Keeping the baby?

[Toomuchwine89]

Please, no judgement. My head is all over the place.

I'm pregnant from basically a one night stand, very early days. The dad is a lot younger than me, skint and is adamant he doesn't want the baby. I've actually ended up blocking him now as he got quite nasty.

I was also adamant I didn't want the baby and I'm booked in to take the abortion pills at home. I already have several children, I'm going through a divorce and family court with an abusive man, I'm hoping to move a couple of hours away (waiting for court to approve). I get very sick when I'm pregnant. I'd only just started to get my life back together (can leave teens with younger ones while I nip out, started the gym, due to start a degree in September, seeing friends more etc etc).

I know it's probably hormones... but it's 1 week today since I found out and as each day passes I'm leaning more towards keeping the baby. My ex husband had the snip and I was really upset at the time thinking that I'd never have another baby. And now, there's one growing inside me? But then what if the dad finds out and drags me through court and things? I can't do all that again.

Help :(

I was in your position of looking forward to doing a degree, starting a new chapter, improving my life chances. I’m with Fiddlerdragon and GreyCarpet but only you can decide.

Please don’t let us internet randoms influence your decision OP.

Yes this wasn’t planned etc, but you have a tiny life growing inside you. It’s perfectly natural to want to look after it. End the pregnancy if you want to. Keep the baby if you want to. Don’t decide in a rush, as either way this is a decision you’ll live with forever.

I don’t understand your concern that the dad might find out and ‘drag you through court’. It’s entirely up to you if you have the baby, he doesn’t get a vote. Or are you worried he might want custody? Doesn’t sound likely.

My primary concern in this situation would be any impact on your existing children. It sounds like they are also going through enough of a tough time as it is. Would having another baby jeopardise your ability to give them the care and attention they need at this time?

Why shouldnt it be a condition?

If a man impregnates a woman, he should bloody well pay child support.

However, your original question,
For me, it would be a no brainer - I would terminate

For you? Only you can make the decision, you have so many reasons to terminate, but then you also think you might want another child. But if you were not pg and if someone asked you right now - do you want a child with this man....? would you say you do ? i dont think so

That isn't true. Maintenance has nothing to do with benefits and hasn't for years now.

OP of course your hormones are doing their job and making you feel attached. It's how human life continues. I wonder if there is also a sense of security and worth for you in having a baby - you've done it before, you know how to be a mum, whereas uni might feel a bit unknown and scary?

This is one of those "choose your hard" situations. Just because a decision is not easy doesn't mean it's not right. It's important to explore your thoughts and feelings about the different hard options.

Have you been able to talk to anyone in real life - BPAS and Marie Stopes offer non-judgmental counselling to help you come to your decision.

Meanwhile, can you get out a pen and paper and write down all the things that would be good and bad about each of the choices. And what you could do to maximise the good and avoid/minimise/manage the bad.

The bottom line for me is that you had already started to make positive changes to your life. You had made plans for the future and not pipeline dreams but concrete plans that have put into place with the wheels in motion.

You must have been excited about this future and for the positive impact on yourself and your children. Higher earning potential, a social life, health and fitness - those are huge inprovements after what sounds like a difficult life so far! And thats incredible. You must feel proud of yourself (and with good reason) for having come so far.

To me, that seems like a lot to throw away for the sake of a 'mistake' that you have already arranged to rectify.

I wouldn't have a baby in your circumstances but you are not me and you need to make the decision you believe is best for yourself and yor children.

I think you have made your point. OP will have no doubt where you stand. I believe the “hormones” comment came from a place of embarrassment as you, and others, seem to already have the answer. I think it’s important to show compassion for somebody who has found themselves in a vulnerable position rather than shaming. Telling an adult woman to “be a grown up” in this scenario as if you have any kind of authority is disgusting, quite frankly.

This will be my final comment on this post. Take care, OP.

sorry thst you’re having a rough time OP but I agree with this also. think about your current children.

if you have this baby, it will disrupt your already complicated life and their lives.

You may end up leaving baby with teens which you’re already doing with the younger children as you pointed out which is Not fair on them.

Put your current children first, get your life back together so that you’re in a better place. Who knows, a few years down the line you may meet someone else who will treat you right and end up having a baby that you know you want for definite and will be brought up in a non complicated environment.

decision is entirely up to you ofcourse but please think about your current children

She's actually in a really strong position. She's just hit a bit of a bump in the road.

To come through what she has and have those plans for the future show an incredible strength of character, determination, and resilience. All the qualities she'll need to absolutely smash a brilliant future for herself and her existing children.

I presume she came here for perspectives, expereinces, reflections, etc. "But it's a baby! Go with your heart" responses might sound nice and warm and fuzzy and feel supportive but none of those people (and how many have there been?) are going to have to live with it.

The reality is, whatever she decides it's going to be a hard decison she'd rather not have had to make.

She has cited several personal reasons for not having another child but not one for having it beyond the hormonal doubt everyone who has ever contemplated a termination has faced.

I believe that this is a head decision that needs to be made with consideration for all people involved and the impact on those people.

I'd just hate to see her in a worse position in years to come knowing how close she was to changing it all. And, yes, I am just a random on the Internet but then she did ask randoms on the Internet 🤷🏻‍♀️

I also think you should go with your heart on this x

I assume this is directed at someone who responded to you, but your outcome, while a really lovely one, is going to be entirely different to the OP’s because your situation is entirely different.

The OP has been through hell, but so have her kids. She is finally at a point where she can give them all some stability and build her life up by going to university, and she is pregnant again.

The reason people are being blunt is because they know how powerful pregnancy hormones are - and they also know that another child will negatively impact the OP and her family. She knows this too. Telling someone they need to be a grown up isn’t unkind in this situation and it certainly isn’t disgusting or shaming - it’s a way of saying life is shit sometimes and I feel for you, but in this case the hard decision is the right one.

Taking hard decisions for the wider longer term good is what grown ups do. The OP’s first duty is to herself and the children she already has.

I'm just here to call bullshit aswell on the benefits thing. Cms will only chase for money if you contact them. You do not need to do it to claim benefits.

Hope it all works out for you op. You've a good head on you shoulders. Whatever decision you make will be right for you.

If we all made decisions based entirely on what our hormones told us to do this world would be an absolutely awful place to live.

But sure, go ahead, "follow your heart". Because it's all about what you want isn't it. Who cares about your current children, their lives, their futures? You've got hormones guiding you.

The comments about CMS and conditions on benefits are utter bullshit. There are women who don't know the father's name or have been raped etc. These comments always come from people who probably haven't even used the service. What a way to scare someone into a decision

It’s a horrid situation to be in but your duty is to your existing kids.

It would be madness to throw all of that away, bring a load more chaos, uncertainty, financial instability and a man she's already had to block into her and her children's lives for the sake of 'a baby'.

I'm sorry but, to me, you don't sound like a very nice person at all. I'm glad you're not my mother

It’s exactly the advice my protective and loving mother would have given me.

OP I have been in a position which was very different to yours but ultimately came down to a head vs heart decision on continuing an unplanned pregnancy. In my case continuing the pregnancy would have meant being forever tied to an abusive man (who I was in the process of finally being brave enough to leave), and screwing up my career just after graduating and getting my dream job.

Hormones are incredibly powerful. I never wanted a child anyway and particularly not in those circumstances, yet every fibre of my being was screaming at me to keep the baby, that it'd all work out in the end, love was all I needed etc etc... Ultimately though my head won. I remember just sobbing and sobbing during and just after (again, hormones!) but even then I knew it was the right decision for myriad reasons and I have never once regretted it. Felt a little bit sad occasionally? Yes. But never regret.

In your situation I would go for the option I think you know makes sense. Then get on with building an amazing future for yourself and your existing kids.

All the best OP x

Is this real?
If it is then how many children is several?

Have an abortion. Stop having unprotected sex. Stop being so selfish to your current children. Honestly, it is so frustrating to see these types of posts on MN. Just irresponsible women who are consistently putting their needs and wants above everything else.

OP I've named changed to reply as I was myself in an almost identical situation to yours- several children to an ex-husband dragging me through family court, in a new professional career and part-way through a university degree to try and better my life. I then found I was pregnant not to a one night stand but a boyfriend I'd only had for around 7 months.

He did not want the baby. At first I didn't either, I knew having another baby would turn my life upside down and having to explain to my other children, other people, and being worried of people judging me, career and financial implications.

But I followed my heart. I ditched the bf and kept the baby. It was incredibly hard but has brought so much joy to our lives, my other children, friends and family adore her. Her Dad is useless but hey ho.

CMS will not contact anyone unless you apply for child maintenance from the Father. CMS and benefits are two different things.

I'm still working and at university finishing my degree. It isn't easy but I have no regrets at all.

Just wanted to share as I've been in that place myself.

I get its a tough choice, one that I have had to make on 3 occasions now, whilst also having had two miscarriages and absolutely no children to speak of.

But please, I beg you, really think about this. This cannot be a hormonal decision, this would be devastating to your life, your existing childrens life and potentially the new baby when they have no father and a mother who's final chances of supporting herself and growing as a person have been taken away.

Stop seeing this as a baby, see this as a problem that needs resolving. Who is to say you wont meet Mr right in the next year and have a final shot with them? That isnt going to happen with a massive bump up front or a 1 month old.

I would NEVER advocate abortion, it is so personal, but in this case it seems an absolute no brainer. I honestly politely think you would be a fool to continue this.

I have also been in a similar situation.

3 years post divorce was seeing a totally unsuitable man casually just for a bit of fun.

My 4 children were mid to late teens.

I was 39 and just getting sorted when I found out I was pregnant.

I just knew the father would use the baby to abuse me and extract money from his family.

Didn't even think about going ahead with the pregnancy. Did not inform the dad or anyone. Just arranged it as quick as I could.

This was before the days of pills in the post. It was appointments at clinics and doctors referral.

By the time it was sorted I had a surgical abortion at 13weks 4 days.

All I felt was relief when it was over.

If that is true I'd be simply saying I didn't know and it was an anonymous one night stand with a stranger.

Pre-DH I had a couple of one night stands where I didn't swap numbers. It's hardly like they'll demand a DNA test is it?!