Now he asked me out? NOW!?

[UserNROsingle]

So I have a old, old friend - we’ve known each other over 15 years, closer to 20 years.
Never has he shown any type of interest in me, strictly platonic, no confussion ever.
Until now, spend the last weekend with him camping. All of sudden he gave a compliment - never done that before.
While packing our stuff on sunday, he asked me if I’d like to go on a date with him, totally out of nowhere.

I’ve been thinking about the whole damn thing ever since and it has made me so sad.
You know what I think the ONLY thing that made this change was?
I’ve lost weight these past year and a half. That’s all. That’s it.
Nothing else has changed, I’ve known him when he has been single/in a relationship.

We are knocking our 40’s FFS!
Are men still THAT shallow at this ripe age?

God, I wish he hadn’t said anything.
I’m so sad now.

Litmus test 😁!
That’s funny.
Yes, we’ve been camping many times.
That’s kind of how we became friend in the first place actually: I joined a camping trip with other friends and he and I were the only ones who enjoyed it and kept doing it.

My first thought was is he having a midlife crisis/panicking that he’s getting old it recently broken up with someone else.

Regardless of why, it would annoy me.

It would really annoy me if it was due to my weight loss or if it was because he thinks he’s getting old and wants to settle down.
And it would make me see him in a completely different way.

I know where I used to work I never wore make up and had to wear a frumpy uniform that made anyone look ugly.
I bumped into a colleague out of work wearing normal clothes and he all of a sudden started fancying me and saying how pretty I was and how much slimmer I looked than I did in my uniform.
It really annoyed me.

You’re MASSIVELY overthinking this

You can call him shallow, maybe he is. But you also wanted to go for a body he is attractive to

How do you know that??

How do you know exactly what op lost weight and what her motivations were?

If what you think is the case, wouldn't op be delighted he/similar men are now interested romantically and just go for it with them.

*why op lost weight

She's really not

Hell yeah!
But I am sorry he's such an idiot. Because you're right it is sad, he's chosen to change his relationship with you for the idea of sex.
And it is just sex, because if it weren't something would have happened before this, it's been 15+ years- after a certain point a persons looks become normal to you (think about when everyone stop wearing face mask and how their face didn't match what you had in your head, it looked weird but then became normal)

And after a while, how you feel about them changes your perception, but if asking you out only came because you lost weight it means (at least to me) that he wants you for your body and not your mind x

Oh and the other pertinent thing about behaviour like this is that you know, if you were to date him; that you'd probably be dropped if you gained enough weight again. Or at the very least that he'd not be happy and you'd feel under pressure to stay a certain size.

Keep him as a camping buddy, if you can bear to entertain him for that.

If you don't fancy him then you don't fancy him, it's as simple as that. BUT, it is possible that this is nothing to do with your weight and how he perceives you, or that possibly you are more confident in yourself now and he sees you differently, or he could have been carrying a torch for you all these years and finally plucked up the courage to say something. It might be that he's that shallow, but it could also be a lot of other things. But if you don't feel that way about him then none of it matters, and I would certainly try not to lose the friendship over it, as it sounds worth having.

But the OP doesn't know this. It's not like he said: "Finally, I've waited 20 years for you to slim down... Now that you have, do you fancy a shag?"

OP - Based on your visceral and assumption-leaping reaction to something as innocent as being asked out, I'd say your friend had a lucky escape!

If someone waits 20 years to ask you out then there’s obviously a reason and whatever that reason, it’s definitely not one to be flattered by.

He was satisfied with a friendship for years, and apparently not interested in anything romantic. Now she's slimmer, he's not satisfied with a friendship and is interested romantically. Are you usually this obtuse.

Let's say he does fancy her now she's slimmer... So what! There's nothing wrong about that! Sexual attraction isn't "equal opportunities", and people aren't "bad" or "shallow" for having physical preferences.

The idea that weight shouldn't be a factor in sexual attraction is ridiculous and unrealistic. Men and women tend to find slimmer people more physically attractive - that's just a fact.

This !

You probably need an honest chat if you value the friendship.

Exactly. The OP is coming across as very entitled. How dare he not have fancied you before!

She's not remotely entitled.

She doesn't want a man who only views her romantically when she's skin enough for him.

As I said m, if she got together with him, there a good chance he's drop her if she out on "too much" weight for him.

That's not entitled, that's sensible.

She'd also offended at how little he values their friendship, to do this. And she's correct in that.

The gas lighting & undermining of the op itt is pretty disgraceful.

*Slim, obviously

Did you post about this before - this sounds very familiar.
Not sure why you are finding it strange that appearances matter. And by the sound of it - you lost a significant amount of weight - so you did change dramatically.

You met as teenagers. And went through all kinds of ages and phases in your life. You are now mid-late 30s. Him asking you out now is not all about how you look - it is also about where HE is in life.

The while - ‘now I am worthy of him’ - is in your head. Almost sounds like you liked him at some point but it wasn’t reciprocated.

Physical attractiveness isn’t something we can control. While personality is what we fall in love with - the physical reaction to the other person is what draws us is in.

No need to pretend it isn’t so. It probably changes once we stop being sexually active. But at your age - you are far from that phase.

You're the one who's gas lighting. You're confidently telling the OP all about this man - her friend of many years - and his motivations when you don't know the first thing about him or what's happening in his life.

Other posters are saying perhaps this, and perhaps that. You are the only one who is saying the weight loss is definitely why he's asked now. And you just don't know that.

I completely agree.

Its sad to see how many women would be flattered by this.

Thankfully it seems OP isn’t that desperate.

Just to clear few things.
I’ve always seen him just as a friend, nothing more.
I don’t think he’s a bad guy, everyone is attracted to whatever they are attracted to - I’ve never demanded anyone to find me attractive, just to clear it out for people who have now come up with non-sense that I’m being entitled.

But yes, I do find myself being sad, because our frienship has been so great and clear and easy all these years.
Maybe it’s more of an ’shock’ (too strong of a word, but can’t think any other word that fits).
And the timing is just too obvious to miss.
And I’ve always been the same person, life lessons along the way of course, but my personality hasn’t change.
And I’ve always been healthy: I don’t drink, smoke, cleared away from any drugs, I do my best to sleep enough and I have a flu once every two or three years. Just extra weight, but very healthy and happy person.

And the weight loss started by accident when I got a dog a year and a half ago, multiple walks per day, that got longer and suddenly I started to jog a bit.
Weight just started to fall of, so it wasn’t a big change suddenly. I still eat more sweets than I should and too little vegetables (for those who insist the sudden interest must be about health appreciation).

The whole thing just put me into a emotional whirlpool and i couldn’t shake it off.
I do appreciate most of the comments.

He’s probably wondering if there is a friendship now.

But you weren't healthy OP. If you've lost enough weight that you've got loose skin, then that extra weight was putting pressure on your body. You may have felt fine, but your joints, you heart etc were all having to do extra work, which increases the risk of problems later in life hugely.

I'm not trying to be sanctimonious here (as I said in a previous post, I've been very overweight before, and probably will be again )

It's just that someone looking for a potential partner for life, is going to be weighing up their future with that person, and they want that future to be long and fun.

I've read this thread with interest, OP.

I will say I've never been in the position of having gained or lost a lot of weight. Not really varied by more than 2 dress sizes over the years. So I don't have experience of that.

I can completely understand your reaction to this and I think I'd feel similarly shocked/indignant/offended. There are some posters who are definitely sure that he's an arsehole but reading between the lines, I'd say some of those are projecting from their own experiences - particularly the most vociferous ones. And, again, that doesn't mean they're necessarily wrong. But it doesn't necessarily mean they're right. either.

I know that, when I've lost a bit of weight, I feel more confident, so I dress differently, I interact with people differently, I carry myself differently. I don't know this because I'm aware of it personally but because I've been told by my friends who have noticed and have said it's really nice to see.

In your shoes and with it being such a long standing friendship, I don't think I could let it pass without having a conversation with him. Tell him you were surprised he'd asked now and what had changed for him? It would be a sae to lose a good friendship over a misunderstanding but equally, if he does turn out to he a completely shallow arse, at least you won't be left wondering!