Think I need to leave .....

[Eteiene]

I'm torn between thinking I'm over reacting to all this ( and it'll just blow over) or it's down to "stress"/ depression ....or I don't know what ..

And thinking I need to leave my relationship..

It gets complicated looking for outside help or support from local women's aid as ironically my husband works ( and therefore has friends and colleagues) in a connected area ..so I feel even more trapped...

I'm wondering if I'm being oversensitive and melodramatic to think his behaviour is "abusive" but there have been lots of things that have happened over the years ( and escalated lately) that make me question it ...

Of course any time I've raised how I've felt about any of the behaviour ( silent treatment for days/ weeks on end, sulking, mocking/ rolling eyes, passive aggressive comments , swearing and storming off when things have happened that are frustrating but he takes as intentional and " to get at him" ( eg if I've lost something, dropped something, need to go back in the house to grab something I've forgotten, lots of other examples but that level of things ...I think he thinks I'm an idiot ...)

There's been a handful of times he has grabbed things off me when angry and then if I've been upset he's got even more angry and silent..and then blamed me like I'm stupid for being upset ...or like he'll suddenly change and be seethingly angry if I get in the car and drive in silence then he'll be all nice to people we are going to see .... Or I'll hear him on a work call all jolly and chatty and he won't say more than 2 words to me all evening I get short, clipped angry replies and "nothing" if I ask what's wrong ...

Everything I do I feel is wrong or I'm second guessing myself ...there's lots more examples but don't want to "out" myself publicly ....not that I think he'd be looking on Mumsnet but I don't know what anything anymore really ...

I don't easily have anywhere that I can go and I'm worried I'm just making a big deal out of nothing ...

But the feeling in the pit of my stomach everyday when I hear his keys in the door ...I don't know ...

Thank you @Pixiedust1234 , I didn't see the post before it was deleted... appreciate it..

I went to see a couple of places (one of which I could move into with the dogs) ... I feel so close to being out and so conflicted.... like I'm sabotaging myself and my chances of getting out by chickening out. I just feel like there hasn't been any real awful silent treatment for a little while and start questioning whether anything that happened was actually that bad... Especially with the rental market like it is at the moment and adding in the complications of pets (properties are getting oversubscribed with viewings within hours or people snapping them up without even seeing them) .... I feel like I have such narrow/ limited windows of opportunities....but am equally terrified!...

it sounds like you aren't there yet. And thats fine. Keep looking at houses (even if only on rightmove), keep saving, keep watching him. One day it will feeling totally right.

Thank you@Pixiedust1234
I know..... I think the problem too is that I get almost there... and then I start guessing myself/ hoping it'll get better or I can say or do something in the "right" way to make him realise what has been happening/ change things (I've spent a good 8months this year since the last time I was determined I was leaving)
I'm starting to question whether it will ever feel "totally" right or whether my head is so totally screwed by it all that I need to go for anything over 51% !! I worry if I don't DO something I'll be years down the line and a shell of myself unable to move ...........

Hope you are doing okay? I know you were planning on a conversation soon ......

I had it planned for Thursday but something happened, then Friday but DC had the day off. So I planned for today but some little things hadn't yet been done...so tomorrow is the day. Maybe.

I did do a stupid thing yesterday though. I confided in a sibling that I was ready to leave and I really really shouldn't have. I ended up telling him that he wasn't listening to what I said, that officially I was classed as being abused, that sometimes I had no food/money and his answer was...well, I think you should stay. Or buy a houseboat. Or get an interest free mortgage (despite me not having a job). Apparently refusing to speak to the bank, or getting a houseboat or renting (no job) was me putting up ridiculous obstacles so maybe I should stay. There was zero empathy, I'm still upset over 24 hrs later.

What I have noticed though. The males (3) that are aware think I'm over reacting and once I calm down and look at the marriage objectively I will be fine and therefore i should stay. Every single female (over twenty now of various occupations) has said I believe you, let's see if I can help in some way.

You seem to be where I was 4 months ago. Nearly there but not quite. My main problem was lack of funds but also waiting for the big blowout. I've reached the point now where there won't be a blowout because actually I don't care anymore. I walk out of the room when he starts having tantrums. I'm ready but now it I need to physically down, face him, and open my mouth. Today I have been so calm, no anxiety. It's surreal. Maybe that's where you need to be too.

Oof, sorry, that's a bit of an essay 😳

@Pixiedust1234

What I have noticed though. The males (3) that are aware think I'm over reacting and once I calm down and look at the marriage objectively I will be fine and therefore i should stay. Every single female (over twenty now of various occupations) has said I believe you, let's see if I can help in some way.

This doesn't surprise me at all, sadly. 🌹

@Pixiedust1234 You know what's weird, I had the total opposite experience with guys in my family, likely because I am one. Yet, they totally ignore others who are in a similar situation that are women...the hypocrisy is unreal.

Sorry you had that, though. Unfortunately, some just don't understand and even those who are supportive with me still don't really get it. They understand physical but the other types just doesn't compute, except for the women they all understand, of course.

What exactly would a houseboat accomplish...what a weird suggestion.

Sounds like you're in a state like I have been for the last month. Although mine was all arse about face and I'm already away but more to do with the children contact now. Rather than anxious over what's happened, worrying about her for some reason. I'm gone. I don't care, I've checked out and on autopilot. I'll do whatever it takes to see my children again. Like heads taken enough, saying, no more.

I wish you all the best and hope everything goes smoothly and works out well for you. Keep your head up.

@Pixiedust1234
I don't think it's stupid at all to want to confide in those close to us (especially in the hope they can help or offer at least some emotional support) . I'm sorry you didn't get that.

For what it's worth on chatting with several friends and one family member the response has been so vastly different to knowing the same information (everything from focusing on him/ his needs/ minimising) to "OMG get out now") , that it's probably confused me even more... I feel like it's been hard to really hear my own thoughts/ voice in it all .. ... but that doesn't mean it was wrong to seek support.

I hope you are able to have the conversation soon .

I'm not sure if I'm actually waiting for a big blowout anymore or just more wondering what my life will be like in 6 months or a year if I stay feeling like I am now.... I feel so far away from who I was... like I've been flattened...

Thank you once again. I'm going to put it here because today doesn't seem real and tomorrow I'm going to wake up in the shower 😂

I've told him I'm done. Done with the house, the garden, all of this. I told him I didn't want to argue but wanted to go our separate ways and I feel he's done too. He said yes. So...I asked about the practicalities, and whether to talk tomorrow or later, he said tomorrow. Deep breath!! Tomorrow will bring the arguments as I know he thinks the house is his.

What exactly would a houseboat accomplish...what a weird suggestion.
He's looking to buy one for himself. He mainly needs to leave his house because it's literally falling apart due to his hoarding tendencies. He feels i should buy one since I cant move out until the house is sold. Basically the entire conversation kept going back to him whilst telling me to stay and um....not to rock the (marriage) boat.

Yeah. I did that bad pun. Sue me 😂

I'm not sure if I'm actually waiting for a big blowout anymore or just more wondering what my life will be like in 6 months or a year if I stay feeling like I am now.... I feel so far away from who I was... like I've been flattened...

Yes, I felt that. As if all the joy was sucked out and replaced by nothingness. Eventually you will give yourself a little shake and tell yourself this is not good enough, you are entitled to a half decent life too, and then he will do yet another idiotic thing that gets you annoyed. Not angry, just a roll of eyes with a muttered ffs, not again. Each one will bring you closer to your tipping point.

Amazing @Pixiedust1234
Well done on having the courage to have the conversation. I still feel I am nowhere near... mainly out of fear and feeling frozen rather than it not feeling the right thing to do ... I hope the next conversations go as smoothly as they can - don't forget if things escalate to have a plan of where you could go , have phone on you etc..

yep - the joy sucked out is pretty much where I am right now - I feel defeated and like I haven't got the energy to get back up and do another "round" (so to speak) . I feel as soon as I initiated any kind of shift, change , conversation (Whether I did it as a wanting to have another conversation before I decide for good I'm out, or telling him I'm going, I feel like it will all kick off again and I'm still exhausted....)

I need to keep reminding myself though that no one else is going to come and save me or do this for me.... I need to think carefully but not for so long that by the time I get round to it . I've lost myself in the process....

How are you doing @Pixiedust1234 ?

I need to keep reminding myself though that no one else is going to come and save me or do this for me
Exactly. I had at least four months of wanting my mum to come and help me (been dead ten years). It's a really weird feeling.

No update. He's done avoidance techniques, woke up late, extra long shower, gone to supermarket for "essentials" back half hour then off to chippy for dinner, and now getting ready to work nights. I did manage to say are we doing the practical talk tomorrow then and he said yes. Both of us have been extra polite 😂

@Pixiedust1234 Oh I hear you! on the wishing for my mum (god love her she loves me but she would probably not help in this situation) to help and the avoidance techniques to any discussion.... I hope you manage something soon .

How are you doing @Pixiedust1234 ? I hope you are okay after big conversations,...

I am so near to sorting a "get out" but feel very conflicted and torn .... I feel like the most horrible person in the world even considering leaving (I know people leave relationships all the time, but I'm also so convinced that MH is a huge issue here) . It's like I forget all of what has happened and the fire in my belly after an "incident" and I minimize/ tell myself that maybe it wasn't that bad or intended that way.......... (and I ignore the impact on myself) . I am taking tiiiiiny examples of things (eg. saying hello or a response to a message) as "proof" I am being awful and it is nothing more than a "rough patch" , and yet at the same time I am putting one foot in front of the other in terms of getting out and reaching out to friends much more widely and honestly than I ever have before (none of whom think I'm over-reacting, most of whom have echoed a "get out now, come to me in an emergency if you need" message) .

I might stop/ change counselling too as I feel the "relationship/ what is the other person feeling/ how might they react" is unhelpful..... maybe that's me being horrible (And not considering his needs ) but I feel worse after....... I just know his version would be that I only hear what I want to hear or go and seek advice that will chime in with how I want to see things.......

Just posting for encouragement I guess and knowing there are others in this weird space of feeling confident and 100 percent one minute and then the next questioning perception of everything........

Despite all those

sorry obviously didn't finish that post!
Despite all those red flags (Which I DO know are there) and incidents which if I saw them happening to a friend or family member would tell them to get out and THEN do the thinking /analyzing / planning.

It feels so difficult to do in reality........

Eteiene.

Hang on in there with your plans. He IS abusive, he IS eroding your sense of self. (And evenif he wasn’t the fact that you are this unhappy and uncomfortable in this relationship is enough reason to go)

Im another one in a similar situation, another one questioning if its me. Its a cognitive dissonance at its worst. I work with mine, and I have people telling me he is behaving awfully, because they see it, yet being really friendly with him and choosing his company which is a real headf*ck because then I also have a ‘do they want me out of the way so they can move in there’ paranoia too.

Rooting for you, and following with interest.

I might stop/ change counselling too as I feel the "relationship/ what is the other person feeling/ how might they react" is unhelpful..... maybe that's me being horrible (And not considering his needs ) but I feel worse after.
Why aren't you putting your needs and wants first? Who has told you to put his feelings first? You don't have to be mean about it but I think it's time you stopped that. Is he putting you first? No, of course not probably never has. (And yes, I did the same hand wringing in the beginning so I do hear you. Be kind with your words but be firm and be fair. Anything else is on him to resolve.

I'm doing okay. We've not got to the nitty gritty talk of percentages but he seems acceptance of knowing the house will be sold and pensions looked at. But there was something I hadn't factored in. He is so unbelievably lazy and selfish even from the beginning of our relationship (blame my upbringing for not seeing that red flag) but I think he expects me to do it all. I've literally just done the online application because "he doesn't know what to do" despite me telling him to read the govt website. I made sure it was solo and not joint. Dont want him buggering it up through laziness 🙄

You sound strong @Pixiedust1234
Although I'm sorry he is dragging his feet on it ...amazing you have been able to start the process and have the conversation....

In terms of whose told me to put his needs/ feelings first it's been a combination of some of the things he's said and done ( ie everything being "proof" that I'm not doing this) ....and I guess counselling has been a lot of " trying to see it from his perspective") thinking through how he might react when I say I'm going ( it came from me starting the conversation saying I felt frightened of the reaction) ...

@KomodoDodo That's a really tough position to be in and I know how hard it is when others are seemingly being nice to them ...or about them ...
I'm keeping going with my plans. . Though I feel wretched in lots of ways ... But I know I need to get out too. .I hope you have some support in dealing with this too
x

I am feeling stronger. I think I have realised the absolute ridiculousness of it all. I realised after I posted i missed a section out. Part of his MO is refusing to ask questions ever (or apologise) so he stands in my way very close, with a very sad bloodhound look. Since I can't get past him I have to ask what he wants. He seems unable to download or copy D8 (financials) and is wandering around like a lost puppy. Once I would have felt sorry for him, once I would have been proud of my organisational skills getting it for him copied etc, now I see him for what he is. It's like a second light bulb moment and feels very strange.

In terms of whose told me to put his needs/ feelings first it's been a combination of some of the things he's said and done ( ie everything being "proof" that I'm not doing this) .
Well. Stop listening to him. He doesn't get to tell you how you should live or feel. As long as you aren't being deliberately nasty you don't need to consider how he feels. He doesn't consider you.

and I guess counselling has been a lot of " trying to see it from his perspective") thinking through how he might react when I say I'm going ( it came from me starting the conversation saying I felt frightened of the reaction) ...
It's good to explore that side. I did it too. You need to consider all the different ways he could react and have plans A, B and C in place for every single one. But there comes a point where you have done all that so to continue going over it again and again starts to cause anxiety. And that is when you need to stop.

Go over your exit plans one last time, viewing it as an outsider. Make sure your financials are copied etc, tell any friends/family a date, then deep breath. If I hadn't decided on a set date I wouldn't have had the courage to do this. Mine coincided with him going away for a weekend as that gave us thinking space. Could you book a night away with friends or something then talk to him the day before? I did one talk about it not working and want to leave and assumed he did too, that I didn't want to fight or blame, then the break, next talk was about practicalities of bills and house. So far so good but once it gets to discussing assets he might change. I'm ready for it as I have already seen a solicitor about my legal rights.

Ooof long post again. I'm getting the pompoms out in readiness for you, it sounds like you are nearly there

Thank you @Pixiedust1234
I'm so glad you are feeling stronger and able to keep focus on your needs in this , well done!

No I'm not being mean ( I don't think anyway) but I find it so hard to trust my judgement at the moment ...and the thought of his reaction ( even tho I genuinely can't predict which way it might go) makes me panic ...

I have ...sort of an exit plan ... I have somewhere to go but not for a few weeks so need to keep my head down till then ...but as to getting me and the dogs and my stuff and telling him ... I need to figure all that out still ...

But at that stage. .. absolutely pompoms at the ready!...

That's good that you have somewhere else to go! In the meantime would any of your friends store personal and sentimental items? I recall another poster trying to leave and she got a lot of her stuff out under the pretence of spring clean/decluttering sessions. She put a weeks worth of clothing in a suitcase ready to go but hidden in the spare room. He didn't twig.

Glad to hear you are both well still and things are progressing. Keep heads up and stay strong!