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Original poster

Now he asked me out? NOW!?

276 replies

UserNROsingle · 25/07/2023 07:20

So I have a old, old friend - we’ve known each other over 15 years, closer to 20 years.
Never has he shown any type of interest in me, strictly platonic, no confussion ever.
Until now, spend the last weekend with him camping. All of sudden he gave a compliment - never done that before.
While packing our stuff on sunday, he asked me if I’d like to go on a date with him, totally out of nowhere.

I’ve been thinking about the whole damn thing ever since and it has made me so sad.
You know what I think the ONLY thing that made this change was?
I’ve lost weight these past year and a half. That’s all. That’s it.
Nothing else has changed, I’ve known him when he has been single/in a relationship.

We are knocking our 40’s FFS!
Are men still THAT shallow at this ripe age?

God, I wish he hadn’t said anything.
I’m so sad now.

OP posts:
aflix · 27/07/2023 10:22

He obviously assumed that the OP had always been attracted to him or he wouldn't have put their friendship at risk by asking her out.

He genuinely thought she'd be flattered.

nodogz · 27/07/2023 10:29

OP, I tend to think go with your first reaction on this. There are well meaning posters who think it's because he's now into your physical appearance or you are being a bit sensitive about this.

Or, he's a chap who has to have his partners fit a certain ideal so he can increase his status with other men. I have been a variety of weights and you get many more dickheads when you're slim.

I've even known men marry women they don't even like because they look good (even if it's not what does it for them). And it all goes to shit 10-15 years later.

It's a truely harmful characteristic and I'd run a mile if I could spot it or smell it.

Ps. A lot of men think you're in to them if you are normal level nice to them.

Janieforever · 27/07/2023 10:55

nodogz · 27/07/2023 10:29

OP, I tend to think go with your first reaction on this. There are well meaning posters who think it's because he's now into your physical appearance or you are being a bit sensitive about this.

Or, he's a chap who has to have his partners fit a certain ideal so he can increase his status with other men. I have been a variety of weights and you get many more dickheads when you're slim.

I've even known men marry women they don't even like because they look good (even if it's not what does it for them). And it all goes to shit 10-15 years later.

It's a truely harmful characteristic and I'd run a mile if I could spot it or smell it.

Ps. A lot of men think you're in to them if you are normal level nice to them.

Aren’t nearly all posters well meaning.

on one side those saying he’s done nothing wrong, just politely asked you on a date, it doesn’t need to be an angry end of a friendship with immediate effect.

and those like you saying he’s shallow and dump your good friend , so agreeing with her.

guineacup · 27/07/2023 11:15

aflix · 27/07/2023 10:22

He obviously assumed that the OP had always been attracted to him or he wouldn't have put their friendship at risk by asking her out.

He genuinely thought she'd be flattered.

That's just bollocks...

LawnmowerBlues · 27/07/2023 11:50

@Katiemag "However, I do think it’s totally normal to hope that close friends see us differently (in a more holistic sense) than a casual acquaintance would..."

See, to me, there's nothing more holistic than falling in love. It's about mind, body and soul - appreciating someone as the physical creature that they are, as a package. I'm not arguing really, just musing... (And yes, I know the OP's friend didn't say he was in love).

ScottishIceCream · 27/07/2023 13:31

And he said the worst thing he possibly could, that he had always liked spending time with me, that it has always been so easy with us (this is so true, it has been my favorite thing about us too) and how we have so much in common/same hobbies/passion….

….And that I’ve ”looked so lovely” this year.
He kept going but I kind of cut him off at some point.

I wonder if he gave any kind of consideration to how you, OP, would take this. It's not as if it's happened after six months, it's been nearly twenty years of sharing the same hobbies etc.

It'd be slightly tempting to put the weight back on, then say yes... 😆😆😆 (kidding)

Original poster
UserNROsingle · 27/07/2023 14:34

He obviously assumed that the OP had always been attracted to him or he wouldn't have put their friendship at risk by asking her out.

He genuinely thought she'd be flattered.

Yeah, I think so too.
Idiot he was.

Aren’t nearly all posters well meaning.

on one side those saying he’s done nothing wrong, just politely asked you on a date, it doesn’t need to be an angry end of a friendship with immediate effect.

No, and the whole accusing be to be bitter, not allowed to have my feelings and non-sense of me being angry.
Hasn’t come off as well meaning at all.
This is a second time you build a story and added sympathetic wording and tone for his benefit (politely asked) and negative towards me (angry).
Why do you do that?
You don’t have to be his spokesperson, it’s weird.

OP posts:
Original poster
UserNROsingle · 27/07/2023 14:42

ScottishIceCream · 27/07/2023 13:31

And he said the worst thing he possibly could, that he had always liked spending time with me, that it has always been so easy with us (this is so true, it has been my favorite thing about us too) and how we have so much in common/same hobbies/passion….

….And that I’ve ”looked so lovely” this year.
He kept going but I kind of cut him off at some point.

I wonder if he gave any kind of consideration to how you, OP, would take this. It's not as if it's happened after six months, it's been nearly twenty years of sharing the same hobbies etc.

It'd be slightly tempting to put the weight back on, then say yes... 😆😆😆 (kidding)

I don’t think he was thinking about me, the actual me at all.

And exactly, many have said that ’initial attraction’ is important, well okey, let’s say it is.
What intial can we have after almost 20 years?
It already was as deep and meaningfull (was to me at least) as two person relationship can be.
With everything that life has thrown at us, all the time we spend together, all the talks.
It already was so beyond physical appliances, it wasn’t a shallow six months random acquaintance I’ve met twice before.

It'd be slightly tempting to put the weight back on, then say yes... 😆😆😆 (kidding)

😂
I think that’s when he’d a suddenly would ’realize’ that we aren’t that good together after all….
Jesus…. What a word.

OP posts:
Janieforever · 27/07/2023 14:47

What intial can we have after almost 20 years?It already was as deep and meaningfull (was to me at least) as two person relationship can be.With everything that life has thrown at us, all the time we spend together, all the talks.It already was so beyond physical appliances, it wasn’t a shallow six months random acquaintance I’ve met twice before.

op, do you lack understanding of the difference between a romantic /love partnership and a friendship? They are very very different things. You can have friends you love deeply but that is no where near the same as a life partner. You do not share a life with this man, a bed, a home, finances, children, it is no where near as Deep and meaningful as it could be.

And the fact you wish to end the friendship as he asked you on a date underlines this

GoingToBeLessRubbishAtLife · 27/07/2023 15:20

UserNROsingle · 27/07/2023 14:34

He obviously assumed that the OP had always been attracted to him or he wouldn't have put their friendship at risk by asking her out.

He genuinely thought she'd be flattered.

Yeah, I think so too.
Idiot he was.

Aren’t nearly all posters well meaning.

on one side those saying he’s done nothing wrong, just politely asked you on a date, it doesn’t need to be an angry end of a friendship with immediate effect.

No, and the whole accusing be to be bitter, not allowed to have my feelings and non-sense of me being angry.
Hasn’t come off as well meaning at all.
This is a second time you build a story and added sympathetic wording and tone for his benefit (politely asked) and negative towards me (angry).
Why do you do that?
You don’t have to be his spokesperson, it’s weird.

But this bit………..

”He obviously assumed that the OP had always been attracted to him or he wouldn't have put their friendship at risk by asking her out.

He genuinely thought she'd be flattered.

Yeah, I think so too.
Idiot he was.”

……….to me this is also building a story that isn’t there when he asked you for a date. I’m a bit bigger than I want to be (oh let’s be honest, I’m a LOT bigger than I want to be) but attraction matters. I know men who are lovely, but I’m not attracted to them because of their weight and general appearance. I’m only human, it’s quite normal to feel like this.

Everyone has their preferences. Some prefer blondes, athletic bodies, long hair, groomed etc. It’s fine to have those preferences. Myself, I prefer men who are not blonde, longish hair is okay but not too long, not too athletic, and definitely not groomed. It is fine to have preferences.

And it’s also perfectly normal that when someone drastically changes their personal appearance (weight, hair colour or length, different sense of fashion, gets much fitter etc) then you can start to view them differently.

You’ve just changed and he’s starting to view you differently that’s all. Please don’t let this situation ruin what sounds like a lovely friendship.

MMmomDD · 27/07/2023 16:23

@UserNROsingle - the more you keep banging on about ‘your awesome personality’ he should have seen over the 20years - and how it should have gone beyond physical attractiveness - the more it shows that you don’t understand human romantic relationships. And the more it sounds like you are bitter about not being considered attractive before.
It’s unfortunate, really. Because you can embrace your new physique and have so much fun with it.

Have you ever been in a romantic relationship involving sex - with anyone over en extended period of time?
Do you know what physical attraction feels like?

aflix · 27/07/2023 17:07

It's surprising how many posters are telling you that you don't understand this man as well as they do OP. This man they've never met, and you've been friends with for 20 years.

SlideandPolka · 27/07/2023 17:16

aflix · 27/07/2023 17:07

It's surprising how many posters are telling you that you don't understand this man as well as they do OP. This man they've never met, and you've been friends with for 20 years.

I think people are mostly suggesting it’s strange that someone who has had this man as a close friend for 20 years and presumably knows and loves him seems insistent on putting such a hostile construction on his choosing to ask her out now. I can absolutely understand her being annoyed he jeopardised the friendship, but the level of fury and castigation is unwarranted.

It suggests her own deep-seated issues, or, alternatively, that she has for some reason kept up a longterm friendship with someone she doesn’t in fact like or trust.

Janieforever · 27/07/2023 17:19

aflix · 27/07/2023 17:07

It's surprising how many posters are telling you that you don't understand this man as well as they do OP. This man they've never met, and you've been friends with for 20 years.

They clearly are not close. He obviously had no idea she’d react like this. She had no idea he would ask her out. She’s going to end the friendship over the fact he asked her on a date.

if they were close he’d have known not to go there, if they were close she’d have seen it coming, if they were close he’d not have said it again on the phone as he’d have known her reaction, if they were close she’d want to talk it out with him and explain. If they were close she’d not wish to end the friendship.

they are not close.

aflix · 27/07/2023 18:19

Well there you go! You were never close OP.

guineacup · 27/07/2023 22:33

It already was as deep and meaningfull (was to me at least) as two person relationship can be.

OP - I'm wondering whether you are asexual, as you seem to have no concept of romantic or sexual attraction and, moreover, appear antagonistic towards the idea of it. Either that, or you've repressed your sexuality so deeply that the thought of sexual attraction makes you recoil.

This isn't meant as a slight, just that if either of three things are true, it would explain a lot.

guineacup · 27/07/2023 22:35

three = these

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 28/07/2023 00:14

Well said, @SlideandPolka

The hostility and anger are perplexing.

guineacup · 28/07/2023 06:55

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 28/07/2023 00:14

Well said, @SlideandPolka

The hostility and anger are perplexing.

The level of hostility would perhaps make sense if the OP did fancy her friend 20 or so years ago when they first became friends... but it wasn't reciprocated at the time, and their relationship developed into a close friendship as that was the maximum extent of what was possible, and the initial attraction was buried deeply as the years went by.

SunsetOverParadise · 28/07/2023 07:20

I’m a bit weirded out that people in this thread aren’t getting it. How the heck are they not?

OP had built up what sounds like a deeply intimate friendship with this guy. She’s been able to be herself, to let who she is sit openly with this man. He has seen all that she is. And because she has now lost some weight he’s now decided she’s dateable. He’s essentially now saying that his focus of her worth rests entirely upon what her body looks like for him.

Now, to be generous, he’s probably oblivious that this is what he’s clearly communicating. But he is. All of those wonderful things about the OP that he has known about for years were not enough to make her dateable to him. This is. He was very, very silly to think that this was a good idea. Can he help it if he is suddenly sexually attracted to her when he wasn’t before? Of course not. But he’s not going to die if he doesn’t get his dick wet. Instead he asked her on a DATE - romantic interest. There are so many things that make up romantic interest: personality, shared interests, the same values etc. Sexual attraction is just one. If it was the only one then it would just be a shag. Because the only thing that has changed is the OP’s weight, he’s saying loud and clear that is why she’s now worthy.

Good for you, OP, for valuing yourself as more than your physicality. I’m sorry it’s now all messed up. But you haven’t ended anything or made it awkward - he has. A person can’t go from a 20 year friendship to sexualisation in the blink of an eye and expect things to magically be okay.

I also agree that he clearly thinks very much of himself to seemingly think you would automatically say yes, as if you were just hanging on all this time for him to suddenly see the light. How utterly patronising of him.

Original poster
UserNROsingle · 28/07/2023 07:57

aflix · 27/07/2023 17:07

It's surprising how many posters are telling you that you don't understand this man as well as they do OP. This man they've never met, and you've been friends with for 20 years.

I just assume they are trolling.

Look at how many comments are saying I’m being bitter, angry and many other mean/negative things.
And painting him as a poor innocent helpless thing.

There has been a rise of mra’s / male sympathisers on MN lately.
And this thread definetly fish out the worst of them.

Apperently I’m just supposed to smile and be grateful 😉

OP posts:
Original poster
UserNROsingle · 28/07/2023 08:05

Thank you @SunsetOverParadise

So many commenters were really going so overboard with their vitriol, and name calling and pile on, that I was wondering what is going on.

So, thank you for undertsanding and kind words.

OP posts:
Katiemag · 28/07/2023 08:21

Like @SunsetOverParadise I’m getting weirded out by the way this thread has gone in some of the latest comments.

Recent comments have diagnosed OP as asexual, told her the friendship was never close and suggested she’s never experienced any kind of romantic/sexual relationship.

These are inappropriately personal and judgemental comments, in my view.

Earlier posters managed to disagree with OP and offer an alternative perspective without a side of mockery and judgement.

GoingToBeLessRubbishAtLife · 28/07/2023 10:20

Well okay then, he’s yet another sex obsessed bastard like all men, thinking only with his dick, like all men. Block and delete him. Does that make you feel better?

But you’ve now lost a great friend, but that’s okay because how dare someone show some interest in you? How very dare they?

Can you not see that physical attraction is really simply the first thing that attracts people to each other?

To put it crudely I’m not attracted to fat people. But if I was already in a relationship and my partner became fat, that would be different because the love would already be there.

Do you even like him? Apart from a convenient camping partner?

SunsetOverParadise · 28/07/2023 13:34

GoingToBeLessRubbishAtLife · 28/07/2023 10:20

Well okay then, he’s yet another sex obsessed bastard like all men, thinking only with his dick, like all men. Block and delete him. Does that make you feel better?

But you’ve now lost a great friend, but that’s okay because how dare someone show some interest in you? How very dare they?

Can you not see that physical attraction is really simply the first thing that attracts people to each other?

To put it crudely I’m not attracted to fat people. But if I was already in a relationship and my partner became fat, that would be different because the love would already be there.

Do you even like him? Apart from a convenient camping partner?

Are you being deliberately obtuse?