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Original poster

Now he asked me out? NOW!?

276 replies

UserNROsingle · 25/07/2023 07:20

So I have a old, old friend - we’ve known each other over 15 years, closer to 20 years.
Never has he shown any type of interest in me, strictly platonic, no confussion ever.
Until now, spend the last weekend with him camping. All of sudden he gave a compliment - never done that before.
While packing our stuff on sunday, he asked me if I’d like to go on a date with him, totally out of nowhere.

I’ve been thinking about the whole damn thing ever since and it has made me so sad.
You know what I think the ONLY thing that made this change was?
I’ve lost weight these past year and a half. That’s all. That’s it.
Nothing else has changed, I’ve known him when he has been single/in a relationship.

We are knocking our 40’s FFS!
Are men still THAT shallow at this ripe age?

God, I wish he hadn’t said anything.
I’m so sad now.

OP posts:
TheoTheopolis23 · 25/07/2023 08:55

The risk of jettisoning the friendship by making op being uncomfortable (because he's now clearly regarding her romantically/sexually and asking her out ... completely changing the dynamic) is clearly nothing to him.
In fact theres a sort of arrogance in assuming she would say yes and therefore he's not fucking up their "friendship' by turning romantic on her.

Then there's the chance that if she said yes to dating, it would not work out and a long friendship is fucked up. It all differs that he doesn't value the friendship for what it is. It comes across like it was just some kind of convenient default unless he was interested romantically/sexually. As soon as he is, that's more important and the friendship.can be tossed.

TheoTheopolis23 · 25/07/2023 08:56

*it all suggests

Oceanus · 25/07/2023 08:56

I've never been as big as now. I went from a size 14/6 to a 20/2 in a few months. Western society is full of fatphobia. Sorry but I don't get treated the same. Even when it comes to "being nice" it just isn't the same. I see it and I feel it everywhere, it's just not the same. I really really feel the difference.
I haven't changed at all inside just outside and it was super fast so it's not like I've forgotten what it was like "before".
I'm not shocked at all by your friend. Deep down a lot of people are like that, they behave like that but without thinking about it. It's not deliberate so I can't really blame others for it. All I see is skinny people on tv, social media and ads. I don't see many normal people. Because I also don't think that being my size should be normalised and encouraged (go ahead and shoot me).
Your friend is not alone in the way he behaved. The difference being that you know if you put on a bit of weight he'll be out the door because if he wasn't interested for 20 years, it's not like he's suddenly going to be inlove with you.
Is he a good friend? If he is, don't dwell on it, just ignore that side of his. If there's something more you don't like, well, move on, you owe him nothing!

Inkpotlover · 25/07/2023 08:57

K8ate · 25/07/2023 08:45

They’ve been close friends for 20 years!
That’s hardly someone who is shallow and only after her for sex.

Show quote history

Of course it's shallow to decide someone's only worthy of your attention now they are thin! If he thought she was that amazing and partner material, why hasn't he asked her out even once in the 20 years they've been close? The ONLY thing that's changed in this scenario is that OP has lost weight and is now his body type. If I were her, I'd be hurt too.

Fishpieandchips · 25/07/2023 08:58

I've been friends with someone for over 30 years. In the last 12 months I've become attracted to him and it's taken me by surprise. He hasn't changed physically.
So it can happen.

I decided not to act on it though for fear of rejection.

TheoTheopolis23 · 25/07/2023 08:59

He can't have been hanging round waiting to ask you out, because he didn't fancy you then. The only reason he's had up till now to maintain the friendship with you is because he wanted to be friends.

But he's happy to disregard the "friendship" when op gets slimmer abd he fancies her. So his friendship wasn't worth much, was it. It's just a default for women he doesn't fancy. If it wasn't he'd probably have left it as it was for years & yeard.b

TheoTheopolis23 · 25/07/2023 08:59

He hasn't changed physically.
So it can happen.

But op has changed physically.

That's the whole point of the thread.

ImtheFlag · 25/07/2023 09:00

I mean, you can't have valued the friendship all that much if you suddenly tar him with the same brush as all those men you hate.

Ever considered its nothing to do with your weight or looks and maybe he has felt this way for some time but only just felt confident enough to ask? Or maybe he's had such an amazing time that he realised, actually, I'd quite like to explore more with her...

TheoTheopolis23 · 25/07/2023 09:01

Ever considered its nothing to do with your weight or looks and maybe he has felt this way for some time but only just felt confident enough to ask?

How interesting that his new found confidence coincided with op losing significant weight lol.

MeinKraft · 25/07/2023 09:01

TheoTheopolis23 · 25/07/2023 08:55

The risk of jettisoning the friendship by making op being uncomfortable (because he's now clearly regarding her romantically/sexually and asking her out ... completely changing the dynamic) is clearly nothing to him.
In fact theres a sort of arrogance in assuming she would say yes and therefore he's not fucking up their "friendship' by turning romantic on her.

Then there's the chance that if she said yes to dating, it would not work out and a long friendship is fucked up. It all differs that he doesn't value the friendship for what it is. It comes across like it was just some kind of convenient default unless he was interested romantically/sexually. As soon as he is, that's more important and the friendship.can be tossed.

Ah now, you don't know that. He could have been mulling over this for months or years. Maybe he's noticed OP getting more male attention now she's lost weight and thought he had better act before someone else did. None of us can say. She's been friends with the bloke for decades so he's clearly a good bloke? I doubt he's had a personality transplant overnight any more than the OP has.

ImtheFlag · 25/07/2023 09:02

Unless I've missed the bit where OP said that he opened with:

'Whoa, you look banging now. I'd love a bit of that now that you're slimmer and not frumpy.'

Then where tf are people getting the idea it's only because OP has lost weight?

TheoTheopolis23 · 25/07/2023 09:03

Or maybe he's had such an amazing time that he realised, actually, I'd quite like to explore more with her...

Unless op suddenly became the provider/conprovider or am amazing time recently, after years & years..... He would have decided that long before now.

Why is MN.akwats so full of gas lighters and ppl who seem to make their purpose in life contradicting and undermining an op.

He's had absolute yonks to ask her out, he hasn't until.her looks changed to become more conventionally attractive, it's not rocket science.

Inkpotlover · 25/07/2023 09:04

ImtheFlag · 25/07/2023 09:02

Unless I've missed the bit where OP said that he opened with:

'Whoa, you look banging now. I'd love a bit of that now that you're slimmer and not frumpy.'

Then where tf are people getting the idea it's only because OP has lost weight?

Maybe re-read the OP? She's known him for 20 years and knows that the only thing that's changed between them is her weight loss! She's the one saying it.

TheoTheopolis23 · 25/07/2023 09:04

He could have been mulling over this for months or years

Riiijiight
Smh.

Inkpotlover · 25/07/2023 09:07

I suspect most of the PP who don't believe he's being shallow have never been fat themselves and then lost weight. The way people can react to significant weight loss is incredibly shallow - it's like in society's eyes you suddenly have more worth as a person now there's less of you.

determinedtomakethiswork · 25/07/2023 09:07

I'm actually really happy that you turned him down. That would've definitely made him think twice about himself.

ImtheFlag · 25/07/2023 09:08

TheoTheopolis23 · 25/07/2023 09:03

Or maybe he's had such an amazing time that he realised, actually, I'd quite like to explore more with her...

Unless op suddenly became the provider/conprovider or am amazing time recently, after years & years..... He would have decided that long before now.

Why is MN.akwats so full of gas lighters and ppl who seem to make their purpose in life contradicting and undermining an op.

He's had absolute yonks to ask her out, he hasn't until.her looks changed to become more conventionally attractive, it's not rocket science.

So how is this not gaslighting??

You're telling him/others that the only reason he asked op out now is because she's lost weight despite there being zero evidence to support that.

It feels like there's clearly been an undercurrent of disdain from OP if her immediate reaction is to think he's everything she hates all of a sudden

Mix56 · 25/07/2023 09:10

Have you been fantasising about him for years ?
It could be that all the good points aligned, he's had relationships, no one has been right, he matured & realises that he loves your company, you do fun stuff together &, men being idiots, now sees you differently, better, & maybe asks himself how could he find anyone more suitable ?

Or just shallow.

TheoTheopolis23 · 25/07/2023 09:10

*he opened with:

'Whoa, you look banging now. I'd love a bit of that now that you're slimmer and not frumpy.'*

Yes, he'd absolutely say that.

Men are filterless, non social, clueless, dumb creatures who say everything in their head. They're guileless. Totally guileless.

When they're cheating, they say to their ow 'im bored shagging my wife, I love her but I've shagged her hundreds of timed and it's not novel.of exciting anymore, sone new puss is exactly what I fancy, I won't leave my wife cause that'd upset my family, fuck up my kids lives and cause me financial hardship, I'm going nowhere, you're just for sex, so open you legs dear ....". They never have the slightest ability to lie or lie by omission, or know when you keep their mouths shut; that's purely an xx thing.

Inkpotlover · 25/07/2023 09:15

ImtheFlag · 25/07/2023 09:08

So how is this not gaslighting??

You're telling him/others that the only reason he asked op out now is because she's lost weight despite there being zero evidence to support that.

It feels like there's clearly been an undercurrent of disdain from OP if her immediate reaction is to think he's everything she hates all of a sudden

Show quote history

Why is it you think you know more about him than OP does?!

She's very clear in her comments that the ONLY thing that's changed between them is her weight. She's know him 20 years! This isn't some new friend. They are close. She's seen what he's like with previous partners and intimated they had her new body type. Why are you so intent on disregarding what she's saying about him? That's gaslighting!

And it's absolutely fine of her to dislike how he's revealed himself to be so shallow. That's very different to her saying she hates him as a friend or wants to end the friendship.

TheoTheopolis23 · 25/07/2023 09:15

So how is this not gaslighting??

The op thinks this, and I agree.

Also there is evidence - the timing.

And there is no evidence to the contrary ... Because he's never asked her out at her previous weight.

Therefore this is not gas lighting; you however were gas lighting for all the reasons above.

TheoTheopolis23 · 25/07/2023 09:16

She's very clear in her comments that the ONLY thing that's changed between them is her weight. She's know him 20 years! This isn't some new friend. They are close. She's seen what he's like with previous partners and intimated they had her new body type. Why are you so intent on disregarding what she's saying about him? That's gaslighting!

Thank you.

This thread seems to have attracted more than an average number of a certain mn type

Soakitup37 · 25/07/2023 09:19

You’re assuming a great deal here, which says to me you’re being quite judgemental and closed minded. How about you let him explain why the change of interest.

if you’re not interested romantically then that’s fine too but you’re getting mad at someone who plucked up the courage to ask you out, and it sounds like you weren’t very kind in your reply.

Don’t think your friend has done anything wrong but you clearly have a pessimistic attitude towards him and yourself.

PhilNW · 25/07/2023 09:19

Cant work out what was the basis of the 20 year friendship previously, common interests? camping being one of them. Cant quite believe I change in appearance has triggered this move by him now as they must have been quite close after so long.

toomanyleggings · 25/07/2023 09:21

Would you have accepted if you were still heavier? Are you attracted to him? It’s a tricky one.

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