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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He doesn’t believe me what the hell do I do?

155 replies

ThisNameToday · 24/07/2023 10:45

Name changed for this as I’m embarrassed and totally lost.

By way of background over the past few years, starting with lockdown, DH and I got into an awful habit of having a drink every night. It just became the norm. Working from home, no school runs, no hobbies or usual work travel, it seemed to relieve the boredom and we had a laugh to be honest.

It has got out of hand though and a glass of wine or two every night, and frequent weekday hangovers just became the norm.

About a month ago we had a huge chat about it and both agreed we needed to make a change.

For the last 3 weeks I have been doing so well. Only having a drink on a Friday night, getting to bed on time, up early with the kids and exercising again. I’m losing weight already and feel great.

Cut to this morning.
He says we need to talk, he loves me to bits but the drinking has to stop.

I was genuinely flabbergasted and said all of the above about the last 3 weeks, and he doesn’t believe me! Last night for example, he thinks I sneakily had a drink and he could smell it on me.
When I protested he said that he knows what he’s been seeing, and I’m clearly not ready to address it or talk about it yet!

I swear with every bone in my body I haven’t been sneaking anything.
I was so so proud of how things are going.

I don’t want to turn this back around on him as he’s not really addressed the daily drinking issue yet he’s just cut back a lot.
But I don’t know how to move the conversation forward either, when we are at a complete stalemate and he wants me to admit something that isn’t true

Please no judgements or harsh comments.
Feeling extremely fragile today.

I’ll take any criticism or feedback at all about the last few years, but how do I convince someone who’s made their mind up that it’s not true? He’s saying our relationship is in trouble if I don’t tell the truth (which I agree with!) but I am telling the truth!

Advice so desperately needed please.

OP posts:
Beachhutnut · 24/07/2023 11:52

Agree no more booze to be bought and buy a breathalyser which you BOTH agree to use.....see how soon the backpedaling starts.....

ItsNotRocketSalad · 24/07/2023 11:53

I'd bet he's realised he can't stop, and he wants you to be in the same position so he doesn't have to admit he's got a real problem.

I'd be telling him very firmly that you haven't lied, and you're not going to engage with him at all until he stops accusing you. And I'd mean it.

aflix · 24/07/2023 11:56

He sounds a bit odd, why is your drinking/not drinking his business?

Do you think he's still drinking more than he's letting on?

thistimelastweek · 24/07/2023 11:58

Good advice here, just wanted to add that it's nigh impossible to smell drink on someone else when you've been drinking yourself

Good luck.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 24/07/2023 12:00

You can get breathalysers if you want to prove you haven't had a drink or urine testing strips.

Tresto · 24/07/2023 12:02

I agree with saying you are concerned about his version of the reality of the situation. He is either projecting or paranoid (I think alcohol can cause paranoia as it affects your ability to sleep). Personally I’d ignore him and watch him closely while taking his words with a pinch of salt.

However if you want action then I would also say okay I understand this is very important to you and you are concerned about OUR health, fitness and you feel that we need to stop drinking so let’s remove all alcohol from the house and buy a breathalyser which you both use.

You shouldn’t and don’t have to do any of this but I think it may show that your other half is projecting and unwilling to stop drinking. Because it’s only occasional, he has no issue etc. Be prepared to be called boring.

Jongleterre · 24/07/2023 12:05

Tell him that the way forward is to remove all alcohol from the house so that neither of you drink any more.
Problem solved.

Unless of course he wants to carry on drinking.

ValerieDoonican · 24/07/2023 12:07

I think he's frightened by how much harder he is finding it to cut down/stop than you are, realises he actually has an alcohol problem of a sort, and in his panic is desperate to convince him self that you too have found it impossible and are still secretly drinking.

He's being an absolute idiot and needs to wake his ideas up VERY fast before he destroys his marriage. I'm not sure how you can move him in that direction though. I expect he is extremely touchy about it. Unfortunately he may also need help to get off the booze.

Raindancer411 · 24/07/2023 12:09

As others have said I think he is projecting. How about agreeing to not having any alcohol in the house? Obviously you won't struggle but he may and he cannot accuse you if there is nothing to drink in the house and you aren't out?

StopStartStop · 24/07/2023 12:11

He's gaslighting you.

Potentially, next, your 'drinking' will be 'causing problems in your relationship' and then he'll 'have to leave' because of it.

Hang on to what you know is true, and watch him carefully.

Mayhem3 · 24/07/2023 12:28

Did you previously have a drinking problem which caused you to lie and sneak around?

It sounds like he doesn’t have an issue with you drinking but it’s the sneaking around and lying that’s the issue.

If you’ve never had a drinking problem then I agree with PPs that he’s jealous you are doing so well and losing weight etc and he’s trying to make himself feel better.

Just tell him he can think’s what he wants and that if you want a drink you’ll have one but you choose not to apart from Friday nights.

Original poster
ThisNameToday · 24/07/2023 12:30

Some great advice here thank you all so much. I am reading every word and getting strength from it.

I would 100% be on board with removing all alcohol from the house, I am not missing it at all. I am loving the early mornings and the energy. I’d happily just drink if we’re out with friends and knock it on the head completely at home.

I think you all may be right that he’s finding this much harder than he thought and so assumes I am too.
Some nights he’ll ask about 5 times if I want a glass of wine, or why aren’t I having a glass. I almost feel bad then as like I say, it could be fun when we both had a few and had a laugh. I just don’t want it enough to take a step back now though.

I feel like I need to approach tonight’s conversation with compassion and understanding if we are to move this forward but right now I just want to call him on it and give him it right back!

I need to stay focussed on what I want the end goal to be now I think.

OP posts:
Daleksatemyshed · 24/07/2023 12:31

I think he does know that you're not drinking and now he's afraid you'll make him stop too. Maybe he thinks if he annoys you enough you'll think if you're being accused of drinking then you might as well go ahead and drink anyway, which would suit him wouldn't it?
You've done really well Op so don't let him spoil it. Get in just enough booze for Friday night and keep an eye out for how much he's really drinking

Mama678 · 24/07/2023 12:31

He could smell it on you? Probably his own beer breath blowing back in his face!

if youre not drinking then well done and just repeat. Sounds like you’re improving your life/self and he doesn’t like it. Hes trying to scupper your efforts by putting you down, hoping youll crack and drink with him again

Original poster
ThisNameToday · 24/07/2023 12:32

Mayhem no, no previous issue. I’ve never been a big drinker until the last few years.

He does have trust/jealousy issues just within his personality though he’s a very sceptical person. Always thinks the worst first rather than the best. Then comes around.

OP posts:
ItsNotRocketSalad · 24/07/2023 12:33

I feel like I need to approach tonight’s conversation with compassion and understanding if we are to move this forward but right now I just want to call him on it and give him it right back!

Make it a bit of both. He's struggling so compassion and understanding is appropriate, but he also needs to know his behaviour to you is absolutely unacceptable and it needs to stop.

Tresto · 24/07/2023 12:39

Your update is telling about him asking if you want wine several times. I would Remove ALL the booze from the house before he is home, saying you have taken it on board and to prove it to him you have removed all alcohol and ordered a breathalyser for you both to use daily.

Watch him closely as I think you may find he isn’t willing to go the distance on this. You also need to think about what you do next if he has a drink issue

CovertImage · 24/07/2023 12:43

I would Remove ALL the booze from the house before he is home, saying you have taken it on board and to prove it to him you have removed all alcohol and ordered a breathalyser for you both to use daily.

She isn't his mother and has no right to do this if he wants to carry on drinking. She doesn't need to prove anything to him. and I agree with others that I'd tell him I wasn't going to engage with him and if he chooses not to believe it, I don't care

BMW6 · 24/07/2023 12:47

I'd get some breathalyser tests in so next time he accuses you of secret drinking surprise him by taking a test in front of him. Shut down his deflection.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 24/07/2023 12:56

Have your conversation tonight but be clear you will not tolerate him projecting after your chat. You have done amazing OP and to make a point I would cut out your drinking at home totally. Tell him you plan to do this tonight. Would be interesting to see his reaction.

Hunkydory99 · 24/07/2023 12:56

id remove all alcohol from the house then no one can or cannot drink anything that isn’t there

Mayhem3 · 24/07/2023 13:03

BMW6 · 24/07/2023 12:47

I'd get some breathalyser tests in so next time he accuses you of secret drinking surprise him by taking a test in front of him. Shut down his deflection.

I wouldn’t do this just because I think it’ll make you look like you have something to hide or he’ll say they’re fake or something.

If he doesn’t believe you, then he doesn’t believe you.

I’d tell him he can think what he wants and that it’s his issue for him to deal with and it’s not up to you to sort his issues out.

Twyford · 24/07/2023 13:04

Some nights he’ll ask about 5 times if I want a glass of wine, or why aren’t I having a glass. I almost feel bad then as like I say, it could be fun when we both had a few and had a laugh. I just don’t want it enough to take a step back now though.

That makes it SO clear that he is desperate for you to be drinking to give him an excuse to carry on. As you won't play along, he is conjuring up an alternative reality where you're drinking at other times. He was clearly quite a lot further along the path to alcohol dependence than you, and may need some outside help to give up properly.

Aquamarine1029 · 24/07/2023 13:09

I'd be telling him that every single drop of alcohol must be removed from the house, immediately, and if he protests, then he had better never call you a liar again. Your husband has a big problem and he's trying to make it yours.

tribpot · 24/07/2023 13:25

His attitude doesn't make sense even based on the facts as he believes them. He's still drinking every day, so what gives him the right to be laying down the law about your 'drinking'?

Approach your conversation with him from a place of compassion by all means, but I can't put any spin on this except him trying to gaslight you into drinking again.

I absolutely agree with other posters, since he's so concerned that you are 'drinking' because there is booze in the house, the obvious solution is to have none in the house except on a Friday, and for you both to do regular breathalyser tests.

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