He doesn’t believe me what the hell do I do?

[ThisNameToday]

Name changed for this as I’m embarrassed and totally lost.

By way of background over the past few years, starting with lockdown, DH and I got into an awful habit of having a drink every night. It just became the norm. Working from home, no school runs, no hobbies or usual work travel, it seemed to relieve the boredom and we had a laugh to be honest.

It has got out of hand though and a glass of wine or two every night, and frequent weekday hangovers just became the norm.

About a month ago we had a huge chat about it and both agreed we needed to make a change.

For the last 3 weeks I have been doing so well. Only having a drink on a Friday night, getting to bed on time, up early with the kids and exercising again. I’m losing weight already and feel great.

Cut to this morning.
He says we need to talk, he loves me to bits but the drinking has to stop.

I was genuinely flabbergasted and said all of the above about the last 3 weeks, and he doesn’t believe me! Last night for example, he thinks I sneakily had a drink and he could smell it on me.
When I protested he said that he knows what he’s been seeing, and I’m clearly not ready to address it or talk about it yet!

I swear with every bone in my body I haven’t been sneaking anything.
I was so so proud of how things are going.

I don’t want to turn this back around on him as he’s not really addressed the daily drinking issue yet he’s just cut back a lot.
But I don’t know how to move the conversation forward either, when we are at a complete stalemate and he wants me to admit something that isn’t true

Please no judgements or harsh comments.
Feeling extremely fragile today.

I’ll take any criticism or feedback at all about the last few years, but how do I convince someone who’s made their mind up that it’s not true? He’s saying our relationship is in trouble if I don’t tell the truth (which I agree with!) but I am telling the truth!

Advice so desperately needed please.

He buys a 10 pack every day and this is him cutting down? 😬

I was going to suggest a dry month for you both but if he’s drinking 10+ cans a day he’s at physical dependency level.
He needs to acknowledge how many units he is consuming.

Thank you so much for the advice and also the words of encouragement.
I am crying catching up on all of this.

Yes 4-10 cans a night is the norm. Also the odd glass of wine or two if we have some with a meal, or if I only have 1 glass at the weekend so there’s some open.

I don’t think I realised how big a problem this is. Or I suppose I didn’t want to.
I genuinely could just go without it full stop now, I’m not missing anything at all.
But I feel like there’s a big journey ahead of us now. Let’s hope the conversation tonight is a first step in the right direction.

Whoa, you said 'a glass or two of wine' in the OP... but we're talking 10 cans some days? that's 20 units just in that pack, he must be easily hitting 100 a week

I think this.

I would tell him very calmly and firmly, that calling you a liar is crossing a line.

I think his drinking is a far bigger issue than you realise and combined with his jealousy etc., it has affected him deeply.

Alcohol changes some people and his accusations of lying means he has become a bit ugly.

You need to spell out to him how serious this is, how damaging to your relationship and family it will be.

You have every right to explain to him that accusations of lying and berating you will cross over into emotional abuse of you.

Don't allow him to dismiss this or to DARVO you.

The key thing is to remain calm, firm and resolute.
Don't be derailed by him when you speak to him.

Well done on changing your lifestyle.

I think Covid affected negatively the drinking habits of many.

That's a serious amount op, he needs proper help. I'd suggest an appointment with his gp.

i’m really sorry OP, it’s grim to be unjustly accused of lying by your DH and it must be very difficult to be having to come to terms with the reality that your DH has a drinking problem. I’m sure I’m going to get flamed for this. But in your shoes I would think carefully about what you want to achieve and how best to get there. Only you know that, and only you know your DH and your relationship. It’s easy for people here to urge more challenging or confrontational approaches - which are undoubtedly justified - but they don’t have to live with the consequences. Your DH may have genuinely persuaded himself that you are still drinking too, because the truth - that he has a serious drinking problem and you’ve been able to stop without an issue - is impossible for him to come to terms with right now. If challenged, he may just double down and you may end up in a difficult place. If your relationship is otherwise good and this is out of character for him, I’d approach with a bit more compassion than some are advocating here. It is terrifying to realise that you can’t function without alcohol. He may be grasping for the only straw he can see, that you are struggling too and that together you can work through it and get some help. You may be able to explain rationally to him that you don’t need to also have an alcohol problem to understand that he does and to support him through it. I really hope that’s the case, as that’s a much more straightforward path. But I just thought it worth raising the thought with you that there is another path here - that although you don’t have to agree that you’ve been drinking in secret, you might want to say that you’ve been finding it more difficult than you thought and you think it would be great if you can support each other through it. Then discuss how to go from here. If your goal is to stay in this relationship and help him get sober, forcing him to acknowledge that you are finding being virtually alcohol free both easy and a positive in your life may create a divide that is hard to overcome. Whatever you choose, I really hope things turn out ok - alcohol issues are tough, I’m alcohol free for 14 years now but it has ruined other people in my family.

You've had some excellent advice op. I think you're right about a breathalyser too , policing yours/his drinking is not helpful at all.
I just wanted to wish you luck with your chat. My dad was an alcoholic , then I married one (exh now) . Your husband has to deal with his denial himself , you can give him a push I the right direction but outside of that all you have is protecting yourself from his drinking.

Your DH has played a blinder, as any attempt you now make to confront how much he is drinking will be met with the accusation that you're trying to deflect from your own 'alcohol problem'.

See how you get on tonight, OP, but I'm pretty sure that's how it's going to go down. You accuse him of deflecting from his (actual, and provable) drink problem, he accuses you of deflecting from your imaginary one.

So he thinks that you are drinking & it "has to stop".

What's he going to do if he thinks that you haven't?

Leave?

Good riddance I'd say!

OP--No advice here but wanted you to know that you have support and back-up here.
You know your truth and that is what counts.

I'm so sorry OP, this must be cruddy beyond words. I haven't any words of wisdom to impart, but looks like you're getting really good advice and ideas on here.

I hope you are feeling much happier soon.

I'm sorry you've ended up realising that the issue is your husband's major alcohol problem. I've been where you are - realised I was drinking more than I should (well before lockdown, no excuse!), did a dry month, loved it, cut right down. And my husband tried to sabotage it at every turn.

The important thing for you now is to stand strong on your own decision. Massive moderation is working for you and you feel great. Hold on to that. You can't change your husband's addiction, only how you respond to it. To start with you do need to tell him that he does not get to accuse you of drinking when you haven't - he either trusts you or he doesn't, and if he doesn't, the door is >>> that way.

Well done, OP!
another here who thinks your partner is projecting his own drinking onto you.

What makes him think you have been drinking?..

Very unreasonable of him.

You sound like you are doing very well..Keep it up 👍

Ten cans is 24 units. A day.

That’s not including the ‘glass or two’ of wine as well.

That’s 168 units a week…

That’s 42 times the recommended weekly amount.

He has a serious, serious problem. And his projection onto you is obscene.

I don’t think it will be safe to go cold turkey at that level. He needs a controlled detox. He cannot continue to drink. He has to stop. And he needs serious help.

@ThisNameToday
Well done on the work you have done on yourself.

Your DH is doing everything that he can to sabotage it because he very definitely has a problem with alcohol which is rapidly spiralling into full blown alcoholism.

It doesn't matter whether you get a breathalyser in or not (there will always be an excuse why he shows a positive reading).

The spirits you have in that cupboard will soon be replaced with water.

You will start looking for bottles - yes he is showing you the 10 cans but there will be spirits consumed that you won't see.

Your H will become Jekyll & Hyde - and his actions will become increasingly desperate as he looses his grip on you.

I have experienced all what you are going through now.

I found that attending Al-Anon Meetings helped me (this is for anyone who has been affected by the drinking habits of others. AA is for the alcoholic). Have a listen to their podcasts - you will find similarities in your story, or talk to their Helpline.

www.al-anonuk.org.uk 0800 0086811

Denial is extremely powerful; you cannot get him to admit he has a drink problem. He has to hit his own rock bottom.

You can only help yourself and I wish you strength.

Our daughter lost her dad when she was 15; he was dead at 52 and never found sobriety.

@Hibiscrubbed that's a shocking amount. Mine was on about 120 units a week.

And it killed him aged 58.

I wish you well tonight op.

I would recommend alanon for advice and support.

You can't do this for him though, if he's in denial you have some decisions to make.

My father was an alcoholic and it's affected my whole life being brought up in that environment. Google adult children of alcoholics to understand the effects.

Don't keep this secret- it thrives on secrecy. Get support for you.

I agree with pps about the spirit cupboard too. I bet he's hitting that as well as drinking the cans of beer. Before I left exh he was drinking literally anything with an alcohol content , even drinks he'd previously said that he didn't like.

OP,

His alcohol level at 4 from 10 a night is obscene.

Is he around children with that level of alcohol in him?

If he is, that is horrifying.

I would call that level of alcohol on a daily basis, full blown alcoholism.

I think you would be wise to reach out for support.

Best of luck.

All of this.

And the accusations to you are probably his realisation that only people with issues choose people with issues and he wants to keep you codependent. If you wake up and get healthy, you'll leave him. If he can keep you unhealthy, you gets to keep you.

Be extremely careful with him. Alcohol is his primary relationship partner, not you.

That's the unpalatable truth of an alcoholic. Drink is no 1 priority. You have a long, unpleasant road ahead. I genuinely wish you every luck in the world and pease God he accepts he needs help. You are NOT the problem whatever he projects.

Buy some breathalysers. Next time he says it, both test.

He's an alcoholic who is terrified you are going to stop drinking. It makes him look bad. If he can get you to fall off the wagon, he gets permission to drink.
What he is doing is called DARVO - Deny, Accuse, Reverse Victim and Offender. If he needs you to drink, he may also be co-dependant.

This article is about grief and denial but has some useful information. You could also look up the Karpman Drama Triangle, it will make his behaviour more predictable.

https://www.amethystrecovery.org/five-stages-of-grief-denial/

You've had some good advice here OP, and as the adult child of an alcoholic father (and narc "mother"), I can tell you that any sort of abuse, including that of alcohol, thrives in secrecy. It's time for you to talk to other trusted people about this situation. It seems your husband is pretty far down the road of alcoholism, which is a progressive disease. The denial and gaslighting is terrible. You know your truth, so stay true to yourself. Ask for outside support, this is a huge thing and incredibly difficult to deal with without proper help. Good luck.