Husband has left but is very angry and I don’t understand

[Gardenerboo]

Hi there,
things have been rocky for a while in my marriage. Husband decided to leave which is actually totally fine.

I’ve been calm, rational, factual, respectful. However, he is off-the-chart angry, honestly verging on rage and I’m baffled. He called it quits but either of us could have done, I guess I’ve just wanted to try to make everything ok. Something you can’t.

There has been no drama, he’s moved to his Mum’s. He won’t communicate in any way (talk, text, email) and I’m not pressuring him to. But we have 2 children and will need to communicate at some point.

I’m giving him space and doing everything with the children but the rage is hard to understand.

any insights gratefully received!

thank you

My fear that he’d get 50:50 and I’d have to leave them alone together was very real.

Never ever, let him think this is a thing.

In fact, if you can even subtly let him think you might relish having those days away from your DDs to pursue hobbies or interests or even dates (the latter, I wouldn't even mention with anyone as abusive but he'll be assuming you are out shagging everything with a pulse and probably telling everyone too.) So the longer he thinks he's restricting you by not helping you parent, the better for you and the DDs.

Always keep the back up care. My sister's ex fought for 50/50 and got it and yet, every time she had something important on his days, he always found a way to wreck it for her, or if he couldn't manage that, he would bring the kids around to get their sports gear using their key and have a good snoop while she was away.

Forget the man you thought you knew. You have to assume that they will stoop to anything, use anyone to fight dirty. That way, you are firstly prepared for all and any shit, but you may be pleasantly surprised if they are accidentally amenable. Keep your dignity and your calmness and keep your cards close to your chest, it will serve you well

@Turfwars this sounds like good advice. I can’t quite believe that I need to follow this type of advice but I do and it’s good to see this in black and white.

How are things now @Gardenerboo ? I hope you and your DC are doing well and are happy.

@Honeypickle thank you so much for asking! We are settling well into our new routine and our new home. The girls are happier and calmer than they have been in years.

He is still very angry, blaming me for everything and taking zero responsibility for anything. The girls refuse to see him (I’m gently suggesting ways in which they might like to meet with him but they refuse). I genuinely don’t recognise him any more.

I am glad you and the girls are moving on but sad to hear he continues to be such a twat.

I think its quite telling that they don't want to engage with him so early on.

Well done on continuing to be strong!

How are you doing?

It sounds like your the one who's checked out, maybe he wanted you to fight for the marriage.

This was his ultimatum, you didn't bite.

I think he knows now you don't love him.

🙄

I came across this post whilst searching for answers in my own situation. Your post reads like my own experience and I would love to know how you are now x

I have been with my husband now for 5 years. He has always been the calm collective one, usually helping me with me with my own anger problems (I can be quite short tempered)
I have no parents/family or friends to speak to so I have had to deal with my emotions alone. Sadly doctors brushed me off numerous times so I gave up.
He has a DS 14, DD 11 I have a son 8 and we have a daughter together 4 years old.
Since she was born He has always been very soft with her to the point he gives in to EVERYTHING with her which I did warn him it will bite him.
Now she is very demanding, and independent and will throw tantrums over anything, the last few months my husband has become more an more aggressive with her the way he speaks to her which really upsets me. He has even shouted at her alot quite recently which has sent me to tears in the bathroom partially wondering if he regrets having her. (Always telling people how awful she is, I just feel useless) we argued and argued at the fact I was to controlling when I disciplined an needed to relax to now being to worried to get involved we he gets annoyed.
With 4 children, we get no break, no help, no holidays, no days out..kids are bored an barely want to be here, my son has moved to his dad's full time.
I'm at a loss an to top it off I'm 27 weeks pregnant with our little boy, part of me if wondering if it was a bad idea. All the baby can feel is me crying most of the time.

(There's so so so much more to this but would be to long)
(Both my parents are deceased, my step children's mum died on our wedding day, sadly I keep reaching out to my family on both sides but no one is interested, his family are super laid back an think I'm bi polar)

Are we falling apart?
We can't talk without me being told I'm wrong, so I've reclused an stayed quiet now.

He never used to be like this.

@StrongHmum23 You need to start your own thread - no one will see and respond to your post at the end of a long thread started by someone else. Scroll to the top of the page and you will find a button saying 'start new thread'.

Oh my gosh I just realised I've left this as a comment! How embarrassing.. I'm so sorry!
Thankyou for the heads up exexpat