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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dumped after 2 years because I have children

339 replies

Lilaclala · 22/07/2023 11:25

2 days ago I was dumped out of the blue by the man I was with for over 2 years. He was fully aware I had children from the start and never made it out to be a problem. He was the love of my life and I felt so lucky to have met him after my ex before him (father of my children) left me for a younger woman. He was kind, funny helpful, attractive and I honestly couldn't have asked for a better relationship. He always said he was committed and that he wanted a long term future with me and my 2 children. Recently we started discussing mortgages and moving in together etc and he seemed happy and positive about it. Then 2 days ago he came round in tears saying that he couldn't see a future with me and my children. He said he'd move in with me in a heartbeat but was worried he wouldn't enjoy his loss of freedom etc and everything he was giving up and that it would cause resentment. Its just so sudden and I feel so confused, hurt and let down. I'm 38 and worried I will never meet someone I love as much as him...

OP posts:
Lilaclala · 26/07/2023 13:32

Olika · 26/07/2023 09:44

I am sorry for what you are going through. I totally understand you are hurt, confused and disappointed as it happened so sudden. I always think I will not meet someone new and as great but I always did. And looking back at those men in my past now I realised they were not the ones it would have worked with and TG those relationships ended in order for me to meet my now husband. They say the person who is right chooses you back and repeating this to myself helped me thru the initial pain and helped me to concentrate on healing before I made myself available for dating again. You are only 38 and you have time to meet someone amazing who will choose you day after day, year after year and who will want to stick around through stepchildren, mortgage and that reality of everyday life after the honeymoon period of a relationship wears out. You deserve a man that chooses you back. Flowers

Thank you so much for your kind words

OP posts:
Lilaclala · 30/07/2023 06:53

I try to keep reminding myself that if he really wanted to be with me, If he really loved me then he would be and that this wouldn't be an obstacle. He can clearly live quite happily without me.
Still really struggling though.

OP posts:
Wheretostartstitching · 30/07/2023 06:56

Lilaclala · 30/07/2023 06:53

I try to keep reminding myself that if he really wanted to be with me, If he really loved me then he would be and that this wouldn't be an obstacle. He can clearly live quite happily without me.
Still really struggling though.

It’s only been just over a week. Be kind to yourself and give yourself more time.

Lilaclala · 30/07/2023 07:27

I can't stop thinking...maybe if I'd had my own child with him he wouldn't have left me. (Because then it would have been our family and not just mine). Not that he ever particularly expressed a wish for us to have a child, but that may have been bcs he knew I had enough on my plate with my own. All these 'what ifs ' going round in my mind......

OP posts:
startingover202 · 30/07/2023 07:42

Having a child with him would not have kept him. He probably would've been more resentful.

He values his freedom to do as he pleases. He probably didn't realise how restrictive children are.

Did you do much as a couple without the kids?

Does their father ever have them or do you have a supportive family?

Lilaclala · 30/07/2023 07:48

Yes we had a couple of evenings together during the week...had takeaways together etc. We went on lovely dates together at the weekends when my children were at their dad's or my parents'. He was so good at planning dates/days out etc. He also made an effort to include my children on a day out every couple of weeks.
My kids dad has mental health issues and is very unreliable and flakey....which probably hasn't helped matters.

OP posts:
Wheretostartstitching · 30/07/2023 07:56

Lilaclala · 30/07/2023 07:27

I can't stop thinking...maybe if I'd had my own child with him he wouldn't have left me. (Because then it would have been our family and not just mine). Not that he ever particularly expressed a wish for us to have a child, but that may have been bcs he knew I had enough on my plate with my own. All these 'what ifs ' going round in my mind......

Put that right out of your head.

It doesn’t even make sense. You didn’t know him long enough or well enough to be having a child with him, when you already have kids.

Having a kid with him doesn’t mean he would have stayed. He still wouldn’t have wanted to be a step parent to your children.

So the outcomes would have been

A - he moved in because you were pregnant, heavily resents you or (at least) your kids or both. He treats his own child very differently and your kids grow up miserable because they live with a step parent who doesn’t like them

B - He moves in realises he doesn’t want to be a step parent and lives back out and you are left co parenting with him. He takes his child 50% of the time or weekends, leaving the others behind reminding them of the difference every times.

Having his own child with you wouldn’t change his mind on wanting to be a step parent to your children. Even I if he does want a child of his own, or forms mean he wants them with someone who already has them.

You are having these thoughts because you were willing to hold on to him regardless of the cost. You would be willing to have a child with a man who doesn’t want to live with your children to keep him. Disrupt your life and your kids lives, impose someone who doesn’t want to live with them on to the kids, have a child and to a man who his telling you he doesn’t want to live with your kids all so you can keep him.

As before, this isn’t about him. You are simply afraid of being alone and imagining all the things you would do if it meant you wouldn’t be alone. You can’t really think that bringing a child into this relationship wouldn’t have solved all your issues and not created new ones.

startingover202 · 30/07/2023 07:57

Maybe your children's father being flakey and unreliable made him think he'd have to step up and parent your children.

He's made his decision. Being a step dad is not for him.

I don't think there is anything you could've done differently.

All you can do is try and move forward. It's very early days but in time you'll realise he wasn't right for your family.

Lilaclala · 30/07/2023 08:05

No its not about being alone, it's genuinely about him. I'm still in shock and and am feeling the loss of him very heavily. I keep wondering if he's thinking about me. But probably not...

OP posts:
Umwelt · 30/07/2023 08:19

I am in his shoes right now, with the exception that I love partners kids but, I also love my hobbies and my own space.
My kids do not get on with hers, due to age and interest, so making her dream of whole large family living together is not possible, at present anyway. Kids are settled in different places, so I sometimes feel she's being unreasonable and unrealistic expecting us all to move in with her.
We live 2 hours drive from each other on top of everything else.
It's been almost 2 years like this and personally I think we are getting best of both worlds- we spend time together and go adventures almost weekly, we take her kids when they are with her and we have our own time when we are not spending it together.
I don't think I'm a full time step dad material, part time, sure by all means.
Your guy freaked out tho, saying he'd resent your children was rather mean and unnecessary.
Wouldn't consider dating straight away, pointless and likely to lead to mistakes.
Take some time to grieve, make sure you love yourself and when you eventually start smiling, universe will put you right where you need to be.
Good luck.

Clara202 · 30/07/2023 08:20

This man is a child. He had no intention of settling down with you or anyone else, kids or no kids. Trust me you’re going to hear very soon that he’s back on tinder, seen in the pub with someone new or something to that effect. You’ve had a lucky escape and you will meet someone who wants you and your kids. Your kids aren’t baggage and how dare he make you feel like they are. He’s used that as an excuse. It’s not your kids that are the issue, it’s his inability to settle down. Take his reasons for the breakdown of his marriage with a pinch of salt too. When a man wants out of a relationship he’ll say anything. This man isn’t the one and when you meet the one you’ll be delighted this happened.

Lilaclala · 30/07/2023 08:31

Umwelt · 30/07/2023 08:19

I am in his shoes right now, with the exception that I love partners kids but, I also love my hobbies and my own space.
My kids do not get on with hers, due to age and interest, so making her dream of whole large family living together is not possible, at present anyway. Kids are settled in different places, so I sometimes feel she's being unreasonable and unrealistic expecting us all to move in with her.
We live 2 hours drive from each other on top of everything else.
It's been almost 2 years like this and personally I think we are getting best of both worlds- we spend time together and go adventures almost weekly, we take her kids when they are with her and we have our own time when we are not spending it together.
I don't think I'm a full time step dad material, part time, sure by all means.
Your guy freaked out tho, saying he'd resent your children was rather mean and unnecessary.
Wouldn't consider dating straight away, pointless and likely to lead to mistakes.
Take some time to grieve, make sure you love yourself and when you eventually start smiling, universe will put you right where you need to be.
Good luck.

Exactly...it was the best of both worlds. So I don't know why we couldn't have just stayed as we were, instead of him just ditching the whole relationship. It makes no sense to me. Makes me feel like he felt I wasn't worth holding on to.

OP posts:
Umwelt · 30/07/2023 08:49

There maybe more to the story...
My partner's children are older than yours, 18yo and 10yo so this makes huge difference.
Whatever happened happened, you have your kids and yourself to look after now. Start with yourself 🤗

Gingerboy22 · 30/07/2023 09:15

Lilaclala · 30/07/2023 08:31

Exactly...it was the best of both worlds. So I don't know why we couldn't have just stayed as we were, instead of him just ditching the whole relationship. It makes no sense to me. Makes me feel like he felt I wasn't worth holding on to.

Maybe he wants a full on living together future and he cannot see him in that because of the kids. It's not your fault in any way - it's just life and sometimes. it is shit.

Guiltyfeethavegotnorhythm0 · 30/07/2023 14:50

OP be kind to yourself and your kids , do lots of things together and for yourself and stay away from his regular haunts . Seeing him at all will only cause you pain , take all the time you and the kids need to heal 💐
P.s stop with the what ifs , they will not help you x .

Dillydollydingdong · 30/07/2023 14:59

Don't think it's been 2 years wasted just because it hasn't turned out to be forever. It's been 2 years that you've both enjoyed and had fun, rather than been sad and lonely.

Umwelt · 30/07/2023 16:15

Dillydollydingdong · 30/07/2023 14:59

Don't think it's been 2 years wasted just because it hasn't turned out to be forever. It's been 2 years that you've both enjoyed and had fun, rather than been sad and lonely.

Precisely this.
🤗

Aprilx · 30/07/2023 16:36

Lilaclala · 22/07/2023 11:35

No I don't think he's met someone else to be honest. This change of heart was literally over night. It was too sudden for that. This past weekend his wasbfine and acting completely normally

It probably wasn't an overnight change of heart. It may have been something he has thought about from time to time but when it started to become a reality, it made him realise it isn't what he wanted. It is better that he has done it now than in six months time.

I cannot imagine living with anybody else's children myself either to be honest and a loss of freedom (considering I don't have any of my own) is definitely one thought that I might have had. I would like to think I would have realised this sooner than two years in though.

Guiltyfeethavegotnorhythm0 · 07/08/2023 06:00

How are you getting on@Lilaclala I was thinking of your family last night?😊

Loopylooni · 07/08/2023 06:40

@Lilaclala he doesn't want to be a stepdad and this set up no longer works for him. Best he said it now than later. He probably wants his own children.

It sounds like you were hugely invested naturally but its not the be all and end all. I say this as a single parent myself. There will be someone else out there for you.

Lilaclala · 07/08/2023 07:34

Guiltyfeethavegotnorhythm0 · 07/08/2023 06:00

How are you getting on@Lilaclala I was thinking of your family last night?😊

Hi, thank you for thinking of me. I'm still feeling pretty low tbh. I just can't stop thinking it over and over in my head....wondering if there was anything I could have done differently to stop this happening. I just hate feeling like this. It could have been so different.....

OP posts:
MissHarrietBede · 07/08/2023 08:47

Coulda woulda shoulda thinking won't help. He wanted out, he got out.

Focus on the future, now, not the past.

Lilaclala · 07/08/2023 08:52

It's the suddenness that I can't get over. It was literally overnight.who the fuck makes such rash impulsive decisions. It was so out of character for him. I don't think I'll ever properly understand....
It has been nearly 3 weeks and although the initial shock is wearing off I still feel really shit. This is the second time in 2.5 years that I've has a partner walk out on me, leaving me heartbroken it's really made me lose faith in love

OP posts:
Guiltyfeethavegotnorhythm0 · 07/08/2023 09:08

💐

Loopylooni · 07/08/2023 09:23

@Lilaclala do you think you rushed into this wanting a brand new family because of what happened with your ex? It really sounds like to you, thats what a complete family looked like. Do you think he genuinely wanted the same?

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