Now he asked me out? NOW!?

UserNROsingle · 2023-07-25T06:20:16+00:00

So I have a old, old friend - we’ve known each other over 15 years, closer to 20 years. Never has he shown any type of interest in me, strictly platonic, no confussion ever. Until now, spend the last weekend with him camping. All of sudden he gave a compliment - never done that before. While packing our stuff on sunday, he asked me if I’d like to go on a date with him, totally out of nowhere. I’ve been thinking about the whole damn thing ever since and it has made me so sad. You know what I think the ONLY thing that made this change was? I’ve lost weight these past year and a half. That’s all. That’s it. Nothing else has changed, I’ve known him when he has been single/in a relationship. We are knocking our 40’s FFS! Are men still THAT shallow at this ripe age? God, I wish he hadn’t said anything. I’m so sad now.

AbsoIutelyLovely · 25/07/2023 07:23

This happened to me at university and I knocked him back without a second thought.

I hadn’t lost weight but had spent the summer down the gym and had a great figure. I was really annoyed as I had been mad about him for over a year and I’m sure he would have known.

Sunshinebuttercupsrainbows · 25/07/2023 07:25

I completely get why this would upset you, but I also don’t think he’s done anything wrong. Your appearance has changed, so now he’s seeing you differently. It could be that he’s always liked you but thought “it’s such a shame I’m not attracted to her”, and now that has changed. It’s not shallow to not want to date someone you don’t find physically attractive, it is important to a lot of people.

Ohdearwhatnow4 · 25/07/2023 07:26

May be nothing to do with loosing weight, maybe your more confident since you lost the weight. Maybe he saw you in a different light. Can you not ask him why know?

Leoislazy · 25/07/2023 07:29

I am not attracted to people with too much weight on, or are not toned. That probably seems terrible but I just don’t find it attractive. Lots of people are like me (although won’t admit it). I’ve had times when I’ve really piled on the weight myself and I’ve hated it. But as a pp said - maybe the way you act - confidence etc - has now improved and that’s why he’s looking at you differently.

WilkinsonM · 25/07/2023 07:34

Why are you sad that he finds you more attractive having lost weight?

Original poster

UserNROsingle · 25/07/2023 07:40

More sad that suddenly I’m ’worthy’.
I don’t really care about this ’attractive’ stuff, I’ve always valued personality/values/thinking more.
And most importantly: I thought we were genioun friends all this time, not him just waiting for me to be good looking enough for him.

And as a pp said, they don’t like extra weight and people have to be toned.
So if he (my ’friend’) thinks like this too, he’s in for a shock, I lost the weight, but my body looks like someone’s who has indeed lost the weight.

Oh, and I never had problems with my confidence. Not all overweight people hate or are ashamed of themselves.

OP posts:

crumpet · 25/07/2023 07:40

It could also be that as he’s getting older he’s thinking about life differently, and realised what you might have together

historygeek · 25/07/2023 07:44

I get why you are sad. He's changed your friendship forever either way.

How did you leave it?

obladeeobladah · 25/07/2023 07:46

crumpet · 25/07/2023 07:40

It could also be that as he’s getting older he’s thinking about life differently, and realised what you might have together

This.

It doesn't have to have anything to do with the weight. It might be that he has felt this way for years but not had the guts to do it. And maybe he thinks better late than never. People do change feelings and random things can cause it. Mine was once a dream I had about that person.

Backstreets · 25/07/2023 07:46

Are men still THAT shallow at this ripe age?

haha absolutely

WilkinsonM · 25/07/2023 07:48

There is really nothing wrong with wanting to be attracted to your partner aesthetically as well as personality. Personally I wouldn't go there with a man who was clear he preferred slimmer women because I'm always liable to gain weight as well as losing it so I need my partner to be on board with my body whatever it looks like but that doesn't mean it's wrong or shallow to be attracted to looks as well as personality.

spuddel · 25/07/2023 07:48

It could be that the reason you lost the weight, perhaps because you value your health and want to be fitter for longer, that's attractive to him? I mean, I'm assuming you lost weight for similar reasons?

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 25/07/2023 07:50

And most importantly: I thought we were genioun friends all this time, not him just waiting for me to be good looking enough for him

Do you honestly think that when he first clapped eyes on you nearly 20 years ago he thought to himself 'meh, she's a bit ordinary looking, but I'll play along and pretend to be friends for the next 20 years or however long it takes, on the off chance she loses a bit of weight and I start fancying her"?

It's perfectly normal for people to be friends for years before one of them develops an attraction for the other. People change.

Original poster

UserNROsingle · 25/07/2023 07:53

How did you leave it?

It took me a moment to realize that he was talking about an actual date, I thought we were just planning on a next meeting.
Like, this is how platonic I thought we were.
Once he cleared what he meant, I just said no.
And that I don’t see him that way, which is true.
Then we awkwardly got into our cars and left….
It was beyond weird!

OP posts:

Alcemeg · 25/07/2023 07:54

Not sure you can immediately assume he was "just waiting for you to be good looking enough for him" - that's a bit of a leap in many directions.

Be interesting to have that discussion with him and find out what's behind his newfound interest. If you're right that it's just appearance, then yes, I'd be concerned that he wouldn't be a reliable partner in the future if you didn't maintain the weight loss.

But you haven't had that conversation yet... or have you?

Alcemeg · 25/07/2023 07:56

Ah, just read your update, where you say you're not interested.

So that's that!

All good I hope, might be a bit awkward?

Be hilarious if he does some kind of super hot transformation in a couple of years' time 😜

Original poster

UserNROsingle · 25/07/2023 07:57

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 25/07/2023 07:50

And most importantly: I thought we were genioun friends all this time, not him just waiting for me to be good looking enough for him

Do you honestly think that when he first clapped eyes on you nearly 20 years ago he thought to himself 'meh, she's a bit ordinary looking, but I'll play along and pretend to be friends for the next 20 years or however long it takes, on the off chance she loses a bit of weight and I start fancying her"?

It's perfectly normal for people to be friends for years before one of them develops an attraction for the other. People change.

Perhaps I should have said opportunist.
Seen men like this in my time, can’t stand them.

OP posts:

historygeek · 25/07/2023 07:59

UserNROsingle · 25/07/2023 07:53

How did you leave it?

It took me a moment to realize that he was talking about an actual date, I thought we were just planning on a next meeting.
Like, this is how platonic I thought we were.
Once he cleared what he meant, I just said no.
And that I don’t see him that way, which is true.
Then we awkwardly got into our cars and left….
It was beyond weird!

Hmm. I'd be annoyed he had made, what sounded like a good friendship, weird and it might be difficult to come back from this.

tescocreditcard · 25/07/2023 08:01

I know exactly how you feel OP and I totally understand where your coming from. I've had the same thing happen to me. Shallow fucks. I'm glad you turned him down

Startrekkeruniverse · 25/07/2023 08:03

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 25/07/2023 07:50

And most importantly: I thought we were genioun friends all this time, not him just waiting for me to be good looking enough for him

Do you honestly think that when he first clapped eyes on you nearly 20 years ago he thought to himself 'meh, she's a bit ordinary looking, but I'll play along and pretend to be friends for the next 20 years or however long it takes, on the off chance she loses a bit of weight and I start fancying her"?

It's perfectly normal for people to be friends for years before one of them develops an attraction for the other. People change.

I agree with this.

Maybe his feelings have just changed. You seem to think he’s only asked you out now because you’ve lost weight but you’re really just making assumptions.

I’d also agree with other posters that I’m not attracted to overweight men. So if someone suddenly lost weight that could change whether I was attracted to them or not. I don’t see why that’s a big deal.

Voltefarce · 25/07/2023 08:05

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be attracted physically to a partner. There’s nothing wrong with shape/size forming part of that attraction. If you honestly don’t give a damn what someone looks like then great for you. Most people, if honest with themselves, do give a damn.

Original poster

UserNROsingle · 25/07/2023 08:09

Voltefarce · 25/07/2023 08:05

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be attracted physically to a partner. There’s nothing wrong with shape/size forming part of that attraction. If you honestly don’t give a damn what someone looks like then great for you. Most people, if honest with themselves, do give a damn.

Well, if this is true then my body still wouldn’t make the cut with clothes off.
So, guess we could say, I’m just sparing him from that, huh.

OP posts:

Inkpotlover · 25/07/2023 08:14

UserNROsingle · 25/07/2023 08:09

Well, if this is true then my body still wouldn’t make the cut with clothes off.
So, guess we could say, I’m just sparing him from that, huh.

Show quote history

Slightly off topic, how much weight did you lose?

I would be massively disheartened by your friend's shallowness too. If you love me, love me whatever my size. I mean, what if you ever gained the weight, would he dump you? You'd always be wondering.

Did you ask him, or are you planning to ask him, 'why now?' to see what he says? If he's that good a friend, I'd have to call him out on it.

SlideandPolka · 25/07/2023 08:15

UserNROsingle · 25/07/2023 07:40

More sad that suddenly I’m ’worthy’.
I don’t really care about this ’attractive’ stuff, I’ve always valued personality/values/thinking more.
And most importantly: I thought we were genioun friends all this time, not him just waiting for me to be good looking enough for him.

And as a pp said, they don’t like extra weight and people have to be toned.
So if he (my ’friend’) thinks like this too, he’s in for a shock, I lost the weight, but my body looks like someone’s who has indeed lost the weight.

Oh, and I never had problems with my confidence. Not all overweight people hate or are ashamed of themselves.

I think you’re being unnecessarily negative. Perhaps it was an unproblematic platonic friendship for him too, and he’s surprised to find he’s suddenly attracted to you sexually? No reason to assume he’s been waiting his chance for 15 years. And I don’t see anything wrong with a change in you provoking attraction in him. You’re the one ascribing it to weight. I’ve certainly just started seeing people as attractive after knowing them for ages.

And weight loss doesn’t have to suggest some kind of superficial liking for Barbie girls, either. Objectively, I look better thinner — I have the kind of ‘soft’ features that lose definition when I’m plumper. I look more ‘visible’. The kind of ‘prettiness’ I have emerges. It’s not some kind of internalised social code about weight.

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 25/07/2023 08:19

I would have said no too. It’s fine to prefer a partner to look a certain way, but I wouldn’t be able to get past him only being interested now you have lost the weight.