Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Keeping the baby?

169 replies

Toomuchwine89 · 27/07/2023 09:25

Please, no judgement. My head is all over the place.

I'm pregnant from basically a one night stand, very early days. The dad is a lot younger than me, skint and is adamant he doesn't want the baby. I've actually ended up blocking him now as he got quite nasty.

I was also adamant I didn't want the baby and I'm booked in to take the abortion pills at home. I already have several children, I'm going through a divorce and family court with an abusive man, I'm hoping to move a couple of hours away (waiting for court to approve). I get very sick when I'm pregnant. I'd only just started to get my life back together (can leave teens with younger ones while I nip out, started the gym, due to start a degree in September, seeing friends more etc etc).

I know it's probably hormones... but it's 1 week today since I found out and as each day passes I'm leaning more towards keeping the baby. My ex husband had the snip and I was really upset at the time thinking that I'd never have another baby. And now, there's one growing inside me? But then what if the dad finds out and drags me through court and things? I can't do all that again.

Help :(

OP posts:
continentallentil · 27/07/2023 09:31

Sorry you are having such a shit time OP, and I really hope it gets better soon.

Your first duty is to yourself and the children you actually have.

Given all you are going through, do you really have the time, energy and money to take care of yourself so you can be a good parent to them, and look after a new baby?

I suspect the answer is no. If it is then please don’t give yourself a hard time about terminating your pregnancy as it will be the best thing for all of you. Lots of people find it hard to say goodbye to more babies - but that doesn’t mean you should have another one. You may always want just one more - but you cannot have more than you can handle. It’s just not fair on your kids. Sort yourself out with birth control going forward.

continentallentil · 27/07/2023 09:33

Also - going to university and improving your finances is going to be a great example to your kids of how to rebuild life after a rough time. So don’t jeopardise that either.

Fiddlerdragon · 27/07/2023 09:36

I think keeping this baby would be a massive mistake op. It sounds like you’ve been through hell, but so have your children. They’re just getting their lives together and their mum back after sickness, abusive relationships and a divorce. And they’re still FAR from settled with ongoing court cases and a house move on the horizon. And now you want to start back to square one with a whole heap of new problems on top of all of the old ones. Put them first and don’t do this to them, they don’t deserve it.

YoSof · 27/07/2023 09:38

Fiddlerdragon · 27/07/2023 09:36

I think keeping this baby would be a massive mistake op. It sounds like you’ve been through hell, but so have your children. They’re just getting their lives together and their mum back after sickness, abusive relationships and a divorce. And they’re still FAR from settled with ongoing court cases and a house move on the horizon. And now you want to start back to square one with a whole heap of new problems on top of all of the old ones. Put them first and don’t do this to them, they don’t deserve it.

I agree with this.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 27/07/2023 09:40

It's another 18 years of being tied to another man and available childcare.

Do you want two more decades of having to get permission to move? I don't think I would.

GreyCarpet · 27/07/2023 09:42

This keeps to be a head decision, not a heart one.

I'd only just started to get my life back together (can leave teens with younger ones while I nip out, started the gym, due to start a degree in September, seeing friends more etc etc).

An unplanned pregnancy, with a one night stand you've already had to block is going to jeopardise/end all of that.

Any baby is not going to have a relationship with their father; you already have several children so it's not meeting a thus far unmet need in you; you have existing children to prioritise.

Project 5 years into the future when your children are older, you have a degree, your career is starting to flourish, you have friends, your life is sorted and your children are reading the rewards of that. Now project into a future where none of that has happened. Which is the future you want for yourself and your existing children?

You wouldn't have chosen to have a baby with this man would you? He/another child is not going to enhance your life.

You've already made your head decision.

For context, I had a termination at 20 for similar reasons. I'm regretful it was necessary (not in a way that's ever impacted on me) but never once regretted the decision itself.

LemonTT · 27/07/2023 09:43

At this stage you are ending a pregnancy. If you decide you want and can support a baby now then continue with the pregnancy.

Alternatively if you want another child you can end this pregnancy and then put in place better foundations to raise a child with a supportive and engaged father.

You don’t know the man you slept with. You don’t know how he will interact with what would be his child in the future. Do your children need another potentially abusive waster kicking around in their lives.

GreyCarpet · 27/07/2023 09:44

Fiddlerdragon · 27/07/2023 09:36

I think keeping this baby would be a massive mistake op. It sounds like you’ve been through hell, but so have your children. They’re just getting their lives together and their mum back after sickness, abusive relationships and a divorce. And they’re still FAR from settled with ongoing court cases and a house move on the horizon. And now you want to start back to square one with a whole heap of new problems on top of all of the old ones. Put them first and don’t do this to them, they don’t deserve it.

Wise words indeed.

Original poster
Toomuchwine89 · 27/07/2023 09:50

Yeah I agree with all of this. I know all of this. Stupid hormones.

I wouldn't be telling the dad, but who knows. I'd probably break and end up telling him. Or the kid would one day ask why they don't have a dad.

Maybe I should keep the abortion pills to one side in case I decide to use them.

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 27/07/2023 09:56

Toomuchwine89 · 27/07/2023 09:50

Yeah I agree with all of this. I know all of this. Stupid hormones.

I wouldn't be telling the dad, but who knows. I'd probably break and end up telling him. Or the kid would one day ask why they don't have a dad.

Maybe I should keep the abortion pills to one side in case I decide to use them.

If you're in receipt of benefits, the CMS would contact him.

It's also a physically easier process if completed as early as possible.

You do not have to give yourself another twenty years of more of the same. Even if it sounds 'safer' because it's all you've known as an adult.

GreyCarpet · 27/07/2023 09:58

Maybe I should keep the abortion pills to one side in case I decide to use them.

Well, it's your choice and your decision. Your life and your existing children.

But I know what decision I'd been making.

You're potentially throwing away your and your children's future happiness, peace and security over something you didn't want, didn't plan and didn't ask for.

In my eyes, that would be utter madness.

Original poster
Toomuchwine89 · 27/07/2023 09:59

The CMS would contact him? I've never heard of that. How the hell would they know his contact details??

OP posts:
Original poster
Toomuchwine89 · 27/07/2023 10:00

GreyCarpet · 27/07/2023 09:58

Maybe I should keep the abortion pills to one side in case I decide to use them.

Well, it's your choice and your decision. Your life and your existing children.

But I know what decision I'd been making.

You're potentially throwing away your and your children's future happiness, peace and security over something you didn't want, didn't plan and didn't ask for.

In my eyes, that would be utter madness.

I said all of this too.

Until I was in the situation. And now head and heart are competing.

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 27/07/2023 10:00

NeverDropYourMooncup · 27/07/2023 09:56

If you're in receipt of benefits, the CMS would contact him.

It's also a physically easier process if completed as early as possible.

You do not have to give yourself another twenty years of more of the same. Even if it sounds 'safer' because it's all you've known as an adult.

Show quote history

Yes.

It's time to take responsibility.

The right decisions aren't necessarily the easy ones.

GreyCarpet · 27/07/2023 10:07

Toomuchwine89 · 27/07/2023 10:00

I said all of this too.

Until I was in the situation. And now head and heart are competing.

Show quote history

Well I did find myself in that situation and I still made the decision.

You're an adult? Be a grown up.

I wouldn't often advocate so strongly for someone terminating a pregnancy if there were doubts but you arent even expressing doubts as such.

If you were single, 38 and currently childless and asking, or you had an only child and no other family, I might be saying something very different. But you are not and you already have children who will have been told you are going to university to make their futures better; they are finally getting their mother back; they are finally escaping the shadows of the past and here you are contemplating throwing all of that away for what? You need to you make the right decision for them. Do you feel anything for the impact of this on them at all? Or is it all justified by 'but my hormones..!"?

mysavinggrace123 · 27/07/2023 10:07

I could have told you 90% of the comments on this thread without even reading them....

It was always going to be a load of women telling you to get an abortion.

Obviously if that's what you absolutely want, go for it. But it doesn't exactly seem like you do.

This is what blows my mind about MN, Are you seriously going to let a bunch of strangers behind a computer screen who don't know you, your history,
Your finances, your family, your morals & values, tell you to abort your baby????

Are you this easily swayed OP?

Go with your heart.

startingover202 · 27/07/2023 10:09

How many children is several?
How old are they?

Your lives sound chaotic.

Don't bring another baby and more drama to your children's lives.

You say you're starting to get your life back on track. Concentrate on that.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 27/07/2023 10:09

Toomuchwine89 · 27/07/2023 09:59

The CMS would contact him? I've never heard of that. How the hell would they know his contact details??

Condition of making a claim for benefits.

Uremindmeofthebabe · 27/07/2023 10:12

If there's any doubt in your mind that you want the baby, don't do anything rash! You've got a while to sit and think.

mamagiorgio · 27/07/2023 10:12

If you have any doubt in your mind that ending this pregnancy would be the wrong decision, please speak to your GP or somebody you trust. Without disclosing too many details, my long-term partner left me when we found out I was pregnant although we were actively trying. I didn’t think I was strong enough to handle raising a child alone. I booked a termination but later cancelled.

I now have a happy, healthy little boy who almost 6 months old who is adored by my family. Take care of yourself. As above, should you decide to continue, CMS can handle finances. You are the only person who gets to decide what you do with your body and your family. Not him, and not a stranger who is scrolling mumsnet.

GreyCarpet · 27/07/2023 10:14

mysavinggrace123 · 27/07/2023 10:07

I could have told you 90% of the comments on this thread without even reading them....

It was always going to be a load of women telling you to get an abortion.

Obviously if that's what you absolutely want, go for it. But it doesn't exactly seem like you do.

This is what blows my mind about MN, Are you seriously going to let a bunch of strangers behind a computer screen who don't know you, your history,
Your finances, your family, your morals & values, tell you to abort your baby????

Are you this easily swayed OP?

Go with your heart.

But logically, she has made the decision and she's stated her reasons for it. All of which are sound decisions for herself and her existing children. She has no reason for continuing beyond 'hormones'. She says all that herself.

It would be madness to throw all of that away, bring a load more chaos, uncertainty, financial instability and a man she's already had to block into her and her children's lives for the sake of 'a baby'.

She's an adult with responsibilities. It's not all about 'go with your heart' 🙄

TicTac80 · 27/07/2023 10:18

Crap, this sounds bloody difficult!

On the basis of all the other things you've said, if I were in your situation, I would terminate.

Why? Like you, I'm divorced, (and a single parent of two kids). In my case, my youngest is about to go into Yr 6 at primary school - so I'm now done with all the juggling of the early years (and I have the teenage years to look forward to!). My career has taken off since XH left and kids got older (NB I have worked FT since DC were tiny, but career progression was on back burner whilst DC were young and I was still married due to XH's fuckwittery). Things are now on an even keel for me and my DC. The thought of having to deal with another nasty ex isn't appealing. The thought of having a baby in an unstable situation isn't appealing (and I'd always hoped for more than 2DC until the reality of my then situation put paid to that). The thought of having to have contact with a nasty, flakey bloke for the next 18 odd years of a child's life is not appealing.

If I were you, I'd let my head rule my heart. Good luck x

MMmomDD · 27/07/2023 10:18

I think you need to look at your life and the children you do have and think of what is the right thing to do. And think about what your responsibilities are - to the children you already have.
Presumably you are doing your degree for yourself and to be able to better support them.
Is it really fair on them to give this all up and - make all of your lives that much worse and harder.

The kids that you have - need you. They need you to be there for them. And they must have been through a lot already.
Having a new baby - as much as hormones make you want it - is so extremely selfish in your situation.

Your elder kids would have to take on more of parenting of your (now)middle children. The middle children will have no time with you.

So - I think you need to put your hormones aside and think about your family.

GreyCarpet · 27/07/2023 10:19

mamagiorgio · 27/07/2023 10:12

If you have any doubt in your mind that ending this pregnancy would be the wrong decision, please speak to your GP or somebody you trust. Without disclosing too many details, my long-term partner left me when we found out I was pregnant although we were actively trying. I didn’t think I was strong enough to handle raising a child alone. I booked a termination but later cancelled.

I now have a happy, healthy little boy who almost 6 months old who is adored by my family. Take care of yourself. As above, should you decide to continue, CMS can handle finances. You are the only person who gets to decide what you do with your body and your family. Not him, and not a stranger who is scrolling mumsnet.

That is a really lovely 😊 but totally different circumstances to the OP's.

I totally agree that the OP needs to make her own decision on this and not be led by anyone. I suppose I feel it more strongly because I'm further along the other side of 'the degree and getting your life sorted story'. I can see how much it has benefitted myself and my children and I can see how different life would have been if I'd thrown it all away for hormones (because she's already made the decision for valid reasons).

Original poster
Toomuchwine89 · 27/07/2023 10:21

NeverDropYourMooncup · 27/07/2023 10:09

Condition of making a claim for benefits.

Show quote history

Bullshit. How dangerous would that be for so many women?

OP posts: