Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

dp assaulted me... detail heavy

603 replies

Lavennder · 27/07/2023 13:45

Now exdp assaulted me. We were having a verbal disagreement, not raised voices level but it was emotionally charged. He was trying to get me to do something and I was adamantly saying no and that I wouldn't be told what to do.
That's when he grabbed me by my neck and put me to the floor. He kept his hand on my neck and I ended up laying on the floor with the side of my head being pressed into the floor. He kept saying things to me and pressing my head down over and over. He was saying "You're not so big now are you? You're not so brave now are you?" and he was pressing his forehead into the top part of mine and shouting at me, it still feels sore to touch now.
I kept trying to get him off me, he had almost his whole top half on me and I was trying to push him off. I must have hurt him at one point, I was sort of grabbing at his body, and I have long nails and that's when he hit me round the side of my head. I kept trying to see if my toddler had come into the room but the way I was pinned down I couldn't see the door. I was getting so panicky and I kept trying to get him off me but he kept putting my arms back down and leaning on top of me. At one point I grabbed his leg and dug my nails in. I kept saying get off me and stuff like that. I already get claustrophobic and I was getting really panicky. He kept shouting things at me but I wasn't registering what he was saying. He kept like shoving my head and putting his hand round my face. I kept trying to see the door and I ended up almost pleading him please where's dd name?
I don't know how long this went on for but he got off me and I ran to the bathroom and locked myself in. I was hysterical and couldn't catch my breath. I could hear my dd start crying outside but I could hear him start settling her and I couldn't bring myself to go and get her. I feel so guilty, though he wasn't being bad with her I just wanted to go and grab her but I couldn't bring myself to.
I was in the bathroom for a while and felt like I couldn't bring myself to leave when he told me I needed to get out so he could get in. So I left and went to dd who was napping after I took pictures of the marks I had. He came into the room and started saying to me that I had attacked him out of nowhere, that he was calling the police on me, that he would take my dd from me, that I was a psycho. I did start crying and got hysterical again, I was asking him how could he do this to me? Why was he doing this to me? Dd woke up and he picked her up and told me not to come near her, I wasn't safe. I went to the kitchen to get my phone and call the police but he followed me and took the phone out of my hands. I did start raising my voice here and was asking for my phone. I wasn't angry, I was distraught.
He took his phone out and started recording me, saying look at what I was doing in front of dd. I looked at her and she looked so concerned. I will never forget that look on her face, I feel so guilty, it makes me feel sick when I picture it. I left the room and went to bed and just laid there crying until I calmed down.
When I did get up I went to see dd and he said to me again that I had attacked him and he would give me my phone but if I called the police he would be showing them his scratch marks and telling them how I lost my temper and attacked him and he only restrained me. I had a clear handprint on my neck and some other marks on my neck and scalp and forehead. A few small bruises and marks on my body and arms. I just said okay and asked him if he could leave. He said he would need some time.
This was 5 days ago and he said he is leaving tonight. I have been a mess. I have not left my home, I haven't showered. I feel constantly overwhelmed and on edge. I have been doing the bare minimum, feeding dd and keeping her playing at home. I can barely get out of bed, the thought of going outside is daunting but I know I'm being an awful mum right now. I've been zoned out. I haven't been cleaning except what have to. The washing up is piling, all I have been doing is tidying and hoovering.
I called the GP yesterday and told them what happened, I didn't say it was dp, I said it was a family member and I said my dd wasn't home. I asked them to please give me something to help me mentally. They said they couldn't because I was still having breathlessness, a stiff neck and chest pains. They said I needed to go to A&E and that they would also give me something for my anxiety but my chest needed to be checked first. I couldn't bring myself to go and I couldn't tell exdp I needed to go.
My neck is a lot better now, but I have still had odd chest pains and I have had a constant headache since. Mentally though I'm not okay. I'm going to call my GP again to get an afternoon appointment today and I'm going to ask to go onto antidepressants.
I have been an awful mum the last few days, I'm racked with guilt. I feel like I'm letting her down going on to antidepressants. I feel heartbroken. I can't look at exdp, I've been avoiding him, but every time he gets into bed with me at night I feel disgusted. I keep telling myself that he is leaving tonight. I can't believe what he has done to me and I can't believe that he is blaming me. He keeps saying remarks here and there to me still about how I'm an abuser, when am I going to change my clothes. I wish I could take dd and run away. I'm hoping antidepressants will get me through this but I feel guilty for needing them. I'm just posting here I guess to have someone tell me it's going to be okay. I can't talk to anyone in person, I could but I don't want to tell anyone. I can't get over what my dd has gone through. I keep googling things to see if she has been traumatised.

OP posts:
Wheezycheezeball · 27/07/2023 16:05

OP
this is so very scary for you. Others have given you invaluable advice. I would make one suggesting with regard to recording these events in such a way he cannot find out or delete things off your phone.

Can you set up an email address he cant
access and will never know about? Not one requiring an app, one you can access via a web browser, anywhere. You can then delete accessing it from your web history so no one but you knows it exists. Every incident that occurs you create a draft email detailing it all (time place what happened etc) but don’t send it to anyone yet.. Store your photos in a draft email too. It’s an easy way of recording in a way he can’t find or access it- that you can access from anywhere in the world.

if you’re unable yet to get away yourself and he’s not leaving then this will document things. It’s not ideal but for those unable or not yet ready to leave it offers a means of gathering evidence in a private way.

CaramelMac · 27/07/2023 16:05

Please call the police and ask them to attend while he collects his things and change the locks.

If you can’t do that then just get out, go to a friend, a relative, a refuge, anything so that you are not sleeping in the same house as this man. Don’t let him have any power over you.

REP22 · 27/07/2023 16:06

Please, PLEASE grab the documents you need, phone and charger, and get yourself and your DD safe NOW.

DO NOT WAIT FOR HIM TO COME BACK.

You can call your landlords from elsewhere about the tenancy.

Go NOW.

He will not leave tonight. He has already hinted to you about this in his "being allowed 30 days" comment. He will hurt you again.

Again - HE WILL HURT YOU AGAIN. HE WILL NOT LEAVE TONIGHT.

Please go now, while you can. If not for yourself, then for your DD. He can say goodbye to her somewhere else. Do you really think that a man who has done and said these things to you will send you off meekly with a "bye-bye sweetie" to your DD? Please don't convince yourself of that.

GO RIGHT NOW.

I wish you well. x

buggo · 27/07/2023 16:07

If you and DD are still there when he returns he may very well try to take your DD with him and maybe by force.

It is likely to turn into an argument that could result in you and/or your DD getting hurt (even if you believe he would never hurt DD, she may get caught up in something he intends for you).

Please bare in mind that if he does take DD (which he can as the father), he may try to say that your later assault allegations are to "get back at him" for taking her with him and are all part of custody disagreements. Remember that you do have the fact you took photographs and the GP to back you up. It would be even better if you report it or at least attend A&E before whatever happens tonight happens.

He will say anything he needs to to hurt you. Do not listen to anything he says. Keep any evidence you have safe and tell them what you told us. The sooner you do this the better your evidence is. It's ok that your pictures don't look like the ones you see in the paper. His attack on you was extremely serious and could easily have resulted in your death. A&E need to check you over for your health as well as for evidence.

This man tried to strangle you and could very well kill you. Please don't worry about whether he gets to say goodbye to your DD or not. If the police are involved he does not get the option to "refuse to leave".

You are doing so well and being so brave. I'm sorry to keep commenting but I am literally begging you not to be in that house when he returns. I cannot imagine a situation where he leaves you and your DD peacefully in that house and goes.

I know that calling the police or going to A&E is frightening but this could be life or death. You have been so strong and are so evidently a good mum. Life really is going to get so much better when he is gone. We are all here with you and today you need to find the very last ounces of strength you have to make sure you are safe before he returns.

tattygrl · 27/07/2023 16:07

REP22 · 27/07/2023 16:06

Please, PLEASE grab the documents you need, phone and charger, and get yourself and your DD safe NOW.

DO NOT WAIT FOR HIM TO COME BACK.

You can call your landlords from elsewhere about the tenancy.

Go NOW.

He will not leave tonight. He has already hinted to you about this in his "being allowed 30 days" comment. He will hurt you again.

Again - HE WILL HURT YOU AGAIN. HE WILL NOT LEAVE TONIGHT.

Please go now, while you can. If not for yourself, then for your DD. He can say goodbye to her somewhere else. Do you really think that a man who has done and said these things to you will send you off meekly with a "bye-bye sweetie" to your DD? Please don't convince yourself of that.

GO RIGHT NOW.

I wish you well. x

This, this, this. The time is NOW op!

We are all behind you.

tattygrl · 27/07/2023 16:09

I won't comment again for a while because I don't want to spam, but the words of a PP resonated with me -

OP I too am begging you not to be there when he gets back. Literally begging.

Mama678 · 27/07/2023 16:10

Did you speak with WA op? Whats your plan of action?

LauraSaidIShouldBeNicer · 27/07/2023 16:14

I know I have already replied on this thread but I honestly don't know how urgently say this just go take your DD and go, stuff doesn't matter!! Do not be home when he comes home, don't worry about sorting his shit just pack a bag and go to a woman's refuge via police station.

We had a member of our family murdered by a domestic violence abuser! Just please please go!

Rosequartz7 · 27/07/2023 16:15

Don't keep his secret for him. That's what he's relying on. You can make this a lot safer for DD and yourself by telling people what has really happened. GP, police, friends, family. Abuse thrives on shame, isolation, and secrecy- it's not your shame its his! Take your power back, OP.
Start a safer future for yourself and DD today. Tell your friend asap. Get that support around you.

technotstarnotechstar · 27/07/2023 16:17

So so hard to leave. It's easy to say it but when you are in that situation your mind goes into denial and protection. Everyone posting is right though, you need to leave this afternoon. You CAN do it. Don't overthink it. Pack your phone and charger and a wallet, pick up the little one and walk out the door. Get a bus to the hospital.
Don't worry about packing, you don't need anything else, nappies etc will be provided. People will help you.
Is there anyone you can text to tell them what's going on? A friend or family member. That's the hardest step. Don't feel embarrassed..imagine you received a text from your friend saying I'm at the hospital, husband attacked me. I can't go back.
You can do this. You have all.the women on mumsnet silently standing with you. Now grab your babe and walk out that door.

Smineusername · 27/07/2023 16:18

That fucker knows exactly what he's doing. He is very, very dangerous.

First thing you must do is contact Women's Aid. I would not take the antidepressants - they are very hard to stop taking, he could use it as proof of your mental instability, and regardless we both know you are not depressed you are being abused.

You will have to report this cunt to the police but make sure you talk to Women's Aid first and are smart about it. Many people on here are extremely naive about the police but I know from bitter experience just how fucking useless they can be. Do NOT under any circumstances admit putting your hands on him or starting any physical altercation - they will charge YOU with assault. Write down everything you have written here and date ot, along with any other abusive behaviour from him, no matter how 'minor'.

He is a cunt and you do not deserve this. I'm sorry you're going through it. Tell everyone what he has done and what he is like. Good luck x

ImNotReallySpartacus · 27/07/2023 16:18

Your partner is bluffing. But it would be a good idea to get your story in first and get your injuries documented if he has deleted the photographs you took after the assault. Ring the police now. They will arrest him and he will probably be put on bail, with conditions not to go near your home. And if he is not on the tenancy, he is a guest in your home and you don't need to give him any notice at all to leave.

loulouljh · 27/07/2023 16:22

Please leave.

If you cannot then get someone (male) there with you. Please.

EmmaOvary · 27/07/2023 16:23

OP, please go now. What if he does that again and doesn’t let go this time? Or hurts your DD? He is a violent abuser, and they are volatile and unpredictable. You owe him nothing. Please walk out the door with your little one and stay safe.

Hereforsummer · 27/07/2023 16:24

Please please contact the police. He should be arrested and released with bail conditions to stop him coming back to your house. I don't believe for one moment he will quietly leave tonight otherwise. I don't think you need to worry about him saying you attacked him, because his injuries are consistent with the very clear account you have given in your OP. How is he going to say you attacked him, some sort of weird rugby tackle with your nails out? You could even print out a copy of your OP to take with you as it describes exactly what happened.

takealettermsjones · 27/07/2023 16:25

I'm with everyone else OP. This very thing happened to a family member of mine. He won't leave. If he leaves without DD he's lost his leverage. He will either stay or take your DD. You cannot let that happen.

Please, take a deep breath, get your passports, bank info, tenancy agreement etc and go. Can you go to your parents, a sibling, a friend? Then ring the police once you're there.

Wishing you all the strength in the world OP. Please keep us posted.

Cherrysoup · 27/07/2023 16:27

Please leave before he gets home. Change the locks asap. He has no right to notice. Go to the police, I think the doctor will have to notify them anyway due to your dd.

BarrelOfOtters · 27/07/2023 16:29

Have someone with you for when he comes back - or have someone else let him in.

SirVixofVixHall · 27/07/2023 16:29

LadyoftheLavaLamp · 27/07/2023 13:57

Take DD, a bag and go to the police station

This. Get your neck and bruises photographed, go into your GP, and have your neck looked at. The headache might be the stress but could also because your neck has been injured.
He is extremely dangerous and you need to be somewhere safe with your dd. None of this is your fault OP.

Mayhem3 · 27/07/2023 16:30

Although I agree with posters telling OP to leave, not everyone has somewhere else to go.

I would try and stay out tonight perhaps at a cheap hotel whilst he gets his stuff and then get a friend to come back with you tomorrow and change the locks.
Take all of the birth certificates and passports etc.

I would say stay in the home but change the locks today but I don’t think there’s time.

I know it sounds harsh but I wouldn’t even let him say bye to his DC.
I feel he’ll use this to manipulate you both or there’s a chance he’ll harm you or refuse to leave.

SirVixofVixHall · 27/07/2023 16:31

Canthave2manycats · 27/07/2023 15:43

@Lavennder please, please, do not be there when this utter bastard gets back. He has no intention of leaving and I dread to think what could happen. He could have killed you five days ago and he's now thinking he's got away with it and he can behave with impunity. Do not let him, for your sake and for your daughter's sake.

Do you have family or friends who could be there with you? Just go straight to A&E, and take it from there. They will help you.

I'd really urge you to contact the police too, because they can get this ugly abuser out of your home, and there will be a record of all of it should he start to stalk you or anything like that.

Please keep yourself safe x

This. Do not be alone in your home with this man or you might not get out again. He could have killed you.

ClawedButler · 27/07/2023 16:32

Leave now (this minute) and go to either the police station or a healthcare facility.

pinkoverall · 27/07/2023 16:35

OP, DM me if you'd like me to call the police on your behalf, if that makes things easier for you

uncomfortablydumb53 · 27/07/2023 16:36

You're so brave and clear headed despite a horrific experience.
Well done for calling GP and don't be afraid to tell them the absolute truth
I'm a bit concerned that you plan to stay and let him see DD
I'm worried that this will set him off and me might hurt you again
Please leave now to a place you feel safe.. even if it's just the GP surgery
Him seeing DD isn't important. Your safety is paramount so don't wait
Grab the essential and GO now
Leave his stuff outside
Everything else can wait
I expect he has a key. Police can liaise with HA to get the locks changed.
Sending you love and strength
You WILL be ok, just leave now

NewStartNow · 27/07/2023 16:36

Please go now. To the police.
No one wants to hear about this in the news tomorrow and I feel given the prolonged nature of his attack on you and his behaviour now you need to get yourself and DD away from him.
The police will not take his allegations that you assaulted him seriously. I'm guessing you're not big and scary enough to put him in fear.