dp assaulted me... detail heavy

[Lavennder]

Now exdp assaulted me. We were having a verbal disagreement, not raised voices level but it was emotionally charged. He was trying to get me to do something and I was adamantly saying no and that I wouldn't be told what to do.
That's when he grabbed me by my neck and put me to the floor. He kept his hand on my neck and I ended up laying on the floor with the side of my head being pressed into the floor. He kept saying things to me and pressing my head down over and over. He was saying "You're not so big now are you? You're not so brave now are you?" and he was pressing his forehead into the top part of mine and shouting at me, it still feels sore to touch now.
I kept trying to get him off me, he had almost his whole top half on me and I was trying to push him off. I must have hurt him at one point, I was sort of grabbing at his body, and I have long nails and that's when he hit me round the side of my head. I kept trying to see if my toddler had come into the room but the way I was pinned down I couldn't see the door. I was getting so panicky and I kept trying to get him off me but he kept putting my arms back down and leaning on top of me. At one point I grabbed his leg and dug my nails in. I kept saying get off me and stuff like that. I already get claustrophobic and I was getting really panicky. He kept shouting things at me but I wasn't registering what he was saying. He kept like shoving my head and putting his hand round my face. I kept trying to see the door and I ended up almost pleading him please where's dd name?
I don't know how long this went on for but he got off me and I ran to the bathroom and locked myself in. I was hysterical and couldn't catch my breath. I could hear my dd start crying outside but I could hear him start settling her and I couldn't bring myself to go and get her. I feel so guilty, though he wasn't being bad with her I just wanted to go and grab her but I couldn't bring myself to.
I was in the bathroom for a while and felt like I couldn't bring myself to leave when he told me I needed to get out so he could get in. So I left and went to dd who was napping after I took pictures of the marks I had. He came into the room and started saying to me that I had attacked him out of nowhere, that he was calling the police on me, that he would take my dd from me, that I was a psycho. I did start crying and got hysterical again, I was asking him how could he do this to me? Why was he doing this to me? Dd woke up and he picked her up and told me not to come near her, I wasn't safe. I went to the kitchen to get my phone and call the police but he followed me and took the phone out of my hands. I did start raising my voice here and was asking for my phone. I wasn't angry, I was distraught.
He took his phone out and started recording me, saying look at what I was doing in front of dd. I looked at her and she looked so concerned. I will never forget that look on her face, I feel so guilty, it makes me feel sick when I picture it. I left the room and went to bed and just laid there crying until I calmed down.
When I did get up I went to see dd and he said to me again that I had attacked him and he would give me my phone but if I called the police he would be showing them his scratch marks and telling them how I lost my temper and attacked him and he only restrained me. I had a clear handprint on my neck and some other marks on my neck and scalp and forehead. A few small bruises and marks on my body and arms. I just said okay and asked him if he could leave. He said he would need some time.
This was 5 days ago and he said he is leaving tonight. I have been a mess. I have not left my home, I haven't showered. I feel constantly overwhelmed and on edge. I have been doing the bare minimum, feeding dd and keeping her playing at home. I can barely get out of bed, the thought of going outside is daunting but I know I'm being an awful mum right now. I've been zoned out. I haven't been cleaning except what have to. The washing up is piling, all I have been doing is tidying and hoovering.
I called the GP yesterday and told them what happened, I didn't say it was dp, I said it was a family member and I said my dd wasn't home. I asked them to please give me something to help me mentally. They said they couldn't because I was still having breathlessness, a stiff neck and chest pains. They said I needed to go to A&E and that they would also give me something for my anxiety but my chest needed to be checked first. I couldn't bring myself to go and I couldn't tell exdp I needed to go.
My neck is a lot better now, but I have still had odd chest pains and I have had a constant headache since. Mentally though I'm not okay. I'm going to call my GP again to get an afternoon appointment today and I'm going to ask to go onto antidepressants.
I have been an awful mum the last few days, I'm racked with guilt. I feel like I'm letting her down going on to antidepressants. I feel heartbroken. I can't look at exdp, I've been avoiding him, but every time he gets into bed with me at night I feel disgusted. I keep telling myself that he is leaving tonight. I can't believe what he has done to me and I can't believe that he is blaming me. He keeps saying remarks here and there to me still about how I'm an abuser, when am I going to change my clothes. I wish I could take dd and run away. I'm hoping antidepressants will get me through this but I feel guilty for needing them. I'm just posting here I guess to have someone tell me it's going to be okay. I can't talk to anyone in person, I could but I don't want to tell anyone. I can't get over what my dd has gone through. I keep googling things to see if she has been traumatised.

I am so angry on your behalf OP. Children growing up in homes with Domestic Abuse are also victims of the abuse even if they were ‘only’ witnesses to the abuse. MN is full of threads whereby adults are still suffering from the aftermath of growing up with an abusive parent.
50:50 is absolutely not in your child’s best interest and society should be ashamed of itself for deciding abusive men get to play daddy to their already traumatised children.
I understand completely that you are between a rock and a hard place. What I am saying is coming from experience of growing up in an abusive home. You still can’t take him back OP. When she is with you she can learn to feel safe in her home, you can teach her to love and respect herself. If you stay you won’t protect her long term. Long term she will see the way her father treats you as normal and could even come to blame you for the abuse, join in or become a direct victim of it. She will then most likely end up repeating the cycle as an adult herself. Your bond with her will be harmed by the abuse If you stay.

In an ideal world a child has two loving parents and have a relationship with them both. Your child won’t have a healthy relationship with her father. She will adopt self preservation behaviours to try keep safe from him that aren’t healthy. Do not feel guilty about keeping him and his mother away as much as possible. Abuse runs in families so she can’t be trusted either.

You are doing great. This isn’t easy and I really hope he loses interest in your DC for both your sakes.

OP, my exh was only violent towards me. He denied it in court but obviously the court believed the police report over that. He was only allowed supervised contact at a contact centre. He then turned up at my house unannounced. I called the police, who removed him, and the judge took away his supervised contact.

S3 of the Domestic Abuse Act 2021 introduced the statutory requirement that children who are exposed to domestic abuse (not the direct target, but simply in the same house as it happening) are legally defined victims of that abuse.

This reflects the substantial body of evidence that shows how damaging to children it is to have exposure to DA. Preventing this is a key element of the government's Tackling Domestic Abuse Plan (2022).

The advice you were given by the so-called professional is out of date and at odds with the strategic direction the courts should be following. Unfortunately, however, this is not uncommon in family law settings. Your case will be significantly strengthened by having a police record (which can also give you financial support for legal costs) and finding a pro-women, up-to-date legal rep. Rights of Women are an ideal charity to seek help from instead of /in addition to Women's Aid and may be able to help you get a Non-Molestation Order too.

Good luck. 💐

I don’t usually post on mn,

however I see it as important to post now.

staying in abusive relationships is both traumatic for the victim and the children who witness it. With potential life long impacts on the mental health of the children who witness it.

please seek help, but keep it on the low, as some abusers up the abuse when they know you are trying to seek help or leave

@Lavennder
please read and read this post again.
your daughter is as much of a victim of domestic abuse and violence as you are

your solicitor gave you outmoded advice and needs to up their CPD time.

finding a solicitor who was a formidable expert in domestic abuse changed mine and my children’s lives. If you can find a local domestic abuse support service they will be able to help with this.

please don’t give up and think he will win. You can do this

I feel for you so much. It shouldn’t be this hard. The law should protect children more. She will likely need to develop her own relationship with her dad and you can be there to help her understand if she doesn’t understand his behaviour. You will also be her trusted person and that will be enough for her. It’s not perfect but it is enough. It is unlikely to be 50/50 but it’s hard to even take that chance, I get it. However, you can’t let him in and you can’t let him win. I truly believe the best thing to do is call the police. Thinks have moved on (although not enough sadly). When it comes down to it, it is better for her to see her dad sometimes and come home to her real home than for her mum to be dead and her dad in prison. Sorry if that is too much but it’s what I told myself. Get another legal opinion and keep strong. No pressure from us all. It is so tough. We are only writing with strong advise because we care about you xx

Sorry wrong thread.

@Lavennder solocitors alway air on side of caution telling you worst case scenario.

You Stand a higher chance of keeping your daughter most of the time if you go to the police.
He is going to fight you anyway on this you should have it all noted it will all help . He has done a job on you and you are still terrified to report him . Now him and his mother are harassing and abusing you .
Please get this all documented too.
It's all in your favour.

Nobody is going to take your child from you !

You've been so brave and strong not to go back to him, OP. Be really really proud of that. Think about those 5 days you were with him after the attack vs now. You are amazing. And I know it doesn't feel like it at the moment. I remember in those first few months after I left ExH how I sat there crying on my own, just thinking how hard it was and why I now knew why so many women go back to their abusive partners. The single parenting wasn't hard, but the bureaucracy and the systems in place fail women.

You need to do what is right for you and we'll be here for support no matter what your journey entails.

The solicitor is being realistic and reinforces what I said earlier about courts upholding status quo. So he could potentially get 50:50. Now one thing my therapist prepared me for was that abusive men move on quickly. Think about the next woman who could be your daughter's step mum, who might not be as strong as you. Imagine your daughter being raised 50% of her time seeing her step mum being battered. There's no police evidence from you, there's no police evidence from her, so things stay as they are without any investigation. Now imagine if that woman could have done a Claire's Law search first and she finds out he's got priors for DV.

Plus, at the moment, it's your word against his. He hasn't gone to the police but he has told your daughter and his mum (And probably anyone that will listen) that you are violent. I can completely see him alienating your daughter in the future with these tales and there will be no evidence otherwise. He feels no guilt about what he has done or about wrecking his life, yet you feel guilt about giving him justice. Going to the police will probably not help short term, but long term it will.

Right now you are in survival mode and that's OK, but please reconsider seeing this as an opportunity to preserve your reputation and save another woman getting pregnant by this man and the same thing happening to her.

I also think this is amazing advice, especially regarding the harassment. And I know it's horrible because these people were your family not that long ago, but they will not hesitate to break your world.

I think it's so important to still report this to the police not just for your self. What about his next relationship what if he becomes abusive then, under Claires law something like this would be disclosed and you could be saving someone's life.

https://www.flows.org.uk/

Please OP just go to the police. It will help you with your ability to protect your child.

No solicitor is going to guarantee what contact he might get because they can't. They don't make the decisions they just represent you.

But having on record that he assaulted you this badly whilst dd was there is a huge step forward in proving how dangerous and careless he is.

If you don't get this on record. You have nothing. They are gaslighting you.

You should be pushing for criminal charges to be brought.

How do you know it was assault. And not attempted murder? Because strangulation is the closest it gets to the latter.

Every time that you did the opposite of what he wanted, you were fighting not only against his abuse, but towards a better future for you and Dd. Keep going, don’t listen to him and his mum harassing you, you are definitely on the right track

I think you do. Social services advised ex would need supervised contact with DS because of his abuse to me. They said if took to court they are asked to complete an assessment (can't remember what's it's called though) and their recommendation would be supervised.
This is why a lot of the time women stay with pricks like this. 9/10 I'm willing to bet, they don't get 50/50, don't want 50/50 or get bored after a while anyway

Loads of love to you, @Lavennder . If you can, muster up your courage and call the police today. You need to get evidence on your side.

@Lavennder, there's currently a thread running where a woman who has experienced DV is talking about what's happening - she has reported to the police. Perhaps reading through it could help you get a sense of what may happen when you report, and could help you feel a sense of solidarity and that you're really not alone? I'll link the thread.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4864184-i-had-dh-arrested-yesterday?page=1

The OP does describe the incident of violence and also talks about abusive behaviours she previously experienced from this man, so of course, if you feel it could be too triggering to read right now, no pressure at all.

can completely see him alienating your daughter in the future with these tales and there will be no evidence otherwise.

I agree with this. Not going to the police plays into his narrative completely. It's very foolish not to report it given the stakes.

He has power over you by being stronger and crueler than you are. Shift that power imbalance by getting the police on your side.

Your solicitors advice is shocking. It is VITAL that you go to the police because it will protect you AND your daughter. Please try and find the courage to do this.

Hi @Lavennder
How are you doing today?
Your updates are heartening - every time you post you’ve managed to climb another bit of the mountain.

I was wondering if it would help to talk through the repercussions you’re afraid of? Has he made any specific threats?

Are you getting any RL support, from your dad or sister or friends?

Please please go to the police - this is about building a record of what he does and ensuring you get help you need, when you need it.

Forget about the 50/50 custody stuff for the minute, its not about that directly.

You need a record of events, what he did, when he did it. Any time he breaks the law, you need to report it to the police.

If you don't then if he turns up and gets violent again, you are far less likely to get a swift response if theres no file, no previous report.

Whilst reporting it may not immediately benefit you - NOT reporting it could go AGAINST you later on... ie 'well you didn't report it, can't really have happened/been that bad'.. etc or even 'you didn't report it, you can't actually have felt worried for your childs safety or you would have done so'...

Having been to family court I can assure you you have been given the wrong advice by your solicitor. The courts are well aware that abusers often use the children to further abuse the victim. They can make access orders that still put you in the driving seat re custody and prevent this. It's very important to get it documented. I cannot stress this enough.

@Lavennder you have so much concern and support on here.

Please do listen to the overwhelming advice you have received to report ex to the police! Don't wait until you're regretting it while this violent bastard has your baby 50% of the time!