Now he asked me out? NOW!?

[UserNROsingle]

So I have a old, old friend - we’ve known each other over 15 years, closer to 20 years.
Never has he shown any type of interest in me, strictly platonic, no confussion ever.
Until now, spend the last weekend with him camping. All of sudden he gave a compliment - never done that before.
While packing our stuff on sunday, he asked me if I’d like to go on a date with him, totally out of nowhere.

I’ve been thinking about the whole damn thing ever since and it has made me so sad.
You know what I think the ONLY thing that made this change was?
I’ve lost weight these past year and a half. That’s all. That’s it.
Nothing else has changed, I’ve known him when he has been single/in a relationship.

We are knocking our 40’s FFS!
Are men still THAT shallow at this ripe age?

God, I wish he hadn’t said anything.
I’m so sad now.

That's very sad, i totally get where you're coming from OP. is the friendship ruined now do you think?

I'm actually really happy that you turned him down. That would've definitely made him think twice about himself.
No it won't! I think the way we perceive fat/slimness is engrained in us and it's not a conscious thing. He won't get why she said no and he won't change. He likes what he likes. We all like what we like. Others input isn't going to change whom/ why we feel sexually attracted to others. It is what it is and it's not necessarily about being shallow, it's just the way our culture is.

Personally I don't think it's shallow. I'm not attracted to fat men. Could be friends with them but would never be able to get wet for one or have sex with them. Just a preference, can't help who I am attracted to or not

I agree. I doubt it will register with him because it's ingrained. It still doesn't mean OP's incorrect to feel hurt by it though.

I totally understand how you feel.

As someone who also lost a fair amount of weight, there is a huge amount of fat phobia in society that you see a lot more clearly when your own weight changes and suddenly you’re treated very differently.

I think it’s maybe hard for those who haven’t lived in a bigger body to understand your reaction as they won’t have experienced this change in treatment. Your value as a woman 100% does not change based on your body size - but society loves to tell us it does.

Exactly the same scenario happened to me with a male friend although I decided to keep the friendship. He won’t have been intentionally trying to hurt you. In my case, after turning down my friend, I did tell him “I’m exactly the same person I’ve always been, you know”. I don’t know if he got the message, but I felt a lot better

It still doesn't mean OP's incorrect to feel hurt by it though.
Heck no, I never implied that. I'd feel hurt too. Her feelings are beyond valid as far as I'm concerned. Where I differ from most is I think this isn't enough to end a friendship. I just wouldn't be interested in him as a partner but I would feel free to call him a shallow prick to his face and I'd repeat it ad nauseam.

You are only assuming that he asked you now, due to losing weight.

Turning 40 does factor in here OP. It is a point in life when people start thinking differently and maybe he now realizes that he just likes you more than just as a friend. It happens. Quite a lot.

I think you are being quite harsh, as you are only going on an assumption. And is it worth losing a friendship over? You sound like you hate him now yet don't know his side.

OP, he won't get the reason you turned him down was because you felt insulted that he had only done it since you lost weight. He will just think you'd never fancied him, because that's what you said. If that's true then that's OK, and after such a long friendship it seems a shame for you not to continue still as friends.

It’s not just about appearance though is it? Being very overweight is very unhealthy and it would be a concern for me that someone cared about their health so little when exercise and diet are so important to me. It doesn’t make you shallow to prefer a slim partner.

Shallow is about things people can’t change (e.g. height) that say nothing about them as a person but do affect the way they look.

You sounds righteous and miserable tbh and I can't believe you're ending a long friendship because your friend got together the courage to ask you out.

Why did you lose weight in the first place? Because you wanted to look better, because you wanted to feel healthier? And you're surprised that whichever reason it was, its the same thing that may have prompted him to feel differently towards you?

Maybe without realising your vibe has changed since losing weight and that's sparked a reaction in him.

Thus proving it could be either the change or not - so proving exactly nothing.
This thread is like pulling teeth 😅

I wish people would read OP's comments more closely. She said she's sad and hurt, she hasn't said anything about binning him off as a friend!

Except OP knows, because she knows him, has known him for 20 years, hence her starting a thread about how hurt she is.

But you and other posters apparently know him better, right?

I get what you're saying OP.

This is maybe slightly different but I've always been slim and when I was heavily pregnant (and gigantic) all the men that were "so nice" to me suddenly stopped being nice to me.

It was really shocking.

A few months postpartum, I'm a healthy weight, and all of a sudden men go out of their way to be nice to me again.

It was really eye opening. And a bit upsetting tbh!

Are you sure it wasn't because you'd managed to have a successful camping weekend?!
Have you been camping before with him?
Bloody hate camping and think it's a litmus test - if you can survive that with a significant other, you can survive anything.

Men can be such entitled fuckers. He probably has a list describing his “Perfect” woman. She would have to be slim and stunning, have several post-grad degrees and be earning squillions. Of course, no kids because she will be a saintly virgin with no opinions or interests that are not in line with his. As they age and are knocked back by the Gigi Hadids, they realise that they will have to “make do” with a real person.
I think you should just tell him that he’s not your type and let him wonder what is wrong with himself and what your type could possibly be.

Why is that shallow? I'm male and my weight has fluctuated a lot over the last 20 years. I've been thin, fat, back to thin, fat again and I'm currently heading back down the thin end of the scale.

I get a lot more attention from women when I'm thin. I don't think that's shallow particularly, people have traits that they find attractive, and for most people, being overweight is not an attractive trait.

More than any other physical trait, it can signify a lot about the person. It can indicate how healthy they are, how much energy, how much they take care of themselves, it's also a signifier of wealth (can afford to eat healthily, has time to spend at the gym).

I would concede that a preference for most physical attributes could be shallow. Height, baldness, a preference for a particular hair colour, boob size all indicate absolutely nothing about a person aside from their genetics. I have a preference for red heads. It doesn't mean I can only be attracted to red heads, just that if you put me in a crowded room, I'm likely to notice the redhead first. That, I'd say is shallow

But I'd put being overweight in the same category as smoking, or drinking too much, or taking drugs. Most people want their partners to be healthy, to live long lives, to take care of themselves, and so are going to take the above factors into account when choosing a relationship.

Disclaimer: I am of course aware that some people are overweight due to factors beyond their control, such as disability.

It's the change.

He's not felt the need to ask her out the entire (long) time before she lost weight.

Do you just enjoy being obtuse lol

You might be reading too much into this you know, maybe he just had such a great time camping with you he started to see you differently.

But if it is the weight thing, he can’t really help what he does and doesn’t find attractive. I must admit, I don’t find overweight men attractive and wouldn’t date one.

You’re the one that seems very hung up on looks for all the claims that you don’t notice OP. You’re surmising that it’s because of how you now look compared to previously and you won’t even entertain the thought that it could be for something else. As many PPs have pointed out, he’s not waited 20years for you to lose weight, it’s incredibly shallow of you to think you’re worth waiting 20 years for too.

You can call him shallow, maybe he is. But you also wanted to go for a body he is attractive to. I am assuming it required you to do a lit of hard work to achieve that as you say it is substantial weight loss and you have a lot of lose skin hanging.

How do you know any partner you may Starr relationship, would have atreacted to you in the past. We all have some level of shallowness. Can you tell him you are a bit uncomfortable with the idea that after knowing you for 20 years, now when you lose weight he wants to go out with you? Not sure what it will achieve, maybe it will help him to think that he has hurt your feelings by asking you out, and maybe clear a bit of air.

Lots of typos. Lit= lot, starr= start

As many PPs have pointed out, he’s not waited 20years for you to lose weight, it’s incredibly shallow of you to think you’re worth waiting 20 years for too..

Omfg

He's only wanted friendship for that period.

Now he wants more.

It's not been the difference between friendship and no friendship. It's been the difference between friendship and romance/sex.

Why does this need explained.

I had this at uni, lost weight and I remember overhearing some guys say "I didn't even notice her before" (I used to go on nights out with this little group!) "and now she's an 8 without my beer goggles on" I heard him going on about it for ages.
I enjoyed refusing his offer for a date... 😆

On a different note my best friend for 10 years, who it has always been completely platonic with, has tried it on the last few times we've slept in the same room. Nothing to do with weight loss. Just being opportunistic but it has stained the friendship for me and haven't spoken to him for a few months. Feels like he's been waiting all this time!
Men..

OP, i am not saying you are wrong but genuinely asking why are you so sure that this is about your weight?
You have been friends for what...20years? So you must see him as a 'good' person.
Why do you see his interest in you so negatively - 'he has been waiting for you to be worthy'? I wondered why you thought that about a long time friend.

It's okay that you turned him down. You are not interested, if you were also interested in him, do you think your thoughts on this would be different?
It is not unheard of for relationship between friends to change after years. As we get older, sometimes our values in relationships change. Sometimes something happens or something is said and we suddenly see the person differently.