Dh had a lapdance. I feel broken

[Rabbithole90]

I always thought I would be ok if he ever did it. Never goaded him doing it whatsoever or encouraged but he's come home from a stag do and spent OUR money on it. £40.

I feel cheated on. I know I've not been. But I can't help how I feel. I'm so upset

Maybe because the OP said 'To make matters worse, he is currently tiptoeing around me. Making me cups of tea, cooking my favourite meals, jumping to my every need. It's not the real him and it is just making me feel even more shit. He's only doing all this because he knows I feel hurt/upset.'

That's a guilty conscience.....

Sorry, Ivr managed to miss that post.

I thought all he was doing was shutting the subject down and dismissing her.

So he realised he may have to play nicer for a not til he thinks this has blown over.

This post does digress from the OP, so for that I apologise for derailing, but thank heavens you see this. This is the truth, you’ve hit the nail on the head.

There is a reason so many of us ex dancers/strippers and escorts view men differently.

Time and time again, I come on mumsnet and see things like “oh it’s all so tame in strip clubs”…. I don’t know what the agenda of that is? Is this men just saying this shut women up for complaining about something sooooo irrelevant?

It’s not. There’s data available that shows a direct correlation between rape and proximity to strip clubs. There’s data that shows how frequently sex workers are sexually assaulted - bearing in mind this is underreported too, but still the data shows prevalence.

I have come on Mumsnet and shared my experience of working in these clubs (2003 - 2009) yet am always silenced by other “ex or current strippers” because their own experience was different. Or they outright say I am lying. They claim their experience was like some sort of naked utopia. Some even claim they don’t even get fully naked in a private dance?!! I’ve honestly come to the conclusion now that these are male punters who come on here to downplay what goes on so wives will be more open to the idea of ‘letting’ their spouses visit clubs.

The industry is horrific. It’s set up by men, for men. It does not serve us as females. We’re lead to believe we’ve found some loophole in the patriarchy, that we’re empowered etc. Couldn’t be further from the truth. I wish I was 18 again so I could go back and make better choices. NO woman wants to do that job, it’s done out of sheer desperation, exploitation or greed.

For those “ex strippers” who tell OP to visit the club herself, please don’t. You will not get the same experience as a male who visits alone.

OP, you’re asking yourself the wrong questions. You need to be asking yourself is he worthy of you? Do you want to move past this and forgive him?

Also. As gross as he was visiting, it doesn’t mean he wants what he saw. Sometimes curiosity gets the better of people. Sometimes it’s variety. Sometimes (most often) the pics of us on the websites are a far cry from what we look like in real life.

Please give yourself some time to process this OP. Maybe sit him down - if you want to forgive and move on - and tell him that in order for you to move past this, he needs to be open and honest with you and answer your questions. If he’s unwilling to do this then you need to let him know you’re going to be unable to move past this. He doesn’t want that and I think deep down neither do you.

Go and have a nice time away in France and discover what YOU want xx

Good post @Masterofhappydays !

I said the same yesterday the question is is he good enough for the OP …he made a choice he wasn’t goaded.

These places are grim and gross and far from innocent especially private dances I’d well imagine 😮.

No one can tell OP what to do but don’t think I’d be able to accept it for many reasons ….

Hope you are enjoying your break OP not an easy situation he’s put you in

I broke down in tears last night, big time. I just cannot process it or draw a line under it. I don't know how I will move past it. Have had a headache all week, drank way too much, barely had any food but trying to work still. Work has been a nightmare which hasn't helped. My teen DC have been wanting non-stop food all week and to be honest, I'm telling them if they want cake for breakfast then help themselves at the moment. I just haven't had the inclination to go and stock the house with lunches and decent snacks. Of course, DH has been cooking dinner for them all week and tidying it away and loading/unloading the dishwasher without saying a word about it. We usually take turns to make sure that element of chores is evenly split and usually he would have a little dig if he did it all all week, But not this week. I wonder why !
The dynamics currently feel different in the relationship (for me), the atmos in the house is weird. DH would usually go out mid-week but didn't this week and hasn't mentioned about going out, which is unusual. TBH I don't think he would dare go anywhere atm, even just to his mates for a drink. The house just feels different. DH is just sitting quietly every day. I think if he broke down in tears in front of me then I would have some inclination that he was maybe remorseful. But that has not happened. I thought there was a tear in his eye when he heard me literally sobbing my heart out last night, but I couldn't be sure.

FWIW @Rabbithole90 although I am absolutely anti strip clubs and lapdances and would 100% feel as you do, I wouldn’t do anything as rash as LTB.

What is concerning me is although your husband seems to ‘regret’ his decision (because it’s caused HIM trouble) he is not remorseful. He needs to put your needs before his own right now. I really don’t care how he is feeling but it sounds like a nasty mixture of shame, self pity, bravado, power, damage limitation and control of the narrative.

But none of those are really about you and your pain, that would be remorse. He chose to have this dance which is all about his needs and wants and has now chosen to go into some state of mind which is still ALL about him. The thing is this isn’t all about him. This is about the damage and pain he has caused you. Until he gets that, he is not remorseful.

His actions need to be the same as for reconciliation after cheating. He needs to offer complete transparency, answer any questions you have, really unpick why the hell he did this and put you and your healing from this first.

He betrayed your trust and faith in him, he needs to own that, and fast before this becomes insurmountable.

Please tell your sister OP, you need her support. Really hope you manage to enjoy your break

I would feel the same as you, and I have to say I don’t think there’d be any coming back from this for me. We’re similar ages to you

OP, if I could give you a hug, I would. Please tell your sister. You can't just pretend to be OK for four days; you are barely holding it together. Your sister loves you, and she will support you unconditionally. Tell her, and let this holiday be a chance for you to spend some time with someone who cares about your feelings and won't make you feel bad for being upset.

The fact he has been tiptoeing around you shows he knows you think what he did was wrong. The fact he still hasn't actually apologised or shown any form of remorse shows, well, he doesn't feel sorry. He thinks this is a you issue. It's all in your head.

Sod that.

I get that this dance might have meant nothing to him - lad culture normalises a lot of unacceptable things - but even if it was all a joke to him, a decent bloke would have gone 'oh, shit' on realising how upset you were, apologised profusely and asked you what he could do to make you feel less upset.

You deserve a partner who cares about your feelings.

Talk to your sister. You're right, she will gun for him, but what you need right now is a cheerleader making clear that you can gun for him too. Part of why you're so upset is because you're forced to hold things in because your husband has made you think the problem is in your head. Put the problem back in the open where it belongs. It might be uncomfortable for him, but he has to own his shit.

For you and your husband to try to work through this and survive, you have to be comfortable in reaffirming what you need (a real apology, any details you need in order to move on, a commitment to not dismiss your feelings) and he has to be genuine in his response. Some time with your sister talking about it all will help you feel strong enough to put this to him. Draw strength from her. It's what she's there for.

@Rabbithole90

Your reaction is extremely viceral and strong. You have mentioned many times that you have confidence issues. There is a lot more at play here for you than a lap dance. Yes you are hurt from it but something else in you has been triggered. Apologies if I missed this but have you considered therapy for your self esteem issues? They seem almost overwhelming for you.

This is in NO WAY to blame you for whats happening - I am mentioning this as an aside.

Also couples counselling would be a good idea if your husband won't take your feeling on board and listen to you and your hurt.

@Rabbithole90 tell your sister and speak to her - she knows you, she is in perfect position to offer an "outside" perspective while having enough familiarity with you and your husband to be able to judge the overall picture.

I think you need to have a conversation with your husband about it, rather than avoiding each other and him doing all the housework around you, hoping it will help. Sit down with a glass of wine WITH him and lay out just how hurt you are. I dont think you will be able to forgive him if you cant feel remorse and understanding from him. And please confide in your sister as well on your break away.

I think this will take a while for you to process and work through all emotions before you can make a decision about what to do. And part of that process is talking it through. Don't worry about making any decisions until the really turbulent emotions have passed.

I think it is fine he is doing the wife work! Long May it last.

He needs to be accountable. If he won't take responsibility and properly apologise and tell you what you want to know it is possible that you can let it drop and go about your lives. He's actually rubbing your nose in it by saying no one forced him and nobody knew. What he's saying is damage limitation to protect his friends. It will come out anyway it always does in the end.

You will never trust him again and the thing that never goes away is you will always remember the way he so casually hurt you. Especially if it isn't acknowledged. He has done nothing to make you think he wouldn't do the exact same thing if he had the opportunity - and this is what it is, he had the opportunity and he did it. He's not some young daft lad you have no history with. You two have been together for decades and raised a family.

Your hurt is not going away and he's just tiptoeing around you until you get over it. FTS OP.

I think you are going to end up grieving by yourself. Part of that will be you realising he is not the husband you thought you had. He is someone else and it will never be the same. In my experience you will end up either indifferent to him or hating him.

Couples can get over infidelity but only when the one who was unfaithful does the work to rebuild trust. Inevitability he's going to get tired of tiptoeing soon and then you will have to deal with angry man (it's no big deal, I haven't done anything wrong) or he will realise the gravity of what he has done and start trying to out it right. I hope you don't have to wait too long for his realisation. 4 days is too long in my opinion - it says he's only doing it to make his life easier.

You deserve the husband you thought you had OP

@Rabbithole90 Ask yourself if you wouldnt mind caring for him if he ever becomes ill. Especially after what he has done This may give you your answer

Have a lovely time in France

This absolutely!

So sorry, OP. I would be so hurt and angry about this, that he bought a woman's body to ogle and perv on.

I would lose respect for him, big time.

With lap dance clubs is it the naked women or the money spent that bothers people. Or is it the idea that there is some sort of intent involved with the lap dancer? Do you feel the same if on holiday a woman on the beach/pool decides to sunbathe topless? Just curious.

Do you feel the same if on holiday a woman on the beach/pool decides to sunbathe topless?

Is her intent sexual titillation? Extremely unlikely.

Is there physical contact between her and men who are not partner - no.

Is there one on one interaction between her and men who are her partner on the subject of the above sexual titillation - no.

Not sure what the comparison is for ..... The only thing it has in common is bared breasts, is that why you chose it?

Breast feeding mothers have to semi bare their breasts - why was it not raised if we're for for random bare breast comparisons that gave nothing to do with strip tease and lap dancing??

Hug

Because I have recently returned from Spain and heard a huge argument from the couple in the next room regarding her husband looking at naked boobs around the pool. (I'd noticed the topless woman myself she looked like a model and felt abit jealous but realise those feelings are mine to deal with and not my husbands) Some comments on here have suggested looking at an attractive woman is cheating.. that really makes no sense.
It seems a shame to me that a marriage could end over a lap dance. It's just not something that would bother me but maybe that's because I've worked in one (barmaid) I haven't read all of the responses but think op mentioned how she is now comparing herself to a young fit dancer, all I can say is a lot of effort goes in to looking that way. Most would turn up to work looking like your average woman who has just finished a morning shift in Tesco and needs some easy cash in hand money.
My best friend is a dancer, she has the same insecurities as everyone else.. she really isn't trying to tempt anyone's husband into running away with her.

Its about boundaries and appropriateness.

Men BUYING sexual activity with women that are not their partner when they are in committed relationships.

It demeans women and it demeans the relationship - and it is borne of the idea that men are The Main Event and women are secondary, for men's enjoyment and pleasure, and that What The Man Wants is more important, and if he wants some light weight sexual titillation from a woman for a few quid, he is entitled to it and to hell with the sexual and intimate sanctity of his relationship with a woman that loves him.

I would lose respect for a man like that. If I ever had any in the first place.

I get it, everyone has different boundaries. I ended a relationship years ago because my boyfriend told me he had slept with prostitutes in Thailand, years before he met me. I was devastated because I really loved him but find men using women in this way disgusting.
I don't feel as strongly about lap dances. Maybe because of working in that environment and knowing women who do it. I spoke to my husband about this thread, he said he would be really pissed if I had a one on one magic Mike type thing, I had no idea that would have bothered him. Was ops husband aware of her opinion before going?

"Do you feel the same if on holiday a woman on the beach/pool decides to sunbathe topless?"

Is she a potentially trafficked or exploited woman doing it for money? No? Then no I don't.

Switch it around, with lap dance clubs what is it that makes it different?

If a woman in committed monogamous relationship where they don't have sexual encounters with anyone else and they don't want their partner to either, why is it so mind boggling that that would also extend to lap dances? Why is it suddenly supposed to be ok because they pay for it or because they do it because of 'peer pressure' and wanting to be one of the lads?

Most seem to have a problem if their husbands/partners were to pay for a cam girl to perform for them, but put the girl on his lap and women are not supposed to consider it to be cheating or have a problem with it.

@Elizadoloads and yet the men who frequent these clubs would not want their wives/girlfriends to work as a lap dancer