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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He doesn’t believe me what the hell do I do?

155 replies

ThisNameToday · 24/07/2023 10:45

Name changed for this as I’m embarrassed and totally lost.

By way of background over the past few years, starting with lockdown, DH and I got into an awful habit of having a drink every night. It just became the norm. Working from home, no school runs, no hobbies or usual work travel, it seemed to relieve the boredom and we had a laugh to be honest.

It has got out of hand though and a glass of wine or two every night, and frequent weekday hangovers just became the norm.

About a month ago we had a huge chat about it and both agreed we needed to make a change.

For the last 3 weeks I have been doing so well. Only having a drink on a Friday night, getting to bed on time, up early with the kids and exercising again. I’m losing weight already and feel great.

Cut to this morning.
He says we need to talk, he loves me to bits but the drinking has to stop.

I was genuinely flabbergasted and said all of the above about the last 3 weeks, and he doesn’t believe me! Last night for example, he thinks I sneakily had a drink and he could smell it on me.
When I protested he said that he knows what he’s been seeing, and I’m clearly not ready to address it or talk about it yet!

I swear with every bone in my body I haven’t been sneaking anything.
I was so so proud of how things are going.

I don’t want to turn this back around on him as he’s not really addressed the daily drinking issue yet he’s just cut back a lot.
But I don’t know how to move the conversation forward either, when we are at a complete stalemate and he wants me to admit something that isn’t true

Please no judgements or harsh comments.
Feeling extremely fragile today.

I’ll take any criticism or feedback at all about the last few years, but how do I convince someone who’s made their mind up that it’s not true? He’s saying our relationship is in trouble if I don’t tell the truth (which I agree with!) but I am telling the truth!

Advice so desperately needed please.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 24/07/2023 10:50

So is he still drinking daily ?
Id be careful that this isn’t emotional abuse leading to him ending it.

Fireandflames666 · 24/07/2023 10:51

That sounds like he's projecting tbh, I bet he's still drinking and trying to blame you.

BarryK3nt · 24/07/2023 10:52

Sounds like projection, tell him to stop being a silly bastard and to sort himself out.

Original poster
ThisNameToday · 24/07/2023 10:53

He is still drinking daily but a LOT less than he was. Still not ok, but I think we both had to cut down in our own ways. I like my sleep so my personality is more suited to just going cold turkey and sleeping and exercising more. He loves his evenings in front of the tv so is doing it by cutting back rather than stopping cold…

OP posts:
Justcallmebebes · 24/07/2023 10:54

I think he's resentful you're doing well and better than him, if he's only cut down a bit. That's made him angry so he's going to sabotage your efforts.

You should tell him one more time and then refuse to discuss it further, but keep doing what you're doing

xPeaceXx · 24/07/2023 10:55

Is he projecting?

I'd take stock, actively realise - his believing you or not believing you doesn't change the truth.

Not drinking during the week will change yr life whether or not he believes that you don't drink during the week.

Be clear about what changes things. Not drinking, or being believed about not drinking?

Don't exhaust yourself pleading to be believed. If you tell the truth and are met with disbelief, that has nothing to do with you.

Not telling the truth and not being believed will obviously damage a marriage though.

Maybe that is the next conversation.

Original poster
ThisNameToday · 24/07/2023 10:57

Thanks for the replies so far, I really appreciate it.

Peace that’s really helpful advice thank you.

OP posts:
Whattodowithit88 · 24/07/2023 10:58

It’s amazing how you can’t see it, and I truly believe that you don’t see it either. This is where the expression “love is blind” comes from, because it’s obvious what is happening, yet you can’t see it!?

His projecting. Probably also slightly jealous at how well you’re doing too.

Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets · 24/07/2023 10:58

He is trying to grind you down so you actually need a drink.... He wants to feel superior to you.
That isn't great op.
Neither is living with a man who puts drink above all else... Ime.

Serenity45 · 24/07/2023 10:58

Well you can't 'prove' a negative so don't try to. Be firm but direct and (I know it's easy to say!) don't get sucked into circular conversations where you're trying to convince him that you're telling the truth.

I agree with PPs points that possibly some projection going on here. His perception is wrong. End of. And I would use that word too - perception. You can look yourself in the mirror knowing how well you are doing, so please hold on to that.

Another approach is to frame it as concern for him "I'm really worried that your perception is so far from the reality of what's happening here"

No judgement here BTW I love a drink, have a high tolerance for it and alcoholism runs in my family. As a result I rarely drink at home unless we have people over as I know it would be way too easy for me to slip into bad habits.

saraclara · 24/07/2023 10:59

So he's still drinking (though less than he did) and yet he's angry with you, who's given up completely) for sneaking a drink (even though you didn't)

Even if it was true, how does he justify that?

Batalax · 24/07/2023 11:00

Shrug your shoulders and tell him to believe what he wants but why would you lie when there is no point as he hasn’t stopped himself? Don’t get worked up over it. Just be matter of fact and ask him why does he think you would jeopardise your good relationship by lying and it’s actually him that’s doing it by not believing you. Be calm and unruffled.

Original poster
ThisNameToday · 24/07/2023 11:02

Thank you. I hadn’t really thought about the projecting or jealousy angle.
I need to give it some thought.

I feel incandescent with rage at not being believed and I really need to dial that back to be able to get anywhere. Serenity I think that’s good advice I need to find inner strength the not get drawn into desperately trying to prove something.
Especially because I was feeling so bloody strong and well about 4 hours ago!

OP posts:
Original poster
ThisNameToday · 24/07/2023 11:03

saraclara, Batalax thank you - I will try

OP posts:
OhComeOnFFS · 24/07/2023 11:05

What he's doing is looking at the bottle of wine and thinking "I didn't drink that much! OP must have drunk it."

Lilpop90 · 24/07/2023 11:07

Can you suggest cold turkey for both of you? (Even though you seem to be doing very well, and congrats on the cutdown) Take the booze out of the house, don’t buy any, initiate having a reset month or something….

Don’t admit to something you haven’t done, but why not try and see if he is willing to completely reset?
if he genuinely thinks you have been sneaking drinks, frame it like you think it’ll help YOU If you both stopped for a while.
Had he been drinking when he said that to you? Might help his attitude and stop him projecting if neither of you are drinking. I doubt someone sober would randomly
pick that fight!

Shodan · 24/07/2023 11:07

I absolutely would turn it back on him, to a degree. Tell him you love him to bits, that you understand that he's struggling to change his habits completely and that's probably clouding his thought processes, but you won't tolerate being disbelieved, and that you won't entertain any more discussion about that.

ModestMoon · 24/07/2023 11:11

OhComeOnFFS · 24/07/2023 11:05

What he's doing is looking at the bottle of wine and thinking "I didn't drink that much! OP must have drunk it."

I agree with this.

I don't think you owe him evidence, he should believe you. But if you did want to, you could each have your own bottles of whatever you drink, kept in different places. That way there will be hard cold evidence that yours only diminishes at the weekend.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 24/07/2023 11:12

He could be accusing you of what he knows he's doing himself. Would you notice the smell on him. He could also be finding it v difficult so imagining you couldn't possibly be managing it.

InstantGratificationDarkPlaygroundOfMN · 24/07/2023 11:13

If he is that concerned that you have the drink problem then the easiest solution is to remove all alcohol from the fridge then, isn't it?
I'd do that from 1st August and perhaps get a job lot of Kaliber for any jitters (his not yours).

RB68 · 24/07/2023 11:13

You can prove a negative - breathalyser.

But I honestly wouldn't go out of your way as others have said he is telling you what he is doing...(classic narcissist behaviour as well)

The only person he can smell is himself

I too would be saying well the only way to be sure is all alcohol out of the house, if he doesn't like it or starts on then you can say in all honesty you are prepared to do this so why isn't he - is there something he is not telling you or doing that he shouldn't be etc

I would call his bluff for sure and also say that if he has an issue with how you are handling it he is free to walk the walk

Dery · 24/07/2023 11:15

Firstly, I know so many people who had your experience over lockdown. It was very common.

Great advice above.

As PPs have said: this is projection and denial on his part. He’s probably jealous that you’ve cut down so much on drinking. He sounds like he has alcoholic tendencies. Stop begging him to believe you. You’re giving him power. He’s creating this problem, not you. Make it clear this is his problem, not yours.

Barney60 · 24/07/2023 11:39

Sounds like projection, tell him to stop being a silly bastard and to sort himself out.

My first thought also.

fanout · 24/07/2023 11:44

Definitely projecting. I've been in this position, on both sides

niceone2 · 24/07/2023 11:48

One of the worst things in the world is someone telling you you're lying, when you're not. You say no you're not lying, they say oh yes you are.
They're judging you by their own poor standards.
At that point I think I'd just walk away from the conversation.
It's up to him what he thinks.