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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Think I need to leave .....

257 replies

Eteiene · 24/07/2023 18:55

I'm torn between thinking I'm over reacting to all this ( and it'll just blow over) or it's down to "stress"/ depression ....or I don't know what ..

And thinking I need to leave my relationship..

It gets complicated looking for outside help or support from local women's aid as ironically my husband works ( and therefore has friends and colleagues) in a connected area ..so I feel even more trapped...

I'm wondering if I'm being oversensitive and melodramatic to think his behaviour is "abusive" but there have been lots of things that have happened over the years ( and escalated lately) that make me question it ...

Of course any time I've raised how I've felt about any of the behaviour ( silent treatment for days/ weeks on end, sulking, mocking/ rolling eyes, passive aggressive comments , swearing and storming off when things have happened that are frustrating but he takes as intentional and " to get at him" ( eg if I've lost something, dropped something, need to go back in the house to grab something I've forgotten, lots of other examples but that level of things ...I think he thinks I'm an idiot ...)

There's been a handful of times he has grabbed things off me when angry and then if I've been upset he's got even more angry and silent..and then blamed me like I'm stupid for being upset ...or like he'll suddenly change and be seethingly angry if I get in the car and drive in silence then he'll be all nice to people we are going to see .... Or I'll hear him on a work call all jolly and chatty and he won't say more than 2 words to me all evening I get short, clipped angry replies and "nothing" if I ask what's wrong ...

Everything I do I feel is wrong or I'm second guessing myself ...there's lots more examples but don't want to "out" myself publicly ....not that I think he'd be looking on Mumsnet but I don't know what anything anymore really ...

I don't easily have anywhere that I can go and I'm worried I'm just making a big deal out of nothing ...

But the feeling in the pit of my stomach everyday when I hear his keys in the door ...I don't know ...

OP posts:
HappyintheHills · 11/09/2023 17:27

Eteiene · 11/09/2023 16:07

I'm sorry you know this too :( and I think the idea of being able to finally breathe is keeping me going, I just feel awful planning this...

Show quote history

Thanks - my life’s moved on from all of that now. That’s how and why and I encourage you.
You feel awful because you’re a decent person, he doesn’t because he’s not.

Original poster
Eteiene · 11/09/2023 20:29

HappyintheHills · 11/09/2023 17:27

Thanks - my life’s moved on from all of that now. That’s how and why and I encourage you.
You feel awful because you’re a decent person, he doesn’t because he’s not.

Show quote history

I'm really happy that things have moved on for you now. I'm hanging onto the thought and idea of the peace that comes on the other side of this... hard as that is. It just feels like a rollercoaster right at the moment ....

OP posts:
Pixiedust1234 · 11/09/2023 22:24

and I think the idea of being able to finally breathe is keeping me going, I just feel awful planning this...
If he hadn't treated you badly then you wouldn't be planning this. Stop thinking you are awful or mean or whatever and put it squarely back on him. That's how I managed to keep going. I tried and tried and tried and none of it was good enough. I wasn't good enough. Even if you don't want to put it back on him then maybe start thinking this relationship is too toxic for you both and you are doing the kindest thing by ending it. You got this Flowers

Startnew23 · 15/09/2023 02:49

So just a little update, I posted in here around early august as I was in the same situation. I was at breaking point and at my brothers … it’s happed before and because of the boys I go back… but this time I haven’t and it’s now 8 weeks down the line and the difference in me is absolutely huge. I can breathe, I walk differently and feel alive. It’s been far from easy and it won’t be easy selling the house and getting somewhere else and splitting the financial stuff but by god nothing can be as hard as the thought of being back there. You will be absolutely fine, 8 weeks in you’ll have clarity and like me wonder why it took so long to leave the living hell. Good luck, keep planning, get out.

Pixiedust1234 · 15/09/2023 11:13

What a lovely update Startnew, and is the sort of thing we all need to hear more often Flowers

How are you doing OP?

Original poster
Eteiene · 15/09/2023 12:15

Startnew23 · 15/09/2023 02:49

So just a little update, I posted in here around early august as I was in the same situation. I was at breaking point and at my brothers … it’s happed before and because of the boys I go back… but this time I haven’t and it’s now 8 weeks down the line and the difference in me is absolutely huge. I can breathe, I walk differently and feel alive. It’s been far from easy and it won’t be easy selling the house and getting somewhere else and splitting the financial stuff but by god nothing can be as hard as the thought of being back there. You will be absolutely fine, 8 weeks in you’ll have clarity and like me wonder why it took so long to leave the living hell. Good luck, keep planning, get out.

That is a lovely update @Startnew23 ...
I'm so so glad you've been able to get, and stay out ..
I'm almost there ... it's just the final push of doing it now that feels terrifying , all the what ifs and unknowns ... but like you say I think the terror of staying and living like this outweighs how hard it will be to leave ...
I'm so glad things are starting to feel clearer for you . I hear finances, house etc will be really tricky to sort but good you are feeling stronger in yourself .
Etiene x

OP posts:
Original poster
Eteiene · 15/09/2023 14:07

Pixiedust1234 · 15/09/2023 11:13

What a lovely update Startnew, and is the sort of thing we all need to hear more often Flowers

How are you doing OP?

Definitely need to hear the "out the other side " stories, it really helps ..
I'm okay @Pixiedust1234 just trying to psych myself up for how things are likely to be once I have the conversation ...nearly there tho ...

OP posts:
Original poster
Eteiene · 15/09/2023 14:08

@Pixiedust1234
How's everything going your side of things?

OP posts:
Pixiedust1234 · 15/09/2023 15:49

Hah, it's not. He was fine about the divorce. He was fine about selling the house. He's even fine about continuing to pay the bills until it's sold. No arguments or shouting at all. But what I forgot to factor in is his barefaced lies and general laziness. The lies where he agrees to do something, then doesn't. And when you remind him he gets shirty and disagreeable. He hasn't even opened the letter from the courts despite knowing he has to respond in 14 days. Hasn't even contacted his pension providers despite knowing the court will need those figures 🙄

But apart from that I'm doing okay 😤😂

Keep posting, we are by your side Flowers

Original poster
Eteiene · 15/09/2023 20:08

@Pixiedust1234
Oh that's tough ... . it's a different kind of avoidance ...I suspect here it will be more explosive, but I have no way of predicting anymore!!

OP posts:
Pixiedust1234 · 23/09/2023 22:03

How are you doing @Eteiene ? Still plodding on quietly in the background I hope Flowers

Original poster
Eteiene · 24/09/2023 16:15

Hi @Pixiedust1234
Yes still plodding on , feel like I change direction in my head about a thousand times a day .... it's just holding my nerve for this next part...

OP posts:
Original poster
Eteiene · 12/10/2023 21:33

I wanted to post to say thank you to everyone. . I am put , with all things important. There's a lot more to it than that short sentence but that's the main thing ......
I definitely wouldn't have got as far as opening up IRL to people who could help had it not been for being able to figure some of it out first here , so thank you to everyoeine who has read and replied
I'm not sure how I feel yet. Lots of conflicting feelings and thoughts ...
Eteiene x

OP posts:
Original poster
Eteiene · 12/10/2023 21:33

*out that should say!

OP posts:
Pixiedust1234 · 12/10/2023 21:41

Out and safe?

Been thinking (and worrying) about you so it's good to see you post. Well done, and keep posting even if it's only for a record of your journey Flowers❤

Original poster
Eteiene · 12/10/2023 22:18

Hi @Pixiedust1234
Yes , out and safe ....
Emotionally its been a lot ... the usual I suppose of anger, tears, promises ..
I'm feeling ( psychologically) pretty battered and bruised and trying to keep strong ...
How are you doing?

OP posts:
billy1966 · 12/10/2023 22:26

Delighted to read this.
Well done OP.

I hope you are doing ok @Pixiedust1234 too.

JibbaJab · 12/10/2023 22:53

Well done and glad you are doing okay. Things will feel better with time.

Pixiedust1234 · 13/10/2023 00:51

Take time to breathe and heal. Look after yourself. A lot of things can wait. So happy for you though Flowers

I'm stuck in no man's land of 20 weeks and a DH making excuses to delay finding out his multiple pension funds. I shouldn't be surprised about it, I normally do the life admin and he normally prevaricates and lies. Trying to work out my best move for after Christmas when the 20 weeks are up. Think I might just go for my share of the house and run tbh, dont think I can live with him much longer.

Original poster
Eteiene · 13/10/2023 11:17

Thank you @billy1966 and @JibbaJab and thank you for your support both of you ❤️

OP posts:
Original poster
Eteiene · 13/10/2023 15:58

Pixiedust1234 · 13/10/2023 00:51

Take time to breathe and heal. Look after yourself. A lot of things can wait. So happy for you though Flowers

I'm stuck in no man's land of 20 weeks and a DH making excuses to delay finding out his multiple pension funds. I shouldn't be surprised about it, I normally do the life admin and he normally prevaricates and lies. Trying to work out my best move for after Christmas when the 20 weeks are up. Think I might just go for my share of the house and run tbh, dont think I can live with him much longer.

Thank you @Pixiedust1234
I'm utterly exhausted with it all.... and my head is spinning a bit with where next so concentrating on one foot in front of the other.
I'm sorry things are feeling so delayed and difficult your side too ... is there any respite at all in those 20 weeks? any weekends away (seperately) planned or friends/ visits?
I hope you are able to get some support in this ...
x

OP posts:
Pixiedust1234 · 13/10/2023 21:08

No, I'm disabled so no money of my own. That's the main reason for me leaving as I have to rely on him for food and there have been times I've gone hungry. Many times actually but I try not to dwell. No family or friends, and I no longer have my support worker. I'm stuck until the house is sold but at least there will be an end in sight. I'm okay-ish with that. I do feel a lot stronger now the process has started, just a bit lost/angry at times.

I'm utterly exhausted with it all.... and my head is spinning a bit with where next so concentrating on one foot in front of the other.
Anything we can help you unscramble? Otherwise I offer the usual crap platitudes. Long, deep baths, a good book, walks and hot chocolate to help rebalance you. Plenty of sleep, good food or a decent multivitamin ❤

RandomMess · 13/10/2023 21:41

Hugs, you've done so well to leave.

Keep on keeping on Flowers

Original poster
Eteiene · 15/10/2023 21:16

Pixiedust1234 · 13/10/2023 21:08

No, I'm disabled so no money of my own. That's the main reason for me leaving as I have to rely on him for food and there have been times I've gone hungry. Many times actually but I try not to dwell. No family or friends, and I no longer have my support worker. I'm stuck until the house is sold but at least there will be an end in sight. I'm okay-ish with that. I do feel a lot stronger now the process has started, just a bit lost/angry at times.

I'm utterly exhausted with it all.... and my head is spinning a bit with where next so concentrating on one foot in front of the other.
Anything we can help you unscramble? Otherwise I offer the usual crap platitudes. Long, deep baths, a good book, walks and hot chocolate to help rebalance you. Plenty of sleep, good food or a decent multivitamin ❤

I'm glad 6iy are feeling stringer and ckeare4 re next steps, though I'm sorry you're in this situation to begin with :(

Anyone health wise (gp/District nursing etc) that might be able to support during this hext part?
Sending hugs x

OP posts:
Original poster
Eteiene · 15/10/2023 21:20

@Pixiedust1234
Re: unscramble-ing ,...... those are good suggestions and ones I'm trying to implement for sure! At least once a day ..... exercise/ movement, bath/ book/ breathing, cuppa in peace etc...
Thos week has a few challenges ( where will need to have some discussions and time together re next steps. .....so will try and build those things in. ......

OP posts: