dp assaulted me... detail heavy

[Lavennder]

Now exdp assaulted me. We were having a verbal disagreement, not raised voices level but it was emotionally charged. He was trying to get me to do something and I was adamantly saying no and that I wouldn't be told what to do.
That's when he grabbed me by my neck and put me to the floor. He kept his hand on my neck and I ended up laying on the floor with the side of my head being pressed into the floor. He kept saying things to me and pressing my head down over and over. He was saying "You're not so big now are you? You're not so brave now are you?" and he was pressing his forehead into the top part of mine and shouting at me, it still feels sore to touch now.
I kept trying to get him off me, he had almost his whole top half on me and I was trying to push him off. I must have hurt him at one point, I was sort of grabbing at his body, and I have long nails and that's when he hit me round the side of my head. I kept trying to see if my toddler had come into the room but the way I was pinned down I couldn't see the door. I was getting so panicky and I kept trying to get him off me but he kept putting my arms back down and leaning on top of me. At one point I grabbed his leg and dug my nails in. I kept saying get off me and stuff like that. I already get claustrophobic and I was getting really panicky. He kept shouting things at me but I wasn't registering what he was saying. He kept like shoving my head and putting his hand round my face. I kept trying to see the door and I ended up almost pleading him please where's dd name?
I don't know how long this went on for but he got off me and I ran to the bathroom and locked myself in. I was hysterical and couldn't catch my breath. I could hear my dd start crying outside but I could hear him start settling her and I couldn't bring myself to go and get her. I feel so guilty, though he wasn't being bad with her I just wanted to go and grab her but I couldn't bring myself to.
I was in the bathroom for a while and felt like I couldn't bring myself to leave when he told me I needed to get out so he could get in. So I left and went to dd who was napping after I took pictures of the marks I had. He came into the room and started saying to me that I had attacked him out of nowhere, that he was calling the police on me, that he would take my dd from me, that I was a psycho. I did start crying and got hysterical again, I was asking him how could he do this to me? Why was he doing this to me? Dd woke up and he picked her up and told me not to come near her, I wasn't safe. I went to the kitchen to get my phone and call the police but he followed me and took the phone out of my hands. I did start raising my voice here and was asking for my phone. I wasn't angry, I was distraught.
He took his phone out and started recording me, saying look at what I was doing in front of dd. I looked at her and she looked so concerned. I will never forget that look on her face, I feel so guilty, it makes me feel sick when I picture it. I left the room and went to bed and just laid there crying until I calmed down.
When I did get up I went to see dd and he said to me again that I had attacked him and he would give me my phone but if I called the police he would be showing them his scratch marks and telling them how I lost my temper and attacked him and he only restrained me. I had a clear handprint on my neck and some other marks on my neck and scalp and forehead. A few small bruises and marks on my body and arms. I just said okay and asked him if he could leave. He said he would need some time.
This was 5 days ago and he said he is leaving tonight. I have been a mess. I have not left my home, I haven't showered. I feel constantly overwhelmed and on edge. I have been doing the bare minimum, feeding dd and keeping her playing at home. I can barely get out of bed, the thought of going outside is daunting but I know I'm being an awful mum right now. I've been zoned out. I haven't been cleaning except what have to. The washing up is piling, all I have been doing is tidying and hoovering.
I called the GP yesterday and told them what happened, I didn't say it was dp, I said it was a family member and I said my dd wasn't home. I asked them to please give me something to help me mentally. They said they couldn't because I was still having breathlessness, a stiff neck and chest pains. They said I needed to go to A&E and that they would also give me something for my anxiety but my chest needed to be checked first. I couldn't bring myself to go and I couldn't tell exdp I needed to go.
My neck is a lot better now, but I have still had odd chest pains and I have had a constant headache since. Mentally though I'm not okay. I'm going to call my GP again to get an afternoon appointment today and I'm going to ask to go onto antidepressants.
I have been an awful mum the last few days, I'm racked with guilt. I feel like I'm letting her down going on to antidepressants. I feel heartbroken. I can't look at exdp, I've been avoiding him, but every time he gets into bed with me at night I feel disgusted. I keep telling myself that he is leaving tonight. I can't believe what he has done to me and I can't believe that he is blaming me. He keeps saying remarks here and there to me still about how I'm an abuser, when am I going to change my clothes. I wish I could take dd and run away. I'm hoping antidepressants will get me through this but I feel guilty for needing them. I'm just posting here I guess to have someone tell me it's going to be okay. I can't talk to anyone in person, I could but I don't want to tell anyone. I can't get over what my dd has gone through. I keep googling things to see if she has been traumatised.

I'm waiting on my laptop at the moment. Their live chat is busy and wait time is 25 minutes, but I'm refreshing. I'm going to ask my dr to see me instead of me going to A&E. If they won't I'm going to head to A&E. My focus right now is to get him out of my home, so I'm going to text him and ask him if he's definitely leaving tonight, if he says no then I'm going to a hotel tonight and I will call 101 to see if I can get him removed. He says he is entitled to 30 days but I will see what they will say. I'm considering calling the health visitor but I feel very anxious. He has a lot more money than me, he probably has access to around 250,000, and I have at best just under 2,000, I'm scared to go to child arrangements court. It is my anxiety around what he could do holding me back from wanting to do anything. I'm hoping when I get the antidepressants prescription it takes away some of my anxiety and I will feel more brave. I spoke to the gp and she gave me some helpful advice

Don’t pack his things- even him ordering you to do that is his way of controlling and manipulating you.

Instead, pack yours and DDs things, tell your mum, a best friend, anyone, and go straight to the police and tell them everything. Explain how he will try to gaslight you.
They should then be able to put a restraining order in place and supervise him removing his things from your home.
is the lease just in your name? In which case he has no right to stay there, change the locks and get him removed.
please please tell people asap.
good luck.

This man strangled you, and has also threatened to go to the police with lies about you with the intention of taking your daughter away from you. There is nothing to be gained from asking questions of him. He strangles you but you think he'll for some reason tell you the truth when you ask if he's going to definitely leave tonight? He will do and say what he needs to do to control you and look out for himself.

OP please I really am imploring you to get out of the house. Have you got a family member or friend you can stay with? Please, OP. Men like this really do kill.

Also it is very dangerous to be in communication with this man about your plans to leave. Leaving an abusive man is the most dangerous time period, statistically. You and your daughter need to get away, immediately, not later. Immediately.

Hi

I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's not your fault.

This is almost identical to what happened to me in January. It might not feel like it now, but you will get through this. One day soon, the scales will fall from your eyes, and you will see the gaslighting, coercion and manipulation in all its pathetic glory. But to get to that point, you need to get safely out of this situation as soon as possible. You are not safe right now, and he absolutely will not leave of his own volition. If he had any intention of doing that, he would have left already.

You have to treat this situation as if your house is on fire, or as if you are in a war zone and a bomb could fall on your house at any moment - get out as soon as you can, anything like tenancies, notice period etc can be sorted later. Contact Women's Aid as soon as you can - I mean literally as soon as you can. They'll help you formulate a safety plan to get you out. Do you have any neighbours that you trust? I stowed my children's documents (passports etc), a change of clothes, and some cash at my neighbours house. We had to run in the middle of the night, and it helped immeasurably not just practically, but also to know that there was someone who was aware of what was happening. There also an app that I had called Holly Guard, that sent a message to my emergency contacts if I shook my phone. If you can't keep your phone in your hand, try and make sure it's in your pocket all the time.
Once you're out and safe, try and instruct a solicitor ASAP, and they can get an interdict against harassment and abuse in place. Mine got the Power of Arrest attached, which means that if he comes anywhere near me, he'll be arrested immediately. I'm in Scotland, so it might be slightly different elsewhere in the UK, but it should be similar.

The one thing I would stress is that it's very hard to understand the level of danger you are in right now. I constantly thought I was overreacting, that I was making a fuss, until I needed to run with my children. You won't necessarily understand the level of threat you're in until long after you're safe - your body and mind have gone into survival mode, they don’t have the ability to process that just now, so you need to act as if you and your child's lives are in danger.

The physical symptoms (shortness of breath, hesrt palpitations) are signs of trauma. You need to put them to one side, and focus all your energy on getting out of that house. They won't even start to get better until you are safe.

I'm really sorry to frighten you, but you are in immediate danger, and you need to get out as soon as you can.

Wishing you all the luck in the world - you are brave, you are strong and you can do this.

Please call women's aid xxx

Men who strangle are the most likely to kill their partners, please talk to women's aid about making a plan to escape safely sadly this is so common

Op, please listen to the posters urging you to leave now and go to the police. You are not safe. You need to focus on you and your dd. He is manipulating you.

Can you go stay with a relative for tonight? What type of door do you have? Depending on the door type, I know how to change locks, it's not hard, I'm more than happy to talk you through it if you can get yourself a door barrel (you'll be able to pick them up at any local door fabricator) which will be far cheaper than getting someone out.

can't believe what he has done to me and I can't believe that he is blaming me.

He is pretending it is your fault because he's scared that you'll go to the police.

He isn't going to leave without a fight. Has he actually done anything about getting somewhere else to live?
You need the police report and evidence for further down the line. You need their protection.
If he can't control you he may well kill you and he's already said DD isn't going anywhere without him. What do you think he'll do with her?
I know it seems melodramatic but we speak from experience and want to save you from having the same. Go now. If I could come and pick you up I would!!

Sorry, I meant to add - he will not and cannot take your child. I undrmerstand how frightening this tactic is, but it is just that - a tactic to control you. In reality he'll be lucky to get supervised contact. It took me until I was in front of a sheriff with the my solicitor showing photos of my bruises for me to really understand this, so I really get how powerful this threat is, but you will get to a point where you will realise how ludicrous and delusional it is.

It’s your tenancy, @Lavennder ? Put his bags out the front, lock the doors and call the police and ask them for the protection you need. Remember, 999 later if that waste of space kicks off when he sees he can’t access YOUR home. Glad you’re accessing women’s aid.

Honestly, I'd ask for police help at 7pm, stuff or if he's arrested, no one should put hands on anyone.
Get the police /medical staff to record injuries, I'm sure your scratch's on him would indicate you b
Weren't in control of that situation.
He's volatile and dangerous!

OP, listen to what a PP said, and treat this as if your house is on fire or as if a missile might drop on the roof at any second. It really is that dangerous. People are speaking from experience. Please, please get out.

OP, please report this to the police. And tell friends and family, if you can bear to, what happened, so you can get some support. Please also know that you are not a terrible mum. You were attacked and subjected to a violent and prolonged ordeal in your own home by someone you trusted. None of this is down to you.

Please don’t be there when he gets home. If he actually leaves, then maybe you could go back, but I would have a locksmith there changing the locks. The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when they are losing control.

really, you need to be gone when he gets home. He is going to be in a bad mood if he knows you are expecting him to leave.

This must be awful for you. You are a good mom. Don't worry about that. You are not safe. Neither is your daughter. If he doesn't leave tonight you really do need to leave. Hugs to you.

I appreciate that you're feeling scared to do anything because of what he has said will come next.

But the real risk to you and dd is if you don't do something.

Two women a week are killed by their partner/ex every week in the UK.

Strangulation is a huge risk indicator. You need to call the police now - you could be dead by 7.02pm. I know it sounds dramatic, but it was a fact for two women last week, and every week before.

Call the police and make sure they know he did all this with dd in the house.

Be brave op, you and dd need you to be.

You can absolutely do this.

But ultimately, get yourself out now. Please don't text him, it can get him angrier or he can lie. I know we seem like we don't understand your situation or you are thinking "he's a good dad really" or the memories of him being a lovely partner up until this one event, and so I know it probably seems we are being overdramatic. Please just trust the people who have the scars from these same life experiences.

This is horrifying OP, you must report this, we are all scared for you and want to help you🙏

Right now it probably feels incredibly overwhelming to even step outside the front door. But if you can do that - just pick up your dc, open the door, and step outside - the rest will kick in.

It’s literally ONE STEP that you need to take.

You don’t need a plan, - just walk outside your house and then keep going.

Do it now, for your baby.

@Lavennder the headache worries me and you might have sustained a head injury.

I think you need to get to A&E with your child

Whether you go to A&E or your GP, you need to get out of there!

Please please listen to the advice everyone is giving you. Before even worrying about finance, or court cases... just keep yourself and your daughter safe from harm. The first thing you need to do is leave that house Before he return. Then phone the police and tell them everything. You can do this! X