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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Now he asked me out? NOW!?

276 replies

UserNROsingle · 25/07/2023 07:20

So I have a old, old friend - we’ve known each other over 15 years, closer to 20 years.
Never has he shown any type of interest in me, strictly platonic, no confussion ever.
Until now, spend the last weekend with him camping. All of sudden he gave a compliment - never done that before.
While packing our stuff on sunday, he asked me if I’d like to go on a date with him, totally out of nowhere.

I’ve been thinking about the whole damn thing ever since and it has made me so sad.
You know what I think the ONLY thing that made this change was?
I’ve lost weight these past year and a half. That’s all. That’s it.
Nothing else has changed, I’ve known him when he has been single/in a relationship.

We are knocking our 40’s FFS!
Are men still THAT shallow at this ripe age?

God, I wish he hadn’t said anything.
I’m so sad now.

OP posts:
PhilNW · 25/07/2023 12:58

The fact you have started this thread and regardless of what you think, the friendship has turned sour and is now over, time you both moved on after 20 years. Cant see it ever being the same again.

saveforthat · 25/07/2023 13:01

Sunshinebuttercupsrainbows · 25/07/2023 07:25

I completely get why this would upset you, but I also don’t think he’s done anything wrong. Your appearance has changed, so now he’s seeing you differently. It could be that he’s always liked you but thought “it’s such a shame I’m not attracted to her”, and now that has changed. It’s not shallow to not want to date someone you don’t find physically attractive, it is important to a lot of people.

This. Sexual attraction is important. You've been good friends for ages, he now sees you as a potential partner. I don't see anything wrong in that.

LimeCheesecake · 25/07/2023 13:05

Actually OP - I thought you were in your 40’s but you said you are “knocking our 40s” - does that mean you are both late 30s now?!

thats prime “fuck, I need to stop just fun dating and settle down” territory for a lot of men. and he’ll have heard from couples with successful marriages to “find someone who’s your best friend”. He may well have been strongly encouraged by joint friends to ask you out.

If he’s gone full Bridget Jones and decided he needs to find a life partner, not just a fun date - you probably tick all the boxes. He already knows you, more importantly you already know him. He knows you share hobbies and can get along. He knows what you do for a living, what sort of family you have etc. He doesn’t have to worry about any dodgy surprises - eg if you’ve got a full back tattoo of Cliff Richard singing in the rain at Wimbledon, it would have come up in conversation by now.

it might not be a comfort, because if I thought I was someone’s plan B/“if I’m still single at 40, I’ll marry them” person, then I’d be pretty insulted, probably more than if they only were interested because my looks had “improved” in their eyes.

But your weight change might not be the reason.

Original poster
UserNROsingle · 25/07/2023 13:06

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 25/07/2023 12:54

But you weren't healthy OP. If you've lost enough weight that you've got loose skin, then that extra weight was putting pressure on your body. You may have felt fine, but your joints, you heart etc were all having to do extra work, which increases the risk of problems later in life hugely.

I'm not trying to be sanctimonious here (as I said in a previous post, I've been very overweight before, and probably will be again )

It's just that someone looking for a potential partner for life, is going to be weighing up their future with that person, and they want that future to be long and fun.

It’s all fine.
We donmt really agree with this, that’s fine.
I was mostly pointing out for the commentors who insist the health angle.
I don’t, mostly, believe people actually mean it.
I think those saying they just care about looks are being more honest.
Again, this isin’t about anyone having to find anyone attractive.
I have been healthy and fine for almost 4 decades now😊
In the meanwhile I’ve had people with drinks or even smokes in their hands telling me to think about my ’health’.

OP posts:
Original poster
UserNROsingle · 25/07/2023 13:10

LimeCheesecake · 25/07/2023 13:05

Actually OP - I thought you were in your 40’s but you said you are “knocking our 40s” - does that mean you are both late 30s now?!

thats prime “fuck, I need to stop just fun dating and settle down” territory for a lot of men. and he’ll have heard from couples with successful marriages to “find someone who’s your best friend”. He may well have been strongly encouraged by joint friends to ask you out.

If he’s gone full Bridget Jones and decided he needs to find a life partner, not just a fun date - you probably tick all the boxes. He already knows you, more importantly you already know him. He knows you share hobbies and can get along. He knows what you do for a living, what sort of family you have etc. He doesn’t have to worry about any dodgy surprises - eg if you’ve got a full back tattoo of Cliff Richard singing in the rain at Wimbledon, it would have come up in conversation by now.

it might not be a comfort, because if I thought I was someone’s plan B/“if I’m still single at 40, I’ll marry them” person, then I’d be pretty insulted, probably more than if they only were interested because my looks had “improved” in their eyes.

But your weight change might not be the reason.

Yep, were 38, about to turn 39 in the fall/winter.

Honestly, this theory is even worse!
Did not think of that at all.

OP posts:
LimeCheesecake · 25/07/2023 13:13

Oh OP - about to turn 39, he’s not looking for a girlfriend/shag anymore, he’s suddenly looking for a wife. (You offer dogs and camping, probably perfect)

Original poster
UserNROsingle · 25/07/2023 13:14

But surely he must realize those things are past me!

OP posts:
LimeCheesecake · 25/07/2023 13:16

UserNROsingle · 25/07/2023 13:14

But surely he must realize those things are past me!

Not sure what you mean? Why would settling down be past you?

TheoTheopolis23 · 25/07/2023 13:20

You're the one who's gas lighting. You're confidently telling the OP all about this man - her friend of many years - and his motivations when you don't know the first thing about him or what's happening in his life

Your "logic" is bizarre .... I'm taking ops cue - since she knows him.

That is the opposite of gas lighting. All you posters saying she's misunderstanding the reasons for his sudden romantic interest are gas lighting her.

You clearly don't understand gas lighting

Ladyj84 · 25/07/2023 13:22

Maybe he's liked you for years and never had the confidence to say so. My hubby was like that lol met at 20 started dating at 34 until dating he was my best friend in everything when he first asked me I had to go think about it and no joke a month after dating we married and I've never been happier and in love like it . It didn't take much for our deep friendship to change to love for me although he says he loved me for years hence why he never had relationships. Either way we are now happily married and 4 kids in the 3 years we've been together officially lol

Original poster
UserNROsingle · 25/07/2023 13:23

Oops, my bad @LimeCheesecake , went back and read your message again.
I see that you ’only’ mentioned relationship, thought you mentioned kids.

Well, anyway, I had kind of let go off the idea of relationships years ago, so in my head it has been past me.

OP posts:
TheoTheopolis23 · 25/07/2023 13:24

UserNROsingle · 25/07/2023 13:10

Yep, were 38, about to turn 39 in the fall/winter.

Honestly, this theory is even worse!
Did not think of that at all.

Show quote history

I agree, it's as bad or worse.

If he wasn't attracted enough to ask you out or try it on with you before, but is asking you out now cause you're settling/wifey material (and it's not the weight loss) then he's still not attracted enough, and is happy to entangle a woman he's not really attracted to in a relationship/marriage.

Neither (separately or together) are good things.

TheoTheopolis23 · 25/07/2023 13:26

I would bet it's the weight loss though.

Not only for his personal attraction/acceptability, but I also find many men care about what other men and people in general think about their partner, her looks, her "league" etc.

toochesterdraws · 25/07/2023 13:28

Maybe he's been carrying a torch for you for years, and only now had the courage to do anything about it.

TheCyclingGorilla · 25/07/2023 13:28

Firstly, well done OP for getting healthy and losing weight. I could take a lot from how you did that, just by moving around more and enjoying exercise. Yes, I eat too many sweets as well but I could move more and enjoy doing it.

I understand why you are pissed off. The timing is too convenient. Things were fiiiine being friends with this man, and now it's awkward & weird. Your friendship might not recover from this. You might've lost a friend. It's gutting. He tried his luck and it's not going to be the same, ever. I'm sorry this has happened.

Mojoj · 25/07/2023 13:30

UserNROsingle · 25/07/2023 07:40

More sad that suddenly I’m ’worthy’.
I don’t really care about this ’attractive’ stuff, I’ve always valued personality/values/thinking more.
And most importantly: I thought we were genioun friends all this time, not him just waiting for me to be good looking enough for him.

And as a pp said, they don’t like extra weight and people have to be toned.
So if he (my ’friend’) thinks like this too, he’s in for a shock, I lost the weight, but my body looks like someone’s who has indeed lost the weight.

Oh, and I never had problems with my confidence. Not all overweight people hate or are ashamed of themselves.

I don't think he's shallow, though? I don't fancy overweight men. I can still enjoy their lovely personalities but I wouldn't take it any further. You like what you like. Doesn't make you a bad person.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 25/07/2023 13:30

Sunshinebuttercupsrainbows · 25/07/2023 07:25

I completely get why this would upset you, but I also don’t think he’s done anything wrong. Your appearance has changed, so now he’s seeing you differently. It could be that he’s always liked you but thought “it’s such a shame I’m not attracted to her”, and now that has changed. It’s not shallow to not want to date someone you don’t find physically attractive, it is important to a lot of people.

Agree with this.

People's tastes change as they age.

ClawedButler · 25/07/2023 13:34

It does seem to me that you're projecting an awful lot onto this, and you've assumed the absolute worst about him and his motivations.

I think the friendship is over, but mainly because you clearly think very little of him.

LimeCheesecake · 25/07/2023 13:35

Well you probably aren’t past it for dcs, and you definitely definitely are not past it for having a long term relationship.

SlideandPolka · 25/07/2023 13:41

UserNROsingle · 25/07/2023 12:45

Just to clear few things.
I’ve always seen him just as a friend, nothing more.
I don’t think he’s a bad guy, everyone is attracted to whatever they are attracted to - I’ve never demanded anyone to find me attractive, just to clear it out for people who have now come up with non-sense that I’m being entitled.

But yes, I do find myself being sad, because our frienship has been so great and clear and easy all these years.
Maybe it’s more of an ’shock’ (too strong of a word, but can’t think any other word that fits).
And the timing is just too obvious to miss.
And I’ve always been the same person, life lessons along the way of course, but my personality hasn’t change.
And I’ve always been healthy: I don’t drink, smoke, cleared away from any drugs, I do my best to sleep enough and I have a flu once every two or three years. Just extra weight, but very healthy and happy person.

And the weight loss started by accident when I got a dog a year and a half ago, multiple walks per day, that got longer and suddenly I started to jog a bit.
Weight just started to fall of, so it wasn’t a big change suddenly. I still eat more sweets than I should and too little vegetables (for those who insist the sudden interest must be about health appreciation).

The whole thing just put me into a emotional whirlpool and i couldn’t shake it off.
I do appreciate most of the comments.

I absolutely appreciate it’s a shock, particularly if you, as you say, have never considered him in a sexual light in all the years you’ve known one another, and now suddenly you’re aware of an ‘imbalance’ in that one of you finds the other attractive and it’s unreciprocated. I can appreciate your angry that, as you see it, he’s chosen to muddy the waters of an uncomplicatedly platonic friendship.

BUT I think you’re doing something interesting in choosing to interpret his action as superficial and opportunistic — it’s a very hostile interpretation of the move, given that this is someone you know and whose friendship you’ve presumably cherished for 20 years…? You know this man — presumably you don’t think of him as generally shallow and predatory?

SlideandPolka · 25/07/2023 13:46

Sorry, posted too soon.

What I was going to ask was related to other things you’d said on the thread, about having given up on relationships — are you actually angry because in asking you out, he’s forced you to see yourself in a sexual way, even though you don’t want to and had ‘given up’?

Because in one way, this is a very serious offer, whether or not you have the remotest interest in going out with him. This isn’t a scattergun ‘reply to fifty women’ approach from OLD, or hitting on someone you saw once in a pub. This is someone who already knows you really, really well, and is asking you out. Even if the idea fills you with horror because this man is essentially your brother, it’s a big tribute to you as a person.

Janieforever · 25/07/2023 13:50

You come across as angry. Angry and bitter. There is nothing to suggest this is about weight, but you have not said how much you’ve lost. No one knows if it’s a stone or ten.

he is doing nothing wrong in wanting to be physically attracted to a partner. It reads like he should always have been attracted to you physically or never. He’s not allowed to develop feelings and your aappearance should be irrelevant. In the overwhelming majority of couples, physical attraction is a key part of the jigsaw. But you reject it almost like an insult.

Janieforever · 25/07/2023 13:51

You also seem overly focused on what you look like naked. And have repeatedly posted about how you cover loose skin with clothes. This with your anger indicates this is about you and your feelings about your body, your fear of getting intimate rather than this guy is in the wrong.

TheMossEnthusiast · 25/07/2023 13:52

I think you're being overly harsh here. He's clearly always enjoyed your company and now you've started to become sexually appealing to him as well as emotionally and socially so.
This is totally normal and I wonder if he doesn't deserve the lambasting you're giving him here.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 25/07/2023 13:54

TheMossEnthusiast · 25/07/2023 13:52

I think you're being overly harsh here. He's clearly always enjoyed your company and now you've started to become sexually appealing to him as well as emotionally and socially so.
This is totally normal and I wonder if he doesn't deserve the lambasting you're giving him here.

I've bern thinking the same. Feelings seem extremely hostile.