Dating is awful

[Corastiredmummy]

Just wondered how many other women in their late 30s absolutely despise dating in this era?
It seems most men just want you to either send them naked pictures or go on a first 'date' at their house. That is not date. That is a scene from a movie where the woman doesn't return home.
Guys on dating apps are total time wasters, or you meet them and they don't look like their pictures (and you've made an effort with hair washing/doing your makeup).
I'm 38, I look after myself very well, I'm successful....but sadly I live in Hull and it seems most of the men here are not at all what I'm after. I'm so over it :(

Well, sadly no one else is going to control the World's population of dodgy males, so we have to do what we can, respect ourselves, look after ourselves, and most important, use our influence on our own children - empower our daughters to have self respect, attain the best education they can, the best career they can, emphasise the importance of being independent, especially financially, etc. Tell our sons that girls/women aren't just objects of their desire, respect them, etc. There's no more we can do really than look after ourselves as best we can and bring up our children to be responsible, independent and respectful members of society. More than anything, we need to stop expecting "someone else" to deal with dodgy blokes - it's impossible. We need to take control over what we can influence.

Is this actually serious? If we don’t want unsolicited dick pics then it means we’re nit interested in sex?? Wtaf??

And no I can’t understand why they do it?

I love sex with the right person but sending nude photos is a way of testing women out to see if they like sex - just wow

Like the bloke who asked my mate on his second message if she was wearing knickers under her trousers in her profile photo then denounced her as a typical old prude who’d rather have a cup of tea than a shag because she said it wasn’t something she wanted to discuss with a random bloke

I never understand the younger woman thing, why do men in their 50s want kids.

Surely it's a quick way of filtering out women who aren't interested in sex as against those who are. Nothing quicker than a dick pic to sort them out. The ones who keep in contact are worth pursuing for them

So then why do they lie on their profile about wanting a serious relationship? that would be a much better filtering system but they never do that do they?!- they never say "I'm after something casual/fun"- surely that would be far quicker than chatting to women pretending to be interested in them and interested in a serious relationship?!

I love sex with the right person but sending nude photos is a way of testing women out to see if they like sex - just wow

This too. I love sex, cant get enough of it with the right person, but I'm not shagging someone Ive spoken to only twice and never met in person yet, doesnt make me not interested in sex 😆

Absolutely. I never swipe for anyone looking for casual or fun and make it clear I’m not looking for a FWB or hook up but then they still start the sexual stuff after a few days.

No, I can't understand really - they are basically flashing someone, albeit in digital form. It's gross and uncalled for. Nice of you to excuse it though...

Do they really think most women are going to be anything other than disgusted?

And as a previous poster has said, some of these men put 'looking for a relationship' or similar on their profile, when they blatantly aren't.

Absolutely. And never has a photo of a random dick made me want to whip my knickers off and invite him over.

They're not trying to get actual sex. They're trying to get someone to sext. So they've sent out their dick pick to their 100 matches or whatever, and maybe one woman will engage, because for whatever reason she fancies a bit of sexting a random stranger that night, and they can't care less about the 99 women who don't.

Is that all you've got?

I don't think we should underestimate the male on female misogyny, but in a way it doesn't matter where it's coming from. When we ask the question of where male misogyny and sexism come from and we literally don't even consider male behaviours in the questions we ask...

When we ask what mothers are doing (for grown men!) and don't mention fathers? And we say "but women do most of the child rearing!" and don't question whether that might also be significant?

@Corastiredmummy

Just finished a yoga session which I enjoyed thoroughly but my mind is a bit too relaxed, so, I don't want this post to read anything other than supportive.

I spent years focused on my demanding career, so I was never a pro with dating ( I regretted not doing at least some semi-proper dating when younger). I just loved books and wanted a family one day! So, a person who could win clients everything from rights to money, was absolutely clueless with dating. Luckily, I am likeable so when I wanted to start dating, many women who were not career oriented and therefore live an entirely different existence to me, helped massively. I learnt fast not to fall for anyone too quickly, to think like a woman but date like a man ( that is: it is a number's game) and not to go on dates thinking he will be my husband- it was a complete overhaul of how I had viewed life and was exhausting adjusting my emotions. I also moved from a country where men approached women they liked, but not many English men do. So I had had to learn to meet them half way. etc etc

1.I agree- dating in the UK is soul destroying. The reality of this was brought home when a lady who I would say is a 10 (I am possibly a 7/8 or 10 according to who you ask) confessed that she has witnessed her and her friends going past child-bearing years without meeting someone. I had been on online dating for about 8 years by then. As I travelled around the world, I left online dating and opened myself to dating anyone I met in person and liked, even outside the UK. I met a lovely guy abroad and dated for 4 years (planning to marry)and then he died of covid.

I was then lucky with online dating after his death that I met my now husband within 2 months of being back online.
2.I therefore agree with you to take long breaks from online dating- I am sorry age is a factor but I was the same age too.

3.I was very lucky during the soul destroying years that I lived in a lovely part of London where everyone was happy to come to for a walk- sorry you are outside London so can't assist there. Talk about Hyde Park a 10 min away, King's road and its fashionable cafes right opposite my home. So, I learnt that if he doesn't come to near you or propose somewhere mid way, he was not worth it. I stuck with that, and they all came to where I was as it was a nice day out for them in a lovely area.

4.Luckily, I don't need to wear make-uo to go on a date.In fact, I went on many of them straight from my gym- where I lived, we shower after gym and put on fresh gym wear to go home- so I just dumped my gym back in the house and was off. I also paid my gy, £10 a month for a locker so I was able to move easily. I can count very very few first dates I had gone on where I was made up- that helped as I was juggling work with dating so had limited time.
5.I always had requests for 2nd dates and sometimes it is me who declines- I was also advised to not expect fireworks on first date, so I must have only declined a 3 or 4 second dates. I did decline more 3rd dates. Only twice I was not invited on a 3rd date- all this over almost a decade of online dating.

5.London worked as a filter for me, as it is impossible for anyone fake in London not to slip up within 3 months. Some people's desperation to be in a relationship (any relationship) showed before you even met them or within a 2 or 3 weeks. So, at least I knew it was not me, but my no nonsense antennae doing its work.

6.I took mini breaks from online dating and sometimes would go on it to just have fun dates ( I never do casual sex as I need an emotional connection first). It worked and lightened me up a bit and would be less strict with who I agreed to meet up with. Alternated with a more serious me/ dating. It was necessary for my soul and it helped.

6.A lady (straight was my option) contacted me as she read my ad and thought we wanted similar people so we should hang out and go out together occasionally to meet people irl. I was freaked out and was cautious with her for 12 months, but it worked out great as she didn't live far from me and sometimes we just went out for tea, walks, meals, shopping in the hope of meeting nice men. we became friends for 4 years until she moved country.

7.My DH is older and I have decided if something happened to him ( he is a few years older than me), I will not go on online dating again and don't plan to remarry unless a lovely lovely man showed up in my life again.

8.However, maybe I will not need to go online as I will live in same area again, meet people in airport lounges as I travel comfortably and will join membership clubs for hobbies I enjoy. I will probably just want male friends some of whom I met during my dating times (1 online and the other 2 normally).

9.However, thinking of my online dating years is enough to make me shudder. Luckily, I made it as survivable for me as much as possible. And going only 5 mins away (or no more than 15/20 mins) from home and staying no more than 2/3 hours ( advice was to keep 1st dates short) helped me massively to implement the 'it's a numbers game'. I also knew I was not 'putting myself out there' because I did. Not having to wear make-up 80% of the time also worked. It helped my fav first date ideas are 1) coffee and 2) a walk in a public park. However, I have had absolute gentlemen who also invited me to dinner on first date and I went.

good luck op.

Also, I later learnt not to exchange too many messages before meeting. So a few messages and meet.

That was also good to weed out the socially inept people who 'only wanted to date through their keyboards and have no intention to even meet anyone' .So many weirdos on online dating.

As a man I disagree... men who send dick pics get off on making women uncomfortable and violated. They're twisted and damaged misogynists who are emotionally inept, with this being their revenge for years of perceived injustice of not having their lust reciprocated.

@Kazzyhoward

Surely it's a quick way of filtering out women who aren't interested in sex as against those who are. Nothing quicker than a dick pic to sort them out. The ones who keep in contact are worth pursuing for them.

Surely a dick pic just puts off women who may otherwise have been interested in sex. I've never ever heard of any woman who has said that an unsolicited dick pic made them want to have sex with that man, EVER! Men know that dick pics won't lead to sex... we men can be stupid, but we're not that stupid!

Sure, if you can get the matches - but as that video demonstrates, the vast majority of men using them don't!

Again, I totally understand how difficult it is for women. As a man, I am grateful that I never have to worry about the same sort of thing plenty of women do, unsolicited dick pics, concerns for their personal safety, and that sort of thing. I definitely don't take that for granted at all.

But I'm just offering the other perspective. I don't think there is enough said about the detrimental affects dating apps can have on one's mental health - particularly for younger people - both men and women.

I know from my own experience of using them, and the relatively few matches/interest I'd receive (even after making an effort to use nice photos, have a complete profile, send better opening messages than just "hi", "how are you" etc), it really made me start second guessing myself. Wondering if there was "something wrong with me", if it was just me, that type of thing.

So, when you see sweeping generalisations on here about how awful men are, how we're all nothing more than sex pests, it definitely grates.

The thing you have to remember is that male users greatly outnumber female users on all the big dating apps. There are decent males on the apps - they're just not having any luck getting noticed!

To answer another user's posts as to why men send dick pics - I have no idea. I've never done that. As someone else said, perhaps it's just out of desperation.

It's part of the bargain.... If they want a hot young woman, they accept that the price they might have to pay is kids... but as they're thinking with their dick, it's a price worth paying. They'll reckon they'll just leave if it's no longer fun... as it's (supposedly) a woman's job to bring up the kids anyway.

Online dating is only great for two types of people:

Women who want casual sex
Men who are both hot and socially skilled

For everyone else, it's either a hard slog, or a nightmare.

Absolutely it’s very off putting. And it doesn’t to even be a dick pic. Any sort of so called sexy photo from someone I’ve not yet met means delete.

Twice I’ve had dates arranged with seemingly decent blokes. And on both occasions they’ve decided to treat me with an almost naked photo a day or two before - first bloke the bath with a few bubbles covering his tackle with the question ‘do you want to blow my bubbles and reveal your prize?’
Second bloke I was at work and he sent me a photo of him laying naked on the bed at an angle where his bare arse was fully displayed and his leg just about covering his bits. When I replied I didn’t think it was particularly appropriate, he accused me of being a miserable prudish cow Ithaca no sense of humour.

Needless to say neither date went ahead

@guineacup Grim!

I did not receive a dick pic. Thank God. I did have someone desperate for me to send him pics of me in my nighty- I must have said I was off to bed. I turned it around and rather focused him on our agreement to meet but it was a tricky time for him (so he kept saying) to arrange a day. I never met him as he won't commit so I was left wondering how many pics of women he was collecting and getting off on..

FAOD he was all normal and nice for a few weeks before that.

Yes. Sending dick pics is something these men get off on, making the woman an unwilling participant in their sexual fantasy. They get off on the thought of making a woman feeling violated. Like any sexual assault, it's about power. I don't think it has anything to do with trying to entice a woman into bed.

He probably asked many, but likely received none. I very much doubt he has a collection of nightie photos from Tinder matches he's yet to even meet.