Dh had a lapdance. I feel broken

[Rabbithole90]

I always thought I would be ok if he ever did it. Never goaded him doing it whatsoever or encouraged but he's come home from a stag do and spent OUR money on it. £40.

I feel cheated on. I know I've not been. But I can't help how I feel. I'm so upset

A bit of fun.

Are you female? Genuinely, what is fun about this?

Are you serious? I can look at a woman and think she's attractive without getting sexually aroused or indulging in any fantasies, let alone start considering cheating on my partner. Pretty much the same as when I walk into a bakery I don't immediately dive over the counter and start stuffing my face with cakes.

This is surely a joke?!!!!!:-)

This. ^ I can't believe the over reaction on here from almost ALL of the posters. Including the OP.

The man had a £40 'lap dance.' I don't see the problem really. The woman giving him this 'lapdance' would not have done much for £40. FFS get a grip everyone!

There’ll be a load of people telling you it doesn’t matter and it’s just what men do.

But it’s not. There are plenty of men who wouldn’t dream of doing it and I would really lose respect for a man who went to a strip club.

I’d be upset too OP.

Hahaha really?!

Why did you have them if they're not erotic or sexy?

From the OP it seems like there was a misunderstanding of each others boundaries in the relationship.

Some boundaries don't need discussed in a relationship.
You don't assume your partner is ok with you having intimate eyefuls and contact with other people: even if they are inside a strip club.

Some men will purposefully "misunderstand" boundaries.

They would not misunderstand boundaries if it was their wife or partner doing it to them

It is definitely very hurtful of him, I think you need to sit down with him and have a heart to heart. Whether you can move past this depends on if he's truly sorry and if you can ever forgive it. He will need to earn trust again

A few weeks ago we see a post about a woman sucking a stripper's cock, she's advised to keep quiet and not tell her partner

Very selective reading of that thread, m dear.

Loads of posters told her it was shit and to tell him.

Tonnes

You just forget about them, eh?

Imagine every time you now have sex, you'll have that image in your mind, of him paying for pussy in his lap, and enjoying it,.
That's hard to get passed, sorry.

Would people who think it's just a bit of fun be ok if your DH was alone in a room with a woman from his work who got naked and started gyrating all over him? (At minimum)

Why is it different because it's a strippers job? Your DH isn't doing it because it's his job - he's doing it because he's sexually aroused. He's alone in a room with an erection while a naked woman practically dry humps him. If it being her job makes it ok, for that mean you'd be ok with him sleeping with a prostitute since that's the prostitutes job?

I totally get it if you're ok with your own DH getting lap dances. I totally get it if you're ok with your DH sleeping with other women or paying for pictures of feet or going dogging with his golf mates. We all make our own boundaries and they're all in different places.

Things like "DH can't look at other women" sound a bit strange to me, but if both parties agree and are on the same page then I just think cool, do what works best for you both.

But on these threads there's always people piping up saying that the idea of it being cheating is absolutely ridiculous. I just don't get it. Is it really that unbelievable that some people wouldn't be ok with their husband having foreplay with a stranger and paying for the pleasure out of your joint money?

It was over 30yr ago young and stupid.

Rubbish! I’m loved up but no harm in finding other people attractive ., you just don’t act on it!

That's going to go well for the rest of his earthly 🙄

If he walked into a party and there was a naked man on top of you, that you not only did not ask to get off but PAID for, how would he feel?

You have given this far too much headspace. What a comment to make.

And me!

Didn't go in, for one its not my scene at all, second I was lecturing at the local tech college at the time and was aware two of the girls I taught worked there in such a capacity and I really didn't need that!!

Wasn't opposed to naked women in my single student years of course, its human nature, never went to a strip club mind! - call me old fashioned, I caught the right girl for me and god willing won't be in the market place again so to speak.

But the idea of paying some girl to girate around on your lap is just plain weird / tacky to me, it certainly isn't sexy in any way in my mind.

Also, the naivety on this thread.

Men touch the lap dancers all the time. Some private dances end up with sex acts performed in the private rooms.

The people who think it’s ‘just a bit of fun’ need to actually think about it - naked women writhing on aroused men.

If someone’s partner/husband went to a party and let a woman do that no one would think it was a bit of fun so why it’s ok when paid for is beyond me.

I personally wouldn't assume a partner would be okay with that, no, but I've been a guest at enough weddings and heard enough best man speeches to know that at least some couples seem okay with this. It does seem like, as slimy as it, for some part of the populace this is expected/accepted on stag dos.

I couldnt stay with a man who thinks its ok to 'buy' a woman, whether its for a sexy dance or for sex itself. It speaks volumes about their opinions towards women in general. For that reason alone its a no.

Did you tell him beforehand that you didn’t want him to have a lap dance?

If so he’s BU.

But if you didn’t then I think you’re overreacting because most people wouldn’t have an issue with their DP getting a lap dance (it’s ok if you do) and so I don’t think you can blame him for doing something he didn’t realise was wrong.

You are also annoyed that he spent your joint money.
Does this mean you have a joint account and a separate account each?

If so I understand why you’d be so annoyed about him spending your money and I’d be getting him to replace it from his own account asap.

I'd be annoyed but it's not cheating. These girls do it for the money and the doormen make sure they're not touched. I knew a girl who was a lapdancer and she loved the money and laughed at the saddoes who paid her to give them a not so cheap thrill. And yes, I've seen male strippers at a hen do, it's not real life, it's just about the money.

Is it something you discussed beforehand, did he know you felt this way?
If he did I'd be annoyed but would try to move past it.
One of my good friends is a lapdancer not trafficked or forced, she does it for the easy money and it wouldn't bother me.
(Guess that makes me cool)
Perhaps he didn't realise you had such strong feelings on the subject. Just asked my DH and he said he wouldn't want me to go to a strip show, had no idea he gave a toss until tonight.