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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dumped after 2 years because I have children

339 replies

Lilaclala · 22/07/2023 11:25

2 days ago I was dumped out of the blue by the man I was with for over 2 years. He was fully aware I had children from the start and never made it out to be a problem. He was the love of my life and I felt so lucky to have met him after my ex before him (father of my children) left me for a younger woman. He was kind, funny helpful, attractive and I honestly couldn't have asked for a better relationship. He always said he was committed and that he wanted a long term future with me and my 2 children. Recently we started discussing mortgages and moving in together etc and he seemed happy and positive about it. Then 2 days ago he came round in tears saying that he couldn't see a future with me and my children. He said he'd move in with me in a heartbeat but was worried he wouldn't enjoy his loss of freedom etc and everything he was giving up and that it would cause resentment. Its just so sudden and I feel so confused, hurt and let down. I'm 38 and worried I will never meet someone I love as much as him...

OP posts:
Original poster
Lilaclala · 12/09/2023 13:05

IslaSkywalker · 12/09/2023 12:58

Think about the football shirts all lined up, horrible farting, skid marks in his Calvins and not wiping up when he's pissed on the toilet seat and realise you can do better.

Show quote history

Lol thankyou. Yes I do and try and picture this but aside from those things our relationship was just so lovely and I'm really feeling the loss of him in my life.

OP posts:
KingsHeath53 · 12/09/2023 13:06

Lilaclala · 12/09/2023 12:53

Its been 8 weeks now and I'm still not feeling any better at all I just feel so, so low. I would literally do anything to have him back. Why is the pain not easing? I literally can't see a future....

It will do. Time heals all. You just need more of it.

Original poster
Lilaclala · 12/09/2023 13:12

How long will it take though? If anything I'm feeling worse as time goes on.

OP posts:
QS90 · 12/09/2023 13:28

If you're really still feeling that bad, perhaps antidepressants are the answer.

KingsHeath53 · 12/09/2023 13:28

Lilaclala · 12/09/2023 13:12

How long will it take though? If anything I'm feeling worse as time goes on.

I wish I knew. But I do know it won't be forever.

My heart was broken hard when my marriage broke down a few years ago. I had 6 months of full on trauma (periods stopped, hair fell out etc) then slowly life started to improve.

There are some things you could do to try and pick yourself up a bit.

I found a change of scenery helped. I temporarily moved house with my kids (a house swap, I kept working throughout) and making new memories somewhere not associated with him was enormously healing.

Some 'me' time, self care, whatever you enjoy. Massages, pampering, go to the gym. Look after and care for yourself. I had a lot of people offering to get drunk on wine but after a few weeks that wore off and I found hangovers made me feel worse so I went the other way and really focussed on healthy eating.

Any hobbies which can keep you busy and distracted. I threw myself into work and also did a lot of running. I read loads of books and listened to podcasts. This also helped me with when I spoke with other people and eventually went on dates because it meant I had other stuff to talk about other than just how sad I was and how much of a &*^%&% my ex was.

Doing nice things with the children.

Good luck x

Original poster
Lilaclala · 12/09/2023 13:43

KingsHeath53 · 12/09/2023 13:28

I wish I knew. But I do know it won't be forever.

My heart was broken hard when my marriage broke down a few years ago. I had 6 months of full on trauma (periods stopped, hair fell out etc) then slowly life started to improve.

There are some things you could do to try and pick yourself up a bit.

I found a change of scenery helped. I temporarily moved house with my kids (a house swap, I kept working throughout) and making new memories somewhere not associated with him was enormously healing.

Some 'me' time, self care, whatever you enjoy. Massages, pampering, go to the gym. Look after and care for yourself. I had a lot of people offering to get drunk on wine but after a few weeks that wore off and I found hangovers made me feel worse so I went the other way and really focussed on healthy eating.

Any hobbies which can keep you busy and distracted. I threw myself into work and also did a lot of running. I read loads of books and listened to podcasts. This also helped me with when I spoke with other people and eventually went on dates because it meant I had other stuff to talk about other than just how sad I was and how much of a &*^%&% my ex was.

Doing nice things with the children.

Good luck x

Show quote history

Thanks. I will try and do some more hobbies and activities but it's so hard to find the motivation. Did you eventually meet someone new? X

OP posts:
Sebock · 12/09/2023 14:16

Have you had any therapy OP? It sounds like you might need some help to process it all. Getting into a relationship now is probably the last thing you need.

Original poster
Lilaclala · 12/09/2023 14:18

I've had one session of therapy. I've got my next one on Friday

OP posts:
KingsHeath53 · 12/09/2023 14:26

Lilaclala · 12/09/2023 13:43

Thanks. I will try and do some more hobbies and activities but it's so hard to find the motivation. Did you eventually meet someone new? X

Show quote history

I met a few new people :-)

And you know what I realised...

...I'm happier not being with anyone. The satisfaction I get from not having to clear up after a man, or compromise on plans or what I want to do is greater than any rush of being infatuated with someone. I have hobbies which please ME, parent in a way that works for US (me and kids), sleep when I want to sleep, cancel plans when I want to cancel them, eat food I want, spend my money as I want to spend it with no discussion.

Maybe some day this will change, maybe I'll feel lonely and seek out a partner, or maybe someone completely amazing will fall into my path and I'll want to give up being free.

Funny enough since I've felt this way I've been fending the blokes off with a barge pole. There is something about a woman being independent and happy in herself that men seem to find irresistible.

Honestly I feel like it's a really healthy place to be in and I hope you can get to the same place where you're happy in yourself and not looking for a partner (past or future) on the horizon x

Original poster
Lilaclala · 12/09/2023 14:32

KingsHeath53 · 12/09/2023 14:26

I met a few new people :-)

And you know what I realised...

...I'm happier not being with anyone. The satisfaction I get from not having to clear up after a man, or compromise on plans or what I want to do is greater than any rush of being infatuated with someone. I have hobbies which please ME, parent in a way that works for US (me and kids), sleep when I want to sleep, cancel plans when I want to cancel them, eat food I want, spend my money as I want to spend it with no discussion.

Maybe some day this will change, maybe I'll feel lonely and seek out a partner, or maybe someone completely amazing will fall into my path and I'll want to give up being free.

Funny enough since I've felt this way I've been fending the blokes off with a barge pole. There is something about a woman being independent and happy in herself that men seem to find irresistible.

Honestly I feel like it's a really healthy place to be in and I hope you can get to the same place where you're happy in yourself and not looking for a partner (past or future) on the horizon x

Show quote history

I really wish I could be like that, I honestly do. But I do love the comfort of a relationship and sharing life with someone. I guess I do get lonely easily. But most of all I can't get over the fact that I will never see the man I spent the happiest 2 years of my life with again. Can't stop bursting into tears. I wish I was stronger

OP posts:
LusaBatoosa · 12/09/2023 15:23

Do you miss him or do you just want a man? Any man? Not saying this to be unkind, but I’ve read all your threads and it’s coming across as the latter. Which is a really unhealthy way to live your life.

Original poster
Lilaclala · 12/09/2023 15:36

LusaBatoosa · 12/09/2023 15:23

Do you miss him or do you just want a man? Any man? Not saying this to be unkind, but I’ve read all your threads and it’s coming across as the latter. Which is a really unhealthy way to live your life.

No I want him this is the problem. I don't want ant other man...

OP posts:
MissHarrietBede · 12/09/2023 16:38

I agree you seem to need a man, any man, if you can’t have the one you wanted.

Original poster
Lilaclala · 12/09/2023 17:05

Well that is where you are both wrong. I am writing here because I am heartbroken because the man I loved has left me. I don't want any other man. I want him. I can't even think about anyone else. I just don't want to feel this way any more. Comments like that don't help me...

OP posts:
BananaSlug · 12/09/2023 17:09

PP are not wrong, you made another thread about finding love again as a single mum so obviously it isn’t just about this man…

lightisnotwhite · 12/09/2023 17:17

I get that it tears both your world and heart apart.

If you love someone set them free goes the song. I'm not sure he can be your one if he let you go so easily.

If he does decide he wants to try again might I suggest that you don't do the whole moving in mortgage thing. I've been with my husband 19 years and we've never lived together and finances separate . We both had children before we met and frankly I wasn't moving in or moving someone in to my solid set up. I like my independence as does he.

Original poster
Lilaclala · 12/09/2023 17:21

BananaSlug · 12/09/2023 17:09

PP are not wrong, you made another thread about finding love again as a single mum so obviously it isn’t just about this man…

Yes, I am worried about the future and being alone, but currently all I want is my ex. I have looked on dating apps, and it just makes me feel worse because none of them are him. I genuinely don't want anyone else...

OP posts:
GolgafrinchamB · 12/09/2023 18:30

OP, you’ll have much healthier relationships when you are happy in your own company than you will while desperately look for companionship.

Work in yourself first; everything follows in from that.

Original poster
Lilaclala · 12/09/2023 19:24

lightisnotwhite · 12/09/2023 17:17

I get that it tears both your world and heart apart.

If you love someone set them free goes the song. I'm not sure he can be your one if he let you go so easily.

If he does decide he wants to try again might I suggest that you don't do the whole moving in mortgage thing. I've been with my husband 19 years and we've never lived together and finances separate . We both had children before we met and frankly I wasn't moving in or moving someone in to my solid set up. I like my independence as does he.

I suggested that we stay living apart but he wasn't up for it because he saw it as lack of commitment on his part. Do you think that it's an unfair reason to suddenly split up with someone if you supposedly love them? I do, but I've had people on here saying that he did the right thing...

OP posts:
Sebock · 12/09/2023 19:48

I think you're doing a great job by starting in therapy. You've got a pattern of needing a man for validation. You got with this last guy when your child was an infant. You took a huge chance. And put your energy into a relationship instead of your tiny children. You've got some serious wound healing to do there OP. It can be done and you've take the crucial first step. Someday this bloke won't even illicit an emotional response at all in you. Because it was never really about him....

Original poster
Lilaclala · 12/09/2023 19:56

It is about him. I have never felt this way about any other man or any other breakup. And I did of course put my energy into the children as well as the relationship.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 12/09/2023 20:15

I’m sorry you’re still struggling with the break up. Sometimes you just don’t get a satisfactory answer as to why, why he let this stop the relationship if he really loved you. Truth is and I’m sure you know that if you meant that much to him, a couple of kids wouldn’t stop him committing. Maybe he just doesn’t want a future with kids. If he’s never mentioned his own kids then maybe he plans to have a life without kids. So he can go on spontaneous breaks, nights out etc. Maybe he realised it was too restricting. I’m sorry as it does hurt but you won’t feel this way forever. You will move on but right now it doesn’t sound like you’re ready to date anyone else. Book some nice nights out with friends and focus on something else. Unfortunately you’re never going to truly know why he’s done this. Take care

PaintYourPrettyPicture · 12/09/2023 20:26

I think your putting way too much emphasis on this man.
He enjoyed the relationship whilst everything brand new, shiny and fresh.
He had the all the benefits of a relationship without the commitment. He also had plenty of time to himself. Think about it , why would he want that to change?
It's so easy for men to future fake and go along with stuff, say the words you want to hear, but look at his actions. When push came to shove he proved himself totally unreliable. He'd had two years to think about the consequences of playing happy families, this is no sudden awakening. He knew full well what his intentions were at the beginning. Single mum's can be easy prey because you said yourself "I come with baggage" You have the wrong mentality. It should be a privilege to become part of your family. Raise your standards, make a success of parenting alone, become self sufficient. Knowing you can happily and competently stand on your own two feet is the best thing you can do for yourself and your children. He let your children down about the holiday, he's shown you his true colours, you haven't lost anything. Good bloody riddance.

Original poster
Lilaclala · 12/09/2023 20:55

PaintYourPrettyPicture · 12/09/2023 20:26

I think your putting way too much emphasis on this man.
He enjoyed the relationship whilst everything brand new, shiny and fresh.
He had the all the benefits of a relationship without the commitment. He also had plenty of time to himself. Think about it , why would he want that to change?
It's so easy for men to future fake and go along with stuff, say the words you want to hear, but look at his actions. When push came to shove he proved himself totally unreliable. He'd had two years to think about the consequences of playing happy families, this is no sudden awakening. He knew full well what his intentions were at the beginning. Single mum's can be easy prey because you said yourself "I come with baggage" You have the wrong mentality. It should be a privilege to become part of your family. Raise your standards, make a success of parenting alone, become self sufficient. Knowing you can happily and competently stand on your own two feet is the best thing you can do for yourself and your children. He let your children down about the holiday, he's shown you his true colours, you haven't lost anything. Good bloody riddance.

He also said he would end up resenting and hating me and my children if we lived together. It's so hurtful. Was like he'd had a personality change

OP posts:
Original poster
Lilaclala · 12/09/2023 21:02

But I also have regret, because I hadn't brought up the mortgage topic (it had always been on the cards but we were expecting it to be next year. We were waiting for my parents to donate me some money to add to his house sale so we could buy one together) then we would still be together. I just wonder if this would have happened anyway even if it had been a year or 2 down the line. He was also disappointed that we couldn't get a house for much better than his current one, so it would have been a non upgrade for him.

OP posts:
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