Husband has left but is very angry and I don’t understand

[Gardenerboo]

Hi there,
things have been rocky for a while in my marriage. Husband decided to leave which is actually totally fine.

I’ve been calm, rational, factual, respectful. However, he is off-the-chart angry, honestly verging on rage and I’m baffled. He called it quits but either of us could have done, I guess I’ve just wanted to try to make everything ok. Something you can’t.

There has been no drama, he’s moved to his Mum’s. He won’t communicate in any way (talk, text, email) and I’m not pressuring him to. But we have 2 children and will need to communicate at some point.

I’m giving him space and doing everything with the children but the rage is hard to understand.

any insights gratefully received!

thank you

@BobShark that could also apply to us. I am sad for exactly all of the reasons you stated but I’m. Or angry and unreasonable or punishing my children.

Its always interesting (sorry that sounds like a cold way of putting it) when as a poster updates more info along the thread, we come to realises, and she does too, that the relationship wasn't just a case of two people not getting on. But there was infact abuse.

Very telling when you mentioned eating him know you had a backup plan when asking him to take the kids. Obviously he's being a dick rn but I'm sure many of us know the 'knowing' feeling that if they can do anything to inconvenience you, they will. So you try make it sound like whatever they decide isn't a big deal. That you have alrernative options. Or that you aren't particularly excited about something you have planned. Or that it doesn't matter if they come along or not.

In relationships with emotionally healthy people, we don't find ourselves conditioned to expect malignancy from them. We don't expect them to want to inconvenience or dissapoint us and find ourselves pre-emptively trying to prevent that. And even when we ultimately break up with them, even if there's anger, we expect them to be decent. But you already knew he'd want to actively cause trouble for you. I suspect, because even before this angry break up, you've had to 'manage' him by pretending things qrent important to you, so he didn't ruin them.

Sure sign of an abusive relationship.

*letting him know

You've offered him the chance to come break the news with you and he isn't on board. I'd be tempted to keep the news to the girls totally neutral and 50/50, and record it. Just in case he tries to spin a "she bad mouths me" yarn.

He will badmouth you REGARDLESS of what you do - he will lie about you even if and when you behave impeccably. Therefore, consider only what is best for you and your children.

I would suggest it is not best for them to be left in limbo, confused about what is happening. Age appropriate honesty. Don't lie to them to sugarcoat his behaviour (don't say, for example, that he really loves them and will see them soon).

I'm really sorry that you're having to take responsibility for all this but you're doing great. Be the consistent and trustworthy parent. They'll have been aware of more of his abuse than you believe.

Oh @ClementWeatherToday that’s what I need to hear. Almost be given permission to do what I know is right. Thank you.

@Pinkbonbon you've hit the nail on the head! That’s how I’ve been to the point I don’t even know how to be me!

This thread is showing me that things were worse than I realised… Not sure if that’s a good thing! Bit at least it’s not me going mad!

You will feel SO much better without him!

I suspect he is unhappy but wants to blame you so you being reasonable enrages him. He wants to have the moral high ground but can't so is taking it all out on you. What an absolute bellend. Well done for dealing with this so well!

Interestingly (infuriatingly), he would often do something wrong, I’d be upset or sad or angry about whatever he’d done and I’d be to blame.

This is my DH and it's taken thirty years and a forum called mumsnet for me to realise...it's not me. If you've managed to have your eyes opened when you still have primary aged children then you have done well, pat yourself on the back.

Word of warning. Once you realise the sheer extent of the manipulation and control he's had over you these past few years is when you could have a mini breakdown. Your whole concept of reality doesn't exist. Until you can right your upside down world focus on your children and the practical issues like paying the electric. Ignore anything to do with him, divorce or custody, block him out. You will come out on the other side, I promise you

I'd sit the kids down and tell them.
Ask them if there's anything they'd like to ask and just be honest with them. Don't try to paint him I'm a good light. Tell them he ended it and is not being the most pleasant atm. And that tbf the relationship should have ended long ago as its not healthy. And that you're sorry they've had to witness an unhealthy relationship. That you don't want the same for them when they grow up.That relationships should be kind and feel safe and loving.

Something along those lines.

Get your side in first, be honest and be open to their questions.

Otherwise he will get in there first and try to manipulate them.

He's not going to like it either way. He absolutely means you harm. But the best offence is a good defence. He'll be looking to slander you and make you the bad guy. He will struggle to do that if you tell your side to important people first.

It can take a while to fully accept the abuse so don't worry if this feels a bit overwhelming.

The technique of doing something wrong so that you get ypset/angry etc and then it becomes your fault and/or the original transgression is ignored is pretty common and insidious.

Often used as a way to portray themselves as victims to everyone else "see how she behaves?!"

@Pinkbonbon I’ve taken a screenshot of your words as inspiration. It’s spot on and I am really sorry they’ve witnessed such a sub-standard relationship (just hadn’t thought to voice that, I will.), god knows how much damage I’ve done.

@SavBlancTonight overwhelming is right! And I feel so justified reading these messages. I thought I was relatively intelligent and understood people but evidently not.

You wise women are making me feel better than I have in days. Thank you.

He absolutely means you harm

Keep that in mind and then you won't be surprised or shocked at any further fuckery he pulls.

Well we all make mistakes! It's hard to see things happening when we're in the thick of it. And abusive sorts have a way of keeping us in a foggy, confused state too tbf.

What matters is how we choose to move forwards.

Might be worth looking into the freedom programme online at some point. I dunno how old your little ones are but teens could maybe follow along with you on it.

There might be tears and tantrums but hopefully if you are honest with them and let them know they can talk talk you about anything they'll grow up into adults that are absolutely understanding. And respect you for choosing to no longer bow and scrape to a nasty man.

It's always hard to see things in your own relationship. Part of the way this sort of emotional abuse works is to make you question what you think is normal and right and, going further, to make it so that you no longer question the behaviours.

I'll give you a specific example of someone who is almost 2 years out of a relationship like this also with shared DC who he uses as a tool to "punish" her regularly because he is STILL angry at what he sees as HER ruining his life by leaving him. He is petty and awful and it's obvious to anyone. So you'd think that she would be able to ignore any sense that she is to blame after all this time? Right?

Wrong.

She recently planned to attend an annual public event. They used to do this thing together but she went with friends this year. It was taking place on a day he would usually have the children but she knew that she needed back up childcare in case he refused to have them when he found it.

So far, so expected for such a ridiculous unreasonable man. However, it turned out that she decided not to tell him for a long time? Why? Because she knew it would upset him and she didn't want to derail him as she knew he had an important week at work. Even after all this time, she's still taking responsibility for managing and mitigating his irrational and bizarre moods.

You're on week 1. give yourself time!

@Pinkbonbon ironically I’ve recommended the freedom programme to others in abusive relationships, didn’t see the obvious.

@SavBlancTonight I’m definitely conditioned to behave in a certain way. I know that. Not sure how you unpick that but I suppose recognising that is a good start.

Mooncup's "script for women" is epic.

By the way, your DC might not understand fully right away - even if they say they do. It's important they know that they can always come to you if they have any questions. They might think of something later they forgot to ask. They may be told something wildly different, particularly if their dad gets their ear. They may well, depending on how old they are, fill in the gaps in their knowledge and understanding with imagination. This is perfectly natural, but it might be an idea to keep the lines of communication open so harmful notions don't get lodged in their minds (e.g. Daddy left because I was bad, Mummy hates Daddy, Daddy wants to see us but Mummy stops us, that kind of thing).

Courage, mon brave! You're doing better than you think.

Will re read the script @ClawedButler, will re read the entire thread.

The girls are super close to me and good communicators. They are used to me checking in with them. This will be no different.

Awesome considerations, thank you. So much to remember!

Quietly recording any verbal communications is a good idea - especially if he wants to keep his "good guy" image intact. And if things get really ugly it may come in useful later

@Damnedidont I’m annoyed I didn’t record my call last week. Will definitely do this going forward.

My ex was the same in that he was charm personified to the outside world. If they all knew he emotionally abused my teenage son (his step son) to get at me they’d be horrified. That’s why he’s an ex. He had a bad temper and when I left being able to know that no-one was going to walk in and start ranting and change the dynamic was a massive relief

@Zanatdy I can understand this. The house feels calmer and lighter without a doubt.

I lost count of the number of times he’d clash (screaming, swearing, not backing down, shouting insults over a shoulder or up the stairs to continue the argument) with my eldest daughter. My fear that he’d get 50:50 and I’d have to leave them alone together was very real. Being the referee was exhausting but he wouldn’t change, another example of when he couldn’t be an adult.

Courts will hear kids younger than you think. Mine were 8&9 when they said no more.