Dumped after 2 years because I have children

[Lilaclala]

2 days ago I was dumped out of the blue by the man I was with for over 2 years. He was fully aware I had children from the start and never made it out to be a problem. He was the love of my life and I felt so lucky to have met him after my ex before him (father of my children) left me for a younger woman. He was kind, funny helpful, attractive and I honestly couldn't have asked for a better relationship. He always said he was committed and that he wanted a long term future with me and my 2 children. Recently we started discussing mortgages and moving in together etc and he seemed happy and positive about it. Then 2 days ago he came round in tears saying that he couldn't see a future with me and my children. He said he'd move in with me in a heartbeat but was worried he wouldn't enjoy his loss of freedom etc and everything he was giving up and that it would cause resentment. Its just so sudden and I feel so confused, hurt and let down. I'm 38 and worried I will never meet someone I love as much as him...

I never pressured him into anything. It was always him mentioning the future/moving in together etc. No I just wanted him. I didn't want a replacement father for my children. If he had really loved me he would have seen my children as part of me, and not an obstacle. I just don't get how someone can just walk out of my life that easily and suddenly....

I know this hurts but I think this is better than it rumbling on until it finishes or you being in the situation of someone I know.

She rushed a boyfriend into moving in, then a baby, then marriage and it's been a nightmare. He was horrible and cruel to her existing children and her. He then gave up work. She has kept him for a couple of decades now, they have no life together, no money and they do not even love each other. I think he will be off as soon as their joint child moves out.

I know that's extreme. But please try to focus on you and your children.

👏🙌Excellent post. You are blessed with a tender and caring ❤️ heart.

It’s possible he really loved you but self love is important too and Perhaps he loved himself enough to realise this set up wasn’t for him and didn’t want to do a poor job of being a step parent figure .

My friend has been with her partner since 2009 and he takes such little interest in her child who is now a teen, compared to how he is with their shared children and I think that’s awful.

And there are men (and women) who neither love their partner or their step kids but they just go along with it for convenience hence we see so many stories about stepparents either being uninterested or downright terrible.

You should be glad for this last minute escape because any partner who isn’t positively excited and enthusiastic about being a step parent has no business in your home or even in a serious relationship with you…for the sake of your kids.

He could have played it down and moved in but he chose to do the honest thing. It is only a shame it took him so long to realise.

She tolerates him after he is actively horrible to her kids? Poor children. This is what worries me about single women with young kids who are so desperate for men. They (some not all) often put up with anything to the detriment of their kids and it’s frightening . Society needs to do a better job of telling young girls and women they’re better of single than with an abusive guy.

I know. If that's how he really felt then it's obviously the right decision. Its just the sudden overnight thing that I thought was so weird....with no willingness to compromise or meet me in the middle. He could have at least spent more time with me and the children first over a longer period of time before he came to such a dramatic decision so suddenly and coldly. I have been communicating with him about some possessions I still have at his house and he's being so cold and unfriendly about it. I find it so weird how quickly someone can become a stranger.

@Lilaclala

Its just the sudden overnight thing that I thought was so weird....with no willingness to compromise or meet me in the middle.

You've mentioned the 'sudden decision' thing a few times. I think you need to realize that for him there was really nothing 'sudden' about it. Because people really don't just wake up suddenly one morning and completely out of the blue say "Nope, not for me!". It's normally something that has been eating at them or bothering them for weeks, even months. But they've been shoving it down, dismissing it, or trying to convince themselves that 'X' is what they want. But they eventually reach the undeniable realization that 'X' really isn't what they want

The problem is that they normally keep up their facade all the while this is going on inside them, because it's easier than honesty and because it keeps them in their status quo until their ready to 'jump'. Very, very unfair to the 'other party', because they should be being honest with them and say "I'm having doubts" right up front. Instead they let things drift or even intentionally conceal their doubt and decision to build up courage and then they say "I'm out of here". So yes, it was very sudden for you. Not so sudden for him.

So in actuality, instead of being so sad that he's walked away, you should be bloody angry that he led you on when he had such doubts. It was cruel of him. He let you 'stand on the rug' when he knew that he'd probably be yanking it out from under you.

Again, get angry!!

Yes my sadness is slowly turning to anger over what he's done to me. He's a coward and it's his loss tbh. He would rather live in his tiny OCD bachelor bubble than ever embrace anything new...

Good! Leave him to himself to live his life the way he chooses.

Keep your anger simmering, it will create the emotional distance you need for now. And when the time is right (and that's not right now as it's still too new) ask yourself what you have learnt from this. There are always lessons to be learnt, and we learn them best when we're sifting through the ashes, not when we try to dig in the hot coals.

@AcrossthePond55 Always such wise words.

So now that you’re 3 weeks in, and slowly starting to get over the shock, the more you will start to realise who he really was.

Keep strong and have faith in yourself because you really will be far better off in the end 💐

It might be a shock to you but I guarantee he's been mulling this for some time.

When shit starting getting real he decided to jump.

You say you have a small business you haven't got much time for.
Maybe the financial implications of supporting 3 extra people were too much.

Get yourself in a better place and you'll find the right person.

Yes I think he was also worried about the financial implications but I wouldn't have let him just support my children! And that isn't a reason to break up with someone. He could have just said let's wait until we're financially in a better position. You say you think he was mulling it over for some time but it really didn't seem like it. Nothing in his behaviour had changed and he had even made a 'snagging list' of things to do to his house ready for sale. It happened the day after he had a meeting with his mortgage advisor and he was disappointed to learn that we wouldn't be able to get a house much better than his current one. My parents were going to put in 100k to help out, but because of my limited income we could have only got a house for 325 when his was worth 290...so he obviously thought it wasn't worth it. He never seemed remotely financially driven so this confuses me also....

I think from speaking to the guy I knew who did this that it is literally that they do not want a relationship where there are others in the home. They don't want involved with the potential issues that a parent has especially when they have no children themselves. They maybe think they are open to it but because they don't have any they do not realise the commitment and impact it has. They want a one to one relationship.

I think people rarely make rash decisions like this without mulling it over for a while, even if it didn't seem like it to you. My marriage ended really suddenly to me but my ex husband must have been thinking about it for some time (especially as he was having an affair).

I know how lonely being a single parent can be but I honestly think while your dc are so young that perhaps this has been a blessing in disguise. To have already had your home life uprooted once at such a young age, the chances of it happening again with this guy would have been high by the sounds of it if you had moved in together. It's only now my dc are 15 and 17 that me and my dp of 4 years are about to move in together. I wanted stability for them at home and if the worst was to happen with dp, they are old enough to understand and cope. It's also our house he is moving into as I do not want to be financially tied to anyone else or potentially lose what I have worked hard for for me and my dc.

What I'm saying is everything I do, I put my dc first (also made sure they were old enough to be fully on board with dp moving in before it became a reality). A relationship where you have your own space and security when you have young dc is, in my opinion and I know some will disagree, really important.

The fact that he doesn't even ant to continue as you have been doing though suggests he doesn't want to be in the relationship any more at all.

I know it hurts, and I know its a cliche but time will help. Try not to contact him as it just prolongs the pain and time it takes to move on.

You haven't wasted 2 years of your life, you have had some good times and learnt important lessons.

It seems the financial burden seems to have been the decider.

He probably can't afford to support 3 extra people.

With your children so young it will be quite sometime before you could equally contribute and then there would be childcare costs if you went back to work etc.

He is probably looking to have a proper relationship where he can live with someone and realised that he cannot have that with you.

When it comes down to it he doesn't want the relationship, whether it's because of the living situation or something else. It hurts but I would focus my energy on moving on rather than thinking about what ifs, there is a good chance that even if the mortgage issue hadn't arisen that he would still have ended it

Yeah but surely a relationship and feelings shouldn't be so fragile. If you properly love and care for someone then you should be willing to do what it takes to make things work...not just give up at the first hurdle. Relationships are about compromise. I know if the situation was reversed and it was him who had children and not me I would never have just abandoned him like this. I guess I was more emotionally invested in the relationship than him. He said he loved me but it can't have been very much. I find it hard to believe...

You say you think he was mulling it over for some time but it really didn't seem like it. Nothing in his behaviour had changed and he had even made a 'snagging list' of things to do to his house ready for sale.

You're doing it again, lovely. Yes, it seemed like it to you, but it wasn't to him. And hiding his doubts is part and parcel of 'what they do'. He doubted, but he didn't want to cut off his nose to spite his face, just in case he decided his doubts were unfounded. But he didn't decide that. He decided that a ready made family was simply not for him. It's painful I know, but you need to accept that the made the choice that was right for him, even if it feels wrong to you.

Yeah but surely a relationship and feelings shouldn't be so fragile. If you properly love and care for someone then you should be willing to do what it takes to make things work

You need to consider this truth; you can love someone to distraction, but that doesn't mean they are right for you. And no, loving someone to distraction doesn't mean you 'do what it takes' if what it takes isn't what you want. In essence, this would be asking someone to go against their nature, against their own desires for their life. The result of this would be that they are unfulfilled in some way, or are very unhappy in their life. In a 'properly' loving and caring relationship, this often means letting someone go if they decide what you have to offer isn't what they need or want. In this way, yes, a relationship can be fragile.

But the 'fragility' isn't someone saying 'this isn't for me I'm leaving', it's that person saying 'This isn't the life I want, but I will stay to make the other person happy'. That really is building a house on shifting sands. And the other person won't know that until the house crumbles into the sea. It sounds as if that's what's just happened to you.

I've been on both sides of this situation. I know the pain of being the one left. But I also know the pain of staying somewhere I really didn't want to be, of 'forcing' myself to try to be happy. Believe me, it's better to be honest and leave, and free the other person to find someone with whom they can truly be happy.

@AcrossthePond55 is so right.

The whole ‘do what it takes if you love someone’ is often a road to unhappiness.

The whole view that if it’s real love, you will fight and make it work, isn’t healthy. Especially if it means being on a situation you don’t want to be in.

You can love someone very much, it doesn’t mean you must be with them. You can love someone and know, that for your long term happiness (and the happiness of the other person) you need to leave.

To be honest, I don't completely agree with that. I'm just talking from my own perspective/brain and what I can imagine myself doing in that situation. If I was that attached to someone, and if I genuinely couldn't imagine my life without that person I would not just give up on them due to the fact that they had children. At 40 it's kind of expected anyway, as I've already said. It's not like he's 25. If he doesn't want to be with someone who's got children at his age he's considerably narrowing his options.

Without wanting to cause false hope, I think its possible he may come back. He is clearly panicking, but also clearly has strong feelings for you, so may just be running away for a while because he's conflicted. I think it would take a great deal of resolve on his part to give up the relationship if he truly loves you, without at least a 'can't we just carry on as we are?' type suggestion from him.
If this comes, you need to be prepared with your answer. Does he really need to have a life with you and your children? A few years time and they will be a lot more independent. Perhaps carrying on as you are for now would work.
Anyway, it may not come to that, he may well have made his mind up, but the suddenness of it does give pause for thought.

At 40 he could easily end up with a woman in her late 20s early 30s. The reality of raising someone else's kids seems to have been too much for him. Your kids were very young with one a baby (if I have the timeline right) when you met him. The reality of an older toddler bickering with a sibling is much different.

You need to do some work on yourself OP. Those kids need you and not the version of you that is torn apart over some bloke.

He understands that you and your children come as a package deal and he has realised that he can't commit to that , as hard as it is you need to accept his decision and move on

This

His coldness to you when you enquired about your stuff at his may indicate his interest lies elsewhere, or he's done the idolise, devalue, discard cycle.