food now.
If women stopped using it, maybe the standards would go back up.
It's never going to get any better whilst so many desperate women too eager to please and settle for scraps.

I can’t speak for anyone else but I became single in first lockdown and having that time and space on my own really changed something within me.

I realised how comfortable I am with my own company and that it would take an awful lot for me to want that disturbed. It also made me realise I don’t ever want to live with a man again. I’m open to dating but having our own places is a must.

My sister was with her ex partner for 17 years and they never lived together. I used to think that was a bit strange - now I totally get it!

Some of your points are valid but I don’t think using OLD means you have no self respect or not using it is evidence of self respect.

Also for some people it is the most likely way they will meet people. Eg. For me I work from home,yes I make an effort to go out to friend social events etc and it’s full of couples and a few single females rarely run into single men. I tend to meet men when travelling for some reason but I work full time and can’t always be jetting off. It’s all very well people saying stay off old but even those who are outgoing are finding men are not approaching women nearly as much now. If everyone could collectively agree to stay off OLD yes there might be a chance but one person opting out won’t make much of a difference except reduce their chance of meeting someone.

I haven’t used online dating for majority of my life and nor have my friends for the majority of their lives, but yet in our 20s when we going out more we have still encountered some awful men so it’s not exclusive to OLD.

I've not sensed a change in behaviour. It's just represented in a different format.
I remember ghosting used to be called standing someone up. All that's changed is the terminology and the platform.
I met lots of interesting people on the apps.
I just don't have an expectation in the early days.
Recently my ex whom I met on Bumble decided to have a fling despite, buying a house, planning a baby and being together for 3 yrs.
Relationships for many reasons have a transient nature in this modern world.
Apps just reflect this.

I do agree that some app users are playing a game either for attention or sex.

But it’s not just about the apps, even beyond those more men seem to want this curious mix of not being a traditional provider but having traditional partners who carry the burden of domestic duties .

Based on my (limited) experience of OLD I would say it’s the other way around actually.

almost every female profile was looking for a traditional man or old fashioned men etc, but with undertones of being a modern woman and not needing a man etc, which did kinda make we wonder what some of these people were actually looking for.

last year I had 4 dates with 1 women, I arranged , setup and paid for each date, she didn’t even buy me a cup of tea, she was nice enough, good job etc but it did make we wonder if woman want a traditional provider, what was the woman offering in return, apparently not much 🤷🏻

Well I’m a heterosexual female so I’ve never seen women’s profiles that’s very Interesting, but I wonder if by traditional they don’t necessarily mean breadwinner and they more mean they’re after a chivalrous gentleman?

However either way, statistics show most women are not stay at home moms/wives and also women DO carry most of the domestic load so this new imbalance of modern relationships doesn’t typically favour women. And even when women go part time they are definitely picking up the slack with organised childcare etc at the cost of reducing their future earnings and pensions etc.

I’ve rarely known any men say their stay at home partner doesn’t cook/clean, etc but this is something I’ve witnessed in real life when it’s a SAHD and it comes up on this board a lot about men who stay at home to do nothing.

Also in my own social circle the majority of women I know work full time even after having children and the ones who don’t are very much traditional home-makers for the meantime. So yeah I think definitely women are getting the rough end of the deal in “modern relationships”.

That was to @myNewName21

Definitely. When someone said 'women can now have it all' they really meant 'women can now DO it all' (work, look after the children AND the lion's share of the chores and mental load) - not in all cases, agreed, but still in way too many.