Husband has left but is very angry and I don’t understand

[Gardenerboo]

Hi there,
things have been rocky for a while in my marriage. Husband decided to leave which is actually totally fine.

I’ve been calm, rational, factual, respectful. However, he is off-the-chart angry, honestly verging on rage and I’m baffled. He called it quits but either of us could have done, I guess I’ve just wanted to try to make everything ok. Something you can’t.

There has been no drama, he’s moved to his Mum’s. He won’t communicate in any way (talk, text, email) and I’m not pressuring him to. But we have 2 children and will need to communicate at some point.

I’m giving him space and doing everything with the children but the rage is hard to understand.

any insights gratefully received!

thank you

get your finances sorted and get organised for the separation of assets.

@LadyBird1973 thats all such great advice. I will try to get a solicitor today.

I’m not pushing for the children to have contact, in all honesty I’d dread it BUT I know that he has a right to have time with them.

I am keeping all messages (when he does reply) and mine are beyond polite as I’m conscious they could be read by others.

thank you for your reply Lx

This.

You might not want to get the locks changed op but you can get additional locks added so that when you're at home you can lock yourselves in. I'm not saying you need this but it's something I did for peace of mind.

Stop asking him about access to the kids.

Agree with PPs, your ex has been abusive. It's the whole boiled frog thing, doesn't happen overnight so you don't see it.

The two personas thing makes me think covert narcissist.

You're doing really well. Take care of yourself.

Do you have his pension info? And I'd move half of any savings to your account.

@Morewineplease10 thank you, that’s kind. It’s my youngest daughter’s leaving assembly at primary school this morning and he’s not coming. That makes me sad for her but I know it’s his choice and also speaks volumes.

I don’t feel like I’m doing well at all.

Oh op, THIS. And sadly, not surprising.

I must warn you that this will probably get worse before it gets better. I think the best thing you can do now is accept that he simply can't behave rationally so you need to protect your daughters. If you had previously agreed to tell them this weekend, go ahead and do that whether he is there or not. Do not allow him to drag it out and definitely ensure they are told before he sees them alone - because he will try to destroy you in their eyes. He won't even do it on purpose, but his view of himself as the victim will be all he can see, which means he can't even do the bare minimum to protect them.

Don't demonise him, but please don't lie either. Depending on how old they are, they will already know, or soon will, how unreliable he is. If you promise them that he loves them and will see them loads etc ans he doesn't, you will be on the hook for that.

It sounds like you are doing a great job of not letting his emotional bullying impact you. Keep strong. Your life will be better and calmer when he's not in it.

Time to find a little anger of your own lovely, and hit this twat between the eyes with it!
Get everything legal nailed down while he's still wailing and shouting the odds!

@GingerIsBest I wondered about telling the girls without him but that sounds awful if he’s bad mouthing me doesn’t it? ‘Oh, she told the girls and I didn’t know’

Then maybe it's time to 'accidentally' record his irrational ranting/fury directed at you.

And quietly keep them for future legal battles.

If you get wind of his bad-mouthing you in this way, would it be possible for you to make it clear that there was "a misunderstanding" and he didn't manage to participate in telling the children with you, despite your having invited him to join you in doing it over the week-end? Or is that just not feasible? Also, all else aside, even though he seems to be more concerned about how others see him than about your marriage breaking up and the effect on your children, does what the neighbours might say (or family and friends, presumably) worry you as much as it does him?

Why are his feelings still paramount in your mind? Everything you are describing is about managing his reputation (with his daughters / his family / his colleagues) nothing about how you are feeling/ coping from a man who has just walked out on his family! Time to put you and your girls first. It’s a hard habit to break but you must not care ‘what others think of you’. They are not paying your bills!

You can't control what he says to other people and whether they believe him. The only important thing is that you surround yourself with people that believe and support you, and that those who don't you distance yourself from. I know it's hard but you'll drive yourself crazy trying to get everyone to see what you can see and it actually isn't important. The people who matter will believe you.

@Gardenerboo this thread really resonates with me and I'm glad you are seeing him for what he is. I kicked my ex-h out earlier this year. He did something unforgiveable and I snapped. However, on reflection I've been examining our relationship and he was an emotionally abusive bully I should have left years ago. I was so ground down by his behaviour, I was permanently anxious and walking on eggshells.

I read on here that so many men are like this and it breaks my heart.

This is part of the abuse he has subjected you to and will continue to subject you to.

1. You know that whatever he says the truth is that you agreed to do this weekend. He has moved out ans taken his things making it urgent. You asked him to please take part in this conversation. These are facts.

1. He probably WILL badmouth you. If it comes to your attention - eg his mother texts you about how mean you are - you calmly explain and then move on. No debates, no arguments.

1. Depending on how successful his narcissistic rants about you are to different people, they may see you as the bad guy. But there is nothing you can do about that except prioritise the people who DO see through him and support you.

Finally, over time, you will be surprised how many people.DO get it. Possibly not his family etc, but there will hbe people who, for example, hear his rants about how you are keeping him.from the dc, but who will be wondering why he didn't turn up at the school play or why he is out every Saturday night.

A friend's husband cheated on her and was still raging at her. She didn't even want a divorce after he cheated, he was the one unprepared to try again, but it's still all her fault their marriage failed. I think the very messed up thinking is that if she'd been the wife he wanted her to be then he wouldn't have cheated on her. It was her fault he cheated, so her fault their marriage failed. People like this are never going to take personal responsibility and they always feel someone must be to blame. In his mind he can't possibly be to blame, so you must be. My stbxh is very similar. It's the same way abusive men blame their partner for the abuse, she made him do it. Friends Ex and my stbxh are both abusive, emotionally and gaslighting in my case.

@GingerIsBest I'm also in this exact situation right now. He has left after cheating and financial / verbal abuse. And yet, he is angry at me?!
What you're doing is the right thing. And take all of this as a proof of his real character. There's no reason anyone should live like this ❤

I left my husband and was full of anger, we went to counseling together and I basically used it as an opportunity to tell him how disappointed I was in how he had ignored my pleas to work on our marriage for years, he had chipped away at my love for him for so long with his lack of effort and refusal to step up and meet me in fixing what was wrong.

I felt he had failed us, and that it was now too late to repair.

@Gardenerboo my previous comment was meant for you OP..
Also, I wanted to add.. since leaving and not having access to me, my stbx has started to rant at his friends. I guess i used to be his emotional sick-bucket who would get all his abuse and everyone else would get the charming, wonderful guy. Now im not there anymore, its almost like he's spilling over. One of his friends contacted me recently about the way he treated said friend. He felt gaslighted and attacked by ex and eventually cut off contact.. It will take time, but people will believe you and see for themselves.

It could help to accept that:

• He WILL badmouth you, and most of what he tells people will be so distorted or even downright false
• You know the truth, and eventually the truth WILL come out
• If anger is, as it seems, the only way he can express his feelings, you can almost feel sorry for him - he's the emotionally stunted one blundering about being unable to behave like an adult, talk rationally or even navigate the situation to find a workable solution. He simply doesn't have the tools to even negotiate.
• You're not the first person this has happened to and you won't be the last. It's not something you have done. It just be's that way sometime.

Oops, last sentence makes no sense - I mean that it's NOT your fault, no matter what he says. He's just another angry man, and you're well shot.

Maybe he's angry because people have told him he's a shit for walking out in his family? That he looks the bad guy in all of this ? Maybe he thinks you come out of this looking better than him ?

You know how there's a phenomenon called The Script? Well, men have one of their own for women.

The Script for Women is supposed to be

Shrill, shrieking
'I hate sex. I've never liked it. I only did it so I could get your money and now I've got my child and house, I don't have to do it anymore'.
'Why would I want to do housework when I've already got ownership of the house, your balls and your pension?'
'You're not allowed to see your mother, your friends, talk to other women or have any thought that doesn't centre around my rights of ownership over you. I am going to go and get all the attention from Other Men now because they haven't allowed a woman to castrate them. Now go and get on with your chores and if you're lucky, I'll give you some pocket money to get a sandwich at work'
'
Then when the poor, unfortunate Hero of our story escapes from this wicked stepmother figure, the next part of the Script is supposed to be

'Noooooooooooo, I can't live without you! I'm soooooooooooooooooo sorry, I'll change, I see the light now, I needed to be in service to you as the Mighty Man you are! I can't eat, I can't sleep, I'm busy losing weight and cleaning all the time because I can't survive without you'

Of course, if our Hero has sorted out his next address and provider of wifely services, that is seen as a pathetic attempt to regain the obvious social and financial advantage of being the beneficiary of his Manly Existence.

If, however, the wicked stepmother is callous enough to say 'Oh, OK then, it's probably for the best.' and worst of all, those nubile 22 year olds that he just knows are out there looking for him aren't throwing themselves on his cock and the one in particular he thought he had lined up has gone 'Where will you be living? You'll need somewhere big enough for the kids, won't you? I'm going out tonight, so I'll call you tomorrow' or 'I don't think we're at the stage of moving in together yet, let's just see how it goes' - well, then, both women have failed to keep to their respective Scripts and he's mad.

Please tell people around you what is happening. So many women keep quiet when their marriage breaks up... embarrassment, shame, protecting the kids.. whatever.. But you need to speak to people, calmly, quietly.. let them know what your life has been like, what his behaviour has been in the past and certainly now.
You have nothing to hide, you stand firm for your girls.
Stay strong and dignified in the face of him being an arse.. this will pass and you will get through it.
And years down the line your daughters will know the truth and see their mother as the strong role model she is.
And their father for the disappointment he has become.

Take care of yourself.. accept support when it is offered.
You can do this.

You're second paragraph could be about my stbxh. I don't know OP, but for me him leaving it all to me would be little change on the current work load and a lot more peaceful. DD can't wait till he moves out, says it all really.

@Bonbon21 thank you so much. I will try.