He doesn’t believe me what the hell do I do?

[ThisNameToday]

Name changed for this as I’m embarrassed and totally lost.

By way of background over the past few years, starting with lockdown, DH and I got into an awful habit of having a drink every night. It just became the norm. Working from home, no school runs, no hobbies or usual work travel, it seemed to relieve the boredom and we had a laugh to be honest.

It has got out of hand though and a glass of wine or two every night, and frequent weekday hangovers just became the norm.

About a month ago we had a huge chat about it and both agreed we needed to make a change.

For the last 3 weeks I have been doing so well. Only having a drink on a Friday night, getting to bed on time, up early with the kids and exercising again. I’m losing weight already and feel great.

Cut to this morning.
He says we need to talk, he loves me to bits but the drinking has to stop.

I was genuinely flabbergasted and said all of the above about the last 3 weeks, and he doesn’t believe me! Last night for example, he thinks I sneakily had a drink and he could smell it on me.
When I protested he said that he knows what he’s been seeing, and I’m clearly not ready to address it or talk about it yet!

I swear with every bone in my body I haven’t been sneaking anything.
I was so so proud of how things are going.

I don’t want to turn this back around on him as he’s not really addressed the daily drinking issue yet he’s just cut back a lot.
But I don’t know how to move the conversation forward either, when we are at a complete stalemate and he wants me to admit something that isn’t true

Please no judgements or harsh comments.
Feeling extremely fragile today.

I’ll take any criticism or feedback at all about the last few years, but how do I convince someone who’s made their mind up that it’s not true? He’s saying our relationship is in trouble if I don’t tell the truth (which I agree with!) but I am telling the truth!

Advice so desperately needed please.

Getting a breathalyzer is a brilliant idea. He definitely can't gaslight you around one of those.

10 cans a night and 4 only on nights when he's "cutting down". He is an alcoholic. I think you need to start getting some help for yourself around living with an alcoholic so that you can get a bit more clarity on his behaviour.

All of you saying clear out the booze and get a breathalyser haven’t had to deal with an alcoholic/problem drinker, this will do shit all.

a daily drinkers gonna drink, they will not take that decision to clear it all out and let’s just have an early night kindly. Op cannot control this situation so simply. Sad but true.

op shouldn’t have to prove anything to her other half. Even if she was drinking, it’s catch 22.

the very real issue is he’s got a problem and now big that problem is only op can know. The thing about alcoholics is that they are functional till they’re not, they are fine until they are not. It’s progressive sneaky and slow until it escalates.

al-anon should be your next port of call op. Look them up.

I think the breathalyser might help the OP to feel like she has proven her point.

But no it won’t stop her DP drinking.
Actually nothing will stop him unless HE decides to stop.

Which then puts @ThisNameToday in a different position - my dh is an alcoholic who can’t stop. Do I accept it and try and carry on with the marriage? Is that a deal breaker for me? At which point do I say Enough is Enough?

Its not about him not believing her anymore (which was a BIG issue in the first place).

He's projecting in that he's drinking to excess himself and picking on the OP to deflect? He's horrible!

Alcohol withdrawal has some very serious medical risks attached to it. If he is a dependent drinker it's not only difficult (impossible) to stop drinking 'cold turkey' but very dangerous.
Somehow you need him to understand he needs outside help and to engage with it actively. AA are the experts though I'm sure other services exist. If he won't speak to then would he speak to his GP?

Maybe you both need to go teetotal. There are clearly issues linked to alcohol so get rid of what's in the house and don't buy more.
Will do you both some good!

You can buy a breathalyser. I’d be doing that and breathalysing the hell out of him, the cheeky gif.

*git

As my name suggests I have an alcohol 'issue' (sober on/ off, mostly off 3 years).

Not being believed is so frustrating.

I also think he is trying to get you to drink so that it doesn't shine a light on his drinking. I also wouldn't be too sure about that drinks cabinet.

Is he drinking 10 cans a night? No wonder he can't sleep without it. He needs a serious detox. I think he might even need the GP to help him on that one.

I think you need to decide do you want to do this with him or leave him to it.
If you want to leave him to it, stand back and let him go his own way. This 100% is not your fault/ problem/ thing to fix.
If you want to stay with him the I wouldn't be going calling him an alcoholic that is a very hard pill for many people to swallow.

But start with saying you no longer want alcohol in the house. See how he goes with that one. Tell him that you prefer your hangover free lives and the example you are setting for the children without alcohol.

It might not be an alcoholic, but he certainly sounds very far along the road of becoming one.

God how bloody draining.... I couldn't put up with this shit. He is hoping you cave and join him again. Or like someone else said is drinking more than he really should and wondering if you had some of the open bottle in the fridge.

I wouldn't bother answering it to be honest. I would just carry on with my goals and seriously question whether I want to be with him.

Actually in this case, I’d say that going teetotal on his own might well be dangerous.
If not drinking results in him shaking, unable to sleep etc… - aka strong withdrawal symptoms, then he needs to do that in a controlled environment or with some help (medication).
He also will need some counselling/AA support to carry on.

Fwiw if he was stopping like this, and get support/medication, he’d need the support of the OP to do that. It’s hard work for the partner too and doesn’t always lead to the alcoholic stopping (or they stop fir a few months all to fall back again etc…).

If it was just a question of both of them being teetotal, it would be easy.

I would take control of the situation by sitting him down when he's not expecting it, tell him in a very calm but authoritative voice that you need to talk about his belief that you are still drinking (be sure to emphasise that the conversation is about his belief and not about your drinking).

Be clear with him that you have absolutely cut down and that you are categorically not in any kind of denial. I would tell him you are really concerned about his accusations and that if they don't stop or can't be resolved then this poses a genuine threat to your relationship. Say your piece then leave the ball in his court. If he persists, and there is genuinely no evidence of you abusing alcohol, then plainly he's an abusive prick who is trying to gaslight you.

Some nights he’ll ask about 5 times if I want a glass of wine, or why aren’t I having a glass.

He sounds awful. There is something so nasty about this, it's like he wants to drag you down with him.

He needs to want to change, no one can 'compassion' him into it. If he's an alcoholic I wouldn't stay with him.

He is projecting as he knows he is not doing well

so tell him you are telling the truth and you are sorry he doesn’t believe you but that’s on him. Then suggest that the only way to resolve this is to bin every bit of alcohol in the house right now and have none in the house ever

lets see what he says then

He needs help and I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I just wanted to say that you haven't done anything wrong. You increased your drinking during a global pandemic when everyone did SOMETHING differently to cope with it. Some people drank more, some became teetotal, some went on health kicks, some gained Covid pounds, some adopted dogs, some people divorced, etc. That's life.

You have seen the problem and rectified it. That's because you're NOT actually alcohol dependent. He is, and therefore, he's unable to stop the way you have.

The difficult part (saying this as someone who has been through it) is that as his partner, you are now going to have to think about your approach to alcohol. You may decide it's better not to drink at all, as any time you drink at home, it gives him an excuse to drink.

I think you need to sit and have a compassionate talk with him - but I think you are going to have your work cut out, sadly. Things can change, but it can take years, and it has to come from him. At the minute, it very much sounds like he's still in the denial stage. It took my DP well over 15 years to accept he had a problem, and it was actually only going on medication where you couldn't safely drink alcohol that changed it. That and getting our dog, so he didn't want to be hungover, as the dog wakes us up early every day. It might well be that an event or change in circumstance has to trigger the change in your DH.

If he's drinking 4-10 beers a night, that's a problem. You are not wrong. You have done nothing wrong. And don't ever feel like a "spoilsport" or "joysucker" when he's trying to encourage you to drink. If he was offering you heroin, I doubt you'd take it. If you give into the guilt trip, you enable him, and then all you're actually doing is harming him. You do you, let him do him, and communicate. No need to prove anything.

Is it possible his accusations are a smokescreen for him buying a few cheeky ones from the shop that you don't know about?

Sorry you're faced with this excruciating situation OP

Tell him that you can prove that you are not drinking, throw all of the alcohol out.

What on earth is it he suspects you of drinking if you only buy a bottle of wine on a Friday and drink it? Tell him to produce his evidence or take the nasty accusation back!

Well done for recognising you both have an issue.

I'd not consider cutting down but going tee total;you both might benefit by attending AA meetings together.

I have a lot of respect for those who recognise addiction and get help to kick it.

I think he's gaslighting you. Either because he has an alcohol problem (one that extends beyond the excess you describe) and is projecting on to you....or trying to distract you from what he was drinking over the weekend.... or just in complete denial...or trying to bring you back down to join him.

Or perhaps he's an emotionally abusing bastard and sobriety is waking you up to it.

Either way...well done on seeing where you need to make positive changes and acting upon it. Do not beat yourself up on the past. If you fall off the wagon then put yourself back on it. You are doing a great job.

Another tip- write or record this experience in case this becomes a pattern of behaviour for him- this is for your own protection.

You stopped/reduced drinking for yourself surely OP ultimately, because you had acknowledged it had got out of hand and for health reasons.

Yes it is helpful (albeit not in your circumstances because your DP not only hasn't stopped much at all but is also gaslighting you) to have someone to do that with for encouragement . You've got none and are also being accused of lying so I would be sitting DP down and plainly telling him that I have in fact stopped the daily drinking, will not be proving anything to him going forward and think that it's best you take separate journeys with this as he is indeed, still drinking most days and that isn't going to help you at all. His input is no longer required.

You've done really well OP, do not let him spoil the momentum because he can't get the same result himself. It is not a small thing, to accuse your partner of lying.

Well done on your efforts to cut down OP! I reckon he is looking at a bottle and not realising how much he has drunk - then blaming you! I'd tell him that and then suggest you both give up and have no alcohol in the house and see what he says. Cpuld could go for a drink on a friday if you didnt.want to give up.completely. He's either making a frequent mistake or playing a mins game.

Lilpop90 · Today 11:07
Can you suggest cold turkey for both of you? (Even though you seem to be doing very well, and congrats on the cutdown) Take the booze out of the house, don’t buy any, initiate having a reset month or something…

THIS, an extract from Lollipop90.

Just don’t buy the stuff. End of.
If he buys it then it’s his drink & you don’t touch it. Let him get a marker pen to mark the level every night after his intake.

Oh he's definitely entrenched in denial and panicking.

I say that as nearly 4 years sober.