Now he asked me out? NOW!?

[UserNROsingle]

So I have a old, old friend - we’ve known each other over 15 years, closer to 20 years.
Never has he shown any type of interest in me, strictly platonic, no confussion ever.
Until now, spend the last weekend with him camping. All of sudden he gave a compliment - never done that before.
While packing our stuff on sunday, he asked me if I’d like to go on a date with him, totally out of nowhere.

I’ve been thinking about the whole damn thing ever since and it has made me so sad.
You know what I think the ONLY thing that made this change was?
I’ve lost weight these past year and a half. That’s all. That’s it.
Nothing else has changed, I’ve known him when he has been single/in a relationship.

We are knocking our 40’s FFS!
Are men still THAT shallow at this ripe age?

God, I wish he hadn’t said anything.
I’m so sad now.

Think you are overthinking this. It's fine for you to say you are not attracted to him but not fine for him to not have been attracted to you previously. Or maybe he was but lacked the courage to ask. Or maybe you are giving off more confident vibes since losing weight without realising it. I have in the past known guys for ages..no attraction..then just a smile or a great conversation suddenly made me see him in another light. Stop judging him..your good friend so harshly.

It’s more that I have a very non-elastic skin 😂 and that my ’natural’ body type is very straight and narrow, so the fat distribution was very unnatural and took it’s toll.
I don’t know if this makes sense for others.
Like all the women are very lean, kind of ’boyish’ body types. I’m am pretty much that now too, except loose skin. Can hide it with clothes very well, but yeah, clothes off, people who demand a lot physically, are going to scream and run off.
So, if this guy - how did it go - ’values health’ - he’s not going to value my ’lack of health’.

It's fine for you to say you are not attracted to him but not fine for him to not have been attracted to you previously.

I didn’t say anything about he’s looks, I pay no attention to his , never have.

I really really don’t think he sat about for 20 years hoping you’d loose weight to ask you out.

I understand you’re annoyed but don’t let yourself run away with it like this. Similarly don’t start going down the ‘oh I have loose skin so he wouldn’t be up for that’. It’s becoming irrational.

Logically, it’s probably something to do with you loosing weight. People find different things attractive. Maybe it’s just that it meant he saw his mate in a different light at a moment he’s looking for a life partner. Maybe he does only find thinner women attractive. Neither of these make him a terrible person, but clearly he wouldn’t be the person for you, even if you were generally interested.

As he’s a good friend I would talk to him next time you see him, explain how it made you feel without blaming him. He’ll have some explanation, and understanding his nuances will make it easier to put this behind you. It will also clear the awkward air for you both.

It's more like he has suddenly 'noticed' or 'seen' you for the first time.

I totally understand how you must feel. After all that time of thinking you were 'just' friends (don't want to undermine just how important that friendship has been/could still be).

But I think you need to talk to him about it now - ask him to explain why now, what's changed, etc, and tell him about your response to his request, and how you feel, otherwise you will find it very difficult to be friends any more, which would be a great shame.

I get you OP. I was ugly / plain in school but I was always funny and had a great group of boy mates. I had a crush on one for the full 5 years, didn't do anything about it because he was clearly into the more popular girls.
Roll on 15 years and I had a bit of a 'glow up' grew into my face, curves in the right places, nice hair cuts etc. When I finally rejoined social media after a bit of a hiatus he was immediately messaging me compliments, praise and wanting to chat.
I entertained the idea for a while but he can't help but bring it round to laughing at me for being plain in school/him not noticing me. He still looks gorgeous, kept his looks and body but to be honest I find his behaviour SO ugly.
I'd never go on a date with him.

I get what you're saying. Now you've lost the weight, with clothes on you have the body type you know he's attracted to based on his previous partners. Hence his sudden interest.

I also get what PP are suggesting that it might not be the reason he's asked you out now. But you know him really well, PP don't, so what you think is more valid here.

Personally I would have to ask him directly 'why now?' to see what he says.

I think you are overthinking if you haven’t changed so much that you’ve gone from being unable to get in plane seats to bikini model - if you have just lost a bit of weight, then the weight is unlikely to be the sole reason.

it could be you have more energy, are more “fun”, or could be you are dressing differently in a more noticeable way, or you could have said something that gave the impression you fancied him, or could be you gave the impression you were looking for a serious relationship (I wouldn’t throw away a 20 year friendship for someone who just wanted a fling, but long term is different).

it could be that someone else said they fancied you and he suddenly looked at you differently through their eyes and realised you’re fab.

it could be someone said to him he should be looking for a partner who’s like a best friend and he realised he’d already got that in you.

I think you’re being a bit unfair and over thinking things.

As you have said, you’ve been good friends for years. You have enjoyed each other’s company and he’s wanted to spend time with you, so i think it’s unfair to think of him as shallow.
if he had only been interested in you for sex, then he would have dropped you years ago.

Obviously I don’t know either of you personally, but this could be something really good based on the fact that you already have a close relationship.

If you are not interested in him then say no.

Hi

Yes sadly they are, just like I get avoided because of my weight, there are those who have said you have a pretty face you just need to lose weight and you'll look great etc 🫣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I actually think this says something quite unpleasant about you. This is a longterm, presumably quite close friend that you love and prize? And yet you’re prepared to dismiss him as an opportunist sleazebag?

What exactly would you have preferred he did OP?

For most people, physical attraction is a big part of the reason they want to go out with someone. He'll, when you first start dating someone you don't already know, that's literally all you've got to go on. I'm guessing you wouldn't have want him to ask you out when he wasn't attracted to you.

Now he's found he fancies you, he's asked you out. You say that the fact he fancies you no invalidates the past friendship, but how can that be the case. He can't have been hanging round waiting to ask you out, because he didn't fancy you then. The only reason he's had up till now to maintain the friendship with you is because he wanted to be friends.

The alternative to him asking you out now would be to do exactly what you've accused him of, hiding his feelings and maintaining a friendship under false pretences.

I don't think he's done anything wrong here. He's laid his cards on the table, told you the truth about where you stand with him.

It's understandable to feel hurt that he didn't fancy you before, and annoyed that you'll now have to question his friendship going forwards, but I don't think there's any blame to be assigned here

Following on from my previous comment and having read more of your comments (I hadn’t read the whole thread), you sound extremely high maintenance and simply the way you talk about him on here, I don’t think you sound worthy of his friendship.
I wouldn’t be surprised if he cooled his relationship with you from here on in based on your reaction to him and his values.

Are men still THAT shallow at this ripe age?

Yes.

A portion of men regularly leave wives of decades when they hit menopause.

Or maybe OP just knows her worth as a person? If his values are that he values thinness over anything else, he's not worthy of HER friendship.

Exactly. You've only got to look at the Relationship boards for evidence of that. Men going off with younger and more nubile women after their wives have hit peri.

I think this poster is talking bollocks btw.

In a skinny and I understand why you're unimpressed.

And yeah it's unpleasant for lack of a better word that he's left it at a friendship for years & years, but is now trying to turn it into a dating/relationship situation. Kind of like the friendship was a consolation prize/second tier default for women he's not attracted enough to, and had little value (he doesn't care about throwing it away if you were uncomfortable about him suddenly asking you out romantically, or if you got involved and it didn't work out, after which most ppl can't return to a friendship easily or at all).

They’ve been close friends for 20 years!
That’s hardly someone who is shallow and only after her for sex.

He was satisfied with a friendship for years, and apparently not interested in anything romantic.

Now she's slimmer, he's not satisfied with a friendship and is interested romantically.

Are you usually this obtuse.

And nobody said he was only after her for sex.

Missing the point again.

Did you ask him, or are you planning to ask him, 'why now?' to see what he says?

No, I’m not going to ask.
I don’t think anything he would say, be it true or lie, is going to be something I want to hear, or believe.

Of course it's shallow!

After almost 20 years!? 😆
Even a blind man would notice a person sooner than that.