Page 3 | What is wrong with men?

Nottodayplease36 · 2023-07-27T13:47:10+00:00

I have been OLD since January (I took a break for a few months because I got sick of it) and I just can’t believe the amount of strange annoying men I have encountered. I’ve been out with four different men, all very keen at the beginning. Three of them I have been on multiple dates with (3/4) so I don’t think I don’t look like my photos or anything. They have all messaged me after the first date telling me that they had a great time. I’ve been careful not to chase/double text etc but always replied when they text me. At the beginning I’m getting “good morning” texts, them arranging dates etc. Yet every single one has just ghosted without any real notice and I just don’t get it. I’m told I am quite funny, I’ve got my shit together, good job, own house etc. I’ve not slept with any of them but happily kissed, when they have suggested going away for the weekend I’ve said I would happily once I get to know them etc. I’m starting to feel like there is no point. I would love just to meet a nice normal guy. Are other people having these sort of experiences? I’ve literally not got past 5 weeks🙈

DatingDinosaur · 28/07/2023 07:47

MrsStrangeViews · 28/07/2023 06:12

The ones that just want sex definitely won't stick around if they don't get it after 3 or 4 dates, no matter how well you get on.

Are you sure?
They could be just shagging other women in the meanwhile.
It’s not like their dicks are dry.
Then once they got their notch on their bedpost, they ghost just like the rest of them.

Exactly! It's the sex they're interested in, not the person or forming a relationship with them.

Username620 · 28/07/2023 07:51

It’s men in general and not just OLD. Was with someone for 2 years. Dumped me by text and then ghosted me.

JibbaJab · 28/07/2023 07:55

Yeah, I think I would be wary of anyone who asked me to do something like a flat pack on the second date. No problem doing those things in general, help anyone out but not that early on.

Aozora13 · 28/07/2023 07:59

I completely agree with pps about OLD being a numbers game. I also love the advice from @EightyfirstCat about ruling people out, not in. In real life, I don’t fancy most people that I meet - the apps help you narrow it down a bit but the odds are still not brilliant. I also found it pretty disheartening so I found doing little bursts where I’d have a couple of weeks of shit dates followed by time out was best for my mental health. But probs a bit biased as I met my DH on Tinder.

myNewName21 · 28/07/2023 08:00

Crikeyalmighty · 27/07/2023 20:48

@Nottodayplease36 I don't think they know what they are looking for either lovely- it's not you that's the issue

They might be like a single mum I knew for awhile- I got the impression she liked the idea of dates but actually wasn't that bothered about relationships -as actually apart from money quite liked her status quo- she used on line dating as a source of entertainment/social life

I would agree with this, some of the women I’ve had a few dates with are nice enough, but they use dating as an entertainment or way to have a diversion from real life.
bit sad really

Cherryblossom200 · 28/07/2023 08:14

Hello,

Your post resonates with me so much, and I do date in a similar fashion to yourself. But I don't take it personally, I honestly feel that it's guys who are avoidant or not looking for a serious relationship who ghost. Like others have said it's nothing to do with you, it is TOTALLY them. But I do sometimes initiate contact so it shows the guy that I am interested too. I use the 70/30 rule if you want to call it that when it comes to text initiation. I like authentic dating, no games, I don't chase but I also show that I'm interested but have a full life.

I met someone IRL about a month ago on a weekend break, we chatted for a bit and met for a date. The guy has one of those very busy high flying jobs, so made it clear from the start dating isn't he focus. However he still pursued me, messaging me all the time. He has me for a second date, but never actually set one up. So I asked him if he would like to meet up, and received this response from him:

Hello! I’m really sorry for radio silence - work is really kicking off and now the stress of summer holiday kid arrangements! I’m wary of coming across distant but the reality of my first text is somewhat coming to reality - I’ve got v little bandwidth for dating at the moment! For what it’s worth I’m absolutely not dating anyone else or having any life outside of the kids and work at the moment 😂. I think realistically this week is a write off for meeting up. I genuinely would like to see you again but I don’t want to frustrate or mess you around. So hopefully we can keep in touch and then meet up again after our respective holidays? Totally up to you but wanted to say hi and explain what I’m up to! X

So you get this rubbish with people you meet IRL too..

myNewName21 · 28/07/2023 08:18

Findwen · 27/07/2023 21:47

A friend of mine had similar troubles, she showed me the conversations she had and I could see why - she never initiated conversations and her replies - whilst always fast responses - could often be short and low on conversation starters.

It seemed obvious to me the men she was talking to would easily have felt she was not interested in them. Given that dating can be expensive, especially in the early days for men it wasn't hard to see why the slow fade happened again and again.

Maybe that has nothing to do with how you chat to them... but is it possible if you are honest looking at your chat logs ? Put yourself in their shoes - what about the things you have written would clearly tell them that you are interested.

This hits the nail on the head for me, I’m not a “high value man “, by any stretch just mr average, but some women are such hard work to get any kind of interest from them, is all just yes & no & how has your day been, I think one woman has ever set up a date it’s normally me doing the running ,

women really to stop be so passive IMO, I keep reading on this forum that people post “if a man likes you he will chase you “, that’s true to an extent, with the rise of apps that old fashioned advice now, if a man likes you he will chase you a bit sure, but these “build my flat pack furniture “ games are just going make him think twice about you, the person is just a swipe away,

JibbaJab · 28/07/2023 08:20

Cherryblossom200 · 28/07/2023 08:14

Hello,

Your post resonates with me so much, and I do date in a similar fashion to yourself. But I don't take it personally, I honestly feel that it's guys who are avoidant or not looking for a serious relationship who ghost. Like others have said it's nothing to do with you, it is TOTALLY them. But I do sometimes initiate contact so it shows the guy that I am interested too. I use the 70/30 rule if you want to call it that when it comes to text initiation. I like authentic dating, no games, I don't chase but I also show that I'm interested but have a full life.

I met someone IRL about a month ago on a weekend break, we chatted for a bit and met for a date. The guy has one of those very busy high flying jobs, so made it clear from the start dating isn't he focus. However he still pursued me, messaging me all the time. He has me for a second date, but never actually set one up. So I asked him if he would like to meet up, and received this response from him:

Hello! I’m really sorry for radio silence - work is really kicking off and now the stress of summer holiday kid arrangements! I’m wary of coming across distant but the reality of my first text is somewhat coming to reality - I’ve got v little bandwidth for dating at the moment! For what it’s worth I’m absolutely not dating anyone else or having any life outside of the kids and work at the moment 😂. I think realistically this week is a write off for meeting up. I genuinely would like to see you again but I don’t want to frustrate or mess you around. So hopefully we can keep in touch and then meet up again after our respective holidays? Totally up to you but wanted to say hi and explain what I’m up to! X

So you get this rubbish with people you meet IRL too..

Could be wrong of course but I would say he's actually trying to do the decent thing and let you know his stance. As in he's trying to say he's come to realise now it's summer holidays he hasn't got the time with the kids, he's not seeing anyone else and would like to keep in touch and maybe reconnect after the holidays.

As I said could be wrong but that's how I read it anyway.

lousyatchoosingnames · 28/07/2023 08:27

Sounds like they were just out for sex and when they didn't get it quickly they went for easier options, we'll done for holding out, this sorta the wheat from the chaf.

Cherryblossom200 · 28/07/2023 08:28

Ha, I read it as a brush off! 😂 will see.

But I do think it's important to date authentically still, don't play games. The right man will live up to your standards.

JibbaJab · 28/07/2023 08:46

Cherryblossom200 · 28/07/2023 08:28

Ha, I read it as a brush off! 😂 will see.

But I do think it's important to date authentically still, don't play games. The right man will live up to your standards.

Yeah I get that but he may not actually be playing games and is instead laying his cards on the table and being honest rather than taking the easy route and ghosting you like most would.

If you pick out the parts in that he's saying he's misjudged his availability right now and his kids need him, he's letting you know he's not seeing anyone else in the meantime and is keen to catch up after and has also said it's up to you, as in he understands if you don't want to wait around or think he's messing you about.

Just my view but obviously don't know the person so.

Sh4rkAttack · 28/07/2023 08:55

myNewName21 · 28/07/2023 07:39

Personally I think this a ridiculous advice, you are not looking for an equal or a partnership, you are looking for someone do do your fetching and carrying for you.

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I agree.

JibbaJab · 28/07/2023 09:02

myNewName21 · 28/07/2023 07:44

Maybe I should do the filtering with women, those who cannot cook a good meal, sew on a button or clean the house or do my washing get chucked back ( that would be most these days)

oh wait- I can do all those things already, no need for a house maid , I actually want a partner

Same, although I would say most men in my experience do seem to want a maid in a partner and further concretes that stereotype, which again makes absolutely no sense to me.

I don't know how you could go through life not being able to look after yourself or expect someone else to do it all for you. I'll happily do it all always have done was brought up that way, cooking and cleaning, washing, make beds and care for the children.

This weird thing of each have their own roles in a relationship, no. Should be equal throughout a partnership.

Livelifelaughter · 28/07/2023 11:03

Nottodayplease36 · 27/07/2023 16:15

I’m glad I’m not the only one. I also have a fun full life outside dating. I honestly don’t know what they’re looking for. I look like my photos, I’m not clingy, I can chat to anyone. If I found someone like me I’d be delighted🤣(jokes)

I totally agree it’s a them problem but it’s so bloody draining. The wasted time and energy that goes into replying and meeting these flakes only for them to text you non stop for weeks and then one day just vanish. My latest flake was texting constantly, calling me, planning dates, paying for everything (even tho I offered half) and now he’s disappeared🙈 I’m not going to text or call him, I just wish I could meet a normal grown up man.

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Yep, could be a good topic for a documentary.
I honestly think a lot of men have commitment issues. Most of my boyfriends seem to like the chase and then take a wobble when they actually start having to adapt their life to having a relationship. Pretty rubbish.

tootallfortheshelf · 28/07/2023 11:16

Livelifelaughter · 28/07/2023 11:03

Yep, could be a good topic for a documentary.
I honestly think a lot of men have commitment issues. Most of my boyfriends seem to like the chase and then take a wobble when they actually start having to adapt their life to having a relationship. Pretty rubbish.

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I think that men are still kidding themselves that we need them more than they need us.
Part of the reason they won't commit is that they feel entitled to have the upper hand in a relationship but it's much more difficult to find a woman who can be brainwashed into subordinating herself to a man, if they can't be the boss they don't want to know.

Cherryblossom200 · 28/07/2023 15:32

I also just feel that times have changed, as women we have evolved and like we don't need men in the same way we used to. A woman can go to sperm banks to have babies, the majority work and are self sufficient. Men feel emasculated and to some extent feel insecure within their roles as a man/provider etc. We have become more equal now as sexes.

The problem is a lot of men don't understand this. They still live in cave man days.

Women nowadays are way more assertive and aware of how to deal with dating difficult men. I walk away very quickly if I feel something isn't right, the key is filtering and moving on quickly. I make sure I am in the driving seat when it comes to dating, not the other way around!

heartbroken40 · 28/07/2023 15:45

The way I did it, I was chatting to 4-5 at the same time and "dating" them at the same time.

Say you have 5 first dates, 4 second dates, 4 third dates, 3 10th dates

No kisses (on cheek is fine). Then you can't be needy because you have 3 on the go

The lucky one gets a kiss on date 12-13 and the other 2 get a "sorry not working out"

Even if you don't think you come across as needy, probably if you put all your eggs in one basket you subconsciously start to hope.

Please try the multi dating approach (but no "cheating" ie no kissing any of them until you've decided on the lucky one)

Good luck

JibbaJab · 28/07/2023 16:24

Out of curiosity what is it you all seek in a man in general?

I've always been made to feel like I'm weird by other guys for seeing a relationship as equal, I don't expect the traditional roles, don't it shouldn't be that way. I don't expect a woman to cook and clean for me and think both should be self sufficient and be there for each other, be able to talk about anything and rely on one another. Most relationships I see are still very traditional and it's like why would you feel comfortable with that.

Dating wise I get why women are cautious I think you have to be, especially with OLD. I really don't understand playing the field, stringing women along or ghosting but maybe I'm just odd, dunno.

Livelifelaughter · 28/07/2023 16:32

heartbroken40 · 28/07/2023 15:45

The way I did it, I was chatting to 4-5 at the same time and "dating" them at the same time.

Say you have 5 first dates, 4 second dates, 4 third dates, 3 10th dates

No kisses (on cheek is fine). Then you can't be needy because you have 3 on the go

The lucky one gets a kiss on date 12-13 and the other 2 get a "sorry not working out"

Even if you don't think you come across as needy, probably if you put all your eggs in one basket you subconsciously start to hope.

Please try the multi dating approach (but no "cheating" ie no kissing any of them until you've decided on the lucky one)

Good luck

Hello ! I can understand your approach...but I don't think I could honestly go out that number of dates and not want to be missed..
Does it work? Or do people friend zone you? Just interested to know.

BitOutOfPractice · 28/07/2023 16:35

13 dates before a snog?! Wow!

op yes I had a similar experience. There’s a lot of chaff and not Much wheat.

my advice, don’t waste weeks and weeks chatting. If you like them after a few days arrange to meet up and meet up quickly. That way you’ve not invested too much in a crap man.

Livelifelaughter · 28/07/2023 16:41

BitOutOfPractice · 28/07/2023 16:35

13 dates before a snog?! Wow!

op yes I had a similar experience. There’s a lot of chaff and not Much wheat.

my advice, don’t waste weeks and weeks chatting. If you like them after a few days arrange to meet up and meet up quickly. That way you’ve not invested too much in a crap man.

Also, I tend to meet them near me so that I am not wasting time traipsing around...

Pinkbonbon · 28/07/2023 16:45

heartbroken40 · 28/07/2023 15:45

The way I did it, I was chatting to 4-5 at the same time and "dating" them at the same time.

Say you have 5 first dates, 4 second dates, 4 third dates, 3 10th dates

No kisses (on cheek is fine). Then you can't be needy because you have 3 on the go

The lucky one gets a kiss on date 12-13 and the other 2 get a "sorry not working out"

Even if you don't think you come across as needy, probably if you put all your eggs in one basket you subconsciously start to hope.

Please try the multi dating approach (but no "cheating" ie no kissing any of them until you've decided on the lucky one)

Good luck

That's mad. Do you know how many awful kisses there are out there?!

Sure, some cn work on it but, put it this way, I went on 2 dates with a lovely and hansdome lad who was great company...but then the kiss was awful. Like all sorts of awful. Not remotely fixable. I even tried again incase it was some sort of mad fluke due to nerves. But nope.

He suctioned himself to my face and stuck his tongue down my throat and somehow also managed to bite my lip. Just every shade of terrible.

If I'd gone 13 dates with him before discovering that I'd be gutted.

Kissing is for date 1 or 2. As soon as possible.

By all means, don't shag them. But kiss them early.

Aloen · 28/07/2023 17:10

I’ve been ghosted after 2 years

and after 8 months recently

Both from online dating

Aloen · 28/07/2023 17:11

And I’m a decent person 🤷‍♀️

Original poster

Nottodayplease36 · 28/07/2023 17:36

JibbaJab · 28/07/2023 16:24

Out of curiosity what is it you all seek in a man in general?

I've always been made to feel like I'm weird by other guys for seeing a relationship as equal, I don't expect the traditional roles, don't it shouldn't be that way. I don't expect a woman to cook and clean for me and think both should be self sufficient and be there for each other, be able to talk about anything and rely on one another. Most relationships I see are still very traditional and it's like why would you feel comfortable with that.

Dating wise I get why women are cautious I think you have to be, especially with OLD. I really don't understand playing the field, stringing women along or ghosting but maybe I'm just odd, dunno.

I honestly just want someone who I find attractive, have good chemistry with who enjoys doing things that I do and who can roughly equal me in terms of earnings/house etc (P.S I earn a decent income but nothing crazy and I own a nice but not spectacular house)

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