Dh had a lapdance. I feel broken

[Rabbithole90]

I always thought I would be ok if he ever did it. Never goaded him doing it whatsoever or encouraged but he's come home from a stag do and spent OUR money on it. £40.

I feel cheated on. I know I've not been. But I can't help how I feel. I'm so upset

^"Lemonslimes"
Men can do far far worse, it was as stag do he probably didn’t overthink it and is probably just a fragment in his memory now , some men abuse and neglect their wives , don’t provide and are selfish as hell and they have to stay because they are dependant that’s hardship , if he is otherwise a good man and cares for your needs sexually and emotionally and this was a stand alone event that’s hurt you, I’d talk to him, if his a good man he will reasssure you, and realise your find things like this unacceptable and will respect your wishes in future.^

Yes men can do far worse, and most right minded women would not want to be married to them either.

It is the casual disregard he has shown his wife. The dismissive way he has dealt with her fears. The fact he has destroyed their sex life and her trust. He doesn't realise it yet, but she will never forget this and will end up hating him for throwing their marriage away so casually.

What he will or will not do in the future matters little now.

This is not about him anymore, it is about what OP is willing to tolerate. By his woefully inadequate actions to address OP's feelings, it isn't looking good.

I really hope you are not putting up with the man you described above @Lemonsnlimes he's also not a keeper.

I feel so sorry for you op. Like I said earlier I wouldn't end a marriage over this but hearing how it's affected you, I think possibly you should consider leaving... If it's going to seriously eat away at you.

Fwiw I've been to a strip club (not my finest hour and not for me as such, with friends) and I found the whole thing meh. Most of the men looked bored honestly (including one sleazy auld fella getting a dance). The strippers were a bit disgusting (not necessarily looks wise) just I found them gross.... Sorry I know I'll get slammed for that but it's just my opinion. So I'd assume most men wouldn't repeat the experience. But I could be wrong!

@pocketpairs I absolutely agree. The OP has teenage children. Is destroying a family unit over this - when you're in an otherwise good marriage - really worth it?

Call me a 'cool girl' but this is ridiculous to be so worked up about. It's £40 - not your life savings and he's had some tits in his face. So what?!

OP - have you ever been to a strip club? It's really not that sexy. I think this is much more to do with your own insecurity than what he's actually done. Was the groom much younger than him? Perhaps he just had one too many and thought it would be funny or impress the lads. At worst stupid and inconsiderate if the £40 is an issue.

If you felt so strongly about this issue then why didn't you discuss it when you knew he was going to a stag do?

I don't understand posts like this.

Women aren't really the target audience of strip clubs. Women might not find it sexy or appealing. Men obviously do or they wouldn't go...

And the OP isn't destroying her family over this. He did that when he made the decision.

Why is it the responsibility of women to forgive bad behaviour/stupidity/poor decision making - whatever you want to call it - rather than the man's decision to behaviour appropriately in the first place?

@MumGMT

Fair point, maybe I shouldn't be telling her she's overreacting, she can't change the way she feels. But there has to be a middle ground and a way forward, with clear boundaries that they both understand.

I disagree that divorce is the obvious solution, as many factors to consider; finances, age, life as single mom, etc.

So, he's never wanted you to wear hot underwear.., well if I were you, I'd be sure to buy some while on your trip and make sure he sees you unpacking when you get back.

What a hypocritical asshole!

to lemonslimes

Your post was indicative of failure to think, and inequality.

You say he probably didn't over think it - what do you mean? He didn't go too deeply into the meaning of what he was doing - because he wanted to do it and that is all that mattered?

Because he matters more than her? He is The Main Guy and his needs trump hers, and don't think too deeply about that, just let it go?

This is the reason women leave men. Inequality, and just being expected to shut up about it.

Nutterjacks Of course he hasnt. Ever heard of the Madonna/whore complex Its mentioned upthread

There doesn't have to be a middle ground or a way forward, because that's not how people and relationships work.

She may not be able to get past it, or forgive or forget. It may continue to have a massive effect on her even though she doesn't want it to. That's people for you

I've never been to a strip club but had plenty of lap dances because I do a lot of dance classes like that for fun.

It doesn't do anything for me sexually because I am 100% straight but at the same time I can see that it's sexy and have often thought wow if I was a man (or lesbian) then this must be unbelievable!!

Men find all sorts of things sexy that straight women obviously don't......even very minor things....so I'm sure the average straight man is likely to find strip clubs a lot sexier than a straight woman would..

@SnowWhiteAndTheTwoKids

So if your DH went out and met some random woman in a club and she stuck her tits in his face you'd think it was no big deal?

In the context that this event occurred, I would not be bothered. My DH has been to stag do's where strippers performed but he has always told me what happened. We have a solid marriage and I'm not remotely fazed by someone popping their tits in his face.

I've also been to strip clubs myself and it's not something I feel threatened by. Our relationship is based on so much more than what a 3 minute strip dance offers. I am everything to him, a dancer is just that.

What a weird attitude, almost misogynistic. 'Someone popping their tits in his face'. I'm sure you and your dh have a very solid marriage indeed, you have such similar derogatory attitudes and values.

The problem you see is the op and her dp don't. He obviously would know this so any decent bloke would say 'I'll leave it here lads' and leave his seedy pals to their grubby perving.

The dancers do a hell of a lot more than stick their tits in the client's faces. Getting naked and sticking their arses in the client's faces for one. But if it doesn't bother you that your husband has another woman's vagina in his face or that he thinks he can buy women as if they're commodities I guess you deserve each other.

The point is the OP is absolutely not ok with it!

But it's not a random woman, it's someone who gets Paid to lap
DANCE !! Back in the day strip a-grams were a big thing .. the same bloody thing .. if OP wants to up root her whole life over a sexy dance ! From a man who has been a good husband..then good luck
To her .. but she's looking at a very hard future and don't try to
Kit her shes not .. in your 50s with teenagers and on your own for a lap
Dance ..

@newfriend05 Things have moved on from strip-a-grams. Now you can have a woman who is young enough to be your grand daughter grinding her naked crotch against your geriatric dick. Or maybe sticking her nipples into your shrivelled lips. Just no.

I've been on a hen and some guy thrusted at me a bit, not sexy at all but is that the same? I bet ALOT of you guys have witnessed or been involved in something similar. You'll obvs lie about it now tho so you can keep being so disgusted

I don't think it's the same as normally men get lap dances for a sexual thrill, at hens women normally just laugh.

I'd say the equivalent would be more like a married woman or woman in a relationship going out and grinding on a guy herself or having some kind of sexy/sensual encounter with another man.

@MumGMT ahhh the double standards, I get it

It's not a double standard. I'm saying that the equivalent is the woman getting a sexual thrill, which women don't tend to get from strippers

@MumGMT yeah I know what you're saying

Agree that for most women, a male stripper just isn’t a turn on. I’ve been to parties where they had male strippers and I just find it toe curlingly, hideously embarrassing, about as erotic as having thrush!!
I’m sorry that this has happened to you op. You are clearly really struggling and it doesn’t sound like he is being particularly empathetic or understanding. Would you consider seeing a psychotherapist? I am not saying your reaction is wrong, you feel how you feel and that is absolutely valid, but you are in knots here and discussing things with a qualified professional might help you untangle a bit? The outcome may well be that you leave him, or you might decided to work through it. But, irrespective of the outcome you are obviously in significant emotional distress which is physically manifesting and I think you would benefit from getting some help with that.

I was waiting for this one, brilliant.

This thread is about to be full. In conclusion, DON'T accept this if you don't want to. Keep your standards high. Any man who buys a womans body in any form is scum.

Hell yes