Dh had a lapdance. I feel broken

[Rabbithole90]

I always thought I would be ok if he ever did it. Never goaded him doing it whatsoever or encouraged but he's come home from a stag do and spent OUR money on it. £40.

I feel cheated on. I know I've not been. But I can't help how I feel. I'm so upset

@MumGMT You make a good point.
I definitely wouldn't be ok with my husband paying a cam girl. Like I said I'm probably so unbothered by the idea of lap dancing clubs because ive worked in one. I'm not saying everyone should share my opinion just that it's a shame a marriage could potentially end over this.

My friend is a dancer. She's married, he doesn't mind. Not everyone feels this way. I wouldn't care if my husband went to one, my husband wouldn't want me to have a private dance at one of those magic Mike shows. I only know this because I brought up this thread with him. That's why I asked if ops husband was aware of her views beforehand?

Because I have recently returned from Spain and heard a huge argument from the couple in the next room regarding her husband looking at naked boobs around the pool.

She's got issues.

Unless hes one of those absolute gawping, slack jawed, staring, indiscrete, creepy idiots who make their wives (and usually the women being stared at) very uncomfortable.

Still got nada to do with choosing to go into titty bars in rainy old England and buying sexual interaction with young women.

Ine most men who frequent lap dancing clubs froth at the mouth if their partners suggest they lap dance themselves or they get the equivalent of lap dance from a male stripper.

I know one who frequents them who "discourages" his wife from going out on her own - he and his serial cheater bil are the only two ago prevent their wives (out of 4 sisters) from going on girls nights.

On the subject of topless sun bathing ... I noticed two guys sitting near a young woman who was topless and had page 3/glamour model esque boobs staring at her (trying to be discrete using sunglasses) and exchanging glances and gesturing (they thought discretely) towards her.

I thought it was pathetic.

She has the right to sunbathe topless - as many many women do in the med etc, some go nude in plenty of places without that but unfortunately it's a downside of men being base and immature wankers.

How are you doing OP?

😂 There's always one.

My best friend is a dancer, she has the same insecurities as everyone else.. she really isn't trying to tempt anyone's husband into running away with her.

I don't think it's the intentions of the women who work there towards the customers that is the issue tbh...

I wouldn't imagine for a second that very many are interested in starting a relationship with any of the men who would go to a lap dancing club.

Exactly. If lap dance clubs had never been a thing and only became a thing now then there would be outrage, and the vast majority of women who are ok with them now would NOT be ok with them at all because the vast majority are against cam girls etc. It's cultural conditioning that has made a lot of women be ok with lap dances.

But cultural conditioning is being challenged all the time.

It might be a shame but it also shouldn't be surprising if you take the cultural conditioning out of it and see it for what it is, a sexual encounter outside of the marriage.

🙌🏼

This is exactly what I meant about being a realist and seeing the bigger picture

Except it’s more than a drunk man having a nipple tassel shaken in his face. More like a vulva sloshing across the nose. Let’s not minimise what happens and make out people are overreacting.

And yes. If my husband did do this, it’d end my marriage. I wouldn’t uproot my life, drag my kids out of bed in the middle of the night or any of the other drama implied in the message you responded to (move schools and temporary accommodation, wtf?) dramatising the situation. I would calmly move on with my life with self respect that I’m no longer with a man who thinks it’s his right to buy women and has such a misogynistic outlook. Thanks but no thanks, I’d rather be single than with a gonk. Each to their own though. But let’s be real. If the marriage ends because of a lap dance, it’s the man’s fault, not the woman’s. Let’s acknowledge that and stop putting everything on women all the bloody time.

Except it’s more than a drunk man having a nipple tassel shaken in his face. More like a vulva sloshing across the nose. Let’s not minimise what happens and make out people are overreacting.

Yes. It amazes me how naive some women are. And how much of men's awful behaviour is put down to silly boys having a bit of harmless fun.

@Masterofhappydays Except it’s more than a drunk man having a nipple tassel shaken in his face. More like a vulva sloshing across the nose. Let’s not minimise what happens and make out people are overreacting.

I wouldn't want any man I was involved with going to one of these places and coming back to me with some other woman's fanny slop on his trousers.

Yuch, yuch and more yuch.😒

OP, I hope you’re all right. He should be desperately trying to repair your marriage. If he’s not, it may be because he’s got stuck, not knowing what to do.

Although it’s not your responsibility to rebuild what he has broken, if you want to continue living with him I would tell him he needs to talk (and listen) to you about what he did. He needs to accept how serious it was, and ask you what you want him to do so your marriage can continue. Perhaps counselling would help?

Best of luck, OP.

Exactly @Masterofhappydays And stopping having sex with him is something that can be done straight away. And doesnt involve any uprooting at all

@Masterofhappydays Well said!

"I wouldn't want any man I was involved with going to one of these places and coming back to me with some other woman's fanny slop on his trousers."

Could you be any more misogynistic @Threemyopicmice ?!

The problem is HIM. Why be so offensive about another women - and, in fact, all women?

How is withholding sex going to help constructively sort the issue? Communication is needed between them and he should say sorry for what happened after a few drinks. If this is really relationship ending after a £40 dance then that's up to them ...

i dont know about you but i couldnt bring myself to have sex with a man who did this to me. Why should i hold my nose to force myself to do so Your post demonstrates that you think women are just there for the pleasure of men. What about womens pleasure and how that is affected by a partner doing this. Once you have the ick there is no going back. And as for a few drinks. Im fucking sick of drinking being used as the excuse. Funny how its not used as an excuse when someone gets behind a wheel of a car after drinking.

I hate the expression 'withholding sex', what does it even meant? Sex is an intimate act that happens between 2 people who both want it to happen. Not wanting it for any reason is not withholding sex, it's just not wanting it. And knowing that your dh has had another women's naked tits and arse in his face is as good a reason for not wanting it as any.

Total agreement

@Masterofhappydays ok so how would you end your marriage non dramatically? Because when children are involved, it will always be a big deal to them.

Drink driving is very different - its illegal and can kill. Having a lap dance is perfectly legal. Please don't compare the two. In fact, ladies promote themselves to men, like male strippers and shows promote to woman. If you have an issue you should check your personal values.

When you get the ick, you get the ick. No need to stay with a sad sack loser these days, chuck him back in the pond, girl.