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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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dp assaulted me... detail heavy

603 replies

Lavennder · 27/07/2023 13:45

Now exdp assaulted me. We were having a verbal disagreement, not raised voices level but it was emotionally charged. He was trying to get me to do something and I was adamantly saying no and that I wouldn't be told what to do.
That's when he grabbed me by my neck and put me to the floor. He kept his hand on my neck and I ended up laying on the floor with the side of my head being pressed into the floor. He kept saying things to me and pressing my head down over and over. He was saying "You're not so big now are you? You're not so brave now are you?" and he was pressing his forehead into the top part of mine and shouting at me, it still feels sore to touch now.
I kept trying to get him off me, he had almost his whole top half on me and I was trying to push him off. I must have hurt him at one point, I was sort of grabbing at his body, and I have long nails and that's when he hit me round the side of my head. I kept trying to see if my toddler had come into the room but the way I was pinned down I couldn't see the door. I was getting so panicky and I kept trying to get him off me but he kept putting my arms back down and leaning on top of me. At one point I grabbed his leg and dug my nails in. I kept saying get off me and stuff like that. I already get claustrophobic and I was getting really panicky. He kept shouting things at me but I wasn't registering what he was saying. He kept like shoving my head and putting his hand round my face. I kept trying to see the door and I ended up almost pleading him please where's dd name?
I don't know how long this went on for but he got off me and I ran to the bathroom and locked myself in. I was hysterical and couldn't catch my breath. I could hear my dd start crying outside but I could hear him start settling her and I couldn't bring myself to go and get her. I feel so guilty, though he wasn't being bad with her I just wanted to go and grab her but I couldn't bring myself to.
I was in the bathroom for a while and felt like I couldn't bring myself to leave when he told me I needed to get out so he could get in. So I left and went to dd who was napping after I took pictures of the marks I had. He came into the room and started saying to me that I had attacked him out of nowhere, that he was calling the police on me, that he would take my dd from me, that I was a psycho. I did start crying and got hysterical again, I was asking him how could he do this to me? Why was he doing this to me? Dd woke up and he picked her up and told me not to come near her, I wasn't safe. I went to the kitchen to get my phone and call the police but he followed me and took the phone out of my hands. I did start raising my voice here and was asking for my phone. I wasn't angry, I was distraught.
He took his phone out and started recording me, saying look at what I was doing in front of dd. I looked at her and she looked so concerned. I will never forget that look on her face, I feel so guilty, it makes me feel sick when I picture it. I left the room and went to bed and just laid there crying until I calmed down.
When I did get up I went to see dd and he said to me again that I had attacked him and he would give me my phone but if I called the police he would be showing them his scratch marks and telling them how I lost my temper and attacked him and he only restrained me. I had a clear handprint on my neck and some other marks on my neck and scalp and forehead. A few small bruises and marks on my body and arms. I just said okay and asked him if he could leave. He said he would need some time.
This was 5 days ago and he said he is leaving tonight. I have been a mess. I have not left my home, I haven't showered. I feel constantly overwhelmed and on edge. I have been doing the bare minimum, feeding dd and keeping her playing at home. I can barely get out of bed, the thought of going outside is daunting but I know I'm being an awful mum right now. I've been zoned out. I haven't been cleaning except what have to. The washing up is piling, all I have been doing is tidying and hoovering.
I called the GP yesterday and told them what happened, I didn't say it was dp, I said it was a family member and I said my dd wasn't home. I asked them to please give me something to help me mentally. They said they couldn't because I was still having breathlessness, a stiff neck and chest pains. They said I needed to go to A&E and that they would also give me something for my anxiety but my chest needed to be checked first. I couldn't bring myself to go and I couldn't tell exdp I needed to go.
My neck is a lot better now, but I have still had odd chest pains and I have had a constant headache since. Mentally though I'm not okay. I'm going to call my GP again to get an afternoon appointment today and I'm going to ask to go onto antidepressants.
I have been an awful mum the last few days, I'm racked with guilt. I feel like I'm letting her down going on to antidepressants. I feel heartbroken. I can't look at exdp, I've been avoiding him, but every time he gets into bed with me at night I feel disgusted. I keep telling myself that he is leaving tonight. I can't believe what he has done to me and I can't believe that he is blaming me. He keeps saying remarks here and there to me still about how I'm an abuser, when am I going to change my clothes. I wish I could take dd and run away. I'm hoping antidepressants will get me through this but I feel guilty for needing them. I'm just posting here I guess to have someone tell me it's going to be okay. I can't talk to anyone in person, I could but I don't want to tell anyone. I can't get over what my dd has gone through. I keep googling things to see if she has been traumatised.

OP posts:
Twyford · 27/07/2023 14:50

Don't worry about him having more money for a custody dispute: as there has been domestic violence, you would qualify for legal aid, provided of course that you qualify financially.

ThankYouVeryMuchGerry · 27/07/2023 14:51

He's threatening to go to the police about you? But its not ok for the police to know about him. He's gaslighting you.

I have been in your exact situation. He did it many many times at at one point I thought I was actually going to die. Then my DC would be stuck with just him looking after them and he would do the same to them.

He filmed me too and tried to show his parents and friends what a basket case I was and that I wasn't fit to raise DC. They were just shocked that he could have got me to a state where I could behave like that. They could see what he was truly doing even though he was trying to convince them I was mental

He will not move out tonight - he will not move out at all as he is trying to control you and keep a hold over you. He will repeatedly use violence to keep you under his control. Can you live with him killing you and then bringing up DD?

Call the police right now. You have photos as proof and you have explained everything very clearly here.

You need to go to the police and document everything, and if he does try and fight you for custody, then a judge can see what sort of person he is. If you don't report it and just split up and agree custody, then you are putting DD in harms way. He is not going to change.

The GP will support you, antidepressants are nothing to be worried about, and if you don't get help now then who knows what meds you'll end up on.

DD will be fine - she is young enough that she won't even remember this, but if you don't report him and he ends up killing you then DD will have to live with that her whole life. You and she are worth more than that.

Twyford · 27/07/2023 14:51

Ignore him being "adamant" about the scratches, you are entitled to defend yourself. If he really thought he had a case, he would have gone to the police already.

buggo · 27/07/2023 14:51

Also his money will do him no good. He's not going to take your daughter from you. The courts will see right through him. He's threatening that to try to keep you from telling anyone and to try to maintain control. Right now his sense of control is being threatened. He is panicking and trying desperately to scare you. He is also at his most dangerous.

Fraaahnces · 27/07/2023 14:51

He bloody WILL be in trouble. I bet his wounds will absolutely prove you were defending yourself.

HateMyselfToo · 27/07/2023 14:51

The police WILL help you. They have heard all the bullshit "but she did this" stories before.
Take a bag with essentials and go. If you can't get to police, go to pharmacist and ask to speak in their private room as others have said.

Take stuff for DD, phone and charger, any medication you need, purse and go...

YoSof · 27/07/2023 14:51

Please either go to the police station or A&E now and tell them what’s happened.
If you can’t find the words, show them this thread.

He won’t leave tonight. He is more likely to kick off again. Please get help, right now, while he’s out so he can be removed. Please op, go now and get this documented.

This isn’t your fault x

Downatthefarm · 27/07/2023 14:52

Get a voice recorder app on your phone and record every interaction you have with him.

Unfortunately I've been on the receiving end of what he's threatening you with. An abusive ex went batshit and started smashing up our flat, cutting himself with glass. I called the police and when they arrived he told them I'd done that to him and I was arrested. No further action but that's besides the point. It really shook my trust in the police and meant I was very reluctant to involve them again.

Times have moved on now. The police are well aware of the tactics abusers use nowadays.

I'm so sorry you're in this position and I hope the POS gets out of your property as agreed.

If he doesn't I'd definitely go to the police. Let him tell them you scratched him, it was self defence.

Toooldtocareanymore · 27/07/2023 14:53

Stop worrying about the scratches now, they just prove your point you had to fight him off, there would be no need to strangle someone who scratched your leg , please do go to police, get them to help you get him away from you, they can get him packed and out so that you have a safe home, then you need a locksmith and change the locks. Keep your baby fed and dry.

That's all you need to do now, don't worry about some hypothetical custody battle in the future, he is trying to make sure you don't report this now as he knows he's going to be in trouble, the police can help but only if they know, i know you can't think now, you are in shock, you are in pain, the stress of what he's going to do next will be paralyzing too, we know all this but all i can do is urge you to find this last bit of strength and get yourself into a police station or on a call now.

FartSock5000 · 27/07/2023 14:53

@Lavennder PLEASE call 999 right now and tell them he hurt you and that you've been trapped in the house for 5 days with him and you are afraid to try to leave.

Tell them everything. His threats etc too.

Make sure you keep the pics of your injuries safe where he cannot delete them because you will need to report all of this if you stand any chance at all of getting him out for good and even a non-molestation order.

He was happy to harm you in front of your child. What an utter scumbag.

Don't let him get away with it. Call the Police now. Right this minute and they will deal with him.

Then call Woman's Aid and get help on dealing with the aftermath.

Men who strangle are statistically more likely to kill. Do NOT protect him. He is bullying you now to try to make this go away. He knows the longer you leave it, the less likely you'll be believed.

Be strong for your daughter. Call the Police right now.

billy1966 · 27/07/2023 14:54

CollagenQueen · 27/07/2023 14:38

The Police aren't stupid. They see this kind of thing all the time. They will believe you.

This a thousand times.

Please go to the police.

He knows well he has committed a crime and is trying to protect himself.

StopStartStop · 27/07/2023 14:57

Fucking hell. This is awful. I've been the woman pinned to the floor, his hands around my neck. You've been through too much.

Take your baby, go to A&E and tell them.

You've done nothing wrong. Take your child and go to get help. Now.

MzHz · 27/07/2023 14:58

What do many have already said is true:

he won’t fight for custody
youre not an abuser and the police will see through him
you have not traumatised your child, she will be fine as long as you get him out of your lives

get his stuff packed
call the police and explain that he needs to leave, that he’s assaulted you and you want him to leave your home today and you would like them to help you get him out/away from you.

what time is he due back? Can you call the police to help you when he comes home?

Crunchingleaf · 27/07/2023 14:59

OP go get help now while you have the proof from the injuries he caused you.
He will never admit that he did this. He will continue to act like he is reasonable one and your nuts.
I was reading something yesterday written by Lundy Bancroft who mentioned some abusers want to interfere/destroy the mother/child bond. Your instinct to protect your child will be repeatedly thwarted by him and he will insert himself as the hero in a situation he has caused (and she should never ever witness. )
Abusers often do fight for custody so you need evidence that he is physically violent to help your case.

Verbena17 · 27/07/2023 15:00

I would call the Police, your landlord and a locksmith and get the locks changed before he gets home.

It’s your right to stay there- it’s your tenancy.

The police will make sure he doesn’t get in whilst the locks are being changed hopefully.

Ignore what he told you - there’s no way they’ll believe him. You were distraught and crying because he had just been holding you down on the floor.

ElEmEnOhPee · 27/07/2023 15:02

This takes me back ten years to when I could have written almost exactly the same post, right down to him threatening to take our child me. Fucking arsehole.

OP I didn't report and even now I am so mad at myself for not doing so, it would have made a huge difference to our lives. My ex did go to a solicitor but it was basically a scare tactic and wanting to continue to control me through the courts, he also reported me to social services and later confessed to me that it was him due to the court case and him not "having anything" on me so he had to make stuff up! He met someone else to abuse and control and had a baby with her so he dropped the case with our child (thankfully), next woman was abused even more badly, then he met another woman who he had yet another child with and abused her in even more extreme ways.

He moved away for years then came back to our home town and wanted to see our child. I went to the police, school, GP, Womens Aid etc but no one would help me at this point because I had no evidence, I had never reported. I was told he could go to the school and remove our child because he was on the birth certificate, no matter that he hadn't had contact in years! Even no if I want to take my child abroad I need his permission, even though we have no contact, he's moved away to God knows where and is in and out of prison.

Is this the first time he's hit you? What about other forms of abuse? Make notes of everything. I didn't even realise the extent of the psychological abuse he'd put me through until he had gone, that's when it all hit me. Please, please don't listen to him, the police will soon have him sussed. Reporting now will benefit you and your child so much and if it goes to court please seek a child arrangement order that states the child is to reside with you, that way he can't remove the child from your care.

Report, get legal advice and don't let him get inside your head. I know it's easier said than done but if he's anything like my ex, and sounds like he is, then he will do anything and everything in his power to provoke a reaction from you to make YOU look like the "crazy" one. If he does this, DO NOT react, just ignore him as best you can.

Good luck OP I hope everything works out for you. 💐

Sickofchangingmyfuckingusername · 27/07/2023 15:06

I would second A and E. Now. You need to check yourself out. Explain about how distressed you are because of his behaviour and his threats.An A and E report will form part of the evidence as will any doctors visit.

DO NOT BELIEVE A WORD HE SAYS. He can’t be trusted now, ever. It will be you against him, so you need to be strong for your little girl.

He is talking shit about you attacking him, no one attacks someone by scratching them! The wounds on his body are defence wounds. I think you should also photograph the bruises. Every text, convo, email can be used against him in a family court.

Mayhem3 · 27/07/2023 15:08

Well done for taking photos OP.

The cleaning is irrelevant and can wait.

I would phone the non emergency police now and explain exactly what happened and if someone can come and talk to him this evening as he’s meant to be leaning but you’re worried he won’t.

This way he’ll be encouraged to leave and know you won’t be bullied.

Do you have any support near you?
It would be a good idea to get a cheap burner phone and hide it in one of your shoes or something as the worry is he may get more aggressive when he knows you’re sticking up for yourself.

You don’t need antidepressants.
You’re not depressed, you are fragile and scared in your own home and rightly so.
You need to get this abuser out of your home.

Mayhem3 · 27/07/2023 15:10

Sickofchangingmyfuckingusername · 27/07/2023 15:06

I would second A and E. Now. You need to check yourself out. Explain about how distressed you are because of his behaviour and his threats.An A and E report will form part of the evidence as will any doctors visit.

DO NOT BELIEVE A WORD HE SAYS. He can’t be trusted now, ever. It will be you against him, so you need to be strong for your little girl.

He is talking shit about you attacking him, no one attacks someone by scratching them! The wounds on his body are defence wounds. I think you should also photograph the bruises. Every text, convo, email can be used against him in a family court.

I completely agree with all of this.

I’d take DD and go to A&E now whilst he’s at work.

Not only to get yourself checked and to have evidence but there’s a very real chance he’s going to try and take your child away and you need to get in there first.

You could even stay out and ask that he be gone by the time you go back.

Zanatdy · 27/07/2023 15:15

Please get out of there. You’re in danger. Please go to A&E, take your DD with you and you can start rebuilding your life, but don’t spend another minute with this man, he could seriously injure both of you

LauraSaidIShouldBeNicer · 27/07/2023 15:16

Literally pick DD up any documents like birth certificates, passports and leave the house NOW.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/07/2023 15:17

Please get yourself to A&E and report this to the police. They’re not going to believe him. Your nail marks will be treated as defence wounds. When he is gone you will feel better. Unfortunately he may not leave and then you need police back up to help you.

tattygrl · 27/07/2023 15:18

LauraSaidIShouldBeNicer · 27/07/2023 15:16

Literally pick DD up any documents like birth certificates, passports and leave the house NOW.

This. This is the only thing that matters right now. This man could kill you.

Ladyj84 · 27/07/2023 15:19

Not sure why you haven't rang police tbh always my priority me and my kids. Only happened once in my first marriage and he got arrested,charged and I never saw him again!

Tilllly · 27/07/2023 15:25

Ezzee · 27/07/2023 14:14

OP you take yourself and your DD to A&E now and tell them exactly what happened.
They will help support and protect you both.

This

OP, at the point this monster had you pinned to the floor by your neck, your panic was for your little girl. That is the opposite of a bad mum.

Get out, get to A&E. That's all you need to do. People there will do everything else

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