Think I need to leave .....

[Eteiene]

I'm torn between thinking I'm over reacting to all this ( and it'll just blow over) or it's down to "stress"/ depression ....or I don't know what ..

And thinking I need to leave my relationship..

It gets complicated looking for outside help or support from local women's aid as ironically my husband works ( and therefore has friends and colleagues) in a connected area ..so I feel even more trapped...

I'm wondering if I'm being oversensitive and melodramatic to think his behaviour is "abusive" but there have been lots of things that have happened over the years ( and escalated lately) that make me question it ...

Of course any time I've raised how I've felt about any of the behaviour ( silent treatment for days/ weeks on end, sulking, mocking/ rolling eyes, passive aggressive comments , swearing and storming off when things have happened that are frustrating but he takes as intentional and " to get at him" ( eg if I've lost something, dropped something, need to go back in the house to grab something I've forgotten, lots of other examples but that level of things ...I think he thinks I'm an idiot ...)

There's been a handful of times he has grabbed things off me when angry and then if I've been upset he's got even more angry and silent..and then blamed me like I'm stupid for being upset ...or like he'll suddenly change and be seethingly angry if I get in the car and drive in silence then he'll be all nice to people we are going to see .... Or I'll hear him on a work call all jolly and chatty and he won't say more than 2 words to me all evening I get short, clipped angry replies and "nothing" if I ask what's wrong ...

Everything I do I feel is wrong or I'm second guessing myself ...there's lots more examples but don't want to "out" myself publicly ....not that I think he'd be looking on Mumsnet but I don't know what anything anymore really ...

I don't easily have anywhere that I can go and I'm worried I'm just making a big deal out of nothing ...

But the feeling in the pit of my stomach everyday when I hear his keys in the door ...I don't know ...

Hi @Eteiene ive been lurking on your post for a while and am in a very similar situation. DH ended up leaving yesterday. 9 years of the behaviour you describe, one toddler son. Pathetically the thing that made me finally take the plunge was getting diagnosed with cancer. I thought do I really want to have this life in ten years’ time? It’s not about what you ‘ought’ to think, whether what he does is explainable due to mental illness or stress. Or whether you can explain away why he’s upset about one particular way if you think really hard about it. It just comes down to are you happy? Is he making your life easier? Are you wasting so much brain space on him that you’ve forgotten what you actually enjoy? I felt like I’d lost myself completely at the end. I do really really miss him but as someone said higher up the thread the ‘absence of drama’ is such a relief, knowing that i am in control of the environment and atmosphere I live in. I hope it all works out for you.

Also to say, if you’re not there yet that is fine - you will be. I left for three days a few years ago, but it was so dramatic - it just felt different. When I did it this time it just felt like the fog had lifted and I felt calm. I think it does take a while sometimes (and I’ve had so many bloody posts on mumsnet over the years)

Thank you , and yes friends can take sentimental items that I need to keep somewhere else... it's definitely something I plan to sort...

@JibbaJab Thank you too .........still progressing forwards in some way or another.... scared about the next steps but I know it's what's needed...

Hi @Newbz1986
I'm so sorry you have had such a huge diagnosis, but you are right - thinking about the future and where things will be in 10 years time (or even 10 weeks or 10 months) if staying , can be a real eye opener..

I've never left before ... so I have no sense at all of how this will all play out ....and honestly I feel a bit numb to it all at the moment like it's not really happening...

just trying to keep on taking steps forward tho..

I've sorted somewhere to go - it's a few weeks off yet.... I could go and stay at friends from 2 weeks time if I needed to tho .... it kinda feels over-reacting/dramatic though as nothing has escalated .....
I'm not second guessing my decision as I know it's the right one, I'm just feeling guilty at how much it'll blow his life apart (even though I know I didn't start or "cause" this ...........I feel somehow that I haven't tried enough to fix it or get to the bottom of it or express how unhappy I am (I have done, it just hasn't been heard) .

Is that normal to feel when leaving ? These seem such silly questions to post on the internet, but for so many people from the outside they see this "Perfect" looking marriage............which is so far from the truth.......... (or friends who know how its Actually been see all the "bad" without the complexities that this is the person I thought I'd grow old with) .

I guess I'm posting too as an update for anyone else going through this that there is hope out there, people will help and step up in ways you never imagined, and it will be okay .........

I just need to navigate the next few weeks now....

Good to see your post, I've been wondering how you are.

Do you normally try to fix things so his life is better, even at the detriment of your life? Why? Were you raised to please others or is it something he has ground into you? There comes a point where another adult needs to look after themselves, and for your Ex that time is now. You need to start letting go. It is hard to do but you need to do it. Even parents let go of their child at some point.

Glad to hear you are well and have things in place.

Yes that is normal and like @Pixiedust1234 you may be like me where you are the fixer. I always put myself last and that's why I am in this mess, always have done since a child.

Like you all this time I have been away I've been all over the place, still wanting it not to be real, if only I can fix it. Well...I got called into police other day and I have heard her statement and it was appalling, full of lies. Accused me of things have done to me over the years and through this, which luckily I had evidence proving otherwise.

I cannot fix this one and I do not want to now.

Hi OP
I work at Womens Aid, you can talk with them/us, if you tell them your husband works in the sector they'll ensure your info doesn't get out if you tell them where he works if its linked..eg signposting/referrals. Everything is confidential (unless there's safeguarding issue).
Youre experiencing abuse in many forms. Contact womens aid for support and information on moving forward xxx

Thank you and hope you are doing okay too? I think the people pleasing/ puting his needs first has been partly a growing up thing ( for me) and partly how I've adapted to this relationship ....you are right tho about the letting go ....easier said than done and the guilt over him not being aware feels terrible ....
@JibbaJab
I'm so sorry you are going through this too...glad you have evidence to back you up, it's really hard going , on top of navigating the relationship breakdown itself ...

Thank you @Loubelle70
It means a lot to hear and I've been in touch ..but may get back in touch as things have shifted more with a plan in place and I'm worried I'll lose my nerve. ..... I feel like he is being nice today and I'm second guessing my experiences and wondering if it's a massive overreaction to leave ....even tho a part of me knows that's not the case.

@Eteiene Yeah, not sure if all over yet though still waiting for a decision...even though I can prove it's all lies still not nice being suspected. Hardest part is the children, just want to see them, been five months now.

They are nice OP if they feel a shift in your behaviour and know they've gone too far. They are nice again, for a while, until they think you're comfortable again, then the de valuing begins again. Its rinse repeat isnt it.

And heed my warning, they do not take well to rejection... hopefully yours will be a cleaner break than mine but just be prepared for the possibility. Cover your back, keep calm and don't react should it go that way.

Fingers crossed there's some clarity soon for you ...and I'm anticipating things getting much worse here once rejection is part of the mix ....

He’s only being nice because you are being ‘good’.
Trouble is that being ‘good’ isn't being yourself is it?
You are having to control and contort yourself to be acceptable in his eyes.
Thats not good for you, it’s not a sustainable way to be.

Rinse and repeat is about right , on a constant loop and it's been like this for years ( in much shorter and less perceptible cycles) ..... it's so much harder to feel like leaving is justified when there is enough "niceness" to make me question if it's all me ....

@Eteiene exactly! My ex did it. Initially there were long gaps between lovebombing then devaluing. At the end it was literally a couple days of lovebombing then weeks of devaluing, repeat repeat. You cant do this OP.. Get rid. Xxx

@Eteiene You'll be okay because you are aware of it, just keep everything that may unfold as evidence like I have and don't rise to anything and you will have that in case they start up. I mean mines more complicated because children involved and that's what this is all about but best just in case.

I wasn't aware of the cycle until I left but I was discarded, and that part of the cycle is horrible...but I was left on a string to manipulate further. Only when I said enough did it amp up and now it's turned into post separation and a smear campaign.

@Loubelle70Hello, fellow past shy person from earlier (I had NC), sorry to hear you also experienced that awful cycle too.

@JibbaJab 👋 😁 hi again.
Im sorry you went through that...its awful isnt it. Yes it was constant. I didn't know if i was coming or going, confused, heartbroken. I wish it on no one xxx ♥️

It definitely feels that way .... like I've become almost a shell of myself and am "behaving" so it's back to "normal"/ "nice-ness" ..
I know it isn't sustainable or any good for me ...it's just harder to fuel the determination in me to leave when it's not as awful ....

So sorry you've gone through this too .... it was so stretched out before ( maybe ever couple of months) that I didn't really see it happening ....whereas I'm lucky if there's weeks between it now ( and when it's been awful this year it's been almost constant ....maybe a few hours "respite' with me feeling im scrambling trying to desperately second guess how to keep it that way ....

And despite that, the nearer I get ( and fact things are in a "nice" lull..... the more I doubt myself ...

@Loubelle70 This was the backfire from me stepping out of my comfort zone. I went through the entire relationship in a warzone but I was so deep in it, isolated I didn't realize until roughly two months after separation. I feel like a mad man explaining it to third parties involved, it's hard to believe but it's real and evil.

@Eteiene Yes that's how it goes, initially it was fantastic perfect match. However I now see they were mirroring me, I fell in love with myself, everything I valued, liked and enjoyed they seemingly shared.

It was long time apart initially, few here and there until marriage then it ramped up. Months apart, sometimes longer but still in favour. Children came and bang, months, then weeks then days and it got to the point every day was a guessing game. I would get up in the morning not knowing what would happen that day, do everything to make it peaceful. Could wake up fine only to turn an hour later, sometimes it was a constant switch on and off throughout the day, didn't know what was going on but the end result was my fault.

That's how it works, you become conditioned into that cycle, dependent on it. When I left it was too peaceful, even now it's like wow life is really dull in comparison. That sounds weird but it really is, it's nice don't get me wrong but even now nearly six months down the line I'm having the odd bought of wanting to go back into it.

However, hearing the report I got told the other day has made it easier. It was almost like a confession but projected onto me instead, it was unbelievable but also eerie, everything done to me is now put as I did it.

Oh believe me, I know.
Recognising that even this phase isn’t any good for you is important.
You deserve to live a whole life, not contorted to keep the peace.
Can you use the thought of finally being able to relax and to be yourself to fuel that final push?

@JibbaJab
It doesn't sound weird at all that things feel almost too peaceful - I feel like I've been living on high alert now for so long I'm not sure what it'll feel like for life just to be day to day and "Normal"... and yes I hear you on the cycles/ time between them getting shorter too ...

I'm sorry you know this too :( and I think the idea of being able to finally breathe is keeping me going, I just feel awful planning this...