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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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dp assaulted me... detail heavy

603 replies

Lavennder · 27/07/2023 13:45

Now exdp assaulted me. We were having a verbal disagreement, not raised voices level but it was emotionally charged. He was trying to get me to do something and I was adamantly saying no and that I wouldn't be told what to do.
That's when he grabbed me by my neck and put me to the floor. He kept his hand on my neck and I ended up laying on the floor with the side of my head being pressed into the floor. He kept saying things to me and pressing my head down over and over. He was saying "You're not so big now are you? You're not so brave now are you?" and he was pressing his forehead into the top part of mine and shouting at me, it still feels sore to touch now.
I kept trying to get him off me, he had almost his whole top half on me and I was trying to push him off. I must have hurt him at one point, I was sort of grabbing at his body, and I have long nails and that's when he hit me round the side of my head. I kept trying to see if my toddler had come into the room but the way I was pinned down I couldn't see the door. I was getting so panicky and I kept trying to get him off me but he kept putting my arms back down and leaning on top of me. At one point I grabbed his leg and dug my nails in. I kept saying get off me and stuff like that. I already get claustrophobic and I was getting really panicky. He kept shouting things at me but I wasn't registering what he was saying. He kept like shoving my head and putting his hand round my face. I kept trying to see the door and I ended up almost pleading him please where's dd name?
I don't know how long this went on for but he got off me and I ran to the bathroom and locked myself in. I was hysterical and couldn't catch my breath. I could hear my dd start crying outside but I could hear him start settling her and I couldn't bring myself to go and get her. I feel so guilty, though he wasn't being bad with her I just wanted to go and grab her but I couldn't bring myself to.
I was in the bathroom for a while and felt like I couldn't bring myself to leave when he told me I needed to get out so he could get in. So I left and went to dd who was napping after I took pictures of the marks I had. He came into the room and started saying to me that I had attacked him out of nowhere, that he was calling the police on me, that he would take my dd from me, that I was a psycho. I did start crying and got hysterical again, I was asking him how could he do this to me? Why was he doing this to me? Dd woke up and he picked her up and told me not to come near her, I wasn't safe. I went to the kitchen to get my phone and call the police but he followed me and took the phone out of my hands. I did start raising my voice here and was asking for my phone. I wasn't angry, I was distraught.
He took his phone out and started recording me, saying look at what I was doing in front of dd. I looked at her and she looked so concerned. I will never forget that look on her face, I feel so guilty, it makes me feel sick when I picture it. I left the room and went to bed and just laid there crying until I calmed down.
When I did get up I went to see dd and he said to me again that I had attacked him and he would give me my phone but if I called the police he would be showing them his scratch marks and telling them how I lost my temper and attacked him and he only restrained me. I had a clear handprint on my neck and some other marks on my neck and scalp and forehead. A few small bruises and marks on my body and arms. I just said okay and asked him if he could leave. He said he would need some time.
This was 5 days ago and he said he is leaving tonight. I have been a mess. I have not left my home, I haven't showered. I feel constantly overwhelmed and on edge. I have been doing the bare minimum, feeding dd and keeping her playing at home. I can barely get out of bed, the thought of going outside is daunting but I know I'm being an awful mum right now. I've been zoned out. I haven't been cleaning except what have to. The washing up is piling, all I have been doing is tidying and hoovering.
I called the GP yesterday and told them what happened, I didn't say it was dp, I said it was a family member and I said my dd wasn't home. I asked them to please give me something to help me mentally. They said they couldn't because I was still having breathlessness, a stiff neck and chest pains. They said I needed to go to A&E and that they would also give me something for my anxiety but my chest needed to be checked first. I couldn't bring myself to go and I couldn't tell exdp I needed to go.
My neck is a lot better now, but I have still had odd chest pains and I have had a constant headache since. Mentally though I'm not okay. I'm going to call my GP again to get an afternoon appointment today and I'm going to ask to go onto antidepressants.
I have been an awful mum the last few days, I'm racked with guilt. I feel like I'm letting her down going on to antidepressants. I feel heartbroken. I can't look at exdp, I've been avoiding him, but every time he gets into bed with me at night I feel disgusted. I keep telling myself that he is leaving tonight. I can't believe what he has done to me and I can't believe that he is blaming me. He keeps saying remarks here and there to me still about how I'm an abuser, when am I going to change my clothes. I wish I could take dd and run away. I'm hoping antidepressants will get me through this but I feel guilty for needing them. I'm just posting here I guess to have someone tell me it's going to be okay. I can't talk to anyone in person, I could but I don't want to tell anyone. I can't get over what my dd has gone through. I keep googling things to see if she has been traumatised.

OP posts:
TheMamaYo · 27/07/2023 15:27

This made me tearful, and brought back a lot of memories. I am so sorry it happened to you. It feels awful, and the shock and fear can be paralyzing.
You are NOT a bad mum. You are NOT an abuser. He is using that to prevent you from going to the police.

Whatever comes next for you, please, please leave this man. It only gets worse once they get away with it once. I hope with my whole heart that you’ll be able to walk away. Any time between now and then will be wasted. A man who can do that once, will do it again. Wishing you all the strength you need to deal with this.

Tilllly · 27/07/2023 15:27

CollagenQueen · 27/07/2023 14:38

The Police aren't stupid. They see this kind of thing all the time. They will believe you.

Definitely

Liveanlearn · 27/07/2023 15:28

I'm a former Detective within public protection. First and foremost you're not a bad Mum and it's a okay to be confused and vulnerable. This sounds like emotional, psychological, and physical abuse. You've written what has happened on here which is really good first evidence. Speak to womens aid and also go to A&E. You don't have to go down the Police route if you dont want to but store the evidence now. Take what photos you can and send any to an email account or multiple email accounts that are private and secure. Keeping any evidence now will give you some peace of mind that if he threatens to report you to the Police you have that information available. It sounds very much that he's using that as a threat to keep you behaving as he wants you to. I really would advise speaking to the Police but do appreciate what a massive step that is. Professional bodies will be looking to see whether your child is safe and protected so the more steps you can take to ensure that the better. They will recognise how difficult this is but they will be looking at how safe they are. To be clear YOU are not placing your child at risk - he is, however you need to work out what steps you can manage to take to protect yourself and your child. Womens Aid should be a huge help but the photos - especially finger marks on your neck will be vital. Good luck and stay safe.

ElFupacabra · 27/07/2023 15:28

Just echoing what others have said. While he isn’t there take a bag and run. Go to the police. If he returns he could escalate and I’m not being dramatic when I say he could kill you and your daughter. Go. Now.

level9mumwizard · 27/07/2023 15:31

Please look after yourself, and forgive yourself your awful feelings, you've just been through something truly terrible and traumatic, it's going to take time to process these events and you must not be hard on yourself. As others have said, please make sure you have documented your injuries and account of what happened in other places: GP, message your friends/family, go to A&E and know that medical professionals have a duty of care to help you especially that you have a young child. You must tell them it's domestic, partner/ex partner abuse, that makes them act properly. If you do decide to take this to the police you will need evidence, evidence, evidence and more evidence otherwise it's all just your word against his.
I've been there. I didn't have much evidence, no pictures of marks or witnesses (of course there wouldn't be!) and the police won't even take it up to CPS for a charge.
However you must show your pro active approach if it comes to custody battles, and keeping your child safe. Get support now, be pro active and stay ahead of him. Talk to social services, or refuge type organizations. I did. They will help you at least in being supportive and understanding, and work with you with your and your child's interests should there be any court or children's services involvement against you.
Big hugs, good luck. Stay strong for you and your child. Know you are not alone at all! Reach out to the charities in your area that help with domestic abuse. Being heard and believed is such a huge relief and help x

Monkeylimas · 27/07/2023 15:34

Op I’m a stranger and I believe you.

The police will believe you because his story is typical of abusive men. He is scared he will be charged so he is blackmailing you. He is stalling leaving as he hopes you will beg him to stay. His words during the attack suggests he doesn’t like you. His actions are those of an abusive nasty man.

Go to the police station now - you wrote down what happened on here. Show them it. They will get social services out that will help keep your daughter safe from him too

NowItsLikeSnowAtTheBeach · 27/07/2023 15:38

Print this out and go to the police station.

Please.

UWOT1 · 27/07/2023 15:41

Is he at work at the moment?

f he is out pack essentials, bith certificates, marriage certificate, passports. Clothes for you and the baby and leave. Go to A&E. Strangulation is dangerous even after the incident. You need to be checked out. You need to be honest about what happened. You need to tell the truth to get the support you need.

Most of all you need to escape. If your partner has strangled you your risk of being killed by them is 10 times higher.

Boudiccabitesback · 27/07/2023 15:42

@Lavennder if you were my friend I would drop whatever I was doing and help you 🌺
I hope you have managed to chat with WA/police/A&E and they are able to support you in real time to be safe with your little one.
You need help 💜🌺

Lavennder · 27/07/2023 15:42

Thank you everyone for your replies. I'm waiting for the GP to call me back any moment and I'm going to tell them the truth about who it was. I'm going to ask if they will see me instead of me taking dd with me to A&E. I have checked my camera roll and I'm scared these pics aren't enough. They were some time after and they are just red marks round my neck and I can see where his fingers were. When I see pictures on news pages of abused women they have horrible injuries, it makes mine feel minor in comparison. When he hit me too it was on the side of my head and I didn't take any pics but I didn't check because of my hair. I'm scared I don't have enough. He is due back here at 7 and I have all of his stuff ready and in bags. I haven't answered any friends or family calls since but I've decided to call my closest friend this evening to tell them. I'm scared of what he will do if he is arrested. Is there anyway for me to tell the police and they just log it without arresting him or telling him?
Thank you again for your replies, they have helped me and I have been reading them and re reading them while thinking. I'm going to have shower and try to pick myself up. If I don't let him say goodbye to dd I know he will refuse to leave until he does. I'm thinking that once I've showered I should let him say goodbye in a public place and take his stuff out of our home preemptively so he doesn't need to come in. I feel very on edge and like I'm waiting for something bad. I keep wishing this day was over and I keep telling myself that I will be laid in bed later at least feeling better that he is gone. I'm dreading what's coming next but I saw someone's comment to not think of the imaginary custody battle and that's what I keep telling myself. There is no help in imagining scenarios that come next.

OP posts:
Canthave2manycats · 27/07/2023 15:43

@Lavennder please, please, do not be there when this utter bastard gets back. He has no intention of leaving and I dread to think what could happen. He could have killed you five days ago and he's now thinking he's got away with it and he can behave with impunity. Do not let him, for your sake and for your daughter's sake.

Do you have family or friends who could be there with you? Just go straight to A&E, and take it from there. They will help you.

I'd really urge you to contact the police too, because they can get this ugly abuser out of your home, and there will be a record of all of it should he start to stalk you or anything like that.

Please keep yourself safe x

Loopylooni · 27/07/2023 15:45

@Lavennder i had a less physical run in with my ex and he also said he would leave. It took about 2 months in total and i had to play the game to ensure he left the house. I would say tell someone at least, though i know that will be hard.

tattygrl · 27/07/2023 15:48

@Lavennder honey, my heart is sinking, PLEASE don't wait any longer in that house!

It's fantastic that you are about to speak to the GP. That is a wonderful step and you are strong for getting to this point, and for telling them the truth.

Please, please just leave the house now. Go to the GP, or anywhere - and don't worry about him saying goodbye to DD.

This man strangled you.

As a PP said, this increases your risk of being killed by him by ten.

Speak to the GP, then get out of the house, and don't be anywhere NEAR him again, especially today while you're in the process of leaving him.

This is when abusive men are statistically at their most dangerous and volatile. Just leave, OP, and stay away.

Dillane · 27/07/2023 15:49

LadyoftheLavaLamp · 27/07/2023 13:57

Take DD, a bag and go to the police station

This

HelloDaisy · 27/07/2023 15:51

You should leave now with your dd and not be there when gets home. He may well try and take dd with him instead of leaving her with you. Please don’t risk that happening.

go to the police, gp, family, anybody or anywhere where you will be safe. Police would be your best bet. No need to even have a shower - just get out and to somewhere safe.

lucylulululu · 27/07/2023 15:51

Better to do something about it 'too soon' than to leave it til it's too late.
As awful as it is, what you've been through already, it could get much, much worse. If you don't leave before he's home you're playing a game of chance with your life and your daughter's life which I'm sure you can't possibly want. Think of her if not both of you. Go anywhere but you can't stay there. Call the police and tell them your worries about him finding out and what you're worried he'll do if he does and I'm sure they will be able to come up with a plan of action that keeps you both safe. Remember they see situations like this all too often. They will know what to do xx

truthhurts23 · 27/07/2023 15:53

He’s gaslighting you OP,
what you did was a reaction to being attacked
if a stranger pinned you down and attacked you and you scratched them to escape, that is self defence, what you did was self defence
he is using your dd as a pawn to control you
the only way to protect her is to leave this man because one day she might actually walk into the room and see you, her mother being attacked by her forever
and that will change her forever , she will be terrified

the police will not take your dd away from you ,
Ithey will be able to tell that your husband is the aggressor , no matter how smart or charming he thinks he is , he will give himself away by the things he says

for example, in this post you have taken accountability for your actions, even though you are the victim
your dh is doing the opposite and he’s blaming everything on you
if he tries to tell his version of events to the police , it’s not going to fly
they will see that he’s pinning the blame on you, when you both had injuries,
it proves otherwise

he will not call the police himself because he knows that he’s the abuser and the aggressor, if he thinks you attacked him why was he so scared that he took your phone to stop calling the police ??

it’s not to late to report this , you have the photos evidence x
you don’t deserve to be treated like this OP

Jo190 · 27/07/2023 15:54

Oh OP. You are not a bad mum. Your recollection of your daughter’s face will likely be coloured by recent events. I wouldn’t be able to see things clearly if I were you. Also, even if she did look as you say, please remember that it was your partner whose behaviour caused it. Which is why leaving this monster and staying separated from him - and reporting him to the police - is the right thing to do.

Please remember his gaslighting behaviour has been done a million times before by abusers for eternity. So many women (and men) don’t report or leave out of fear. They have this way of getting in one’s head and warping their perception of reality even which is what he’s trying to do to you of course. They know that the threat of losing our children is the most dreadful to us and it’s the worst form of manipulation. Please don’t fall for these cliches from him. Sending strength.

Crazycatlady75 · 27/07/2023 15:56

The police will be able to recognise self-defence type injuries. Please don't be there when he gets home or at least have someone with you.

oakleaffy · 27/07/2023 15:58

@Lavennder Get you and child out of there.
Police and never go back to this dangerous abuser.

PeaceGoodMercutio · 27/07/2023 15:59

I am so sorry this has happened to you.
Can only reiterate what others have said.
You have done nothing wrong.
Please, please, please get out and contact the police.
I do not want this man anywhere near you or your daughter. He is absolutely dangerous.

oatmilk4breakfast · 27/07/2023 16:00

100% second those saying to get out now. Don't be there when he gets back. Or if you really want to be there, that's right, get his stuff out but more importantly have some other people there that you trust. A friend, a neighbour, someone who will not leave you and will help you make sure he does not take your daughter. Let them know you think that's a risk. Not being on your own right now with this is your biggest priority. xxxxx

whoruntheworldgirls · 27/07/2023 16:00

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE GO NOW WHILE HE IS OUT.
Your tenancy the police can get him out at a later time once your safe, if you stay he will imprison you both.

tattygrl · 27/07/2023 16:01

whoruntheworldgirls · 27/07/2023 16:00

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE GO NOW WHILE HE IS OUT.
Your tenancy the police can get him out at a later time once your safe, if you stay he will imprison you both.

This. You have the perfect opportunity right now @Lavennder to leave the house while he isn't there. There is no guarantee that you will get this opportunity again. He is a dangerous, dangerous man and while you're in that house, you and your daughter are in extreme danger.

Newlydivorcedyay · 27/07/2023 16:03

Don't worry about him saying goodbye to DD, he will be allowed to see her in a contact centre at the appropriate time.
Just get you both to safety for now.