He doesn’t believe me what the hell do I do?

[ThisNameToday]

Name changed for this as I’m embarrassed and totally lost.

By way of background over the past few years, starting with lockdown, DH and I got into an awful habit of having a drink every night. It just became the norm. Working from home, no school runs, no hobbies or usual work travel, it seemed to relieve the boredom and we had a laugh to be honest.

It has got out of hand though and a glass of wine or two every night, and frequent weekday hangovers just became the norm.

About a month ago we had a huge chat about it and both agreed we needed to make a change.

For the last 3 weeks I have been doing so well. Only having a drink on a Friday night, getting to bed on time, up early with the kids and exercising again. I’m losing weight already and feel great.

Cut to this morning.
He says we need to talk, he loves me to bits but the drinking has to stop.

I was genuinely flabbergasted and said all of the above about the last 3 weeks, and he doesn’t believe me! Last night for example, he thinks I sneakily had a drink and he could smell it on me.
When I protested he said that he knows what he’s been seeing, and I’m clearly not ready to address it or talk about it yet!

I swear with every bone in my body I haven’t been sneaking anything.
I was so so proud of how things are going.

I don’t want to turn this back around on him as he’s not really addressed the daily drinking issue yet he’s just cut back a lot.
But I don’t know how to move the conversation forward either, when we are at a complete stalemate and he wants me to admit something that isn’t true

Please no judgements or harsh comments.
Feeling extremely fragile today.

I’ll take any criticism or feedback at all about the last few years, but how do I convince someone who’s made their mind up that it’s not true? He’s saying our relationship is in trouble if I don’t tell the truth (which I agree with!) but I am telling the truth!

Advice so desperately needed please.

This.

Be careful op.

Alcoholics can be really manipulative and his behaviour smacks of that. You stopping drinking is threatening to him.

I grew up around one (my father) and it snook up on him as well.

Please put yourself first. He has to want to change.

"That makes it SO clear that he is desperate for you to be drinking to give him an excuse to carry on. As you won't play along, he is conjuring up an alternative reality where you're drinking at other times. He was clearly quite a lot further along the path to alcohol dependence than you, and may need some outside help to give up properly."

This is what my H does, offers me a drink, or pours me a drink, even when I say NO, as it justifies his need to drink.
I would say, I was insulted by this insinuation that I am sneakily drinking, for

1. if I drink, I do it openly, & feel no inclination to hide it
2. He is gaslighting you, saying he can smell it, is Not acceptable, if he is that far gone, he should be looking at getting help with his own alcohol problem
3. If you want to drink you will, & don't need his permission, his judgment & permission
4. If he so much as starts with any false accusations again, things are going to change very very quickly, & he will swiftly understand how angry you are at his false, accusations

If he refuses to listen, walk out

I suspect he’s trying to make you feel bad about cutting down and getting healthier so that you start drinking again, and then it will take the focus off him.

My Dh (who is lovely btw but has anxiety around alcohol because his dad died from alcoholism) made a bit song and dance about how we needed to cut down on drinking and we have to do dry January. And I was like great! Guess who did dry January until nearly March (and actually I don’t drink at all anymore)? Guess who was still having cheeky beers in the shed but got a bit touchy when I put an empty wine bottle in the recycling (left over from a pre-Christmas party at the start of December!)? Often people are the twitchiest about the things in themselves they are struggling with the most. Or he’s just trying to sabotage all your good work.

Do you have a TV in your bedroom? If so, could he turn in earlier with you to watch it in the evenings, rather than stay downstairs alone . With headphones if you want to sleep. It won't solve the bigger picture of trust, but might be a start.

Water off a duck’s back

you know if it’s true, and you are doing it for you

if he is acting weird about it, and casting shade, try to just shrug it off and doing your thing

how about you both decide, each for ourselves , how much you drink, and nobody owes the other any explanations or justifications?

Sounds like a manipulative asshole.

Not realy sure why you'd want someone like that in your life tbh.

Some nights he’ll ask about 5 times if I want a glass of wine, or why aren’t I having a glass

He’s sabotaging you because he’s failing massively and misery loves company…

Do not let him destroy you.

Also he’s projecting to make himself feel better. Proactively bin all the alcohol. He will flip out, because he needs it.

You can at that point, nonchalantly, point out to at if he’s so worried about you then why the fuck wouldn’t he want to get rid of it?

He’s dependent on alcohol, you are not. He is in denial about this.

Is the alcohol bought weekly with the shop? Do you mostly buy it? If so id leave it off the shop list and stop bringing it in to the home. He may drink less if it’s not readily available? Or if he buys it , tell him just to buy for himself and maybe you’ll then even not want it on a Fri eve. Then just stick to having it when having a meal out etc../out with friends.

Buy a personal breathalyzer and blow into it. Then tell him that you need to have a serious chat about trust issues.

........ "If so id leave it off the shop list and stop bringing it in to the home. He may drink less if it’s not readily available? Or if he buys it , tell him just to buy for himself" ..........

I do this, he just goes out & buys a big stock....

Going forward I would get my self a pack of those alcohol testers you need for driving in France or one of those rechargeable breathalysers...

Show him who is managing to deal with this issue - then his project ring about Lack of self control goes straight back to him .

Thanks again for the responses I have had to come home from work as my head is spinning with it all.

Some really good insight and advice here thank you - I need to really think.

If I look back I think he has been alcohol dependent for a while. Even pre-covid. I think I was getting there too recently, and after our conversation I knew I had to face it quickly which I am doing.

I think Twyford and those of you that have said he may need outside help are right. We initially said we'd both try to do at least 3 nights a week with no alcohol, he can't even manage 1. He's maybe done that twice in the last year and it's always a big deal when he does, he's jittery and can't sleep. Then needs a beer to sleep...

I get the breathalyser advice as it's gives 100% clarity. It's tempting. But I feel that if our relationship and trust breaks down to the point of getting each other to do that then it's doomed anyway.

niceone2 - you are so right about someone not believing you being the worst thing. Which is just crazy, because actually, we (or he) has a much bigger problem to face right now. But I still want to stamp my feet and insist he believes me because he's acting like he's absolutely sure he's right!

I've just come home and he gave me a hug and said he doesn't want to fight?! So 100% acting as though it's me who is not ready to face what I am doing. I can't even speak to him right now I am upstairs pretending to work.

liverpoolgal82 that's good advice but he goes the shop every day for it, I don't buy it. He gets one of those fridge packs with 10 cans in most days, then buys a 4 pack on odd days when he is cutting back now.

I have just been buying 1 bottle of wine on my way home on a Friday and that's it.

We do have a cupboard with spirits and mixers in that we use for parties but neither of us (I don't think) touch anything like that usually unless we actually have people round.

Some nights he’ll ask about 5 times if I want a glass of wine, or why aren’t I having a glass. I almost feel bad then as like I say, it could be fun when we both had a few and had a laugh.

That’s an issue and is showing he isn’t coping well with reducing his own alcohol intake. He is purposely sabotaging your own work you realise that?

You can’t ket him do that.
He needs to stop asking you if you want a glass of wine.
He needs to realise that you’re not drinking - unlike him atm. The breathalyser is an option.
But more to the point, it looks like he has become an alcoholic that can’t stop drinking. That’s going to be a huge hurdle to get over fir him - independently of the impact this will have on your couple.

I wonder if when you were drinking together he was actually drinking far more than you and lied to himself about how much he consumed by rationalising that you were sharing the alcohol. Now you are not drinking he is confronted with the extent of his own alcohol consumption and the realisation that he can't stop as easily as you have.

I think his alcohol problem is far worse than you know and he's willing to admit to. You say you want to approach the problem with compassion but I would advise against being too understanding, a problem drinker will weaponise that against you.

His behaviour is already worryingly manipulative, your compassion will likely give him license to continue trying to blame you for anything and everything, including why he can't stop. He's already telling you your relationship is in trouble and it's your fault for lying. If your relationship cannot be repaired he will tell people it ended because he couldn't tolerate your secret drinking. I don't think he has any intention of stopping drinking.

I would be very firm and tell him that you will not tolerate being accused of lying and you would like to remove all alcohol from the house to remove any doubt. I think his response will be telling.

You are not responsible for his drinking and you are not responsible for fixing it either.

FOJN I think your first paragraph rings really true for me.

We initially said we'd both try to do at least 3 nights a week with no alcohol, he can't even manage 1. He's maybe done that twice in the last year and it's always a big deal when he does, he's jittery and can't sleep. Then needs a beer to sleep...

That, in itself, should have been the wake up call fir him (and you) to realise he needs outside support to stop drinking safety.
That he us a full in alcoholic.
And I suspect you dint know the true extend of his drinking either (either because he is somehow hiding some if it or because you haven’t accepted it yet yourself)

AsterixAndPersimmon probably a bit of both

"Some nights he’ll ask about 5 times if I want a glass of wine, or why aren’t I having a glass."

You are right OP, he is more dependent that it at first seemed. Nagging you to have a drink is a sure sign, he is trying to make himself feel better about his drinking by getting you to join in, and is also trying to sabotage your efforts. When that didn't work, he decided to create a fuss and insist you must be drinking.

My mother's partner had a major drink problem and would try to force everyone in the room to drink as much as him, he would nag on about it constantly.

Do I read your post right, he often drinks 10 cans of beer a night?

He needs you to drink, so he doesn't have to feel bad about his drinking.

You are doing great OP. It's the same as someone offering you cake 5 times when they know you are on a diet. My BF ex used to accuse her of being an alcoholic - while he drank a bottle of whiskey and a bottle of wine most nights.

I suspect your DH is not doing very well at all at giving up the drink and he's starting to panic.

What I would say to him is. Why is it ok for you to drink, but not me? See what he says to that. The rest is irrelevant argument - you know your truth.

Keep it up OP hangovers are rarely worth it

Just stepping in to say... we are with you. A circle of women, standing around you.. to support you and protect you.

You are right. He is wrong. Stay strong.

Get the breathalyser. You’ll feel much more in control knowing you can prove you’re not failing. It will also make him confront that he is. And it’s his total inability or refusal to recognise the extent of his own problem, that is leading to his behaviour towards you currently.

He is an alcoholic, Op. And you can't trust a word an alcoholic says, or their reasons for saying it. I know, I lived with one.

Wishing you strength.