Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dh had a lapdance. I feel broken

1000 replies

Rabbithole90 · 24/07/2023 21:49

I always thought I would be ok if he ever did it. Never goaded him doing it whatsoever or encouraged but he's come home from a stag do and spent OUR money on it. £40.

I feel cheated on. I know I've not been. But I can't help how I feel. I'm so upset

OP posts:
Thread gallery
9
MumGMT · 11/08/2023 03:19

@pocketpairs
Would you feel the same if he hadn't paid for it?

And yes it is a very silly thing for her husband to have destroyed his marriage over.

RandomForest · 11/08/2023 03:19

Sorry but why did he disclose that he was the only one who had a lap dance out of the group, was he covering for the others, it seems pretty stupid to admit you were the only disloyal sad git out of all of them.

And in his 50's really, now I know plenty of players who are single who are this age and still think they're 25, but a family man who clearly has never hurt op before with stupid behaviour, it doesn't make sense.

Anyway he's blown it now, he must have understood op's values after being together so long, it's a poor decision that will reap the decline of his sex life and marriage.

Oh dear, another one bites the dust.

pocketpairs · 11/08/2023 10:19

@montecarlo7

They were probably wearing clothes, not just a bit of fun

@MumGMT Hit the nail on the head. If he hadn't paid for it, he certainly wouldn't ha e come home and told his wife (that would be cheating). The fact he did, shows he just saw this as a bit of harmless fun. Sadly, imo, she's overreacting. They just need to have a open conversation about boundaries and move on.

montecarlo7 · 11/08/2023 10:24

@pocketpairs - a strip club, but one where they wear clothes? Sounds like a novel concept. You're downplaying this - why? Done it yourself and don't wish for there to be consequences?

pocketpairs · 11/08/2023 11:01

@montecarlo7

I meant they are scantily clad, but not naked. You're overplaying a relatively minor issue, I wonder why..

Vretz · 11/08/2023 11:02

She presumably knew where he was going. There should've been a discussion beforehand, and both the OP and her DH share the responsibility for that.

It's a poor show of judgement and morals, but what is more important is DHs reaction to causing the OP to be upset. If he's genuine and sincere in his apology, and his track record is good, then it's not relationship ending.

Masterofhappydays · 11/08/2023 11:03

Pocket pairs - you contradict yourself. You say if he hadn’t paid for it, it would be cheating? Yet as he did pay for it, it’s not cheating in your book, and op is just over reacting?

Also pocket. I can tell you now, as a former stripper, that we definitely did not keep our clothes on. Kind of the whole concept of ‘stripping’. But yeah, you are speaking a lot but making little sense, so I agree with PP, what exactly is your agenda here?

Masterofhappydays · 11/08/2023 11:04

pocketpairs · 11/08/2023 11:01

@montecarlo7

I meant they are scantily clad, but not naked. You're overplaying a relatively minor issue, I wonder why..

Poppet. Stripper are naked. My vulva touched nostrils. Scantily clad in the main lobby, yes. Usually topless. Private dance, like OP’s dh had, we got totally naked and we touched the men. They just couldn’t touch us.

Have you ever been to a strip club?

Vivaleconfused · 11/08/2023 11:20

Pocket pairs did you really think strippers do not get completely naked? Lol. I’ve been before with an ex and spent too much time looking into some woman’s anus that I could see what she had for lunch 😂

Qilin · 11/08/2023 11:36

EAP · 09/08/2023 20:31

How would you feel if your husband left you cos you saw a stripper at a hen do?

I wouldn't have gone in the first place. Have had the 'opportunity' to go and declined, even when much younger.

I certainly wouldn't have gone and paid extra for a lap dance from one of the working dancers.

Rabbithole90 · 11/08/2023 14:05

An update - I have had moments when I wondered if I was overreacting and moments when my world was crashing down around me from what DH did. I just cannot get the imagine out of my head of DH with the naked dancer.
I thought I was DH's everything and I was more than enough for him. It seems not, or at least not in my mind anyway. I have been left feeling inadequate and very insecure about myself. I cannot help but feel that DH wants what he had with the dancer - a slim stunner. I am neither of those and never will be. This incident has changed my outlook on everything in my life; it's led me to question everything in terms of who I am/my outlook/have I got boring/have I let myself go/do I not look after myself enough/am I not good enough for DH.

I feel like DH has changed, but I cannot put my finger on what has changed. Of course, this 'changed' perception could all be in my mind/my overthinking. But in my mind he has somehow been 'different'. Whereas I'm not saying I think DH slept with someone/a dancer, I cannot help but feel something else is amiss since this happened.

France with my sister was good but what DH did, did cast a shadow over the trip. I told DH I was meeting up with some old (and now quite distant) uni friends while in France. These were blokes. DH said (via whatsapp while I was away) ''if you mean the uni friends are blokes, then it's fine to just say that ''. I read that to be ''I'm not bothered if you are meeting up with blokes''.

Currently, every time DH does/says something, in my mind I end his sentences with something like 'I am sure your tart would love that'

I have lost half a stone since this all happened.

OP posts:
ChaToilLeam · 11/08/2023 14:10

OP, I’m sorry you are having to deal with this. I’d be both furious and gutted if my DP did this, it would call into question his regard for women in general and for myself. Once that’s been damaged, you can’t just bounce back. I hope he realises just how hurtful this has been for you.

TeaMistress · 11/08/2023 14:42

Rabbithole90 · 11/08/2023 14:05

An update - I have had moments when I wondered if I was overreacting and moments when my world was crashing down around me from what DH did. I just cannot get the imagine out of my head of DH with the naked dancer.
I thought I was DH's everything and I was more than enough for him. It seems not, or at least not in my mind anyway. I have been left feeling inadequate and very insecure about myself. I cannot help but feel that DH wants what he had with the dancer - a slim stunner. I am neither of those and never will be. This incident has changed my outlook on everything in my life; it's led me to question everything in terms of who I am/my outlook/have I got boring/have I let myself go/do I not look after myself enough/am I not good enough for DH.

I feel like DH has changed, but I cannot put my finger on what has changed. Of course, this 'changed' perception could all be in my mind/my overthinking. But in my mind he has somehow been 'different'. Whereas I'm not saying I think DH slept with someone/a dancer, I cannot help but feel something else is amiss since this happened.

France with my sister was good but what DH did, did cast a shadow over the trip. I told DH I was meeting up with some old (and now quite distant) uni friends while in France. These were blokes. DH said (via whatsapp while I was away) ''if you mean the uni friends are blokes, then it's fine to just say that ''. I read that to be ''I'm not bothered if you are meeting up with blokes''.

Currently, every time DH does/says something, in my mind I end his sentences with something like 'I am sure your tart would love that'

I have lost half a stone since this all happened.

I'm so sorry, OP. You're absolutely justified in having this reaction and what he did absolutely is not ok. It is cheating and it is disgusting and it is a violation and a betrayal of his supposed fidelity and commitment to you. You have a right to feel hurt and you don't have to stay with this man if you don't want to. You don't have to put up with his revolting exploitation or his lack of care towards you. If he is the kind of lecherous pervert that enjoys watching / fondling a naked exploited woman gyrating in his lap then he isn't someone you want to grow old with. I think you need to make clear to him what impact this has had on you and if you need to have that outburst where you call him out on this then absolutely do it. He needs to understand what's on the line here and the impact this has on your marriage.

Acornsoup · 11/08/2023 14:56

OP you sound like an amazing woman. This average man doesn't deserve you. He's taken you for granted and he is expecting you to just deal with this. He is out of order.

Saying it's ok for you to meet your male student friends isn't saying he doesn't care. He's doing the 'super reasonable' act to point out how unreasonable he thinks you are being - as if the two things are even comparable. I went to the lapies so you can talk to your male friends. As if you need his permission to talk to friends.

One thing I will say is eventually it won't even be about the dance anymore. You will never forget the hurt (so unnecessary) or his lack of empathy for you (worse than the original betrayal). Eventually you will find your anger.

The best thing you can do is look after yourself. Consider talking matters and invest some time and money on yourself. He can't argue about that given his inappropriate spending. When you are good and ready you will know for yourself what you need FlowersFlowers

MumGMT · 11/08/2023 14:58

pocketpairs · 11/08/2023 10:19

@montecarlo7

They were probably wearing clothes, not just a bit of fun

@MumGMT Hit the nail on the head. If he hadn't paid for it, he certainly wouldn't ha e come home and told his wife (that would be cheating). The fact he did, shows he just saw this as a bit of harmless fun. Sadly, imo, she's overreacting. They just need to have a open conversation about boundaries and move on.

Except it wasn't harmless was it? Because it quite clearly has caused harm

Paying for something and telling your wife doesn't mean it's not cheating 😂
What about a man who used a prostitute and then confessed? 😂

Mayhem3 · 11/08/2023 15:45

You need to end things.
And by that you need to cut all contact and be completely done.

It doesn’t matter if any of us would feel differently if our DPs had a lap dance because this isn’t our relationship.

You cannot carry on feeling like this and you know that the relationship can never recover, so why prolong the inevitable.

Crikeyalmighty · 11/08/2023 15:50

@Rabbithole90 this is the problem isn't it- they do something that is so icky or disloyal that you no longer can see them in the same light. As I've said before you can stay (I did) but it kind of snuffs out the candle of 'specialness' - love and attraction can be a finely balanced thing and it takes one disloyal thing to tip it the other way

pocketpairs · 11/08/2023 15:56

@MumGMT

Using a prostitute is totally different. He clearly didn't see it as a big issue, and unfortunately it is for his wife. But is it worth destroying a marriage over, the majority here think it is...

MumGMT · 11/08/2023 16:00

pocketpairs · 11/08/2023 15:56

@MumGMT

Using a prostitute is totally different. He clearly didn't see it as a big issue, and unfortunately it is for his wife. But is it worth destroying a marriage over, the majority here think it is...

There's plenty of men who don't see sexting women or paying for cam girls as a big issue, it doesn't mean that it's not.

It doesn't mean that they'd be ok with their partner doing the same.

As for people thinking it's worth destroying the marriage over, it looks like the lapdance already destroyed the marriage. OP isn't making any decision to 'destroy' her marriage, only whether to stay or leave the already destroyed marriage.

Acornsoup · 11/08/2023 16:01

pocketpairs · 11/08/2023 15:56

@MumGMT

Using a prostitute is totally different. He clearly didn't see it as a big issue, and unfortunately it is for his wife. But is it worth destroying a marriage over, the majority here think it is...

Yes it is worth destroying the marriage. It has already destroyed the OP's self confidence and her trust in her DH. It will never be the same again.

MumGMT · 11/08/2023 16:04

@pocketpairs

Also using a prostitute isn't 'totally' different. It's all in the same family of behaviour, using sex workers.
What's the difference? Is it that they actually physically have sex?

Most women are against their husbands paying for cam girls and interacting with them even though the man never touches the woman but if the woman is grinding naked on his actual lap that's supposed to be ok?

TeaMistress · 11/08/2023 16:13

pocketpairs · 11/08/2023 15:56

@MumGMT

Using a prostitute is totally different. He clearly didn't see it as a big issue, and unfortunately it is for his wife. But is it worth destroying a marriage over, the majority here think it is...

It's not about him. It doesn't matter whether he thought of it as harmless. Its about the betrayal that this represents and the impact this has on their marriage. His thoroughly disgusting choice of entertainment has made OP feel insecure and second best. He has acted in a way that has destroyed the trust between them. She absolutely should not stay married to the lecherous pervert if she doesn't want to.

FuckNuggets · 11/08/2023 16:28

pocketpairs · 11/08/2023 10:19

@montecarlo7

They were probably wearing clothes, not just a bit of fun

@MumGMT Hit the nail on the head. If he hadn't paid for it, he certainly wouldn't ha e come home and told his wife (that would be cheating). The fact he did, shows he just saw this as a bit of harmless fun. Sadly, imo, she's overreacting. They just need to have a open conversation about boundaries and move on.

Take a look at the OP's update today and tell everyone how it's still just a harmless bit of fun. Tell her she's overreacting. This has affected every single aspect of her life, even her holiday. She's lost half a stone since this happened. Is that just "harmless fun" is it? I think you have absolutely no empathy whatsoever. You are what I would call a "cool girl".

FuckNuggets · 11/08/2023 16:31

pocketpairs · 11/08/2023 15:56

@MumGMT

Using a prostitute is totally different. He clearly didn't see it as a big issue, and unfortunately it is for his wife. But is it worth destroying a marriage over, the majority here think it is...

I've been with my husband for nearly 30 years, and we have kids. If he did this I'd divorce him without a second thought.

RandomForest · 11/08/2023 17:28

Mid life crisis males, but it's harmless fun, everybody else does it, I've had a clean sheet for all these years, whether it be lap dances, camm girls, prostitutes, emotional affairs and physical affairs.

Something tips the balance in them, whether it's the dimishishing figures and looks of their wives, their apparent fear of getting old and their own emortality, god knows but one thing is for certain they do know how hurtful this behaviour is.
Where it becomes not only hurtful but cruel is when they do it on purpose, I have known men be like this whereby there is unspoken resentment.
This type of behaviour changes things, for good and many men can't understand why forgiveness is not forthcoming, they believe to be loved is to be forgiven for anything, "look how long we have been together why would you throw it all away."

He had a very supportive wife in op, a shared bond that was special over many years and now the rules have changed. Op this will affect you in so many ways you won't even have thought about but have a think about what you feel you need to do for him now.
He is no longer entitled to that, as one poster once said platinum star treatment, he's on the bargain bucket tin treatment.

Do what you want to do and pull back on help for him, he doesn't deserve it.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is not accepting new messages.