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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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dp assaulted me... detail heavy

603 replies

Lavennder · 27/07/2023 13:45

Now exdp assaulted me. We were having a verbal disagreement, not raised voices level but it was emotionally charged. He was trying to get me to do something and I was adamantly saying no and that I wouldn't be told what to do.
That's when he grabbed me by my neck and put me to the floor. He kept his hand on my neck and I ended up laying on the floor with the side of my head being pressed into the floor. He kept saying things to me and pressing my head down over and over. He was saying "You're not so big now are you? You're not so brave now are you?" and he was pressing his forehead into the top part of mine and shouting at me, it still feels sore to touch now.
I kept trying to get him off me, he had almost his whole top half on me and I was trying to push him off. I must have hurt him at one point, I was sort of grabbing at his body, and I have long nails and that's when he hit me round the side of my head. I kept trying to see if my toddler had come into the room but the way I was pinned down I couldn't see the door. I was getting so panicky and I kept trying to get him off me but he kept putting my arms back down and leaning on top of me. At one point I grabbed his leg and dug my nails in. I kept saying get off me and stuff like that. I already get claustrophobic and I was getting really panicky. He kept shouting things at me but I wasn't registering what he was saying. He kept like shoving my head and putting his hand round my face. I kept trying to see the door and I ended up almost pleading him please where's dd name?
I don't know how long this went on for but he got off me and I ran to the bathroom and locked myself in. I was hysterical and couldn't catch my breath. I could hear my dd start crying outside but I could hear him start settling her and I couldn't bring myself to go and get her. I feel so guilty, though he wasn't being bad with her I just wanted to go and grab her but I couldn't bring myself to.
I was in the bathroom for a while and felt like I couldn't bring myself to leave when he told me I needed to get out so he could get in. So I left and went to dd who was napping after I took pictures of the marks I had. He came into the room and started saying to me that I had attacked him out of nowhere, that he was calling the police on me, that he would take my dd from me, that I was a psycho. I did start crying and got hysterical again, I was asking him how could he do this to me? Why was he doing this to me? Dd woke up and he picked her up and told me not to come near her, I wasn't safe. I went to the kitchen to get my phone and call the police but he followed me and took the phone out of my hands. I did start raising my voice here and was asking for my phone. I wasn't angry, I was distraught.
He took his phone out and started recording me, saying look at what I was doing in front of dd. I looked at her and she looked so concerned. I will never forget that look on her face, I feel so guilty, it makes me feel sick when I picture it. I left the room and went to bed and just laid there crying until I calmed down.
When I did get up I went to see dd and he said to me again that I had attacked him and he would give me my phone but if I called the police he would be showing them his scratch marks and telling them how I lost my temper and attacked him and he only restrained me. I had a clear handprint on my neck and some other marks on my neck and scalp and forehead. A few small bruises and marks on my body and arms. I just said okay and asked him if he could leave. He said he would need some time.
This was 5 days ago and he said he is leaving tonight. I have been a mess. I have not left my home, I haven't showered. I feel constantly overwhelmed and on edge. I have been doing the bare minimum, feeding dd and keeping her playing at home. I can barely get out of bed, the thought of going outside is daunting but I know I'm being an awful mum right now. I've been zoned out. I haven't been cleaning except what have to. The washing up is piling, all I have been doing is tidying and hoovering.
I called the GP yesterday and told them what happened, I didn't say it was dp, I said it was a family member and I said my dd wasn't home. I asked them to please give me something to help me mentally. They said they couldn't because I was still having breathlessness, a stiff neck and chest pains. They said I needed to go to A&E and that they would also give me something for my anxiety but my chest needed to be checked first. I couldn't bring myself to go and I couldn't tell exdp I needed to go.
My neck is a lot better now, but I have still had odd chest pains and I have had a constant headache since. Mentally though I'm not okay. I'm going to call my GP again to get an afternoon appointment today and I'm going to ask to go onto antidepressants.
I have been an awful mum the last few days, I'm racked with guilt. I feel like I'm letting her down going on to antidepressants. I feel heartbroken. I can't look at exdp, I've been avoiding him, but every time he gets into bed with me at night I feel disgusted. I keep telling myself that he is leaving tonight. I can't believe what he has done to me and I can't believe that he is blaming me. He keeps saying remarks here and there to me still about how I'm an abuser, when am I going to change my clothes. I wish I could take dd and run away. I'm hoping antidepressants will get me through this but I feel guilty for needing them. I'm just posting here I guess to have someone tell me it's going to be okay. I can't talk to anyone in person, I could but I don't want to tell anyone. I can't get over what my dd has gone through. I keep googling things to see if she has been traumatised.

OP posts:
fetchacloth · 27/07/2023 14:29

Blanca87 · 27/07/2023 13:58

You need to report this

Yes definitely.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 27/07/2023 14:31

Also you can go to boots and " ask for Ani" You will be shown to a private room with a phone where you can call police and womens aid
Might be easier as you could be going to buy nappies etc

Fraaahnces · 27/07/2023 14:32

Honey, you might have broken ribs too. Go to A&E and get photos taken while your neck is red. The police need to know about this. Tell your family and friends and the bloke at the corner shop. He is claiming to record you to STOP you from pressing charges. Don’t let him into your head now.

Lavennder · 27/07/2023 14:32

LaviniasBigBloomers · 27/07/2023 13:58

You are NOT an awful mum.

You are NOT an abuser - what he has done is a really common tactic by abusive men, to attack you, goad you, almost to the end of endurance, then film you 'losing it' is very, very common. The police will have seen all this before and I still think you should report him to the police.

But first you need to be safe and to be safe you need support. Can you contact your local Women's Aid? Is he definitely going to leave? Does he leave the house to go to work or anything like that? Is your home yours or his?

I also think you should go to A&E. But only if you can do so safely. If he's had your phone then I presume the pics of your injuries have been deleted, you need them recorded.

You poor, poor thing - my heart goes out to you. But now you need to find a teeny bit of courage and find someone to help you. Do you think you can do that? I promise you, Women's Aid will believe you and support you.

Thank you everyone for your replies. It's my tenancy here which is why I asked him to leave instead of leaving myself. He has said for me to pack his stuff while he is at work today, which I have done so I hope he means it but yesterday he made a comment about how really he is entitled to 30 days notice. So I hope he leaves tonight but I have a feeling that he might not. I'm going to speak to women's aid at 3 when their live chat opens. I do still have the pics, they're not great but you can clearly see the marks on my neck and you can see where his fingers where if that makes sense. I'm normally a very confident person and I've never been made to feel so small.
The gp did say that I needed to go the police too and I went to call 101 and I just felt so anxious. He is very adamant that I will be in trouble for the scratches and he does have the nail marks on his leg and a couple on his body area. He has more money than me and I know he would pour money into a custody battle that I don't have. He has said that he will only call the police on me and take me to court for custody if I go to the police over this. He said if I don't then we will come to an agreement between us.
I have had a headache for 5 days and I just don't feel strong enough right now for this.

OP posts:
Rosequartz7 · 27/07/2023 14:32

You're not a bad mum, you're in shock, you've been attacked and your body and mind sounds like its going into shutdown to protect itself. Staying in a house with this abusive guy is not safe. You need to get yourself and DD away from him. As you said, he's not leaving, so can you just grab a bag and get yourself somewhere safe? Can you go to A and E, pharmacy, police station with a note if you don't feel able to say everything. Show them your post? Ask for them to check out your chest pains? There is help out there, please, please reach out. This can't happen again, you need to get yourself and DD safe, you're precious. X

tattygrl · 27/07/2023 14:35

Lavennder · 27/07/2023 14:32

Thank you everyone for your replies. It's my tenancy here which is why I asked him to leave instead of leaving myself. He has said for me to pack his stuff while he is at work today, which I have done so I hope he means it but yesterday he made a comment about how really he is entitled to 30 days notice. So I hope he leaves tonight but I have a feeling that he might not. I'm going to speak to women's aid at 3 when their live chat opens. I do still have the pics, they're not great but you can clearly see the marks on my neck and you can see where his fingers where if that makes sense. I'm normally a very confident person and I've never been made to feel so small.
The gp did say that I needed to go the police too and I went to call 101 and I just felt so anxious. He is very adamant that I will be in trouble for the scratches and he does have the nail marks on his leg and a couple on his body area. He has more money than me and I know he would pour money into a custody battle that I don't have. He has said that he will only call the police on me and take me to court for custody if I go to the police over this. He said if I don't then we will come to an agreement between us.
I have had a headache for 5 days and I just don't feel strong enough right now for this.

Darling, while he's not home, you need to get out of the house.

This man has been extremely violent towards you. He could have killed you.

I absolutely understand your fear and your overwhelm right now. You are doing absolutely amazingly, even though you can't feel it right now.

But you do need to get out of the house, my love. Don't wait for him to come home. Don't wait and see if he leaves.

Can you go to a coffee shop, a mcdonald's (they have free wifi), a library, somewhere like that, if you don't feel up to going straight to the police station?

loulouljh · 27/07/2023 14:37

You need to leave right now. Pack the essentials and go to the police please. He won't leave later. He may kick off again. Get out now.

buggo · 27/07/2023 14:37

Please find a way to get out safely. Your priority really needs to be getting you and your DD out before worrying about anything else. Men like this can and do kill their partners. Specifically, the strangling was extremely alarming.

Are the pictures still on your phone or did he delete them? He is not going to leave tonight. He is going to tell you that after thinking about it he's decided he shouldn't have to.

Do not believe any threats that he will tell everyone you are crazy and attacked him. The organisations who can help you have literally heard this daily. It's basically the script.

If you have to pretend to believe him or whatever else to keep yourself safe for now then fine. But he is saying all that to try to keep you quiet.

Please try and get yourself and your DD to safety. I really promise you you are a good mum, but believing that can come later. If you don't believe anything else we tell you for now, please believe all of us that he is extremely dangerous. You have been through so much and you need to try to be strong for just a little while longer to get away from him.

CollagenQueen · 27/07/2023 14:38

The Police aren't stupid. They see this kind of thing all the time. They will believe you.

Rosequartz7 · 27/07/2023 14:38

Cross posted- WA live chat sounds like a good idea. He's bluffing re police threats and custody battles etc, he's trying to cover himself and scare you into staying quiet. Common tactic to get you to stay quiet. Report him. Get support. Get him out. You can do this. And please get medically checked. Take care.

Twillow · 27/07/2023 14:39

He has said that he will only call the police on me and take me to court for custody if I go to the police over this.

This is blackmail and he is saying it because he's scared. He knows he's done wrong. Be reassured you will not be in trouble for self-defence. The earlier you get all this on record with the police the better.
Your headache/aches and pains are more than likely due to stress and shock.
The sooner he is removed your child will stop being at risk of seeing you in danger and distressed,

WedRine · 27/07/2023 14:41

When I fled DV, exH told everyone I was the abuser and made up stories of how I attacked him. I was so scared, but my lawyer told me this was a very common tactic and they were prepared for it and the courts wouldn't take on with it either. And they were right.

Take your child, go to the police then go to the council and tell them that you have had to flee DV and you need emergency accommodation. Even if you ex leave your current place, you can consider moving back in then (and changing the locks) but you need to get yourself to a place of safety first.

tattygrl · 27/07/2023 14:41

Oh, OP, I wish we could get to you and help you. My heart is really hurting for you and I'm worried about you. Please, please get out of that house. Take your baby away from there. Everything else can and will get sorted, but you need to stay alive. Men like this do kill. He has strangled you and that is a major indicator of a person who can go all the way.

54isanopendoor · 27/07/2023 14:44

Dery · 27/07/2023 14:06

@Lavennder - you can still go to the police over this. This man could have killed you. You have the description you wrote here. That can go into a witness statement which will be your evidence. You have your report to your doctor. Do you have photos of the injuries? Take some now, if not.

THIS !!!
You are NOT a 'bad mum'.
You sound like you are still in shock - not surprising - he tried to strangle you.
Please - formally report this. Are the pics still on your phone? if not take more.

Even if he does 'leave' he may come back / stalk you / try for custody for Dd.
He is a dangerous abuser OP. Get him out / get yourself out whilst you still can.
Police / A&E / GP / a pharmacy even. Can you print this out & show it to them?

Your DD has 1, & only 1, safe & loving parent. She NEEDS you safe & well xxx

oatmilk4breakfast · 27/07/2023 14:44

Writing it all out like this is good. Take screenshots of this thread in case the site goes down or something. Do you have family or friends you could go to? He's dangerous and scared which is a bad combination. You need some help in real-life. Can you go to the GP in person. Let them know you're being hurt at home. You have the photos. You were just trying to get him off you. Don't believe his bullshit about you being in the wrong here. The very fact that you were most concerned about your daughter most of all tells me everything. He's dangerous and I really hope you can get away from him this week. You're strong for your daughter! After you're away you can allow yourself time to heal. But love he could kill you next time. Please leave don't wait for him to go. Go quietly and carefully without telling him where you are and tell the police.

tattygrl · 27/07/2023 14:44

Also please hear and believe these women here who are telling you about how this is a common tactic violent men use, that they threaten to say you assaulted them and that they'll get your child taken away from you.

Don't pay this ANY MIND. Listen to the women here who have had this same thing threatened to them - the police and the courts have seen it all before from these cowardly, pigshit, bastard men. Everything will be ok, darling. Get yourself out.

AlbertaAnnie · 27/07/2023 14:46

This is horrific just to read so I can’t imagine how you are feeling. Please take your daughter and go to the police now. Don’t wait. Violence like this tents to escalate and you need to show you are proactive to get full custody. Not only has he assaulted you he has gaslighted you and manipulated you. These is DV help out there but first stop is police. Sending you strength.

WedRine · 27/07/2023 14:46

Also, we don't have custody in this country. Does he mean applying for resident parent? The court will always uphold the status quo. So if you are away from him and take on the role of RP, and you have evidence from the police of his violence, he hasn't got a chance. If you live with him and he has a role in childcare and there is no evidence he did what's on the pictures I.e. he hasn't been prosecuted, then you stand less chance in family court. He's blackmailing you because he's scared of it getting out and it will get worse. The only way to beat bullies is to stand up to them.

Have a look in your local area if there is a women's centre or any DA hubs, as solicitors come and give free advice.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 27/07/2023 14:46

OP please go to the police. You need to get this violent man away from you and your DC. He could easily have killed you and what you did to him was in defence only.

Dont think about it, just do it. We are behind you.

buggo · 27/07/2023 14:46

I'm sorry I crossposted. You will not get in trouble for defending yourself. He could have killed you and right now, I'm really sorry to be so blunt but you are still in extreme danger. You are in more danger during this time of separation than any other.

There is absolutely no reason he will not do the same to you tonight but much worse.

I know it is your tenancy but the police will be able to make him leave once you are out.

You are doing really well and being brave with the live chat but I am worried that if you are still there once he comes home you could be in significant danger again.

Please if you can, pack a bag of essentials and go. Get to the police and tell them everything you have told us here.

Aposterhasnoname · 27/07/2023 14:46

Of course he’s adamant you’ll be in trouble for the scratches, that’s how he’s controlling you. Ring the police right now.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 27/07/2023 14:47

As it's your tenancy He is certainly not entitled to 30 day's notice!!
He has no rights.
If he won't leave simply phone to police and ask them to tell him to leave your property.
Then you can report( I have experience unfortunately)if you wish
I really admire your strength
A better life is waiting for you and DD

Mama678 · 27/07/2023 14:47

Hes bluffing over moving out and over taking you to court/getting custody of child. Help yourself here by going to the police and reporting him. If not, he will come back from work later and so it goes on. Once hes gone, change all door locks. If you allow this to carry on, he might kill you next time and your child will be left with him without you to protect them

JohnnyYenSetHimselfOnFireAgain · 27/07/2023 14:47

AuntieJune · 27/07/2023 14:00

Poor you op, he sounds awful.

He's twisted things to try to make you think you were the one at fault. You scratched him in self defence. Raising your voice would be reasonable.

You need to contact police. And then leave. Incidents of strangling increase the probability that next time he could kill you. Don't let that be what your daughter grows up with - no mum and a dad in jail. You really need to understand he's the one at fault and that you must get away from him.

A police report will be useful if he tries to get custody. I imagine he said the five day thing so you'd be mixed up and not go to doctors and police while your injuries are fresh.

There's zero chance he'll leave you, he's a manipulative bastard. He might go for a bit to fuck with your head, but not for long.

Contact women's aid and get out. It couldn't be more serious.

Absolutely this. He's a vile scumbag and it WILL happen again if he has the chance.

Dukeydo · 27/07/2023 14:48

Ezzee · 27/07/2023 14:14

OP you take yourself and your DD to A&E now and tell them exactly what happened.
They will help support and protect you both.

This - exactly what happened