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Original poster

What is wrong with men?

155 replies

Nottodayplease36 · 27/07/2023 14:47

I have been OLD since January (I took a break for a few months because I got sick of it) and I just can’t believe the amount of strange annoying men I have encountered.

I’ve been out with four different men, all very keen at the beginning. Three of them I have been on multiple dates with (3/4) so I don’t think I don’t look like my photos or anything.

They have all messaged me after the first date telling me that they had a great time. I’ve been careful not to chase/double text etc but always replied when they text me. At the beginning I’m getting “good morning” texts, them arranging dates etc. Yet every single one has just ghosted without any real notice and I just don’t get it.

I’m told I am quite funny, I’ve got my shit together, good job, own house etc. I’ve not slept with any of them but happily kissed, when they have suggested going away for the weekend I’ve said I would happily once I get to know them etc.

I’m starting to feel like there is no point. I would love just to meet a nice normal guy. Are other people having these sort of experiences? I’ve literally not got past 5 weeks🙈

OP posts:
MissHarrietBede · 27/07/2023 21:39

@MaxTalk SWOOOOON 😍

Findwen · 27/07/2023 21:47

A friend of mine had similar troubles, she showed me the conversations she had and I could see why - she never initiated conversations and her replies - whilst always fast responses - could often be short and low on conversation starters.

It seemed obvious to me the men she was talking to would easily have felt she was not interested in them. Given that dating can be expensive, especially in the early days for men it wasn't hard to see why the slow fade happened again and again.

Maybe that has nothing to do with how you chat to them... but is it possible if you are honest looking at your chat logs ? Put yourself in their shoes - what about the things you have written would clearly tell them that you are interested.

Original poster
Nottodayplease36 · 27/07/2023 22:11

Findwen · 27/07/2023 21:47

A friend of mine had similar troubles, she showed me the conversations she had and I could see why - she never initiated conversations and her replies - whilst always fast responses - could often be short and low on conversation starters.

It seemed obvious to me the men she was talking to would easily have felt she was not interested in them. Given that dating can be expensive, especially in the early days for men it wasn't hard to see why the slow fade happened again and again.

Maybe that has nothing to do with how you chat to them... but is it possible if you are honest looking at your chat logs ? Put yourself in their shoes - what about the things you have written would clearly tell them that you are interested.

I have tried hard to sound and act interested. I always leave them to text first but when they do I will text back and ask questions about their day and carry on the conversation. I’ve maybe just been super unlucky.

If I went on a date with someone and there was no chemistry and they never text me again, I would be absolutely fine with it. It’s the change in behaviour that I find weird.

My latest ghoster was laughing and joking the whole date and when we left each other he was like “I’ll see you next week” I’ve not heard from him since. I’m not gutted about him in particular, there were a few potential red flags going on, and although he was a laugh and I would have seen him again, I had only been on three dates with him so he’s not a massive loss. But I just wonder why people act like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nottodayplease36 · 27/07/2023 22:13

Crikeyalmighty · 27/07/2023 20:48

@Nottodayplease36 I don't think they know what they are looking for either lovely- it's not you that's the issue

They might be like a single mum I knew for awhile- I got the impression she liked the idea of dates but actually wasn't that bothered about relationships -as actually apart from money quite liked her status quo- she used on line dating as a source of entertainment/social life

You’re probably right, I wish the time wasters would link up with each other!

OP posts:
Original poster
Nottodayplease36 · 27/07/2023 22:14

MaxTalk · 27/07/2023 21:32

I am a massively successful, gorgeous man and even I found online dating frustrating. It's full of losers IME.

Are you still single🤣

OP posts:
DatingDinosaur · 27/07/2023 23:16

My personal thought is, generally, men are more sex focused. Women are more relationship focused.

Be that on the apps or in real life, so you just have to keep on dating until you meet someone who wants the same things as you (they are out there) and hone your filtering skills in the process.

The ones that want the same things as you will stick around after sex, the ones that don't, won't. The ones that just want sex definitely won't stick around if they don't get it after 3 or 4 dates, no matter how well you get on.

DatingDinosaur · 27/07/2023 23:19

"I’ve not slept with any of them but happily kissed, when they have suggested going away for the weekend I’ve said I would happily once I get to know them etc."

And this ^^ is an excellent way of sifting out the ones who only want sex..

Pineappletart7 · 27/07/2023 23:21

OLD is a minefield!! So tedious have to deal with all the immature people on there

TheoTheopolis23 · 27/07/2023 23:32

Lots of them are looking for no strings sex and they think lots of women are too.

Lots of women are not but that doesn't occur to them or hope springs eternal etc.

You are not shagging them quickly and are acting like a level.headed, well adjusted woman who is looking for a relationship, so they realise they're not going to get what they want and move on.

Saying I'll see you is just a polite, cheery way of signing off because they have t decided at that point that they won't .. of they're too fake and lacking honesty/,integrity to say nothing.

Ive had a guy who couldn't have been less interested and who I knew had zero reason to stay in touch sat "ok, well keep in touch" at the end of a shit date.

TheoTheopolis23 · 27/07/2023 23:35

Btw, this might seem strange but these guys, having realised you are not up for it and are genuinely looking for a relationship, are not the bad ones ... For ghosting. The bad ones would be the ones who pretend they want a relationship too, until they shag you at least once, and then hit you with the script "not ready for a relationship", "need to work on myself," ",moving to Australia" .... Or ghost you.

These guys don't actually want to act like that, hence they're ghosting before shagging. And they'll keep looking for an "up for it" woman who's sexting and sharing pics and shagging quickly.

TheoTheopolis23 · 27/07/2023 23:41

I've had lots of men say that meh think women on old are up for sex.
I've responded that if the women were on hook up sites, sex sites etc - I'd understand that assumption but surely not on dating and relationships sites; why would they assume wimwh are looking for sex on those.

I have yet to have an explanation, but it's just been reiterated that men think women are looking for/up for sex on old.

I can only presume enough women on dating & relationship sites di have NSA/early sex for this belief to persist.

I do know a fellow Mum who does, ok any site she's on .... So maybe it's women like her.
(She has a really high sex drive ... Bit age still seems to get slightly offended avd upset when the men show - even after months of more : that's it's only NSA sex for them).

TheoTheopolis23 · 27/07/2023 23:43

*on any site she's on

DatingDinosaur · 27/07/2023 23:50

MaxTalk · 27/07/2023 21:32

I am a massively successful, gorgeous man and even I found online dating frustrating. It's full of losers IME.

Here you go, your new signature tune:

Wink

Oh Lord It's Hard To Be Humble (Original) - Mac Davis

Mac Davis - Oh Lord It's Hard To Be Humble (Original)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QKMD_8-tj5c

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 27/07/2023 23:51

33goingunder · 27/07/2023 14:57

Omg you sound like me.

Similar to you I’m 33 and pretty sorted: fit, fun, own house etc. I don’t pursue, go with an open mind and don’t over invest. I have a full life outside of dating and keep coming up against men who blow very hot and then dwindle off/panic as you’ve described. I also have a radar for men on the apps who just want the validation that comes from speaking to a woman, but can’t actually motivate themselves to meet her. A friend of mine has been talking to some flake for a YEAR and he keeps making excuses! I digress.

I think the paradox of choice is partly to do with the odd behaviour from certain men on OLD. When you meet someone in the wild, the social contract is in place that rather determines you behave better when you’re taking out your friend’s sister/woman from the gym class. Because if you don’t there will be social consequences. OLD doesn’t present the same issue for guys (or women!) because they can skip merrily along to whoever has taken their fancy next without their social group passing comment or holding them to account.

I am convinced it’s not personal, OP. The problem is a them problem, so if I were you I would not turn the focus inwards, as tempting as it is to do so. Just build a big juicy life, don’t take any of it seriously and try to laugh. But I do understand how painful it is. I’ve been right there with you.

I like 'live a big juicy life'

Op I think your standards and boundaries are good- those who just want an easy fling will be scared off and that's a good thing. You've shown them
You're not to be messed with. Better they ghosted several dates in than wasted your time for much longer. A lot of men are very intimidated by a woman with high self respect and standards. Keep doing what you're doing and only a man at your level
Will do.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 27/07/2023 23:53

Namddf · 27/07/2023 16:52

I think you just haven’t met someone you have chemistry with yet. It’s a numbers game. Many of the men on OLD do treat it like a cookie jar, but at some point you might meet one who you click with. Then it won’t be hard work.

I kissed a few frogs before I met DP. He was so refreshing. Told me he thought I was amazing straight after the first date, asked to see me again, was straightforward, honest and open with his feelings. No messing around, we were just very taken with each other.

When you know you know.

Keep going.

This is a lovely story but readers be warned this dp could have just as easily been a love bomber with being so keen from early on- it's so so hard to tell if they are!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 27/07/2023 23:54

tootallfortheshelf · 27/07/2023 18:44

They don’t want a woman with her shit together, they want a woman they can be themselves with, a dirty messy arrogant prick with an inferiority complex that they can take out on you to relieve themselves and get a shag when they want
THIS!
you are not easy enough to manipulate so they carry on until they find a victim they feel able to control

Agreee

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 27/07/2023 23:56

I used to always insist on a phone call first before meeting anyone as you can tell if you'll have a fun date or not. This doesn't solve the ghosting problem op but it doesn't help save some time and helps you stay resilient as fewer truly boring dates

QueenBitch666 · 28/07/2023 03:09

' What is wrong with men? '
EVERYTHING.
Stay single. It's wonderful Smile

Moving12 · 28/07/2023 03:29

I have tried hard to sound and act interested. I always leave them to text first but when they do I will text back and ask questions about their day and carry on the conversation. I’ve maybe just been super unlucky.

I’m sorry but I would cut loose anyone who never initiated contact no matter how interested they sounded during conversations.

My latest ghoster was laughing and joking the whole date and when we left each other he was like “I’ll see you next week” I’ve not heard from him since.

Did you try to contact him & he ignored you? Or since you don’t initiate contact, have you not even tried? In which case he’s not ghosted you. If he initiated previous dates, maybe he’s been waiting for you to make contact?

AllosaurusMum · 28/07/2023 03:39

Moving12 · 28/07/2023 03:29

I have tried hard to sound and act interested. I always leave them to text first but when they do I will text back and ask questions about their day and carry on the conversation. I’ve maybe just been super unlucky.

I’m sorry but I would cut loose anyone who never initiated contact no matter how interested they sounded during conversations.

My latest ghoster was laughing and joking the whole date and when we left each other he was like “I’ll see you next week” I’ve not heard from him since.

Did you try to contact him & he ignored you? Or since you don’t initiate contact, have you not even tried? In which case he’s not ghosted you. If he initiated previous dates, maybe he’s been waiting for you to make contact?

This was my thought as well. You never initiate contact even after a few dates. I’d assume you were probably not that into me. Once your realize you’re always the one initiating contact you tend to stop to see if the other person is as interested as you are. They’re not ghosting you, they’re waiting for you to put some effort in too!

MuthaBacon · 28/07/2023 04:43

EightyfirstCat · 27/07/2023 19:08

I've had some good successes with online dating, but only because my filter is set to max.

Here my formula:
Roughly, out of 30-40 messages there will be about 5 people that sounds worth messaging back. Out of those 5 prospective dates I will probably only meet 1 in person as the others are boring or they communicate in an annoying way so they get filtered out. Rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat.

Out of 3 people that make it through to the privilege of an in-person meeting, I will dislike 2 of them because they something annoying about them like one guy wore a necklace and the other one took me to Wetherspoons. That leaves one person of interest.

On the second date get them to do something for you like build a flat pack wardrobe or drive you to the supermarket, then at least if they're no good then you've got something productive done and not wasted time.

Basically your job is to filter them OUT. Do not filter them IN. Filter filter filter. Your job is to dislike. Anything slightly annoying or boring and they're OUT. That's the only way you find a good one and don't waste your time.

This is quite possibly the best advice ever, OLD or otherwise. Value yourself. Know your worth. DO. NOT. SETTLE.

And filter, filter, filter!

Skiesfries · 28/07/2023 05:11

I met my husband online dating (pre-apps) and it was awful back then with all the time wasters before I met him but my marriage didn't work out. Then I read story like these and think there's no fucking way I'm trying online dating again. But chances of meeting someone in the wild are very slim so I guess I'll just stay single.

MrsStrangeViews · 28/07/2023 06:12

The ones that just want sex definitely won't stick around if they don't get it after 3 or 4 dates, no matter how well you get on.

Are you sure?
They could be just shagging other women in the meanwhile.
It’s not like their dicks are dry.
Then once they got their notch on their bedpost, they ghost just like the rest of them.

myNewName21 · 28/07/2023 07:39

EightyfirstCat · 27/07/2023 19:08

I've had some good successes with online dating, but only because my filter is set to max.

Here my formula:
Roughly, out of 30-40 messages there will be about 5 people that sounds worth messaging back. Out of those 5 prospective dates I will probably only meet 1 in person as the others are boring or they communicate in an annoying way so they get filtered out. Rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat.

Out of 3 people that make it through to the privilege of an in-person meeting, I will dislike 2 of them because they something annoying about them like one guy wore a necklace and the other one took me to Wetherspoons. That leaves one person of interest.

On the second date get them to do something for you like build a flat pack wardrobe or drive you to the supermarket, then at least if they're no good then you've got something productive done and not wasted time.

Basically your job is to filter them OUT. Do not filter them IN. Filter filter filter. Your job is to dislike. Anything slightly annoying or boring and they're OUT. That's the only way you find a good one and don't waste your time.

Personally I think this a ridiculous advice, you are not looking for an equal or a partnership, you are looking for someone do do your fetching and carrying for you.

myNewName21 · 28/07/2023 07:44

Maybe I should do the filtering with women, those who cannot cook a good meal, sew on a button or clean the house or do my washing get chucked back ( that would be most these days)

oh wait- I can do all those things already, no need for a house maid , I actually want a partner