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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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dp assaulted me... detail heavy

603 replies

Lavennder · 27/07/2023 13:45

Now exdp assaulted me. We were having a verbal disagreement, not raised voices level but it was emotionally charged. He was trying to get me to do something and I was adamantly saying no and that I wouldn't be told what to do.
That's when he grabbed me by my neck and put me to the floor. He kept his hand on my neck and I ended up laying on the floor with the side of my head being pressed into the floor. He kept saying things to me and pressing my head down over and over. He was saying "You're not so big now are you? You're not so brave now are you?" and he was pressing his forehead into the top part of mine and shouting at me, it still feels sore to touch now.
I kept trying to get him off me, he had almost his whole top half on me and I was trying to push him off. I must have hurt him at one point, I was sort of grabbing at his body, and I have long nails and that's when he hit me round the side of my head. I kept trying to see if my toddler had come into the room but the way I was pinned down I couldn't see the door. I was getting so panicky and I kept trying to get him off me but he kept putting my arms back down and leaning on top of me. At one point I grabbed his leg and dug my nails in. I kept saying get off me and stuff like that. I already get claustrophobic and I was getting really panicky. He kept shouting things at me but I wasn't registering what he was saying. He kept like shoving my head and putting his hand round my face. I kept trying to see the door and I ended up almost pleading him please where's dd name?
I don't know how long this went on for but he got off me and I ran to the bathroom and locked myself in. I was hysterical and couldn't catch my breath. I could hear my dd start crying outside but I could hear him start settling her and I couldn't bring myself to go and get her. I feel so guilty, though he wasn't being bad with her I just wanted to go and grab her but I couldn't bring myself to.
I was in the bathroom for a while and felt like I couldn't bring myself to leave when he told me I needed to get out so he could get in. So I left and went to dd who was napping after I took pictures of the marks I had. He came into the room and started saying to me that I had attacked him out of nowhere, that he was calling the police on me, that he would take my dd from me, that I was a psycho. I did start crying and got hysterical again, I was asking him how could he do this to me? Why was he doing this to me? Dd woke up and he picked her up and told me not to come near her, I wasn't safe. I went to the kitchen to get my phone and call the police but he followed me and took the phone out of my hands. I did start raising my voice here and was asking for my phone. I wasn't angry, I was distraught.
He took his phone out and started recording me, saying look at what I was doing in front of dd. I looked at her and she looked so concerned. I will never forget that look on her face, I feel so guilty, it makes me feel sick when I picture it. I left the room and went to bed and just laid there crying until I calmed down.
When I did get up I went to see dd and he said to me again that I had attacked him and he would give me my phone but if I called the police he would be showing them his scratch marks and telling them how I lost my temper and attacked him and he only restrained me. I had a clear handprint on my neck and some other marks on my neck and scalp and forehead. A few small bruises and marks on my body and arms. I just said okay and asked him if he could leave. He said he would need some time.
This was 5 days ago and he said he is leaving tonight. I have been a mess. I have not left my home, I haven't showered. I feel constantly overwhelmed and on edge. I have been doing the bare minimum, feeding dd and keeping her playing at home. I can barely get out of bed, the thought of going outside is daunting but I know I'm being an awful mum right now. I've been zoned out. I haven't been cleaning except what have to. The washing up is piling, all I have been doing is tidying and hoovering.
I called the GP yesterday and told them what happened, I didn't say it was dp, I said it was a family member and I said my dd wasn't home. I asked them to please give me something to help me mentally. They said they couldn't because I was still having breathlessness, a stiff neck and chest pains. They said I needed to go to A&E and that they would also give me something for my anxiety but my chest needed to be checked first. I couldn't bring myself to go and I couldn't tell exdp I needed to go.
My neck is a lot better now, but I have still had odd chest pains and I have had a constant headache since. Mentally though I'm not okay. I'm going to call my GP again to get an afternoon appointment today and I'm going to ask to go onto antidepressants.
I have been an awful mum the last few days, I'm racked with guilt. I feel like I'm letting her down going on to antidepressants. I feel heartbroken. I can't look at exdp, I've been avoiding him, but every time he gets into bed with me at night I feel disgusted. I keep telling myself that he is leaving tonight. I can't believe what he has done to me and I can't believe that he is blaming me. He keeps saying remarks here and there to me still about how I'm an abuser, when am I going to change my clothes. I wish I could take dd and run away. I'm hoping antidepressants will get me through this but I feel guilty for needing them. I'm just posting here I guess to have someone tell me it's going to be okay. I can't talk to anyone in person, I could but I don't want to tell anyone. I can't get over what my dd has gone through. I keep googling things to see if she has been traumatised.

OP posts:
FireEngineGeorge · 27/07/2023 13:54

Hopefully someone better then me will come on with some advice in a minute, but I just wanted to say you are NOT an awful mum. You are doing the best you can for your DD. You are not letting her down. I do think you need to contact the police and go to a&e though Flowers

Summerhillsquare · 27/07/2023 13:54

Run, grab your child and run, he's dangerous and is imprisoning you.

LadyoftheLavaLamp · 27/07/2023 13:57

Take DD, a bag and go to the police station

Blanca87 · 27/07/2023 13:58

You need to report this

LaviniasBigBloomers · 27/07/2023 13:58

You are NOT an awful mum.

You are NOT an abuser - what he has done is a really common tactic by abusive men, to attack you, goad you, almost to the end of endurance, then film you 'losing it' is very, very common. The police will have seen all this before and I still think you should report him to the police.

But first you need to be safe and to be safe you need support. Can you contact your local Women's Aid? Is he definitely going to leave? Does he leave the house to go to work or anything like that? Is your home yours or his?

I also think you should go to A&E. But only if you can do so safely. If he's had your phone then I presume the pics of your injuries have been deleted, you need them recorded.

You poor, poor thing - my heart goes out to you. But now you need to find a teeny bit of courage and find someone to help you. Do you think you can do that? I promise you, Women's Aid will believe you and support you.

YoBeaches · 27/07/2023 13:58

Why are you waiting for him to leave OP? You need to get out with your Dd now, right now.

Can you leave? Is he home all day and all night?

Can you leave?

Devilsmommy · 27/07/2023 13:59

You are not at fault anywhere in this situation. Those scratches he's got were self defence and the police seeing the marks on you would not disagree. You need to get as far away as possible from this pathetic excuse for a man. He's been violent once and he will do it again. Grab your child and run

AuntieJune · 27/07/2023 14:00

Poor you op, he sounds awful.

He's twisted things to try to make you think you were the one at fault. You scratched him in self defence. Raising your voice would be reasonable.

You need to contact police. And then leave. Incidents of strangling increase the probability that next time he could kill you. Don't let that be what your daughter grows up with - no mum and a dad in jail. You really need to understand he's the one at fault and that you must get away from him.

A police report will be useful if he tries to get custody. I imagine he said the five day thing so you'd be mixed up and not go to doctors and police while your injuries are fresh.

There's zero chance he'll leave you, he's a manipulative bastard. He might go for a bit to fuck with your head, but not for long.

Contact women's aid and get out. It couldn't be more serious.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 27/07/2023 14:01

Strangling is not a valid form of restraint

Dery · 27/07/2023 14:06

@Lavennder - you can still go to the police over this. This man could have killed you. You have the description you wrote here. That can go into a witness statement which will be your evidence. You have your report to your doctor. Do you have photos of the injuries? Take some now, if not.

Bigpaintinglittlepainting · 27/07/2023 14:08

You can contact the police and ask for the domestic abuse team to call you, what he did was classic domestic abuse and they will recognise that. You can also google your local domestic abuse charity and they can advise over the phone, or womens aid. Really the Gp is no help in this kind of situation

DelphiniumBlue · 27/07/2023 14:09

This is not your fault. What you have been through is horrific. He sounds dangerous, and the fact that he filmed your terrified reaction is chilling.
You are unsafe, you and DD need to get out.
Where is he now - at work?
He says he will leave this evening but how will he do that - I mean, will you be safe or will he be tormenting you? If there was someone else there it would be safer for you. You could call the police or, or get friends/family round to protect while he packs up to go. You don't need to hide this - it is his shame, not yours. Even if he does show his disgusting film around, people will see that you are frightened and hurt. He thinks he's being clever, he's not.
Once he's out, you should make a formal report to the police, and get a non-molestation order to protect you going forward.

Mama678 · 27/07/2023 14:13

Go to the police with your child and phone. Read the thread what you’ve written above and show them photos you took. It was self defence. How many other times has he done this? Im sorry this has happened to you

RelentlessForwardProgress · 27/07/2023 14:13

Pick up your child, walk out the door.
It doesn't matter that you have nothing with you.
It doesn't matter what he says to the police about you.
Just get out to safety.
The most dangerous man is one who has already put their hand around your neck. It is more unsafe for you there now that if you were in a war zone.
At this point its as vital to get out as if you house was on fire.
Go to a neighbour, local shop, petrol station, anywhere and ask them to call the police.
Just go, it will save your life

Ezzee · 27/07/2023 14:14

OP you take yourself and your DD to A&E now and tell them exactly what happened.
They will help support and protect you both.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/07/2023 14:15

Please read what the other respondents have written and follow their counsel.

Keeping this quiet helps no-one, least of all you here and besides which abuse thrives on secrecy. Please tell your GP the truth about what has happened to you which is in no way your fault. Anti depressants will merely mask what has happened to you and this man needs to be locked up.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/07/2023 14:17

Please get help from the authorities here; you have done nothing wrong at all here; this is entirely on him.

Neither your DD or you can afford to remain in such a violent home. Your relationship with this man now is well and truly over due to the abuse he metes out to you (and in turn his child).

Lonnnngsummerholidays · 27/07/2023 14:20

He isn’t going to leave. Either call 999 ans tell them you’re not safe. You can do it by text, here is the info

https://www.relayuk.bt.com/how-to-use-relay-uk/contact-999-using-relay-uk.html

or grab changing bag, toddler and go to a neighbours and ask them to call the police.

Contact 999 using Relay UK - How to use Relay UK | Relay UK

We'll show you how to contact the emergency services by calling 18000 via a relay assistant or texting a message to 999 using our eSMS (emergencySMS) service.

https://www.relayuk.bt.com/how-to-use-relay-uk/contact-999-using-relay-uk.html

MadeForThis · 27/07/2023 14:20

You are allowed to defend yourself when attacked.

Please go to the police station. Report him.

It's unlikely he will leave tonight. They can remove him.

Lonnnngsummerholidays · 27/07/2023 14:21

You can also go to the local pharmacy, ask to talk to the pharmacist in private and tell them or show them a written note asking them to help.

WestSouthWest · 27/07/2023 14:21

Please call the police, they will be able to help you. They have specially trained officers to help victims of domestic abuse. Tell them exactly what you have told us here today and show them the photos you have taken. Call them today, do it now if you can.

Mix56 · 27/07/2023 14:21

You have not traumatized your child.
But in order to keep her safe, Keeping your self safe is keeping her safe.
You need to go to the police, there will be a DV officer, they are trained to help.
If you still have the photos show them to the police, explain the event.
DO press charges.
You don't say if this is your home, or a joint home, is the child his?
He needs to be gone from your life & your home permanently.

tattygrl · 27/07/2023 14:24

Oh, sweetheart. What a horrible, horrible ordeal you've been through. It's completely natural that you are responding in this way. You are NOT a bad mum. You are doing what you need to for your child while in shock and trauma yourself. You are a SUPERSTAR.

Please listen to what PPs are saying. Get out, and get out now. Abusive men are at their most dangerous at the point of leaving/their partners leaving. Pick up baby, grab a bag with some essentials if you can, and get out of that house. Now. Not later, not after Partner has gone, NOW.

Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets · 27/07/2023 14:27

Without police involvement you can't hope to keep yourself and dd safe. Or even yourself alive op.
Ring the police right now.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 27/07/2023 14:28

You are not an awful Mum, you are traumatised after a horrific attack I'm so sorry.
He is dangerous and you can't count on him leaving tonight
Have you got friends or family you can run too
You have done brilliantly in speaking out and getting help
Do not be afraid to speak to your loved ones, you can send this excellently worded post if it's easier.
There is no shame in anti depressants( I've taken them for decades)
They can be the scaffolding to hold you up to make changes.
My heart goes out to you

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