Husband has left but is very angry and I don’t understand

[Gardenerboo]

Hi there,
things have been rocky for a while in my marriage. Husband decided to leave which is actually totally fine.

I’ve been calm, rational, factual, respectful. However, he is off-the-chart angry, honestly verging on rage and I’m baffled. He called it quits but either of us could have done, I guess I’ve just wanted to try to make everything ok. Something you can’t.

There has been no drama, he’s moved to his Mum’s. He won’t communicate in any way (talk, text, email) and I’m not pressuring him to. But we have 2 children and will need to communicate at some point.

I’m giving him space and doing everything with the children but the rage is hard to understand.

any insights gratefully received!

thank you

Husband decided to leave which is actually totally fine.

This is why he is angry. Ignore him. Onwards and upwards xx

My ex did this. He had literally nothing to be angry about but he flounced and sulked like never before.

I think it's because he likes being a victim. He wasn't actually the victim, I was. But his anger helped him to believe otherwise.

Thank you everyone. You’ve made me feel better than you realise.

Also useful to help me make sense of the jumble of thoughts in my head. You start to go a bit mad!

This is what I was thinking too, reading your posts.

Well done for getting rid of him, he sounds awful - but he also sounds like an abusive individual who has had you all tiptoeing around him on eggshells. If so, he won't like losing control. And the most dangerous time for victims is when they leave the abusive relationship.

I'd be giving some serious thought to ways you can safeguard you and your daughters in the present situation - alert the neighbours, cameras to record evidence of his behaviour etc.

@RandomMess great idea! Do you know the names of any? I’ll have a Google. I am keeping a diary and keeping all messages…

@Takenoprisoner he does care massively what people think of him, yes. People would be incredibly surprised by his behaviour at home, his temper directed at the girls and I.

Accidentally go on Facebook live when he is hitting the roof at you and your girls

@Theunamedcat 🤣

My ex was absolutely livid that I wasn't empathetic with him about how much it hurt him and broke HIS heart that he walked out in me when I was 8m pregnant. He said 'I'm heartbroken too, all you can think about right now is yourself' 👀

I think the pp saying that he's so annoyed you didn't change the things he thought you should have done (and deep down somewhere that he couldn't change himself) is the root cause

@ScrambledSmegs thats a perfect description! ‘The hero of his own story’, that’s exactly right!

Keep a diary of stuff like that as once he realized he'll have to pay you child maintenance he may go for custody

Sounds similar to my husband when he left me. The better I coped and the calmer I was the angrier he became. I think it was because he had told people (mainly his parents) he had left me because I was some kind of Psycho and my perfectly rational and mature response undermined his narrative. He left me because he thought the grass was greener and started frantically dating to prove he’d done the right thing. If it’s any consolation we can now be civil and he calmed down once he’d found a girlfriend. Part of me thinks he was hoping I’d beg him to come back and start behaving like the obedient little wife he thought I should be & in not doing so I’d foiled his plan. Stay strong and be proud of yourself for not allowing him to provoke you.

@Singlepringle1980 you sound brilliant. I hope I can remain calm and dignified. It’s all quite new and raw just now but I do feel weirdly serene.

We’d agreed to tell the girls together at the start of the holidays but I’ve come home from work with the girls and he’s taken almost all of his belongings. This would be fine if it weren’t for the fact that it’s difficult to explain to the girls. He won’t respond to requests for a plan to talk to them at the weekend and if I tell the girls alone, I’ll be the bad guy.

“We need to set a time to tell the girls in the next week, otherwise I will be forced to tell them myself. When is a good time for you?”

If he ignores that text “I will have to take that as your consent for me to tell them myself.”

@AtrociousCircumstance that is perfect. Thank you, feeling really wobbly and unsure how to handle this when he’s so angry/immature. That wording is great.

Thank you for the practical advice @Goldbar he has been physically and verbally challenging in the past. Never hit me but is a big man and has broken items.

I can’t believe I’m in this position.

@itsmyp4rty that all makes total sense. not ever considered the N word…

Interestingly (infuriatingly), he would often do something wrong, I’d be upset or sad or angry about whatever he’d done and I’d be to blame.

He once took my work iPad on a day trip after I had explained that everyone could use it but because it was a work item without a case, I’d like it left in the house.

He took it outside and dropped it. Somehow my reaction made the entire situation my fault. This happened repeatedly. I’d be left wondering what on earth I’d done wrong.

OP I've read your updates and it seems like he is behaving exactly as he used to with the difference that now you can see his true colours.
The good news is that you don't have to pull his crap anymore and even not listening to him.
Start the process regardless of your marital status. Claim maintenance for the kids, send him a very clear email explaining that if he doesn't want to talk or see the kids that's fine but that needs to be in writing and get an agreement with mediation. Check your finances and how you will be doing the stuff and ignore his tantrums. You lossing your temper/ begging him to come back is what he wants because he wants a big reaction from you to twist it on his benefit.
Keep being yourself and short the logistics of your live with or without him and get proof because he may well get you to court making up some bullshit if he doesn't fell like he is winning.

People like him behave soooo similarly, and there is thousands of threads in this forum of people that can't believe the degree of immaturity/ selfishness and estupidity that the can show.

This thread is eye opening, and I hope it is for you too @Gardenerboo . You atarted by saying how you both just fell out of love, either could have left, and have gone on to describe an awful and abusive man in every subsequent post.

The reason they break stuff is to make you fear that one day it will be you so you don't provoke them.

He has been physically and emotionally abusive to you and the girls and, while I'm rooting all the way for team gardenerboo, I would definitely take advice from people who know more about it than me on how to leave an abusive relationship safely.

Did he have you and the girls walking on eggshells round him so you didn't "provoke" his anger? Was it your/their fault when he lost his temper?

It seems to me he's angry because he's lost control of the situation, not because he's hurting.

Only you can make the call as to what's in their best interests, but personally I would think twice about encouraging your DDs to spend time with an angry man, especially if he's not pushing for contact.

@ConnieTucker that’s made me sob. It is incredibly eye opening. You don’t realise when you’re in it, you just sort of get on with things.

When strangers on the internet point out the obvious, it helps to make things clearer.

@Goldbar one of the reasons I stayed for so long was the fear of 50:50 child care split knowing his temper etc. Nothing he did would be quite bad enough for the courts to keep the children away from him. That’s sad but I know it’s true. Absolutely to the egg shells although he always accused me of making him feel like that…

I’m not pushing for them to go, I’m just doing the right thing I suppose. They’re almost old enough to decide for themselves too which is good.

@Gardenerboo . There you have it, I think. He "called it quits" as a means of exercising control over you (not because he really wanted to leave) and now he's lost his control, hence the rage.

It's great that your daughters are almost at the stage where they will be able to make their own minds up on contact. It is really sad how many women stay to prevent their children receiving angry, neglectful parenting, but likewise I completely understand why they do it.

@Goldbar I never thought I’d be one of those women who ‘stayed for the kids’ but I wouldn’t change it. It was totally the right thing to do at the time.

My friend's husband left and she got a court order barring him from just accessing the house at will. I think it was something to do with her right to privacy? He'd left and do even though it was their joint house, he lost the right to just come and go. I would contact a solicitor and get that done as a matter of urgency.

And don't hide what he's truly like at home from other people. I think your mutual friends need to hear the story about the iPad - he's not a nice man that you've just grown apart from, he's an abusive one, hiding under a nice persona.

Please please keep a written record of abusive conversations (date, time, what was said) and keep any texts if he's stupid enough to send them. Keep all of your communications in writing if you can, polite and unemotional.

But get that fucker's access to the house revoked asap and get on to the financial stuff.
If there's shared overdraft facilities or joint bank accounts get your money moved to a sole account today. Get your name off anything he can run up debt on and you are jointly liable for. Don't underestimate what his anger can do.
Personally I wouldn't offer access to the dc at this point and would wait until he pushes for it. Some men are so rage filled they hurt their kids to hurt their wife. And if you think this is a possibility gather all your evidence of his rage and instability.

On a lighter note, if he is main card holder of a credit card that you are secondary card holder on, now is a good time to buy something expensive that he will get the bill for