Dh had a lapdance. I feel broken

[Rabbithole90]

I always thought I would be ok if he ever did it. Never goaded him doing it whatsoever or encouraged but he's come home from a stag do and spent OUR money on it. £40.

I feel cheated on. I know I've not been. But I can't help how I feel. I'm so upset

@Indigotree do you honestly think that people who are in love never find other people attractive?

A few weeks ago we see a post about a woman sucking a stripper's cock, she's advised to keep quiet and not tell her partner

OP's husband has a lap dance and it's like the end of the world. He didn't have sex with her

So many fragile snowflakes on here

Nobody was injured, nobody died, it's just a bit of fun FFS

I wouldn't divorce him, that's a bit over the top. But I would be furious he spent the family money on something so grim.

@Greenshake - thankyou. I thought i was just me!

No.

Mine had his stag do yesterday. My god did I make clear that in no way was there to be any strip clubs or strippers involved as I consider it cheating, and that I expected Best Man to be made well aware

What did happen was they got him so bladdered he spent the last 3 hours of it throwing up. I wasn't impressed initially when he said he'd be staying at BM house however on learning that had been happening given I'm strongly emetophobic

I find men are so easily led and can't say no 🙄when I had my hen do there was no pressure to drink every single second, I even had a pint of water at one stage as I made sure to stagger drinks. It's like they feel they have a "reputation" to uphold and he didn't want to be seen as being lightweight 🙄 in yours case I bet you'll get some flimsy excuse about how all the others did it.

I think what would hurt me most in your situation OP is that he knew you didn't want him to do it but he still went and did it. Then asking why you're being off, think I'd be replying "I think it's obvious, don't you". The fact he used joint account money and didn't even have the "decency" to use his own money would make me even more angry.

I wouldn't feel cheated on as such, but I wouldn't want to be with a man who thinks women/consent can be bought

This is the most mental thing I've ever read.

@mommatoone don’t worry, I am completely there with you! You have to laugh at some of the posters on here who don’t understand there is a whole world full of complexities outside of their little bubbles.

It's completely ridiculous to say that anyone who wouldn't end their marriage over this is a "cool girl".

I have no idea how I'd feel, other than repulsed - though I wouldn't marry the kind of man who'd have friends who have that kind of stag do in the first place. Given what I know about the unique hellhole of divorce, though, I might well opt for not leaving someone over this despite thinking it's repellent.

Strip clubs are bleak, but they're also doubly-exploitative money sinks. He's lucky he got out spending only £40. The mandatory drinks for his table will probably have cost more than that.

From the OP it seems like there was a misunderstanding of each others boundaries in the relationship. You need to have an honest conversation. Get on the same page again. Doesn't need to go nuclear. Don't stew on it.

Ps the reason I made so clear I was absolutely not ok with strippers etc is that I consider it cheating

Like I say it's the fact you explained to him your red lines and he completely disrespected your wishes

OP, when you said you thought you'd be ok with it, but you didn't encourage it..... and he now doesn't know why you are being off, it sounds like you may have said to him that it would be ok?

Is that the case? That's ok - you have every right to change your mind, and your feelings matter, and when you have the chance to talk about it, he should care deeply,.....but it does change the severity of what he has done - from cheating/ breaking an agreed boundary to being unwise/ thinking what he was doing was ok.

If you didn't say it would be ok, then he should definitely have checked with you.

And if you actively told him in advance you were not ok with it, then he's definitely betrayed you, and you have every right to be angry.

Oh not another one... gross. Sorry.

Seriously?

It's not nice. You feel disrespected. I'd hate it. However. People do stupid things on stag do's. I know he didn't have to follow the crowd but sometimes you get caught up in it when you've had a drink. Please don't rush into anything.

If you're in love, it isn't normal to be attracted to other people

Christ someone's done a number on you haven't they? Who told you that? Of course it's normal to look at people in the world and to think 'ooh he's very handsome' or words to that effect, so long as that's as far as it goes.

To the OP; you say you always thought you'd be cool with it, had you ever had that conversation with him? If you have, then you can't go in guns blazing, talking about cheating and threatening divorce. What you can do is calmly make it crystal clear that you don't feel like you thought you would, you're very hurt and you're asking that he never does it again. If he doesn't respond well to that, there are bigger problems than the lap dance. Oh and you want the £40 back in the family pot post haste, cheeky fucker.

@MadCatLady27 some big generalisations there…..

I would consider it cheating as well. But my DH wouldn’t think that he would want a naked woman grinding on him.

I’m certainly not a “cool girl” but I definitely wouldn’t immediately end a marriage with kids over this.

You have to look at the bigger picture, is he otherwise a good man and a good father, and he’s just gotten swept away on a drunken night out? Did he know how you’d react? The fact that he’s told you - is that because he’s feeling bad about it or because he’s rubbing your face in it? Is this a pattern of shitty behaviour, or is he usually respectful?

My husband is a good man, and if this somehow happened of an evening, it would trigger a serious conversation (mainly from a feminist point of view!), but if he’s a good man, then this is not a dealbreaker for me.

I've had lap dances when I was a lot younger and single, their not that erotic or sexy end of 20minute dance, peck on cheek and dancer is off to look for the next punter to be parted with money. And I daresay when the dancer is performing she thinking of what she's doing at end of shift at home. 2 min dance not 20.

Did you say this when in there or did you not go in?

I agreee it's gross. But as a man why did you think it was... truthfully. Surely naked women are quite exciting (morals aside)?

He's asking me why I'm being off.

Go and get a lap dance equivalent off a hung male stripper (mine wrapped his dick around my arm) and see if he understands why you're being "off".

Except it wouldn't be the same because you only did it be sure he did it.

It depends on what relationship you have. I'd be fine with this. I understand you're upset tho

This is an individual thing and your response is understandable, OP, but so are a range of responses. There is no one "correct" way to think or feel or act. It happened to me early in in my marriage. I was not devastated or particularly upset as I didn't think it had any reflection on our relationship, and I didn't consider it "cheating" - that would be kissing / having sex with someone else, in my view. I don't think this makes me "cool", just someone who had a different view to some of the people commenting here. I don't think it's the same as doing it with any other woman as everybody involved knows there is no suggestion or prospect of a relationship developing.
Tbh I suspect that many of us who wouldn't be that bothered, don't post because who wants to then have people sneering that you're a "cool girl"?
What matters is that your partner understands what is acceptable to YOU, and vice versa.
If you're otherwise happy and have children then personally I think it would be a great shame to leave or destabilise the marriage over this. Make it clear that you're really pissed off and it's not too happen again, and move on with your life. If it happens again, THEN that's a bigger issue.
Nb the marriage lasted 20 years, and this incident near the start had no connection to the eventual split.