Husband has left but is very angry and I don’t understand

[Gardenerboo]

Hi there,
things have been rocky for a while in my marriage. Husband decided to leave which is actually totally fine.

I’ve been calm, rational, factual, respectful. However, he is off-the-chart angry, honestly verging on rage and I’m baffled. He called it quits but either of us could have done, I guess I’ve just wanted to try to make everything ok. Something you can’t.

There has been no drama, he’s moved to his Mum’s. He won’t communicate in any way (talk, text, email) and I’m not pressuring him to. But we have 2 children and will need to communicate at some point.

I’m giving him space and doing everything with the children but the rage is hard to understand.

any insights gratefully received!

thank you

He sounds horrible.

Anger at others can sometimes be a cover for being angry at their own failures in life.

When he sees you he sees a failed relationship, the mother of his children who he is tied to for many years and he is angry that he can't just walk away without having to be responsible.

Possibly!

@Jongleterre interesting. You’ve described him very well! Thank you. Actually made me a bit tearful. Everything is my fault according to him and so it’s interesting to hear a fresh opinion. Thank you!

Angry that you have begged him to stay and that you aren't changing to give him what he wants?

Flouncing may have been a last attempt to get you to bed and change and it didn't work.

Agree that some people, particularly men, cannot process emotions very well, and it comes out in the one 'acceptable' male emotion which is anger. So everything is expressed that way. It is a way of deflecting the pain away - it's easier to rage at someone else and blame them for your woes than it is to admit, even to yourself, "Bloody hell I am HURTING here"

You don't need that in your life. It's not your job - it's up to him to manage his emotions. It isn't righteous anger about some terrible wrong that you have done - it is anger at the situation, at himself, at you for being a source of pain, at the world.

He's either feeling very guilty but can't live with it so is protecting himself by projecting it on to you (and this x10 if there is another person involved).
Or he just feels generally angry that life hasn't turned out as he thought it would and is projecting it on to your

Either way don't get tied up in it. Keep comms factual, short and to the point. No emotion. Anything else is a waste of your energy.

@ClawedButler I sort of felt something along these lines might be the case but it was his choice to leave and as such it doesn’t feel logical. But he is a man and not very emotional or communicative, your response makes sense.

@lastminutewednesday My thoughts exactly re comms. Brief, factual and polite. I actually don’t have the energy or inclination to rage back!

Onwards and upwards with my gorgeous daughters.

You don't say what sort of problems you were having but my immediate thought is that he didn't really want to leave. It was a last ditch attempt to make you change/ do things different/accept different things ie a form of ultimatum. And the anger is because nothing has changed.

whether or not he had a reason to expect you to do/say/change things, I couldn't say, but either way, now he has to live with his decision and I suspect that infuriates him.

PS if he is so angry he refuses to engage with his children then quite frankly, he's a complete wanker.

Probably desperate for a big blow up op
And you have taken the wind out of his sales
All that adrenaline has no where to go now
You being cool and calm is enraging him, he sees it as you not caring
And not fighting for him, so he at least would have got to slap you down

Your not playing ball, all you can do is keep on managing your end
Until like a storm he has blown himself out

Love your last sentence @Guiltypleasures001 I will make that my mantra. Thank you.

A friend got left by her husband, I always considered him the meekest man in the world but post separation he was like a rage monster. He was very destructive for a couple years. I think it was all due to bottling it all up inside for so long. Protect yourself and get those ducks in a row.

If he's refusing to engage with you, why aren't you angry? I assume you're being left with all the childcare, financial, emotional, logistical responsibilities for the children? Including explaining why daddy has disappeared?

Sounds like he gets to be angry and use that as an excuse to do whatever he likes. I bet he did it while you were married too.

I think its because you didn't throw yourself at his feet and beg him to stay or show any emotion in fact. That his leaving isn't having the effect on you it is on him.

Also maybe the reality of his decision has hit him?

Onwards and upwards OP!

I agree the separation hasn't gone as he expected. He probably expected you to beg, plead, say the kids need him and are crying for daddy and you'll do anything if only he'd come back. You haven't and he's taken a dent to his ego. He probably didn't expect separation to be long term.

Instead he's facing divorce. No idea what issues you've been having but it sounds like he can't say there was cheating, can't say you were volatile and had big bust ups so he left for the kids sake so they didn't see it. He left because he didn't want to try anymore, and that looks 'bad' on him if he walked away from wife and kids but doesn't have a big 'reason' for doing it.

His life is very different to expected and its coming out in anger. Rise above as you have, ducks in a row.

Wow! I wasn’t expecting you all to be quite so razor-sharp insightful! You’ve really described his previous behaviour very well. @HowcanIhelp123 @VictoriaVenkman

As for why am I not angry? @MsMarch it won’t change anything and will give him more ‘evidence’ that I’m difficult and unreasonable. He’s never been a grown-up in the relationship so actually my workload isn’t that different. I’d rather be happy and with my daughters than raging at him.

It’s impossible to say without knowing what sort of things he is blaming you for/complaining about. What are the issues that have made your marriage rocky?

What a PP said about men expressing other emotions as anger because that is what feels acceptable to them is very accurate.

@WhichEllie just not getting on (long term), low-level life stress (work, kids). Not 1 big thing, simply falling out of love I suppose. We’ve both given it a fair shot and this feels like the natural end to me. I’m not fighting it.

How is he with other family members OP? I noticed with my DP that he unleashes anger at me when it feels "safe", i.e. when he doesn't think I'll leave him. Most of the time he restrains it because he knows that you can't continue on in a partnership acting like that. But he does exhibit anger to other "safe" family members, like his mum. I have no doubt that if it were over and there was no threat of leaving he would be a rage machine. I wonder whether it's the same with yours. Now the last threat of divorce is over he is showing his full horrible self.

Agree with everyone else, you are doing an amazing job at keeping calm and not rising like he wants to. Then it would be "a fight" or "an acrimonious divorce". Now instead it's just him going mad while you carry on, which is excellent.

How do you know he's raging if he's not communicating? Is he sending angry messages? Not nitpicking, just curious. Did he storm out in a rage and you haven't heard from him since? How long ago did he move out?

It's probably partly because you're being adult and reasonable, yes. He's been living delusionally as the hero of his own story and he's absolutely furious that walking out on his family has made him 'the bad guy'. It's a very childish way of thinking.

@ModestMoon he is charm personified to absolutely everyone else. Genuinely all of our friends and family would be very shocked to hear the verbal abuse and see the way he glares at me and ignore me.

He works in a caring role with vulnerable people and they all adore him. He’d be Mr Sunshine at work and then come home and be hideous to the children and me. We’re the only ones that have witnessed it, even his closest friends won’t have seen this side to him.

@MumLass I spoke to him briefly on Monday evening to ask if he could have the children while I go away for work. I was careful to explain that I had a plan B and that it was entirely up to him.

His response was to make a weird hissy shouty sound and say ‘Well you can fuck right off’ and hung up.

I’ve left it at that.

However, you make a good point! Perhaps he’s not raging, but he certainly has been!

He's angry because he see's you coping without him.

The best thing you can do is concentrate on yourself and your DDs. Don't expect any support from him and you won't be disappointed. Obviously he will need to financially support the children. His rage is really at himself, but its easier to direct it towards you!

A good friend, whose husband left her and the kids for another OW. She was distraught at first. Once custody, financials & separation were in place, as far she was concerned this is the new set up. Every time he picked up the Kids he would barely look at her, angry towards her. She couldn't understand it, as far as she was concerned he got everything he wanted, left home, has OW, kids visiting, but he was still angry at her.

Because, she had moved on, was getting on with her life, just how some men are!

You haven't done the pick me dance. You haven't begged him back. That hurts his ego.

Alternatively, he needs to prove to himself its a negative and hostile environment in order to justice him leaving. Your not living up to his narrative.