Keeping the baby?

[Toomuchwine89]

Please, no judgement. My head is all over the place.

I'm pregnant from basically a one night stand, very early days. The dad is a lot younger than me, skint and is adamant he doesn't want the baby. I've actually ended up blocking him now as he got quite nasty.

I was also adamant I didn't want the baby and I'm booked in to take the abortion pills at home. I already have several children, I'm going through a divorce and family court with an abusive man, I'm hoping to move a couple of hours away (waiting for court to approve). I get very sick when I'm pregnant. I'd only just started to get my life back together (can leave teens with younger ones while I nip out, started the gym, due to start a degree in September, seeing friends more etc etc).

I know it's probably hormones... but it's 1 week today since I found out and as each day passes I'm leaning more towards keeping the baby. My ex husband had the snip and I was really upset at the time thinking that I'd never have another baby. And now, there's one growing inside me? But then what if the dad finds out and drags me through court and things? I can't do all that again.

Help :(

Maybe I'm glad I'm not your mother too 🤷🏻‍♀️Thus far, I seem to have brought my children up to have good boundaries and make good decisions for themselves and to take a longer term view in doing so. I'd be incredibly proud of my daughter if she'd reached the stage the OP had after her relationship experiences so far. Really bloody proud and I'd be in awe of her, quite frankly.I'd be terrified for her, and disappointed for her (not in her - before it gets misunderstood 🙄) if she were considering throwing that all away in this situation. I'd be very concerned about the impact on her and her children. Wouldn't you?Her hormones aren't going to be the ones providing financially or building a better future for the existing children she already has, meeting up with friends on her behalf, going to the gym etc when she has to give it all up for a newborn. Are they?She says she already has 'several' childen. She hasn't elaborated on that which is her right but several suggests more than two or three. That's already a lot of people who stand to be impacted by this decision.

Wow. There are some really mean comments here. If you want your baby, you should keep your baby. Pro-choice means just that, not pushing women to terminate when they don't want to.
I was born in less than ideal circumstances, with no money or support, but I had a lot of love. My mum says it was the best decision she ever made, and I'm glad she did. Please do whatever you feel is right OP.
And no, no-one will contact any of your exes without you giving their contact details and permission to disclose your information.

What about the existing children?

Will they appreciate another sibling to look after so mum can nip out to the gym and socialise with her mates?

Teenagers should be having fun and seeing friends. Not burdened with responsibilities of mum's life choices because she 'went with her heart'

That's even before throwing in the potential of another abusive man in their life.

There's nothing to suggest she's expecting the other kids to look after the baby, just that her teenager sometimes looks after a younger sibling at the moment. Some posters seem to be exaggerating the situation here to beat OP with. No-one should feel pushed to terminate a wanted pregnancy.

No-one should feel pushed to terminate a wanted pregnancy.

I agree with this.

But she has already arranged for the tablets to be delivered. She's wobbling a bit now because of hormones but I think that's why people are reminding her so vociferously of the reason for her original decision. She had already made it.

Yes, of course she should consider carefully and of course she can change her mind! But pregnancy hormones are tricksy and nature's way of continuing the population. That doesn't mean continuing with it is the right decision for her or her family.

If another child was absolutely what she wanted and she was building her social life, going to the gym and starting a degree as a way of filling the void left by the thought of no more children, then, fair enough. But that isn't the impression I got from her OP.

I got the impression she's worked really hard at improving her and her children's lives to get to this point and now she's facing a fork in the road. One path will secure that future she wants for her existing children and the other will potentially take her back to square one.

Do you seriously want to be a single mother to seven children with three different fathers?

I wouldn't personally want to have a baby with a stranger who didn't like me and didn't want it.
Especially if I had several other kids and was struggling in other areas of my life.
If you think you're strong enough mentally then go ahead, I wouldn't be strong enough.

Well I for one wouldn't abort a baby just because a bunch of strangers on the internet advised me to.
Only you know how you feel. You've already said you've thought about wanting to keep the baby but aren't sure if it's hormones etc.
It's easy to say just abort, but no one is considering the aftermath of having an abortion, and what it can potentially do to your mental health.
What if you still felt like you wanted to keep the baby after having the abortion? How would you feel?
I'm not telling you to abort or keep the baby, you need to do what's right for you, & only you can truly make that decision for yourself.

Thanks for all the replies. I wish I had a mum who cared about me and who could guide me.

And no, of course my children wouldn't be looking after the baby while I went out. My babies are always fully breastfed, so there'd be no chance of that! In fact I'm still feeding my youngest, but she is almost 3, so a bit different.

I wouldn't be involving the random dad. He wants me to get rid. I absolutely do believe he should pay maintenance but I wouldn't be chasing that up if I decided to have the baby and not tell him.

The tablets will be arriving in a day or two. I'm going to put them to one side and take them if I start getting severe sickness, which I more than likely will, especially if the baby is a girl.

If I had the abortion and then couldn't have another baby, or just didn't have the opportunity, I'd be gutted

@Toomuchwine89 I'm sorry you're in this situation and life has clearly been tough for you, but I think it might be useful for you to consider why you would be 'gutted' if you couldn't have another baby in the future. Was this really something you were planning/ anticipating (with several kids already)? It sounds like a bit of space and reflection might do you some good. Do you have access to any counselling or ongoing support?

Wishing you (and your kids) the best of luck.

How old are you, OP?

34

In your situation, I would have a termination. This isn’t a good situation to bring a child into, concentrate on providing a stable life for the ones you already have.

I wish I had a mum who cared about me and who could guide me.

Oh, OP

I'm sorry you don't have that. I'm not old enough to be your mum (48) and my daughter is only 17 but what I've said on here is exactly what I'd say to her if she found herself in this position. And what I would have said to myself (and what I did say to myself) in your shoes.

But only you can know what is right for you. And, even more importantly, your existing children. That's not designed to manipulate you into a decision but it is also true.

There's another thread running on women who have multiple children by multiple dads running. Have you read it? I'm not going to claim to be right or a greater authority than anyone else but the desire to have lots of children can be a trauma response to dysfunction - eg emotional neglect/abusive relationships. And it sounds like you've experienced both.

I obviously don't know your circumstances (number of children, dads, general support network) but I understand the lack of a caring mother only too well! And how that fucks with your head and how it can fuck up life decisions that have huge, lasting ramifications in all directions.

Can you be your own mum? Your own friend? What would you say to someone who found themselves in this situation? Maybe that would give you some clarity?

I have been in this situation and I did not keep the baby and I now can’t have more for other unrelated reasons. I was upset, maybe gutted I remember just being very sad that that had passed now and it was tough to come to terms with it, so I focused on my DC and giving them the best life and now some years later I have no ongoing regrets about it in the same way I assumed I would. I think I am able to accept for myself that I will miss opportunities and I can’t always have the ideal things that I want to have and I am not entirely clear I would have done a very good job of it, being trapped parenting with a man I didn’t love or even like and all that comes with it. I didn’t think it was fair on a child, my DC or myself. And I made a really good life for us all in response so it wasn’t all for nothing.
I hope you are able to make a decision either way I know it’s hard, I just thought I would share

Op, you have 6 kids and a carer for one.

What happens if you get very sick during this pregnancy? Who looks after the little ones?

You have had an awful year. But so have your kids. The choice has to be yours. But, in my opinion, the last thing they need is their mum really sick and more massive change.

What about living arrangements.

I am sorry you didn’t have a supportive mum. My mum has passed but had severe mental health issues, so support wasn’t forthcoming. I am a bit older than you and have an adult daughter. We are very close.

I can honestly I would be telling her, her existing kids need to come first. They need stability. And (I say this without judgment) another baby with no father around is going to be extremely difficult.

I understand that some people want as many kids as they can have. But doing it at the expense of existing kids is irresponsible. Do you think your need to have lots of kids is driving negative behaviours? These things all impact our kids. I think you should concentrate on them and you.

34 - You absolutely can make the opportunity to have another child if you want to once you have done your degree. If it comes to it you could buy donor sperm from a strapping 24 year old Swede and put it in a turkey baster.

I think go with your head. You risk putting this fantasy baby before the well-being of your existing several (I'm reading more than two??) children. You already have more than enough to deal with. Be practical here.

OMG I just read you have 6 children already.
Come on.
Now I love cake. I would really miss cake if I could never have another one. I could of course continue to eat cake at every meal, if I wanted. But I don't, because I know it's not in my best interests.

Do you have 6 children already? a PP said that and just wanted to check

Again only you can make the decision, but I wouldnt be having a 7th child, especially as a single parent where the father did not want to be involved. I've actually ended up blocking him now as he got quite nasty. This is a man who will not pay to support your child, he may even get arsey and decide he wants to use the child as a weapon against you.

You have enough on your plate without another child

(Sorry, I know what I would do, and I dont want to push you in any direction, but I think your life is hard enough without adding another problem)

Your previous threads are enlightening. I think you could really do with some therapy as you have had some quite traumatic things throughout your life.

You already have 6 kids, the eldest ones don't have their dad in their lives at all and the dad of the youngest abused you. You've been living in a refuge. You plan to move the kids far away from their schools and friends. You do not have a stable home to bring a 7th child into and would struggle to financially support 7 children.

Your heart should be telling you to put your existing children first. They have gone through hell being raised in an abusive household. They need and deserve stability. As a mum it should be what your heart wants to provide for them.

oh @Toomuchwine89 you have had it rough, and its not fair.

I did have a look at your previous posts, this just shouted out at me "I've been abused by everyone who was supposed to love me since I was born"

You were living in a refuge until very recently (if not still) please be kind to yourself, please don't beat yourself up, but I agree, please put you and your existing children first, as you deserve to be happy!!

Thanks to those who brought previous info into this thread. That doesn't put me at potential risk whatsoever...

Fwiw my degree will take six years and then even longer to qualify as a solicitor. So I cant have a baby after that really.

What do you mean 'at risk' you have the ability to name change if you dont want things to be brought in

However all of the things raised are really valid!

You are p by a one night stand, you have no dc, and worried it might be your last chance and you live in a lovelyhome with lots of support - should you terminate?

You are pg by a one night stand, you have 6 dc, were in a shelter not so long ago, you are going through a nasty divorce and have lot of stress - should you terminate?

you must be able to see the advice people will give is likely to differ