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Original poster

Keeping the baby?

169 replies

Toomuchwine89 · 27/07/2023 09:25

Please, no judgement. My head is all over the place.

I'm pregnant from basically a one night stand, very early days. The dad is a lot younger than me, skint and is adamant he doesn't want the baby. I've actually ended up blocking him now as he got quite nasty.

I was also adamant I didn't want the baby and I'm booked in to take the abortion pills at home. I already have several children, I'm going through a divorce and family court with an abusive man, I'm hoping to move a couple of hours away (waiting for court to approve). I get very sick when I'm pregnant. I'd only just started to get my life back together (can leave teens with younger ones while I nip out, started the gym, due to start a degree in September, seeing friends more etc etc).

I know it's probably hormones... but it's 1 week today since I found out and as each day passes I'm leaning more towards keeping the baby. My ex husband had the snip and I was really upset at the time thinking that I'd never have another baby. And now, there's one growing inside me? But then what if the dad finds out and drags me through court and things? I can't do all that again.

Help :(

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 27/07/2023 15:30

I haven't read your previous threads, OP.

But, in light of what's been shared, I really feel that you need to find a place of safety and security (emotionally, financially and physically) for yourself and your existing children. Even more so.

None of the people posting are saying 'think of your existing children' or 'this needs to he a head decision' to be cruel, harsh or unkind. Obviously, i can't speak for others but i assume it's because we're mothers ourselves and are providing the same reflections, advice and sharing experiences we'd give to our own daughters and friends in a similar position. We might not be your mother, OP, and we might only be 'Internet randoms' but people are posting because they care.

It makes me quite cross now that a few people were blindly saying, "Go with your heart," tbh. It was obvious from the little detail the OP gave that she is not in a great place currently and that, for some people, it isn't as simple as "it'll all work out in the end."

Given what you (and your children) have already suffered and survived, isn't it time you all had a bit of peace, hope and happiness? That doesn't have to come from a new baby. It can come from the peace of mind that you are now in control of your own destiny and that you are changing your children's lives for the better.

startingover202 · 27/07/2023 15:35

Are you saying if you don't have this child now then it will be too late after you finish your degree?

Why do you need another child?

6 is surely enough especially considering your youngest is only 2.

How would you have the funds and time for a degree with 7 children?

Just think about the reality of your situation.

I think you will go ahead with the pregnancy as it's all you know.

GreyCarpet · 27/07/2023 15:37

I've just read your last post.

If you feel at risk in any way then another baby added to the mix is really not what you need.

You say you'd be gutted if you couldn't have another. You already have 6.

A law degree will be out of the window if you have a baby.

Becoming a solicitor would add so much to your and your children's lives. In your shoes, personally, I'd be terrified of having another baby and the impact of that on our lives.

I would really be asking myself why I was prepared to give all of that up for a 7th baby. You have a three year old who is little more than a baby herself. What is it that drives you to have more?

GreyCarpet · 27/07/2023 15:38

I think you will go ahead with the pregnancy as it's all you know.

Sadly, I do too.

PrimalLass · 27/07/2023 15:43

Honestly, this is a head decision. You are starting to rebuild your life. Plus it will be really embarrassing for your teens.

If the father finds out you could end up with split custody, the child going off to strangers for the weekend and holidays etc.

MMmomDD · 27/07/2023 15:45

@Toomuchwine89

You already have 6 children you barely can support. You live in a refuge. Or maybe in state provided housing. You already have benefits that are limited by the benefit cap.

How is having child #7 is a good idea?

You can’t be this irresponsible and have ‘one more’ and on your own - just because you feel like it.

I feel really sorry for all your kids. What chance do they have in life - do you have time to spend time with each of them? Listen to their stories and problems? Take them to the park? To play dates? Read them books? Spoil them with little something?
Kids aren’t a collectible item. The more is NOT the merrier.

Natty13 · 27/07/2023 15:46

Poor kids.

You'll do what's best for you, I'm sure.

startingover202 · 27/07/2023 15:48

Tbh I can't get my around your 14 year old babysitting 5 younger siblings. Youngest being 2.

PrimalLass · 27/07/2023 15:53

You can still have another baby during your degree if you are in a more stable situation.

GreyCarpet · 27/07/2023 15:57

PrimalLass · 27/07/2023 15:53

You can still have another baby during your degree if you are in a more stable situation.

Doing a degree with 7 children would be incredibly difficult. A law degree? I'd say nigh on impossible from what I know from people who have law degrees!

Brumbies · 27/07/2023 16:05

If you were my daughter, I had sons and always wanted a daughter, I would advise you to really think hard and hope you'd decide not to go ahead with this baby. I think it would complicate your life even more than it appears to be now. Not forgetting
it ties you to this man forever - despite his not wanting anything to do with the baby.

northerncrumpet · 27/07/2023 16:27

You are in a wretched situation @Toomuchwine89 , and I wonder if continuing the pregnancy - because you know how to do that, and that you can do it - is less scary than not continuing it and starting a different sort of life. Of course babies are lovely (I've lost more than you've had, so I do sympathise with the desire for a big family...I'd have had half a dozen if I could), but there is a lot of promise out there for you and your existing children if you can get to it; a different kind of life to the scratched and scarring existence you've clearly had so far. You really don't need to add another abusive man to the pile of sh!t you've already got to deal with...and you and your kids are about to be free to do whatever you want, wherever you want to do it, with no one who can tell you you can't.

If you stick with Plan A and go to uni and have a chance of a fantastic and fulfilling job you can turn you and your family's life around for the better. Adding another child now will stop all that in its tracks, termination isn't the easy option here, having the baby is...and I'm worried you will one day regret the chance not taken, that you have worked so hard to get to.

FirstFallopians · 27/07/2023 16:44

You have six kids already. To those six people you are their everything. Come on.

I get accidental pregnancies happen, but to get into a relationship with another turd of a human-being and get pregnant, and then to consider keeping that pregnancy? It’s self-sabotage at that point.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 27/07/2023 16:46

GreyCarpet · 27/07/2023 09:58

Maybe I should keep the abortion pills to one side in case I decide to use them.

Well, it's your choice and your decision. Your life and your existing children.

But I know what decision I'd been making.

You're potentially throwing away your and your children's future happiness, peace and security over something you didn't want, didn't plan and didn't ask for.

In my eyes, that would be utter madness.

This.

It's not a baby. Hundreds of millions of fertilized eggs at that stage are discarded every year. We weren't designed to carry every pregnancy to term.

And this: "You don’t know the man you slept with. You don’t know how he will interact with what would be his child in the future. Do your children need another potentially abusive waster kicking around in their lives."

Don't be selfish. You've made a poor choice to have insufficiently protected sex with an apparent loser; please think of your existing children now.

Hollyppp · 27/07/2023 17:26

It doesn’t sound like you are in a solid position to have another baby

Original poster
Toomuchwine89 · 27/07/2023 17:39

Well I'm not keeping it so

OP posts:
BrownHairedGirlWithTheBrightestSmile · 27/07/2023 18:41

I think that’s the right decision OP. To bring another child into your situation would have been very hard for you and your children.

Original poster
Toomuchwine89 · 27/07/2023 18:46

I can't stop crying. I hate my life. I hate having nobody who loves me, cares for me, wants me or looks after me.
I'm just used. Abused.
I thought I was an okay person but I can't be.

OP posts:
Lavenderfowl · 27/07/2023 19:07

I care about you @Toomuchwine89 , and I can’t look after you in person but I can do my best on here. You’re making the right call and I’m very proud of you; you are a perfectly ok person you’re just having a shit time atm, but you’re making plans to make things better for yourself xxxx

Lavenderfowl · 27/07/2023 19:09

And it’s not long until September and the start of new exciting things - the darkest hour is always just before the dawn, and you are due some serious sunshine. Hang on in there dearest xxx

GreyCarpet · 27/07/2023 19:15

OP. You have 6 people who definitely love you. Every single person who has taken time out of their day to post on your thread cares about you.

I know that's not the same and it's not what you mean and I understand that too. I've been there...

I've been homeless with a newborn baby. I lived in a mother and baby home for a year. I have no idea how you've managed a refuge with 6! You have gained a place at university to study law. That's phenomenal! I whether to university when my son was a toddler. He was so proud of me at my graduation and it set him up well for the future. That is what you are gifting your children.

I mentioned before your resilience and strength of character. Those are qualities some people will never possess. But you do. In spite of everything your ife has thrown at you.

You have no idea how truly amazing you are to have overcome everything you have. Is it fair? No. Should you have had to deal with it? No.

But you have so much potential. You are an intelligent woman, a kind and compassionate woman and a woman who has overcome unbelievable odds to prioritise and care for your children.

Fwiw, I think you're making the right decision re the current pregnancy. You are prioritising your children and committed to giving them a better life.

You're awesome.

GreyCarpet · 27/07/2023 19:18

I would spend the summer reading up on the mother wound.

You have said your mother doesn't care. This is a wound that cuts deep and, I suspect, has a lot to do with your feelings around having children.

Get some therapy. Prepare yourself well for the start of the semester. And be proud of yourself.

Original poster
Toomuchwine89 · 27/07/2023 19:29

Thank you. Those messages mean a lot.

I didn't mention this because I didn't want to be told off even more but I've been seeing someone new and I thought I was handling it but he seems to have cooled off a little bit over the past 24 hours and again, I think it's just hormones but I'm just gutted. I feel so stupid believing his words about places he wanted to take me over the next few months, and how much he liked me. He said he'd support me through the abortion (not his baby). He's younger than me and loved the whole "older women" image, so it was probably just a massive physical attraction. I really thought I'd found someone who wasn't bothered that I had six children.

Thanks to those who have bothered to reply with kindness x

OP posts:
startingover202 · 27/07/2023 19:33

@Toomuchwine89

You are very vulnerable at the moment.

Users and abusers will sense this and seek you out.

Please ditch this man. He will be no good either.

Original poster
Toomuchwine89 · 27/07/2023 19:37

startingover202 · 27/07/2023 19:33

@Toomuchwine89

You are very vulnerable at the moment.

Users and abusers will sense this and seek you out.

Please ditch this man. He will be no good either.

I don't know how to "ditch" someone. I'd feel so guilty

OP posts: