Husband has left but is very angry and I don’t understand

[Gardenerboo]

Hi there,
things have been rocky for a while in my marriage. Husband decided to leave which is actually totally fine.

I’ve been calm, rational, factual, respectful. However, he is off-the-chart angry, honestly verging on rage and I’m baffled. He called it quits but either of us could have done, I guess I’ve just wanted to try to make everything ok. Something you can’t.

There has been no drama, he’s moved to his Mum’s. He won’t communicate in any way (talk, text, email) and I’m not pressuring him to. But we have 2 children and will need to communicate at some point.

I’m giving him space and doing everything with the children but the rage is hard to understand.

any insights gratefully received!

thank you

I’d rather be happy and with my daughters than raging at him.

Hold onto this thought.

People often ask me if it bothers me Ex didn't see ds since he was a toddler. (Now an adult).

I always said (and believe) "being angry at him won't change him. It'll eat away at me"

My ex did that.

I spent two years living with him, making it clear I wasn't happy and why, but he refused to try to find a compromise on the issue. So DS and I left.

And he was furious. Enraged, as if 'how dare I leave'. I didn't understand it either. I'd made my unhappiness clear, I'd been reduced to a prescription for ADs. I'd stuck it out as long as I could. He couldn't understand that what he'd decided was OK, wasn't going to happen. In the end I concluded he was so self centred and entitled, he thought he could just ignore my unhappiness and I'd have to suck it up because that's what he'd decided.

Twelve years later he is still angry. If ds tells him we are going on holiday or have bought a new barbecue or I have a new job, I get snide comments via email.

Weird !!

@itsgettingweird “I always said (and believe) "being angry at him won't change him. It'll eat away at me"

That is so true. Don’t get me wrong, I do get angry - he missed the leavers’ assembly and award ceremony of my daughter who is leaving primary school yesterday (he never took time off work for the girls and easily could have.). That hurt, I was angry for my daughter, she’s not bothered so I hold that thought. It’s not always easy.

@MintJulia 12 years!?! What have been your coping strategies, that’s a long time to deal with bullshit…

I don't respond. Don't engage at all. Ever. Nor do I think about it, just hit the delete key.

If he wants to rage and bluster, that's his problem. If he says anything to me when he collects ds, I go for breezy good humour and change the subject.

If ds mentions his dad's ill humour, I just shrug and say my life is my business, my buying a barbecue isn't hurting anyone else and then ask ds what he would like for tea.

Hopefully ds has learnt that stamping and shouting and threatening doesn't achieve anything.

@MintJulia thats brilliant modelling of behaviour for your DS. I hope I can do the same.

Also feel like buying a bbq 🤣.

I will admit to one tiny indirect act of 'up yours'.

Ex was very controlling about the house. It was all white walls, dingy brown curtains, brown polyurethane carpet. Bleugh !!

My house is glorious. Yellow hall, white breezy muslin, turquoise & grey kitchen. Lots of light.

It makes ex wince at every pick-up. 😄

@MintJulia 🤣 your house sounds beautiful! I suppose that’s another positive, none of the ex’s crap around the place.

This doesn't surprise me. He'll be telling people you're keeping him from the children but you know the truth.

Agree with other posters - try to take the drama out. Don't respond to his anger or rants. Which will have the added benefit of rising him up more! [Grin]

@Gardenerboo...I can't add anything to the excellent advice you've already been given on here I just wanted to say what a really lovely, positive person you come across as and from what you've told us about your ex he most definitely didn't deserve you. I just know with your lovely outlook your life can only change for the better, god bless you and your girls ❤️

@Florabundance thank you so much. Your words mean more than you know.
Many times on this site I’ve seen people describe the support received as a lifeline. I’m definitely feeling that now.

@Gardenerboo...I've been in an abusive relationship myself so I can relate, I only wish I'd handled the aftermath as well as you seem to be doing.

@NeverDropYourMooncup

OMG! I stupidly never thought there'd be a Script for men from their own viewpoint - your post made fascinating reading and, suddenly, makes a lot of sense. this knowledge is a useful piece of armour for women.. 🌹

@Newestname002 it’s an eye opener isn’t it!

@MintJulia your house sounds great, I LOVE that you've done that and so sorry to hear you had to live in a house with "dingy brown curtains, brown polyurethane carpet" 🤢. (Btw - didn't that make you question him as a person? Brown curtains and carpets? 😂😂). And also you sound amazing at dealing with your ex - the whole delete/move on/breezy thing 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻.

@OP I'm so sorry this is happening to you. What an absolute nightmare. You've been given excellent advice here. Please don't beat yourself up about not leaving sooner - how could you when you didn't even realise it was abuse you were experiencing? So glad the wise people of MN are helping you see him for what he really is. And I agree with a PP, don't be scared of naming things with your DDs. They know things haven't been right because they've lived it; you're just naming it for them. They sound amazing, and that's undoubtedly testimony to your excellent parenting. They also sound resilient; you describe older DD having screaming matches with 'D'H; it sounds to me like this means she could hold her own. They will benefit so much from a calm peaceful house and a mum isn't walking on eggshells. You should be so proud of yourself OP.

I had an ex who dumped me on holiday (we were in a long distance relationship but were on a holiday abroad). It was AWFUL. He was horrific to me. The worst was that he kept chopping and changing. He would be cold and distant, drop my hand if I took his hand, give me one word answers... when I asked what's going on he'd say 'nothing, just relax'. I become a shell of myself and totally clingy and needy. He gaslit me non stop. Withheld sex. It was all about control. When I had moments of clarity and was like wtf is he doing and did my own thing (went for a walk, to the pool by myself etc) he'd suddenly follow me/be all charming and nice.. I thought hm we must be okay again, I started to relax only for him to become horrible and cold again. We met his friends who were holidaying nearby, he was so sweet and I thought he must just have had a few bad days as he was all sweet and normal again; as soon as we entered the hotel room he was horrible again. When he ended it (in the middle of the night) and the penny finally dropped for me, I started being calm and grey rock him. He got up the next day and said 'so, shall we go to the beach today?'. I was like 'excuse me, you broke up with me last night, why on earth would I go to the beach with you'. Off he went, all huffy. I moved hotel rooms while he was at the beach (like a bloody soap opera 😂), he became so angry, annoyed and passive aggressive when he returned. In hindsight it was comical but at the time it really destroyed me. Sorry for the massive novel - I just recognise the anger thing and agree 100% with pp that it's to do with control and being upset you're not being all clingy and needy. Well done you OP, you're amazing managing all of this after years of marriage and with DC. You're so strong 💪🏻💪🏻. And you're being amazing for seeing through him!!

@DancinOnTheCeiling thank you so much. It sounds like you’re more than qualified to give advice sadly. How awful! What’s also awful is that so many women go through this.

You’re spot on re eldest DD, she is a badass with incredible boundaries and integrity. I’m proud of her everyday. She blows me away. Whenever she challenged the ex, it would be my fault, I’d coached her some how. I’ve literally never ever been able to get her to do anything she didn’t want to do (naughty step? No chance! - The same ever since!).

I just never felt anything was quite bad enough, it’s becoming clearer now and that’s thanks to this thread and the advice shared here. I’m so very grateful.

Ex had affairs and did really awful things. When I got a non-mol out against him he asked the person serving it where the divorce petition was. So I served him with a divorce petition (using same server).

ex went ballistic, he sent thugs around to my uncles house in the middle of the night to intimidate them and try and force me to withdraw the divorce petition (uncle doesn’t live in the UK).
He’d also spend days parked outside my house or walk around my neighbourhood. Call me incessantly and drill my DC as to who was coming to the house what appliances I had bought whether I had a tv (he’d forbidden me from having a tv in the house whilst we were married, but bought himself one and a giant satellite dish that look like it could land planes for his house). It went on.

when I moved house he contacted CMS telling them I wanted to tell him my new address but they had to tell him. They promptly sent me a letter asking me to authorise this (which I refused).

it’s just control, and fury that I moved on and am happy living my life progressing and my dc are thriving. It’s contrary to the hate filled bile he’s spewed to everyone. And the fact I’m happy and succeeding in life is showing him up for the liar he is.

must admit I do find it odd, he’s married to OW & should be happy. He went out of his way to tell me in court they were married and expecting a child.

you’d think he’d not have any inclination to give me a second thought. But nope he’s still ridiculously obsessed.

@frazzledasarock so strange to be obsessed after such a period of time. Baffling! He sounds horrendous.Very glad to hear you’re winning at life! Well done. Lx

OMG @frazzledasarock - that sounds extremely scary. What a dangerous sounding man. Glad you and your children got away safely from him. 🌹

She is a badass with incredible boundaries and integrity. I’m proud of her everyday.

So great to hear this about your DD @OP. She sounds fab!

I’ve discovered that he’s left his anti depressants and anti anxiety medication behind. This will be deliberate because he’d told me repeatedly that his depression was my fault. Maybe it is, who knows, but going cold turkey isn’t the best plan.

Youngest DD is beginning to open up about times when ExH shouted at her (I was unaware), most recently on a bike ride when she didn’t cross the road fast enough (she said she didn’t feel safe and wanted to wait for a bigger gap in the traffic) and when she didn’t want to cycle up a big hill on an A road out of our local town. I had no idea and feel terrible.

I wasn’t fishing for this information, she quietly volunteered it. I congratulated her on her road safety and apologised that it wasn’t a good experience.

I should have left years ago. Why couldn’t I see how awful his behaviour was?

Don't beat yourself up OP. If you'd left years ago the children would have more terrible stories of his 'patenting'.

Thank you @Aishah231 that’s a very good point.

OP, I have just spent time reading the thread and I agree with what all the PPs have said about the fact it was an abusive relationship. You should read Lundy Bancroft- you probably never thought you needed to before but it will arm you well.

Also it sounds like he is going through narcissistic breakdown aka narcissistic collapse.

Have a read on here www.choosingtherapy.com/narcissistic-collapse/#:~:text=A%20narcissist%20may%20have%20a,of%20showcasing%20intense%20mental%20suffering.

@obladeeobladah you've answered my next question. Thank you.

I was beginning to think that I might need some help to process this but didn’t know where to start. I will follow that link and order Lindy Bancroft’s book.